by John Walters

Wishing a happy birthday to Michael J. Fox, but wishing a happy birthday to Natalie Portman, too, which is sort of a portmanteau…

Starting Five

1. Peer Amid Scheme

The horse that wrecked autocorrect, American Pharoah, wins the Belmont Stakes and in so doing becomes the first thoroughbred since Affirmed in 1978 to capture the Triple Crown… a fact that the three year-old himself is completely oblivious to, despite the reams of copy produced by breathless scribes this weekend hailing this achievement.

It’s not that I don’t like the spectacle of the Triple Crown. I’m just nauseated by the hagiography of it all. It’s a horse that has no idea that there is any connection between this trio of spring jaunts nor that there is a decades-long drought associated with his achievement. I noticed nobody used their purple prose function to talk about Helwan, the four year-old colt who went down in the fourth race and had to be euthanized…

American Pharoah, here being whipped (don’t worry; he likes it) was not one of the 10 horses to die while racing at Belmont this spring. Do not let your children go into horse racing.

I”m not against horse racing. I’m against horse manure. On Saturday a Canadian friend of mine approached just before post time.

C: “So tell me about this Triple Crown thing.”
Me: “Well, it’s these three races in the spring time at three different tracks and if the same three year-old wins all three, that’s a big deal.”
C: “How come?”
Me: “Because that’s the way they’ve been doing it for nearly a hundred years.”

C: “Yes, but how come it’s a big deal.”

Me: “Because a bunch of two-legged creatures decided it was.”

We’ll always have this gem from The State, which sort of sums up how I feel about all the atavistic Gatsby-era hoo ha associated with this phenomenon. Is it cool that this happened for the first time in 37 years? Sure. Are we celebrating ourselves more than we are the horse? Yes, because the horse has no idea what it accomplished.

2. Tilda Swinton 2, Australia 1

Loved her in Michael Clayton…

The USA opens Women’s World Cup play with a 3-1 defeat of the Sheilas in Winnipeg.

Relaxing at home in Scotland…

3. Dad’-baughed

To quote a tweet from @MarkEnnis : “And what are you wearing, Jim from Ann Arbor?” “Uh, khakis.”

Perfect neologism/portmanteau and an equally well-executed column by Tom Fornelli, whose “Topless College Football Coach Power Rankings” yesterday was a bottomless pith of fun. Loved his No. 1, but had to wonder where was Mike Gundy? He’s a man, he’s 48, and he probably doffs his shirt.

Against my better judgement, I did Google “Topless Mark Mangino”

And we can all say a prayer of thanks that Mark Mangino is no longer a head coach.

4. Cavs lead Warriors, 1-1

The Los Angeles Lakers always had more talent than the Boston Celtics, but the reasons the Celtics at least took one of their three classic 1980s series from them is because 1) the Celtics almost always had the best player on the court (Larry Bird) and 2) Boston had a few more guys who understood their roles (although I’d be remiss in not stating that Michael Cooper of the Lakers NEVER gets enough love in these discussions).

The Cavs have twice taken GSW to overtime in Oakland in the first two games of the NBA Finals thanks to 1) having the best player on the court (LBJ) and 2) having role players who are doing more: Tristan Thompson, Timofey Mozgov Cocktail, and Matthew “It Ain’t Ova til’ It’s” Dellavedova.

Sure, they’re going to miss Kyrie Irving. But LeBron’s favorite play in this series has been backing Night of the Iguodala down and then dishing to a full speed Mozgov, whose way no one on GSW wants to get into. And I don’t blame them.

And yes, I was the guy on Friday reminding tweeps that the Cavs could win this series as people told me it would be a GSW sweep.

Meanwhile, let’s play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (thx to Tom Sullivan): Bacon in Crazy, Stupid Love with Marisa Tomei…who is in Trainwreck this summer with LeBron James…who is a teammate of Kevin Love…who is a nephew of Mike Love…who is a cousin and bandmate of Brian Wilson.

5. Dano What You Got Til It’s Gone

Love and Mercy: It’s like the Entourage movie if Vincent Chase actually suffered for his art.

Saw Love & Mercy and loved it. Well, let me put it this way: I LOVED the Sixties era version of it and liked the Eighties era version. Even though Paul Giammati was pig vomit-reprehensible as Dr. Eugene Landy and even though Elizabeth Banks was outstanding as Melinda Ledbetter and even though John Cusack was terrific in a nuanced performance, Paul Dano as a young Brian Wilson just went to a place (“In My Room,” perhaps?) that most actors can never get to. Oscar nomination for sure. Oscar win? It’s still early and I wouldn’t count Chewbacca out later this year.

Remote Patrol

Game 3: Warriors at Cavs

ABC 9 p.m.

Do you favor Curry?

It was Game 3 of the 1991 Finals, Bulls at the Forum, in which Michael Jordan wrested the legacy of champion away from Magic Johnson and the Lakers. Not that Magic’s Lakers weren’t magnificent, but they were gunning for their sixth title in the Magic era and the Bulls were in search of their first. The series was tied 1-1. Chicago won that game on the road and the confidence level disparity after that was a wide, wide gulf. The Bulls easily closed out the final two games of the series, all in L.A.

Does Steph Curry have that gear in him? Different era, different teams, different casts, I know. It’s a loose comparison at best.

No time for MH today. Sorry. Susie B., don’t take it personally. You know I was the one on Friday telling everyone who said the series was over that they were simpletons. It’s amazing that for as much as people watch sports, they mostly still fail to factor in the effect that incentive has on teams’ performances. Don’t fall prey to the Nate Silver world, people. It’s a calculus of ignorance for the greater things in life.

by John Walters

Hands up if you want to wish John Carlos (R) (June 5) and Tommie Smith (L) (June 6) happy birthdays. They turn 70 and 71 this weekend.

Starting Five

Feat of Klay meets Feet of Clay. My work is done here.

1. Hey Now, Heyyyy Now, Don’t Dream It’s Over

Game 1 of the NBA Finals: Did KI become KIA (and I’m not talking about a car that Blake Griffin hawks)?

Yes, LeBron James was magnificent in the 108-100 overtime loss: 44 points, eight rebounds, six assists. And yes, I’m allowed to point out (ducks as Susie B. tosses a shoe his way) that King James might’ve taken a better shot at the end of regulation. Why did he pull a Harden: you drive to the hoop all night, creating havoc, being able to dish for a Mozgov Cocktail or get a foul call, and then when winning time comes, you settle for a fallaway jumper from beyond the arc? WHY!?!?

(I’m sure we’ll get an answer in the Comments section…)

Cleveland outplayed Golden State most of the night, and Stephen Curry was merely mortal (26 points — the real MVP was “Night of the Iguodala”), but GSW still wins. Now 5-0 as a franchise in Finals games since moving to Oakland.

LeBron James, now 11-17 in NBA Finals games. Michael Jordan, 24-11. Brought to you by “Don’t Shoot The Messenger” productions.

Anyway, it felt like the series was over because of the way Kyrie Irving limped off court during overtime after making that game-saving block against Curry in the final :30 of regulation. Irving is still only 23 and the Cavs have $80 million invested in him over the next five years. If you watched the San Antonio game a few months ago, you understand just how brilliant a player Irving — the 2014 All-Star Game MVP — can be.

You don’t want to mess with his knees long-term. Of course, this series will only run until August, so you wonder if he’ll be healed by then. If it were me, I’d sit him. At least through the next game. Start Matthew Dellavedova, count on him to take out at least two Warrior starters with his “spirited play,” and that’ll even things up.

2. Blatt, Blatter, Blattest

This is going to make a wonderful profile pic for his OurTime.com page

In a week in which Cleveland Cavalier coach LeBron James David Blatt and FIFA president Sepp Blatter have been in the news, the editorial staff here at MH — I refer to them simply as “The Danettes” — have been picking their brains to determine what sports figure is the “Blattest.” And what actually that term implies.

And we still don’t know, but we are going to single out Marine Corps vet George Hood, 57, above, as the Blattest man alive this week for setting a new world record in planking (5 hours, 15 minutes, 15 seconds…. and thereby crushing our personal best of nine seconds). That’s some awesome endurance. Hood is like a machine. Almost like a…fort.

Hood dedicated his effort to, and raised money for, the Semper Fi Fund, which helps wounded vets, which is very cool.

3. Brodacious

Vince, Drama, Turtle and E. show up on Ellen and play “I Never.” Also, we learn that Jerry Ferrara worked at a Boston Market in the neighborhood and was Employee of the Month seven times.

4. The Mountains Win Again*

“Damn! I just remembered I locked my keys in the van.”

Only 19 years after the fact, the story of the 1996 tragedy on Mount Everest, so chillingly (pun intended; they always are with me) told by Jon Krakauer in his best-selling book, Into Thin Air, comes to the big screen. Starring Josh Brolin, Robin Wright (schwing!) Jake Gyllenhaal and featuring many scenes of Keira Knightley talking into a phone (“AC-ting! Thank you!”).

Set for a mid-September release. Seems like an IMAX-worthy film, no?

Here’s the trailer. Little-known fact: Filmed entirely in Toronto.

*If this tune does not make the soundtrack, I don’t know anything.

5. AP Ranking

Two good-looking thorobreds (I have no idea if that makes any equine sense): American Pharoah and Josh Elliott

Well, if American Pharoah wins the Triple Crown tomorrow, he’ll be No. 1, no? That’s all I got. Go read the always terrific and never unprepared Tim Layden at SI if you want to know more. All I really know about horse racing is that the athletes are three years old and that the one trainer anyone cares about will either be played by John Slattery or Don Johnson in the movie, and that writers are compelled to try to find a new angle on his story every year, which seems almost as tiring as it is tiresome.

Also, if I know SI, and if I know their horsey editor, somehow the mag will find a way — and it should — to have the great William Nack pen a column about the historical signifiance of it all.

And remember, kids: Secretariat was not the last horse to win the Triple Crown. It only feels that way (Affirmed, in 1978; Alydar may be the greatest runner-up of all time, with apologies to Stockton & Malone).

Music 101 

7 Stars

Besides appearing on The Colbert Report a couple of times, The Apples in Stereo, a quasi-psychedelic outfit from Denver, have never found the national acclaim that at least I feel they’re worthy of. This tune is from 2007 off their New Magnetic Wonder CD. I don’t think it ever charted, but I’m a fan.

Remote Patrol

SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY!

UEFA Champions League Final: FC Barcelona vs. Juventus

FOX 2 p.m. (pre-show; kickoff at 2;45 after all the Heineken ads)

Messi, Suarez and Neymar, the South American troika, take on some nasty Italians.

Belmont Stakes

NBC 4:30 p.m. (pre-show; post time is almost two hours later)

I’ve always wondered if Aqueduct even stages races on this day…..

by John Walters

Happy “Bar-thday” to Bar Refaeli, who turns 30 today. Also, happy “35th” birthday (whatevs) to a GFOB, Moose, who is one of our Top 10 favorite Canadians.

Starting Five

E.-nough alreadsy

1. A Farewell to Bros

The film version of Entourage opens this weekend, and my next-door cubicle neighbor, Alex Nazaryan, did not have the kindest words to unleash upon it. In fact, Alex wrote an entire brobituary in which he referenced dadbod, Natty Ice, DMB, Swingers, A&F, man spreading, lacrosse and d-bags.

You can actually feel Alex’s contempt seeping into your fingers.

As the titular (and self-proclaimed) head of the Johntourage, I can only tell you that I’ve moved on to craft beers, GoT recaps, and European football, bra.

2.Jerry and Elaine Together Again? GET! OUT!

“That’s MY move.”

The season premiere of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is up on the web, as host Jerry Seinfeld squires the comedienne formerly known as Elaine Benes (and now just as beloved, even if she’s passed her last believable day, as President Selina Meyer) in a 1964 Astin Martin. Jerry takes Elaine out for a cup of cappucino and they drive past Hillary Swank (cameo, her best work in years). The java is too cold and Elaine volunteers to return them and suddenly we’re back at Moe’s Coffee Shop.

“He’s now calling me an asshole behind my back,” says Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

“That’s the proper way to call someone an asshole,” retorts Jerry. “Behind their back.”

To paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, “That’s funnier than anything any current sitcom has in its act.”

This is fun to watch. The genuine affection between the two is palpable throughout. And by the way, who said there are no second acts in American life (oh yeah, it was F. Scott; well, he was wrong about that)?

3. But Was It a Lannister Lion?

There’s an episode of the Mary Tyler Moore Show that many consider that sitcom’s supreme effort –and a few folks consider to be the best sitcom episode ever — that revolves around the untimely death of Chuckles the Clown. Here’s the money scene.

Notice how Mary finds it impossible to control her giggles as the mood is somber, but then when the preacher inviters her to laugh out loud, she breaks down crying?

Where are you going with this, JDub? Great question. I’m not exactly sure. But when I read yesterday that the woman who was mauled to death by the lion in Johannesburg –everyone in the car had their windows down, which is strictly forbidden in the park, and now they know why — was an Emmy-award winning special effects editor for Game of Thrones, the hed above was my first thought.

Call me immature.

I’m really sorry for the woman’s family and everyone who cared about her that she died at the age of 29. Worse, she was in Africa reportedly on an anti-poaching mission, a cause that’s dear to my heart. The best thing any of us can do, I think, after we flush the bad jokes out of our systems (or at least me, mine) is to send a check to an agency working to end poaching in Africa. These animals are far too wonderful to lose. In Tanzania, for example, 60% of the elephant population has been lost to poachers in the past 5 years. That was the most depressing news I’ll hear all week.

4. Gators Repeat

Florida won its second straight Women’s Softball World Series last night, defeating Michigan 4-1. USA Softball Player of the Year Lauren Haeger shut down the Wolverines whose star pitcher, Haylie Wagner, gave up 3 first-inning runs after going 20 scoreless innings in the WWS.

5. Being John Malkovich Brian Wilson

Next up for Cusack? “Love & Mercy Street”, the Peter Gabriel biopic.

The only film I’m actually really looking forward to seeing in the next week or two is Spy Love & Mercy, the story of the Beach Boys genius Brian Wilson. It stars Paul “Book ’em” Dano as the Pet Sounds era Brian Wilson, and John Cusack as the sad-sack, anti-depressant addled Brian Wilson.

While Dano somewhat looks like the young Brian Wilson, Cusack bears almost no physical resemblance to him (okay, they both have two eyes and a mouth and both own beach houses) and the filmmakers seemed not to care in the least. It’s like when Chevy Chase used to play Gerald Ford on SNL. Anyway, the biopic has gotten solid reviews across the board and at the very least, you’re listening to some of the most ethereally beautiful music ever recorded for 100 or so minutes, no?

Dennis was only 39 when he died.

You know who’d be a great biopic character? Brian’s little brother, Dennis. The Beach Boy drummer — the only band member who actually surfed — was playing in the band when they’d already hit international status at the age of 16. He was also the studliest member of the group. And the one that Charles Manson befriended.

Can you imagine being the coolest thing in California at age 16 in the early Sixties? Wow.

Music 101

I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Are you ‘aving a laugh? One of the better goofs in rock & roll history is this song by The Darkness, a band that will never be accused of taking itself too seriously. But Lord, the hook here is actually infectious. This ode to ’70s glam rock, released in 2003, hit No. 2 on the UK singles charts. Permission to land? Granted (“guitar!”)

Remote Patrol

Game 1: Cavs at Warriors

ABC 9 p.m.

I was hoping that TNT would have the series so that they might invite Bill Simmons on Inside The NBA. No such luck. How far have we come in one year? This was B.S. just one year ago at the Finals in Miami.

by John Walters

“She’s with Leather (Tuscadero)”…Happy 65th birthday, Suzi Quatro

Starting Five

Exit, Stage Right (or is it Stage Left? I can never remember how they do that. Katie, a little help?)

1. Sepp-tic Removal*

Friday: “I am the president of everybody!”

Tuesday: He is the president of nobody.

Sepp Blatter, now in his 17th year as head of FIFA, declares a need for “profound reform” and “deep-rooted structural change” within that same body. But he doesn’t seem to see a causal connection here. It’s not a lie if you believe it, Jerry.

Blatter resigned. The same day that ESPN’s Bob Ley re-signed. Hashmarks are important.

Blatter resigned on the same day that world No. 2 Roger Federer was ousted from the French Open, which puts a new wrinkle in “Swiss Timing.”

If you read just one story today (besides mine) concerning the KerFIFAl, read this one.

*The judges are accepting numerous nominees, from “S. Blatter” to “Blatter Removal” to “The Gall of Blatter” to “Sepp’in Out”

2. How You Doin’?*

Gallo made his MLB debut on the same date — June 2 — that Lou Gehrig replaced Wally Pipp. Gehrig would also die on June 2, 16 years later, in 1941

With Adrian Beltre on the DL, 21 year-old Joey Gallo is called up and goes 3 for 4, including a 430-foot smash off Jeff Samardzija in the 3rd inning. Gallo finished the night against the Chicago White Sox with a double and a single as well and four RBI.

Can we agree right here that “Joey” is a terrific sports name? Perhaps not quite as good as “Barkevious,” but still pretty good.

Gallo and Bryce Harper were actually teammates in Little League in Las Vegas. Props to the mom or dad who took this photo. And how did that team do?

If Joey Gallo continues to play with such aplomb, the city of Arlington may name a street after him. They’ll call it Joey Gallo Way (and to think I’m not talented enough to be one of Katie Nolan’s 14 writers!).

*Please tell me you saw what I did there….

3. The Wonder Of It All

Dean Potter climbing Heaven, with no net or rope. Half Dome lingers in the background.

As noted yesterday, I’m drawn to people who live before they die. And I’m equally drawn to those who understand that as inhabitants of earth, we’re renters, not buyers.

Dining room view from the Fogo Island Inn

Zita Cobb, who created the Fogo Island Inn to help preserve a sublime island community in Newfoundland (story in Newsweek).

Dean Potter, who may have seemed a little bonkers to you, but who felt a kinship with the wilderness and fearlessly found ways to connect with it before he ultimately died on May 16th in Yosemite National Park (my story in Newsweek is here).

Timothy Treadwell, a.k.a., Grizzly Man, whom you may think was far more bonkers. And while I agree to an extent, it’s worth nothing that Treadwell did last TWELVE summers living among brown bears in Alaska where most would’ve given him 12 minutes. And, I’m a fan of anyone who fights for wild animals and exposes poachers.

Wipe out here and death is a distinct possibility

And finally, Laird Hamilton, who is hailed as a surf god and sex god, but who really is no less out there than the other two men I just mentioned. Hamilton routinely surfs waves that are 25 to 50 feet tall (read The Wave by Susan Casey; highly recommended). That’s tantamount to suicide, too. You may argue that Hamilton is skilled, arguably the world’s best big wave surfer. Well, Potter was the world’s greatest climber and Treadwell probably the world’s best ursine survivalist.

In the end, I don’t care that any of them don’t conform to what most of us consider normal. I feel confident saying that none of them would trade their lives for ours. We all die of natural causes. It’s how we live that matters. And there really is no blueprint.

4. Come Hull or High Water

More than 400 dead

In China a violent storm causes a cruise ship, the Eastern Star, to quickly capsize in the Yangtze River. More than 450 passengers were aboard and most died.

5. New Girl

Caitlyn Jenner: Vanity. Fair?

Leave it to Jon Stewart to put Bruce Jenner’s transformation to Caitlyn Jenner, and the media’s coverage of it, in proper perspective.

Music 101

Radio Radio

They say you better listen to the voice of reason/But they don’t give you any choice because they say it’s treason

He usurped the King of Rock ‘n Roll’s first name and Buddy Holly’s look, and yet Elvis Costello was dauntingly original, and wrote brilliant lyrics. Weird. Here he is in 1979 before he got into writing ballads for romcoms (Notting Hill) in the Nineties.

Remote Patrol

Stanley Cup finals, Game 1

Blackhawks at Lightning

NBC 8 p.m.

Prime-time, network hockey. There’s hope for us all yet.

Also

Gilda 

TCM 9:30 p.m.

Jessica Rabbit ain’t got nothing on you, girl

Rita Hayworth. This is what all the fuss was about. Ask Andy Dufresne.