by John Walters

Starting Five

Joaquin Guzman, a.k.a., “El Chapo”

1. Vamos!

You have to hand it to El Chapo. He didn’t escape by fooling a female prison worker into falling in love with him. He did it the old-fashioned way. He tunneled out.

The leader of the Sinaloa cartel in Mexico, El Chapo (“Shorty”) on Saturday night entered his shower cell, dropped through a 20 x 20 inch hole, climbed down a ladder and then fled through an elaborate mile-long tunnel. I’m still working to find out if a poster of Salma Hayek was involved in the scheme.

In related news, Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant aired on Reelz on Sunday night and about 38,000 people watched. Olivia Jordan, or Miss Oklahoma, won.

2. Beat The Clock

No helmet? Great photo, though, as the ball is in the picture.

I didn’t watch the Home Run Derby because I never do, but apparently there was a shot clock, timeouts and a bracket system and Todd Frazier of the Reds, who are hosting the big-shebang, hit a buzzer-beater to win. All who tweeted said it was a major improvement on the previous format.

Call me when Chris Berman retires.

3. All The World’s Her Stage

Taylor Swift is hosting her own variety show with special guests every night of the 1989 tour

On Friday night’s show at MetLife Stadium, local girl of sorts (born and raised in eastern Pa., currently residing in Manhattan when she feels like it) Taylor Swift had some special guests: the US Women’s National Team. Fresh off a ticker-tape parade. Not a bad day, ladies, not a bad day.

The following night, Nick Jonas showed up. Last nigh in D.C., it was Lorde. TS plays D.C. again this evening. POTUS and the family, anyone?

4. House of Cards, House of Pain, or House of Pleasure?

You can pay $7.99 per month to watch every episode of Mad Men, when you want, and that’s just for starters, or you can pay $120 per month or more for cable. Or you can do both if you’ve owned NFLX stock for awhile.

It’s a big day for Netflix as well as for the company’s stockholders. The company reports 2nd-quarter earnings today and this is also the day that shareholders see their stock split in seven ways. That is, if you own 100 shares of NFLX stock, you will now own 700 going forward (calm down: the stock price will be divided by 7 as well).

The service that lets you stream TV and movies to when YOU WANT to watch them has had quite a nice little run the past three years. To wit:

July, 2012: $59/share

July, 2013: $267/share

July, 2014: $430/share

Yesterday: $716/share

Yesterday alone the stock rose 5%, roughly $35 per share. In April, when NFLX reported first quarter earnings, the stock rose more than $80 per share in one day. Of course, the question becomes, When does what goes up come down? The stock is trading at an insane 184 times earnings (Apple, by comparison, is trading at about 16 times earnings).

It’s nice to ride a rocket into the stratosphere. But if NFLX were to come crashing back to say, $400, tomorrow, would anyone on Wall Street say anything other than, “I told you so?”

Disclosure: I own some NFLX stock, but not as much as I owned when yesterday began. Bulls make money, bears make money, hogs get slaughtered. 

5. You’re Not in Fort Collins Anymore 

First-year Florida coach Jim McElwain arrived at SEC Media Days yesterday looking like this. He looks like every freshman from a Big Ten or MAC school three days into his or her first Spring Break on South Padre Island or Panama City.

Music 101 

Pompeii

Oh, where do we begin/The rubble or our sins

It’s Bastille Day so here’s that tune from the band Bastille, which happens to be my favorite pop song from 2014. This is an acoustic version performed in the British Museum.

Remote Patrol

MLB All-Star Game

FOX 7 p.m.

Has Bryce Harper (.339 BA, 26 HR, 61 RBI) lived up to the hype? That’s a clown question, bro.

When I was a camp counselor on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee (yes, the What About Bob? lake), this was the only television program they allowed the kids to watch all summer. The MLB All-Star Game has lost its shine some, what with interrelate play and the fact that each roster has 87 men on it, but it’s still a pretty good show. Now if they can just figure out how to make it so that the premier talents are also playing in the final three innings, when the contest — and Game 7 home court in the World Series — is actually decided.

by John Walters

Happy Birthday to the Angel next door, Cheryl Ladd (64 today).

Starting Five

1. Enjoy the Lulls

My favorite TV show that is not on TV? Jerry Seinfeld’s “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.” Here Jerry is joined by Stephen Colbert as they go out for coffee in Montclair, N.J.  It’s refreshing to see a comic who is both as intelligent and grounded as Jerry. You get the feeling that this was one of Seinfeld’s favorite shows to film.

2. Amy Schumer Destroys Football (with a little help from Josh Charles)

This bit from Inside Amy Schumer titled “Football Town Nights” is exactly why satire is the most dangerous form of comedy. Near the end of the riff, the new coach with the strange rules inspires the Bronconeers with this halftime message: “How do I get through to you boys that football isn’t about raping?!? It’s about violently dominating anyone that stands between you and what you want. Now you gotta get into the mindset that you are gods. And that you are entitled to this!”

3. Dave and His Amigos

Our favorite retiree, David Letterman, makes a cameo appearance at a show in San Antonio featuring old buddies Steve Martin and Martin Short looking happy, tan, and with a beard. “We met at a Scientology mixer,” Dave quipped. Then he read a Top Ten list about Donald Trump.

4. Tennis’ Great American Hope?

You love Roger, Rafa and Novak, and so do I. And maybe it isn’t a coincidence that none of them are Yanks (Swiss, Spanish, Serbian), although Andy Roddick did shine in his debut as a commentator (and nobody was surprised).

Anyway, there was an American male who held a Wimbledon trophy aloft this weekend. His name is Reilly Opelka, he’s 17 and he won the Wimbledon Boys Singles title on Sunday morning. Opelka, who is from Palm Coast, Fla., is 6’10”. He turns 18 next month and he has already turned pro.

5. “Today Was a Good Day”

That’s all that my former SI colleague and friend Josh Elliott tweeted yesterday, but you can see why. Josh, 44, and a budding figure at NBC, married local New York City WABC anchor Liz Cho, also 44, in California. Congratulations to both of them.

Music 101

Even If It Breaks Your Heart

This is the Eli Young Band from Texas. An old friend introduced me to them and to this song, released in 2012. I used to sing “Peter Paul guitar” to the lyric “beat up old guitar.” I realize my line makes absolutely no sense.

Remote Patrol

Running Wild with Bear Grylls

NBC 10 p.m.

The networks have finally woken up to the fact that cable produces more creative original programming. So what do they do? They poach cable’s stars and give them platforms similar to their cable programs. Tonight survival expert Bear Grylls takes Kate Hudson hiking in the Dolomites in Italy. Well, who doesn’t want to do that?

by John Walters

Feliz Cumpleanos, Sofia Vergara! 43rd

Starting Five

1. A Passing Legend Passes

RIP, Kenny Stabler. If you were a fortunate child of the ’70s, a 4 p.m. game from Oakland Alameda Coliseum on NBC, called by Curt Gowdy and featuring John Madden’s Raiders, was as good as it got. It wasn’t just a football game. It was a Western. And you always knew who the bad guys were (which did not necessarily mean you did not root for them).

There was no better NFL decade than the Seventies, and these four quarterbacks comprised its Mount Rushmore: Roger Staubach (class prez), Terry Bradshaw (class clown), Fran Tarkenton (overachiever) and Kenny Stabler (the kid who smoked).

This is the definite play from the southpaw. AFC playoffs, 1974, the “Sea of Hands” play versus the Miami Dolphins. Game had 40 million TV viewers. Life before cable and the web.

2. The 21 Club?

Serena is 38-1 this year, and her lone defeat was a withdrawal

You wanna talk emphatic? To win her 17th straight match and 15th straight set against the only active player with even 1/4 as many grand slams as she who is not also a sibling, Serena Williams served up an ace, a double fault, an ace, an ace and an unreturned serve.

Bye, Felicia (or in this case, Maria).

Serena goes for her 21st grand slam on Saturday at the All England. She is 20-4 in her previous grand slam finals.

3. Uncool

I missed this yesterday, but Adam Schefter of ESPN TWEETED out Jason Pierre-Paul’s medical records that revealed that JPP had his finger amputated. While Schefter did not break HIPAA laws, the person who obtained the records for him did. Which means Schefter knew that it was, at best, unethical. Or, in other words, AS made an ass of himself.

Was it really worthy ruining your reputation over a tweet about a football player’s condition in early July?

I knew Adama back in the mid-90s when he was covering the Broncos and I was at SI. He was always very friendly to me when I visited the Broncos complex and went out of his way to take me under his wing  (we were about the same age). I could see that he was ambitious and smart, but it was odd. He never turned it off.

That guy you see making appearances on ESPN. That’s the SAME guy who would ride in a car with me from the Bronco complex to dinner. Every conversation felt like a 3-minute hit on SportsCenter. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s successful. But I think he finally went too far in feeding his ambition.

Adam probably doesn’t care what I think. But I bet he cares what this guy thinks. I’ll be curious to see how NFL players treat him during training camps.

4. Psycho Cycle Chick

Wilcox has already cycled everywhere on earth. And she’s only 28.

The crazy part is NOT that Lael Wilcox, a 28 year-old from Anchorage, Alaska, just destroyed the women’s record in the 2,745-mile Tour Divide, a cycling event that stretches from Banff to Mexico (she shaved 2 days off the pre-existing mark, finishing in 17 days) in her rookie attempt.

No, the crazy part is that Wilcox BIKED from Anchorage to Banff for the start of the race. Solo. That’s a distance of 2,100 miles. And that included a trek across the Highway of Tears in British Columbia.

5. Venice Tornado…

…is not the name of the WNBA’s first overseas franchise. This really happened earlier this week. I think my favorite parts of this video is hearing someone say “Papi” so often in conjunction with a tornado (you don’t hear that in Enid, Okla.) and the fact that he keeps driving toward the funnel cloud almost until it’s too late.

Music 101

One Bad Apple

Remember how early rock gods such as Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones basically usurped the works of black blues guitarists? Meet The Osmonds, who basically did a white-face of The Jackson Five. You can totally picture Michael and his brothers doing this song and LOTS better. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that the Osmond Brothers were my first concert (I was five, my big sis wanted to go, and mom couldn’t find a babysitter….it was so strange getting high in the parking lot).

This song, by the way, hit No. 1 and stayed there for FIVE weeks. There’s a whole lot of acts that cannot make that claim.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96HqPpjI3UY

Remote Patrol

Wimbledon Women’s Final

ESPN 9 a.m. (Saturday)

How did this photo of Elena Dementieva get in here? I’ll have to have a stern chat with our Photo Dept.

Serena Williams goes for her 21st grand slam and fourth straight, which would give her a second career “Serena Slam”, i.e. holding all four titles at once. Carbine Muguruza of Spain is 13 years younger and has never advanced to a final, but she did beat Serena last year.

by John Walters

Happy 59th, Mr. Hanks. You won two Oscars in the early ’90s in other films, but this was your best role.

Starting Five

“Clang clang clang!” went the free throw!” All that fuss over a 41.7% FT shooter

1. Chris-Crossing Jordan*

The judges will also accept “Many Rivers to Cross,” “My Dinner With DeAndre,” “Where Jordan”, “Banana Boat Republic” and “Emoji-nal Rescue”

To be honest, I didn’t follow this saga as closely as many of you. All I know is that Dallas got a “Yes” but forgot to put a ring on Jordan’s finger. And then Los Angeles swooped in and won him back. It’s kind of like The Philadelphia Story, no? With emojis.

2. “She’s a Beauty, That No. 9”

Pluto, actual size

The New Horizons probe, which I’d always thought was a Gin Blossoms album but is actually a NASA exploration module, will arrive on the farthest planet (or is it?) in our solar system next Tuesday. It was launched nine years ago. So I don’t want to hear about your United Airlines delay.

3. Groin Pains

Awful moment, terrific photo. It’s nice to see a Cain who is his brother’s keeper.

Kanas City Royal left fielder Alex Gordon “heard the muscle in his groin pop.” That doesn’t sound good.

4. See You in September

Vintage Eddie

You know what I hate about rock festivals (that’s not a question; I mean, you DO know): dozens upon dozens of bands, most of them not worth a crap. So here comes the Global Citizens Fest, and it’s coming to my ci-TAY, on the Great Lawn in Central Park, on Sept. 26.

The acts? Pearl Jam, Beyonce, Coldplay and Ed Sheeran (in case you were wondering, Taylor Swift be in Nashville that night).

5. Gyllenhaal of Fame

Stop me if you’ve heard this: white boxer down on his luck who is a lefty; black boxer who is flashy and is his nemesis. If anyone can make Southpaw work, it’s Jake Gyllenhaal, who has passed Ryan Gosling as the best American actor under the age of 35. Solid profile of Maggie’s bro yesterday in Grantland.

Music 101

Goin’ Outta My Head

I heard this on a Mad Men episode and it brought back memories of riding in the back of my parents’ wood-paneled Chevy station wagon. Anyway, I never knew that the vocalist was actually a dude. This is Little Anthony & The Imperials, who recorded the song in 1964. It was later covered by just about everyone, including Shirley Bassey, The Lettermen and Frank Sinatra.

Remote Patrol

Lausanne Track Meet

beIN Sports 2 p.m.

Emma Coburn (left) and Jenny Simpson, good friends and teammates (New Balance, formerly at CU) could break American records in the 3000 meter steeplechase and 1500, respectively. Mo Farah runs the 5000. Best track meet of the summer before Worlds in Beijing.

by John Walters

How to celebrate Kevin Bacon’s 57th birthday? Everybody cut, Everybody cut/Everybody cut, Everybody cut/Everybody cut, Everybody cut/Everybody cut footloose!

Starting Five

Laird & Gabby: Yes it is and yes, he is

1. Skin, Kin

So, yeah, ESPN’s Body Issue is out. That’s Laird Hamilton, 51, and his wife, Gabriella Reece, who is 45. Age is just a number, kiddos. Now get off your phones and stop smoking. Especially you, A.J.!

2. Feud For Thought*

*The judges will also accept “Bro vs. Bo”

So Seattle Seahawk QB Russell Wilson is dating Cialis Ciara, a singer. And recently Wilson, a born-again Christian, told followers at the Rock Church (an entire religion devoted to Dwayne Johnson? Sure.) in San Diego that the couple were practicing abstinence.

Which led to this disagreement yesterday between ESPNers Bomani Jones and Chris Broussard (If you follow Bo on Twitter, you know that’s as polite as he ever gets with someone who disagrees with him). The problem with Broussard is that he’s become better-known for arguing with his co-workers over religious beliefs than he is for being an NBA reporter. Believe whatever you want: But remember that the Almighty is named Norby.

3. Titans of Tennis

How much richer a career legacy Reggie Miller or Patrick Ewing might’ve had if Michael Jordan had not existed. Likewise Maria Sharapova, 28, who has won five Grand Slam titles as compared to the 20 won by her contemporary, Serena Williams.

The two will meet in the semis at Wimbledon tomorrow. Williams, who has beaten Sharapova 16 consecutive times (I think she’s in her head),  would hold all four Grand Slam titles concurrently if she were to win Wimbledon later this week. Serena, 33, is the SotY in my book, if she wins this and the U.S. Open. Sorry, Carli.

4. Judy Blooms Again

It may be a good read, but I’m not reading it on a plane any time soon. Just like I didn’t read “Jaws” at the beach.

If you peruse the New York Times Bestseller List, you’ll see a familiar name from long ago: Judy Blume. The celebrated children’s author — so celebrated that my friend plays in a band called “The Judy Blooms” — from the 1970s, who hit it big with bestsellers such as Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret and  Blubber, is at No. 5 in Hardcover Fiction.

The novel, In The Unlikely Event, is based on Blume’s own real-life experiences as a teen in Elizabeth, N.J. when a series of plane crashes over her home town of Elizabeth, N.J., destroyed her sense of innocence. Blume is 77.

5. The Opening

Players choose to symbolically demonstrate a recruiting battle between Nick Saban and Jimbo Fisher

Now in its fifth year, Nike’s The Opening is beginning to be known by others outside of the college football recruiting atmosphere. Basically, Nike invites the top high school seniors-to-be to Beaverton for five days to participate in an NFL Combine type atmosphere with 7-on-7 passing games and OL skills competitions, too.

And, of course, Nike gets a chance to extend its brand.

Here are the rosters. I’m partial to the name “Boss Tagaloa.”

Music 101

All The Small Things

There was a lot of terrible music in the late 1990s (La Vida Loca, Mambo No. 5), but this punk charmer from SoCal trio Blink-182 always made you look for the Volume dial on the radio. What the Green Day trio were to NorCal, Blink had the chance to be for the O.C. crowd. They fell short of what we thought they’d achieve, but I’m sure they’ll always be welcome at Coachella.

Remote Patrol

Key & Peele 

Comedy Central 10 p.m.

Season premiere. They’re funny.