by John Walters

Let’s fiddle a Medium Happy Birthday tune to Nero (born on this date in 37 A.D.), whose 14-year reign was a bust.

Starting Five

Thanks a lot, Serena, for usurping my Christmas card idea…

Game of Thrones

As Medium Happy espoused for months, Serena Williams, who won three Grand Slams and and went 53-3 in singles matches in 2015, wins SI”s Sportsperson of the Year (in related news, a seed growing on a protozoan was named Sporesperson of the Year). Serena’s victory spawned something called Horse Twitter, which spawned an awkward debate about whether Serena was objectifying herself (if you guessed, “written by a MAWG: Middle-Aged White Guy,” you win), which led to an ugly debate about who-you-think-you-is-telling-Serena-she-is-objectifying-herself, which led to SI throwing its hands up in the air and saying, “Fine. Next year we’ll just give the award to LeBron so you’ll all shut up.”

(There was less spawning in the Sporesperson balloting).

“Cancel my subscription! Oh, and bring back Norman Chad!”

I’m waiting to hear what Mister Ed Sheeran has to say about American Pharoah being snubbed, but seeing as how he’s sworn off social media, I may be waiting awhile. Meanwhile, what’s the overlap, you think, between Horse Twitter aficionados and Trump voters? Will Donald name American Pharoah as his running mate, or does he sound too Muslim? Chin up, AP: Secretariat did not win SOTY, either (Jackie Stewart did; I know, right?.

Better or worse than King Joffrey?

Serena becomes the first African-American woman to win SI’s coveted amphora solely in one year (Judi Brown King was one of seven winners in 1987) and the first to pose for the cover of SI seated on a throne since Roger Goodell.

2. Winter Is Coming Is Winter Coming?

Granted, it is still technically autumn for one more week, but it already reached 68 degrees here in the Big Apple today. Baby, it’s warm outside. November was one of the warmest months on record across the Eastern U.S., and December appears to be headed in the same direction. I’m renaming Sansa Starks’ hometown as “IndianSummerFell.”

3. Tragedy in Argentina

Everyone aboard perished

In Argentina, a bus carrying 43 policia plunges off a bridge and into a ravine, landing on its roof and killing everyone aboard. The bus was the second of three in a convoy, and at the moment it is not known what sent it off course. The accident occurred in clear weather and dry conditions.

4. Monday Night TV: Odell & Adele

Was this even Odell Beckham’s best catch of the season? I’d still go with the one he made at Washington last month? I do know this: he’s currently the greatest Beckham in sport. Odell had two TD receptions and 166 yards receiving in the Giants’ win last night.

Odell & the G-Men beat the Dolphins last night, and will probably back into the playoffs and beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again and then we’ll all have to scratch our heads again about whether Eli Manning is the worst elite quarterback of all time.

Adele’s last name is Adkins. Her middle name is not “Danger.”

Meanwhile, Adele’s late November concert at Radio City Music Hall aired on NBC, an ideal anglophilic lead-in to Men In Blazers on NBC Sports Net. Adele comes off as the perfect date to bring to a wedding: she’ll have a second glass of champagne thank you, and more than one bite of cake, and she’ll be sweating it out on the dance floor…when she’s no singing.

5. Howard, You Must Be Sirius

Howard’s wife, and my UWS neighbor, Beth Ostrovsky. And you wonder why he isn’t so cranky any more.

The King of All Media re-ups with satellite radio for 12 years.

Incidentally, this was the stock price of Sirius (SIRI) in late January of 2009, when the market was at its bottom: 10 cents. The stock price of SIRI at the open today is $4.18. That’s better than a 4,000% mark-up in six years. And that concludes today’s episode of “Great Stock Opportunities That JW Pondered But Did Not Pull The Trigger On” (too many episodes to recall).

Music 101

Tubthumping

In late 1997, you either thought this single from one-hit wonder Chumbawumba was either the most annoying or most infectious single you’ve ever heard. Likely, both. The tune hit No. 1 in every country where people hear the word “punter” and don’t think of Ray Guy first: Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, Canada, Italy.And No. 6 here. Nike offered the band $1 million to use this song for the 1998 World Cup and “it took the band 30 seconds to say, ‘No.'”

Remote Patrol

Galaxy Quest

BBC America 8 p.m.

“Never give up! Never surrender!” A smart, goofy film that is equal parts satire and sci-fi suspense thriller. Tim Allen has never been better, and Alan Rickman seems genuinely tickled to not be playing a heavy. If ever there were a movie whose plot you can picture being involved in an “elevator pitch,” this is it. Often this movie borders on brilliant, and even crosses over into that space, the final frontier.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy Birthday to the world’s first peerless prognosticator, Nostradamus (now age 512)

Starting Five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKXGA-AU50w

1. Will I Am

Ron Burgundy himself returned to Studio 8-H to kick of Saturday Night Live this weekend. If you have yet to see it, what are you reading me for? Click away.

2. Beasts of the Southern –and Northern Wild

Henry leads the nation in rushing yards per game, and the NCAA is all messed up since they count postseason stats, which means some teams will play as many as 15 games, others as few as 12.

In New York City, punishing running back Derrick Henry of Alabama wins the Heisman Trophy at the end of a television show that was only 90 minutes long (I blacked out for a bit and dreamt that Eddie George was going to star in a Broadway musical).

The toughest priest running back since Priest Holmes.

Meanwhile in St. Paul, our man Jordan Roberts, the beast who’s studying to be a priest, ran all over Linfield’s defense to the tune of 256 yards and 3 TDs as St. Thomas rolled, 38-17, and advanced to the Division III national championship game to face Mt. Union.

Also this weekend, SB Nation handed out the inaugural Piesman Trophy. Congratulations, Ashton Henderson. What’s left after that?

3. Symmetry

Drayman Green has been the Warriors’ glue guy….

We take this brief pause, almost 1/3 of the way through the NBA regular season, to note that the Golden State Warriors are now 24-1 and the Philadelphia 76ers, who are basically importing the Phoenix Suns front office (first, Jerry Colangelo and soon perhaps, Mike D’Antoni) , are 1-24.

How cool is that?

No other NBA team has ever begun a season 24-1 (GSW, as you know, finally lost on Saturday night in Milwaukee, on the back end of a back-to-back on the road). Three teams, however, have started out 24-2, the most recent of them being the 2008-09 Boston Celtics.

Only one NBA team has ever started a season as poorly as these Sixers have done: the 1970-71 Cleveland Cavaliers began that season 1-27. They finished with a record of 15-67 and would draft Austin Carr of Notre Dame the following summer.

Undrafted rookie T.J. McConnell, whose aunt is Suzie McConnell_Seri (legendary hoopster at Penn State), has been a rare unexpected bright spot in a Philly autumn full of blight spots…

By the way, that Cleveland team was coached by Bill Fitch, who would later lead the Bird-era Celtics to their first NBA title of the ’80s. Also of note, that Cavs team had a rookie forward by the name of Larry Mikan. Yes, he was George’s son, and that would be his only season in the NBA.

4. Rule No. 1 (Again)*

Nkemdiche is a force of nature, but not as omnipotet of one as gravity is.

*Loyal readers of Medium Happy — both of you– know that Rule No. 1 is “Gravity always wins.”

On Saturday night Robert Nkemdiche, arguably the most devastating defensive player in next spring’s NFL draft, fell one story off a hotel balcony in Atlanta. That’s one way to celebrate the conclusion of finals week at the University of Mississippi. Nkemdiche, a 6’5″, 293-pound human Zamboni, is an Atlanta native.

Nkemdiche should be okay, although the incidents leading up to his fall are redolent of Josh Shaw’s famed “jump into the pool to save my nephew from drowning.” Nkemdiche apparently broke through a window at the Grand Hyatt Hotel, walked 5 yards, climbed over a wall, and then fell 15 feet. So either Nkemdiche as partying too hard — marijuana was found in the room — or competing in a Spartan Race.

Last May Nkemdiche tweeted the following: “As above so below, who actually made the term ‘gravity’ is that really the term?” To which yours truly, being the acerbic ass that I can be, replied, “Jump from 3rd story, see what happens. Stand on ground, try to jump up to 3rd story. See what happens. So, premise is false.”

I never really thought Robert would field-test my suggestion. Anyway, we can all just look forward to when Nkemdiche explains this incident to coach Harbaugh on one of those ESPN pre-draft specials in the spring, no?

5. Cherries on Top

Josh King helped propel sport’s greatest underdog franchise to another unlikely win, its second in an 8-day span.

On Saturday in the Premier League, AFC Bournemouth took down Manchester United, 2-1. Only seven days earlier the Cherries took down defending Premier League champs Chelsea, 1-0.

According to Forbes, Man U is the world’s 5th wealthiest pro sports franchise, and Chelsea the 31st. They’re two of the three most valuable in the BPL. In the past 11 years, Chelsea (4) and Manchester United (5) have combined to win nine of the 11 championships at the highest level of English football.

Bournemouth, meanwhile, was a lower division team just last year and in 2008 was forced into bankruptcy with debts of some $7 million. The Cherries, whose “stadium” holds 11,000 fans, are now in 14th place (out of 20 clubs), ahead of Chelsea. If they can finish about 18th place, not only will they avoid relegation but they will be party to the BPL’s massive new TV contract at year’s end. If you’re a fan of the little guy, this is the best sports story in quite some time.

Music 101

High Hopes

We failed to give Frank Sinatra‘s 100th birthday its proper due on Saturday, so we’ll begin to make amends today. This simple little song is the embodiment of its theme: it wound up becoming a hit single for Ol’ Blue Eyes, won the Academy Award in 1960 for Best Original Song, and then became the theme for a young, dashing presidential candidate named John F. Kennedy.

Remote Patrol

Adele Live from New York City

NBC 10 p.m.

Dude, you’re getting Adele. So NBC will air two hours of The Voice leading up to one hour of the world’s most popular canary warbling onstage at Radio City Music Hall. The actual show was staged about two weeks ago, right around Thanksgiving. This was her first concert in four years.

by John Walters

A Medium Happy Birthday, to Love Boat All-Star Donna Mills. She’s 75 (Really?!?)

Starting Five

Former Notre Dame teammates Michael Floyd and Kyle Rudolph (Vikes) combined for 11 catches and a TD last night. How did Charlie Weis go 6-6 with these two and an NFL QB?

1. It’s In The Cards

You may remember an NFC wild card game last January in which the Carolina Panthers hosted, and defeated, an Arizona Cardinals team whose quarterback was Ryan Lindley. The Panthers held the Cards to 78 yards on offense — for the entire game — in a 27-16 win.

This year the Panthers (12-0) and Cardinals (11-2, after last night’s 23-20 win against the Vikings) are the class of the NFC. If they meet again, it will be in the NFC Championship Game and we are still not certain where that will be.

By the way, as of now the Packers and Seahawks, last year’s NFC Championship Game combatants –remember that?– are slated to meet in a wild card game.

2. “It Was a Dark and Court-Stormy Night…”

Peterson has a broken bone or two to pick with Iowa State’s administration over how security was handled in Ames.

In what was a memorable game between Iowa and Iowa State at Hilton Coliseum in Ames, the Cyclones’ come-from-behind 83-82 win over the Hawkeyes is overshadowed by a post-game court-storming in which Des Moines Register columnist Randy Peterson suffered fractures to the tibia and fibula.

Peterson may have to red-shirt this NCAA hoops season….

The quotes from first-year Iowa State coach Steve Prohm (as well as from the athletic director) could have been a little more empathetic. As opposed to pathetic. I love that Peterson, who handled the massive injury with courage and aplomb (he actually tweeted out, “Ouch!”) was still wearing his press credential when they wheeled him into surgery.

3. Man Hoverboard!

Don’t Halt and Catch Fire: Overboard knockoffs are a ‘hot’ item.

A spokesperson for Hoverboard, Joalene Joveletter, appears on CNBC to explain that the hot Christmas item is not the one that’s been combusting spontaneously. Those are Hoverboard knock-offs. My recommendation for Hoverboard, whose items start at $599, is to put a label on the side of the box that reads, “From Ages 10 to Douche.”

Meanwhile, in London, where Hoverboards and their ilk are banned from being ridden on public pavement, a 15 year-old riding one crashed into a bus last night and died.

4. Moose on Safari

Our friend Moose, whose natural habitat is a couch in Toronto, is heading to Africa for a two-week safari, which led us to mull all the ways a visitor to the so-called Dark Continent can perish. I mean, not necessarily Moose, but you know, anyone….might perish in Africa. So here we are placing some odds on how a visitor to Africa (again, not necessarily Moose) might perish in Africa:

3:1…….Malaria

10:1….. Black Mamba bite

15:1…..Red Ants

22:1…..Wildebeest stampede

30:1…..Hippo

36:1….Big Cat

38:1….Laughing Hyena

40:1….Poaching (Also Sunnyside-Up’ing, Over-Easy’ing, Frittata’ing)

44:1….Taciturn Hyena

50:1….Trip and go over Victoria Falls

500:1….Trip and go over Victoria Principal

60:1…..Abducted by Boko Haram

600:1…Abducted by Procul Harum

800:1…. Conked on the top of the head by a Coke bottle falling from the sky when she (or anyone) wanders onto the set of the remake of The Gods Must Be Crazy.

2,000:1…Has tawdry affair with James McAvoy, Forrest Whitaker finds out, and it doesn’t go well (“I AM the king!”)

Your suggestions as to how someone, but not necessarily Moose, of course, might perish in Africa are welcome.

5. Duane Reade All About It

Victoria’s Secret angel Candace Swanepoel has absolutely nothing to do with the anecdote you are about to read…

If you live in New York City — and you probably don’t– you’ve noticed the proliferation of Duane Reade convenience markets –at the expense of the lovely, independently owned neighborhood bodega– over the past decade or so (I mean, will a Duane Reade make you a meatball sub at 1 a.m. while you are buying toilet paper? I think not).

Anyway, I don’t love Duane Reade, but they are convenient and nearly as ubiquitous as Starbuck’s. But they’re annoying. Yesterday I shopped there and was paying with cash when the clerk kindly directed me to press a button on the credit card do-hickey thing if I did NOT want to donate money to a charity.

“What?” 

“Please press that button if you do not want to donate to City Harvest.”

“I’m just buying Gatorade and pretzels (and the latest issue of Glamour, but don’t tell anyone).”

“Okay, sir,” she says, patiently. “Then just press that ‘Do Not Donate’ button.”

“I’m paying with cash.”

“I can’t complete the transaction unless you press that button.”

Okay, so yeah, I can be THAT guy. And I saw Falling Down and thought Michael Douglas’s character wasn’t actually all that wacko. So now I have to ask myself, am I going to be difficult just to be difficult or am I going to stand here and take a stand for mankind, and does this nice young lady care one way or the other?

“Well, I’m sorry,” I say, “I refuse to press that button. Not because I don’t believe in City Harvest (so just donate, then, J Dub!), but because I don’t believe in this subtle form of corporate manipulation.”

So we’re standing there. And then I realize that this nice young woman, who will never want to see me again, is not permitted to press the button. So the two of us have to wait until a manager comes over, gives me the stink eye, and presses the button.

And, yeah, I’m sorry for being difficult. But I’m doing it for all of us.

I think I’m going to return to Duane Reade today. With a hammer. And when I am directed to press the button….well….

Music 101

Elderly Women Behind the Counter in a Small Town

Some of the songs Pearl Jam wrote when its members were in their 20s showcased an insight and wisdom far beyond their years. This song, as wistful as they come, exemplifies that. There’s no more beautiful Pearl Jam song… Hearts and thoughts they fade/Faaaade away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEHd3fYsRyM

Remote Patrol

Lakers at Spurs

ESPN 9:30 p.m.

The Spurs beat the Sixers by 51 earlier this week as Pop rested Timmy and Kawhi. What will happen tonight against the LOLakers? I’m either going to watch this or a boa constrictor devour a lab mouse. Not sure which.

by John Walters

Tell Sloan I said, “What up?” Oh, and Happy Birthday (38)!

Starting Five

The Cleated Cleric

Nobody in college football this season — not Derrick Henry, not Dalvin Cook, not even Christian McCaffrey — has more rushing touchdowns than Jordan Roberts of Division III, St. Thomas, who has scored 29 in 12 games. Roberts, a junior who transferred in from South Dakota last winter, also has 1,701 rushing yards for the Tommies, who are hosting a Division III national semi-final versus Linfield (also 12-0) on Saturday.

Roberts also happens to be a seminarian at St. John Vianney Seminary, having converted to Catholicism two years ago. My story in Newsweek is here. Also, Roberts’s coach, Glenn Caruso (84-13 at St. Thomas) is an absolute trip. Wonderful guy. He has a personality that will succeed on any stage.

2. Grizzly Maulings

If there were an “Alcoa ‘Fantastic Finishes'” in the NBA, the Memphis Grizzlies would have the entire week dedicated to them. On Sunday the Grizz broke a 93-93 deadlock with the Phoenix Suns by scoring on an inbounds alley oops pass to Jeff Green with 0:8 seconds left for the dunk and win.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ-6zANxXLs

Last night Memphis trailed Detroit 92-90 with scant seconds remaining when Matt Barnes grabbed a rebound, eschewed the timeout call, dribbled to half court, and chucked in a three-pointer with 1.1 seconds left. Detroit still got a chance to shoot a desperation game-winner –after calling a timeout–but it missed.

So, Matt Barnes? Dope or genius. Well, it worked, so for one night he’s a genius.

Also, Barnes’s desperation heave took place in Auburn Hills, Mich., just six days after Aaron Rodgers’s Hail Mary. A tough life for Detroit sports fans gets even more miserable…

3. Post Route

You’ve already seen this, but apparently now the NFL has fined Pittsburgh’s Antonio Brown $11,576 for wearing a fanny pack during a football game. I think I have that correct, no?

4. Plumes of Noms

Spotlight, a tale of sexy white journalists (what else is new?)

Yesterday, the SAG Awards nominations.
This morning, the Golden Globe nominations.

p.s. These two Sunday night programs are about the only thing each year that get me through January.

5. No Words Necessary (soon to be abbreviated to “No Words”)

This is one of the better New Yorker cartoons I’ve seen in awhile.

Music 101

Hunger Strike

Not technically a Pearl Jam song, as it was written by Chris Cornell of Soundgarden. The team rebranded themselves as Temple of the Dog to record this tune as a tribute to the late Andrew Wood, the lead singer of Mother Love Bone, two of whose members had been future Pearl Jammers Jeff Ament and Stone Gossard. Wood, Cornell’s roomie, had  overdosed on heroin (the signature disease of grunge). Four Pearl Jam members are part of the band, though, and Eddie Vedder’s vocals are a perfect contrast to Chris Cornell’s. This could be the best Pearl Jam song, if not best grunge tune (and video), of the entire era.

p.s. The video and song slightly pre-date Ten, so it was big before Pearl Jam was.

Remote Patrol

Knicks at Kings

TNT 10:30 p.m.

Cousins: Still not in jail, Clay Travis.

I love that TNT is going to make Charles Barkley stay up until 1 a.m. to watch these two teams play. Then again, if you have yet to see Kristaps Porzingis, a.k.a., “Three Six Latvia,” enjoy. Have the Kings and DeMarcus Cousins ever been on TNT? Probably, I just don’t remember the last time.

Remote Patrol

by John Walters

Happy 62nd to one of the best actors to have never won an Oscar, John Malkovich.

Starting Five

Tomkins died of hypothermia in Chile….I mean, my 4th-grade level humor is aroused

1. Now If The Co-Founder of Patagonia Were To Die on the North Face of a Mountain, Then, Mind Blown*

Kids, back in the day — in fact, even earlier than that, in the dawn — Esquire magazine at this time of year put out its annual “Dubious Achievement Awards,” which was only the greatest thing in magazinery every year. And well, if the co-founder of North Face were to die in a kayaking accident in Patagonia, as 72 year-old Douglas Tomkins did yesterday, then that item would have made their list and of DA’s and the headline would have been something like the above.

Hey, sorry that the man died (“Thoughts and prayers…”). On the other hand, he lived a long and fruitful life and his death personified what his company promoted, and he’ll probably get a nice write-up in Outside magazine, so things could be worse.

*Props to Gene for making this connection first….

2. (Sprained) Feat of Klay

Yes, he sprained his ankle at the end of last night’s game. X-rays were negative.

Remember a few years ago when I tweeted that Klay Thompson would be the first player I’d select in the 2011 draft? No? (Related: I was also a big fan of Curry, Festus Ezeli and Draymond Green; Mr. McIntyre over at TBL told me I liked Green way too much). Well, I did.

Anyway, Klay may not be the best Golden State Warrior guard whose dad played in the NBA (and is now a team’s radio analyst), but last night he scored 39 points as Golden State moved to 23-0 with a 131-123 win at Indiana. The Warriors led by 28 after three quarters.

Since we turned the page on the calendar, Thompson is averaging 27 points per game in December (Steph is averaging 35.3 ppg on this trip, but he’s Steph). Klay may not be the other All-Star starter in the backcourt — Russell Westbrook deserves to be — but he will definitely be on the squad.

3. Flori-Duh: Alligator Invokes Stand Your Marsh Law

A couple of days late, but Florida man is a burglar, hides in swamp to evade cops, is ALLEGEDLY killed by an 11-foot alligator. So we had 1) white-trash Floridian 2) felony crime 3) alligator or reptile. All we were missing for the full quintet was 4) a stripper and or illicit sex and 5) psychotropic drugs.

I hope the gator has a good attorney….

4. The Audacity of Hoop

When I was at Sports Illustrated, there was one gentleman who simply knew and wrote college basketball better than anyone: Alexander Wolff. The Princeton alum had many unique talents, arguably the most formidable of which is that he was a humble and, in fact, not even condescending, alumnus of Princeton.

Alex would have been everyone’s favorite English prof had he chosen that route; instead he spent years writing the game stories of NCAA hoops finals, which was the most arduous task –due to the tight Monday night deadline– at SI.

A lot of the web-era college hoops fanatics may be unfamiliar with Alex, and that’s too bad. He’s a genuinely hoops-addled journalist (so much so that he even invested in a minor-league basketball team, the Frost Heaves, in his adopted home of Vermont) who has an artist’s touch on the keyboard. Anyway, Alex has a book out all about basketball and our 44th president, The Audacity of Hoop, and I plan on reading it (as soon as I finish the Twilight series).

5. Oh, That’s Good

Today’s New York Daily News cover.

Music 101

Better Man

Pearl Jam has never been much into releasing songs as singles, which explains why their only Top 10 hit is “Last Kiss,” which is a cover of a Sixties tune. This may be their most played song on the radio, though, and it’s arguably the only commercially viable tune from Vitalogy (and, like “Release,” it was buried down on the 11th track). Here Eddie is performing the classic on Late Show during Letterman’s final week last May.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utmldzmr2JI

Remote Patrol

Sinatra Sings

TCM 8 p.m. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4fWMgoWrbE

The Chairman of the Board, or as I like to call him, The Doobie Doobie Doo Brother, performs “Strangers in the Night,” “Come Fly With Me,” and “My Way,” among others. Not live. Followed at 9:15 p.m. by From Here to Eternity. Get your Frank on!