No Katie today (the GOP wins control of the Senate and suddenly Katie must off to work. Coincidence?) Hopefully, she’ll return some time soon. You’re stuck with me today, but don’t worry: I won’t opine on Lena Dunham’s sisterly vaginal spelunking.

And, I’m working on another ‘puter that doesn’t allow me to download photos (read: I have yet to figure out how to do), so those will wait ’til later.

Starting Five

1. GOP Years

“You down with GOP?/Yeah, you know me.”

The Republicans take control of the U.S. Senate, 52-44, and suddenly our most august governing body resembles a Big 12 football game early in the fourth quarter. The Dems are going to need to go for two if they score.

My only (USDA) beef: Let’s make voting hella easier. It’s 2014. Most of us have jobs and cannot easily get to polls at public schools during the day. We have the internet. We have places of business (e.g., Starbucks, Wal-Mart, CostCo, Target, In-n-Out Burger) that millions of Americans frequent daily–and those are all American business.

Let’s put the polls there (and, no, your Starbucks barrista would not authenticate your voter registration). Let’s let people vote. Because right now the way we vote is –and I love her to bits–skewed toward making it easy for Phyllis and other retirees to vote, but not for two-parent households where both work. I get the feeling that the people in charge like it just the way it is. And that’s just one more reason our system is so corrupt.

2. Houston, Hello!

You and I thought the Rockets would truly miss Chandsome Parsons. And perhaps they do. But the Rockets moved to 5-0 last night with a win at previously unbeaten Miami. So, yes, Dwight Howard is 5-0 and Kobe Bryant (37 shots last night; Shoot, Kobe, shoot!) is 0-5 and I imagine Dwight is aware of that.

The Rockets and Golden State are the only two teams in the Association (“Cherished is the word I used to describe…”) who are in the Top 5 in both Scoring and Scoring Defense. And, yes, I know it’s early, but the Rockets are thriving without two key glue guys from last season, Parsons and Omer Asik.

Why? Because The World’s Most Famous Ariza, Trevor, is having a torrid start. He’s already made 21 threes’, or 50% more than the NBA’s next highest arc-etype. James Harden is scoring like an MVP. And Terrence Jones appears ready for his close-up.

By the way, it couldn’t be any earlier in the season, but it’s funny to see San Antonio, Oklahoma City and the LOLakers currently out of the playoff hunt. Those three have appeared in 14 of the past 16 NBA Finals.

3. Platinum Blonde

Taylor Swift’s first few months in New York City are proving better than mine, back when because of a phone strike we had no phone service (this was pre-cell phones, kids) for three months and I was living in a 2-bedroom, 4th-floor walk-up on the Upper East Side with two friends from college. Oh, and we had wildings (not to be confused with wildlings) and squeegee guys and people were listening to Rico Suave. Those were end of days times, kids.

Anyway, yesterday SoundScan announced that T-Swizzle’s new album, 1989 (which just happens to be the year I moved here), has sold 1.287 million copies in its first week of release. That’s the best album debut in 14 years, or more pertinently, the best album debut since Steve Jobs murdered the record business.

Hey, you know me: I love the T-Swizzle. I don’t really love the songs I’ve heard on this album, but then she’s not making it for me. I’ll still take “Tim McGraw” over this.

4. A-Rod Cheated?!?!

Medium Happy went directly to Popeye for a comment, and he said, “Well, blow me down! Then Popeye scurried away when we asked him how his forearms got so huge.

Anyway, it has finally come out that A-Rod admitted using performance-enhancing drugs, which Selena Roberts (and all sentient beings) already knew. The two best takeaways from the story: 1) A-Rod injected the drugs directly into his stomach and 2) he was advised to use mid-stream urine when providing a sample for his tests. This gives an entirely new meaning to the term “pinch-hitter.”

5. Everyone (except Miss. State) Can Shut Up

The CFP Committee released its second round of rankings last night and all anyone should really care about is the Top 10. Of course, fans of most schools like to debate that their alma mater/favorite school should be higher because it is better based on some metric that, of course, puts their school in the most favorable light.

But let’s face it: It’s a crap shoot. Of the top ten teams, only Mississippi State is both undefeated (at least until Nov. 15) and has yet to play a game in which one play late, had it turned the other way, would have changed its record. MSU’s “closest” win was by 5 at LSU, but they led that one 34-10 early in the fourth quarter. Sure, if the Tigers had recovered the onside kick after scoring with 1:27 left to make it 34-29, they might have won. But they didn’t. So that’s not a one-play-away scenario we can point to. At the minimum, that’s two plays that never even happened.

Florida State needed a Clemson fumble late and a referee’s flag to remain undefeated.

Auburn needed an amazing play by Kris Frost to remain at one loss.

Oregon might still be unbeaten if Scooby Wright hadn’t sack-stripped Marcus Mariota.

Alabama threw an endzone INT that, if caught by a Tide player, would have meant a win in Oxford.

Michigan State needed a late INT to stave off Nebraska.

TCU got burned on a 4th-down non PI call, then on a 4th-down PI call, in Waco. They also needed a last-second field goal in Morgantown. They could have two losses; they could have zero.

Same with Notre Dame: could have two losses, could have zero. Only two plays altered those outcomes.

Arizona State is No. 9 in part due to a 47-yard Hail Mary pass on literally the game’s final play at USC.

In other words, 2-10 are separated by the thinnest of margins. Which is only magnified by the fact that No. 2 basically beat No. 10 because a referee threw a yellow flag that had no impact on the outcome of the play.

Remote Patrol

Country Music Awards

ABC 8 p.m.

Country’s biggest night, they call it, and this awards show has been hemorrhaging in popularity the past few years. One big reason? Co-hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood have the best chemistry of any duo on TV. Even better than Tina and Amy. By the way, mid-term elections followed by CMAs? It’s like the greatest Red State week in years. Keep an eye, by the way, on newcomer Brandy Clark, an openly gay singer/songrwiter, who is up for some CMA love.

STARTING FIVE

Dig it: I would not even think of touching Lena Dunham (the story, I mean…although now that I think about it, neither) with Katie standing in the on-deck circle. I trust Katie, who grew up with three sisters and even more brothers, to apply her typical mature, holistic and nurturing views to the Dunham kerfuffle. I’m sure we’ll all learn something….something disturbing.

Charles Koch, who looks disturbingly akin to a 2029 edition of Stephen Colbert.

1. Electoral Dysfunction: Koch Hold

The brothers behind Koch Industries, Charles and David Koch, finally spent a portion of their billions on TV ads last weekend. At least that’s the first I saw of it. The Wichita-based monolithic conglomerate infiltrated college football with ads that included lines such s “We’re still branching out into new fields” (politics, cough cough) and “You may not always see our names on the products” (senators, cough, congressmen, cough)…”

Good stuff.

There’s no way to know exactly how many millions of dollars the Kochs give to Super-PACs –they are not obliged to disclose that information –but this piece gives you an idea of just how much they pull the strings on election day. According to The Daily Show, the figure is approximately $290 million, or about It’s a completely broken system in which the only people eligible to fix it would be the very people who’d be most damaged by altering the system. Which is simply FUBAR.

This is why revolutions take place in third-world countries, by the way.

Current Maxim cover model Bregje Heinen also finds the Koch’s influence in the electoral process disturbing. Or so we assume.

By the way, when Jon Stewart learned that the above ad was running on his air, he did the only thing worth doing: he trolled the ad. Seriously, if you’ve seen Michael Clayton, how is the Koch Industries ad much different than the one produced by U-North?

One final idea: It’s 2015 (Update: apparently, it’s still only 2014). Do we really still need to hold elections on Tuesdays after the harvest at elementary schools? Can I just hitch up my horse and walk in or must I take off my boots? Put polling centers at Starbucks, at Wal-Marts, at Targets (all American companies, by the way). Or find a way for people to vote on-line. It’s almost as if, dare I say it, the incumbents would prefer it if we didn’t vote. Hmm.

2. SI’s Twitter 100 (You’re Kidding, Right?)

Not on the list but definitely should be (we’ll adopt SI.com’s policy of recusing ourselves from consideration) and appearing in order of egregiousness of oversight:

Jason Gay, Wall Street Journal columnist @JasonWSJ

Cecil Hurt, Tuscaloosa News Bama beat writer @CecilHurt

Bomani Jones, world-class riler-upper @Bomani_Jones

Doug Gottlieb, CBS Sports, @Gottliebshow

Everybody from The Big Lead @TheBigLead including @JasonMcIntyre @Stephen_Douglas and @TyDuffy

Jeff Passan, Yahoo! Sports MLB columnist @JeffPassan

Stewart Mandel @slmandel and Pablo Torre @PabloTorre , both noted Sports Illustrated emigrants. And while I’m not a Jimmy Traina fan, he fits this category as well (and has more than 52,000 followers).

3. Et Tu, Jeptoo?

Jeptoo set the course record at Boston (2:18:57) last April.

Kenyan marathoner Rita Jeptoo, winner of the past two Boston Marathons and Chicago Marathons, reportedly tested positive for EPO in an out-of-race drug test on September 25th. The positive “A” test could result in Jeptoo, 33, forfeiting her $500,000 prize as the women’s world marathon champion for 2014.

In the past three years, 18 Kenyan runners have failed drug tests. In the 19 years prior to 2012, a total of 18 Kenyan runners had failed drug tests. Kenya, you have some ‘splainin’ to do.

4. Men at Virk

Will Norby say, “You no longer Virk here?”

So Adnan Virk sat in Keith Olbermann’s chair on Olbermann yesterday —an aside: there is no way on God’s green Earth that KO likes airing at 5 p.m. on ESPN2, opposite ATH each day; no way. And he’s right not to like it. Norby should put him in his natural Tom Snyder-like spot, some time after midnight, and guarantee viewers they will see him nightly, even if it’s not until 1 a.m. He’s getting buried at 5 p.m.— and used the provisional pulpit to hit a volley at...ESPN. And its “mandated” NFL coverage for “talent.”

Did Adnan clear this with Norby beforehand? And how did this go over in Bristolgrad? We’ll see…

5. That’s Abominable Snow, Man

Seidel isn’t tinkling, but Lester appears to be holding in some gas.

The best part about the NBC Nightly News clip explaining what weather stud Mike Seidel was really doing on air is that Brian Williams used the euphemism “writing his name in the snow.” And, trust me, from someone who has had to “cross the ‘t'”, dotting the i’s would not have been easy.

Remote Patrol

My Favorite Blonde

TCM 9:30 p.m.

With a title like that, you have to at least check it out. Bob Hope, Madeleine Carroll in a farce involving Nazi spies and a performing penguin. Made in 1942, at the outset of our involvement in World War II. Americans weren’t so damn sensitive back then.

STARTING FIVE

Kris Frost makes the play that saves Auburn’s season…

1. Oxford Blues

Because we are not overly intelligent, or sophisticated, we in the media (print AND television) tend to over-dramatized offensive plays that win games or championships. In Auburn’s case alone, we are still raving about last season’s 4th-down Hail Mary pass that beat Georgia and the Kick-Six that aggravated Nick Saban’s numerous ulcers.

And those were both dramatic, bordering-on-miraculous plays. But then, so was Auburn linebacker Kris Frost’s tackle of Mississippi’s Laquon Treadwell (48 catches, 5 TDs on season) last Saturday night in Oxford. In what may have been the most thrilling game of the season (or at least the most thrilling since Notre Dame visited Tallahassee), the No. 3 Rebels trailed the No. 4 Tigers 35-31 with 90 seconds left when Treadwell, who had already scored on a quick out pass, caught another from Bo Wallace near the 20. As Treadwell scooted toward what looked to be the go-ahead touchdown, Frost caught him from behind and pulled on Treadwell’s hips, just inches from the goal line.

Frost’s tackle, unfortunately, led to a a fracture of the Ole Miss’ star receiver’s left leg, which probably is what caused Treadwell to lose his grip on the ball just inches shy of paydirt, the lead, possible victory and a shot a the F-Cubed (Football Final Four). Although the refs initially ruled a TD (and this was nowhere near as egregious as Nick Chubb’s initial non-fumble in the WLOCP), it was overturned.

Here’s Frost’s play, in case you have yet to see it…

Gus Malzahn to SEC West: U can’t touch this…

What does SEC-city native Tom Petty say: “Oh, God, it’s painful/When something is so close/And still so far out of reach.”

Obviously, sorry to hear about the sophomore Treadwell’s injury (T&P, etc.). But when you consider the play that Frost made, and how it altered the trajectory of both team’s seasons, it deserves to lead off our day…

2. “We’re Going Back to College?”

I wasn’t lying: McNeely, sans shoe.

Sorry, Katie. Item No. 2 is more Sports, more College Football.

Thought No. 1: In no sport is “making a play” a bigger deal than football.

1) Florida holder Michael McNeely, a five-eight walk-on who was recently accepted to the University of Florida Medical School, scores on a (down field-holding aided) fake field goal in the first quarter. At the time the Gators trailed 7-0. That play altered the entire mood of the game –I love how McNeely lost a cleat after scoring and a cheerleader tossed it back to him–and my friend Dan Wolken tweeted something from the Ole Miss press box about how that play could swing the game in UF’s direction.

Dan was correct. Florida went up 31-7 before Georgia even remembered that it was supposedly the better team. About making plays, I’d add that three plays earlier the Gator holder snapped the ball over the head of QB Treon Harris. Georgia freshman DB Dominick Sanders had a clear shot at Harris 20 yards behind the line of scrimmage, but as DBs attempting QBs are won’t to do, went for the knockout when all he needed was the sure tackle. Instead of 2nd-and-32 or so, Gators had 2nd-and-22. Did it make a difference? We’ll never know.

As a non-scholarship athlete, McNeely can work (at a Publix); somehow he still has time to do well enough academically to be accepted to med school; high standards…what a concept!

Gators, by the way, ran the ball 60 times and passed six. Navy threw more on Saturday versus Notre Dame. And yet Georgia did not abandon its base defense until late. Credit for this loss rests squarely on Mark Richt. And why Todd Gurley, in the wake of the Marcus Lattimore news, would return to play for a Bulldog team that isn’t going to the F-Cubed (Football Final Four), is beyond me.

p.s. McNeely works at a Publix. Clip-and-save for when the Gators play the Seminoles.

P.S. No. 2: Has a single play ever done more to potentially alter the trajectory of a coach’s career? I’m sure the answer to that is “yes,” but nothing comes to mind at the moment for me.

Okay, I had more thoughts but I have to get on with my day. Maybe more tomorrow…

3. Prince, Rock, Return to SNL

Prince sports his “3-Eyed Raven” shades…

It was a week that began with the Royals on FOX and ended with Prince on Saturday Night Live. The Purple One performed an SNL-record eight-minute long medley of tunes.

Rock Royalty (nominally) Lineup: Kings of Leon, Queen, Prince, Lorde, Amboy Dukes, Steve Earle.

Much, MUCH more worth mentioning about the show was host Chris Rock’s monologue. Because you can’t watch it without having an opinion about it.

Thoughts:

1) I LOVE Chris Rock. LOVE him. Because he’s fearless and honest. So you need to know that going in…

2) Content aside, this wasn’t as polished as he usually is. It felt a little like he needed to rehearse this another day or two.

3) Those first two points are minor. The major takeaway is that Rock chose to discuss highly touchy subjects as the bases for humor: The Boston Marathon bombings, the Freedom Tower and 9/11, the over-commercialization of Christmas, and gun control. You may as well be trying to score off Madison Bumgarner.

4) The Boston Marathon jokes fell flat –we all knew where he was going–but the Freedom Tower stuff, to this New Yorker, was hilarious, because it’s what everyone who lives here is thinking: “The Freedom Tower? They might as well call it the ‘Never Going In There Tower’ cuz I am never going in there. There is NO circumstance that will ever get me in that building. Are you kidding me? Does this building duck?…In the SAME spot? They put another skyscraper in the same spot? What kind of arrogant Floyd Mayweather crap is this?… Hey, I got robbed on the corner of 48th and Eighth about 20 years ago…I’ve never been back.”

Perfect. And it’s what every New Yorker I know is thinking. As a hundred or so Conde Nast employees prepare to head into their first day of work at the Freedom Tower today, I bet they have all shared this video among each other.

5) The Over-Commercialization of Christmas point can never be overstated: We celebrate the birth of the least material man in Western history with the most over-commercialized day/season of the year. Not in the face, says Jesus. Again, perfect. He probably could’ve gone deeper and funnier on this, but it’s all true. And I’ll use this bit to rationalize another year of me under-performing as a Yuletide shopper.

6) The gun bit. Again, from where I stand, hilarious and true. Common sense, with the 2nd Amendment nuts, is not in play. You’re not a nut if you believe in the 2nd Amendment. You’re a nut if you fail to appreciate that in 1787 the framers probably had no idea that there’d be guns that could fire 4,000 rounds per minute. Anyway, it was a great closing line, “From now on, the only time you’ll ever hear me mention a disease is if I have it.”

UPDATE: My never-met-in-person friend Joanna S. notes that the Boston Marathon and Freedom Tower jokes may all have just been a set-up for the larger joke, which is, We’ll commercialize anything in America, because that’s the nature of America: making money. “The $9.11 Red Lobster special.”

4) The Metastasis of Tom Rinaldi

Reporting live from Tumor’s Corner…

I honestly don’t know Tom Rinaldi. Have never met him. But, to me, he’s doing to cancer what malls have done to Christmas.

Cancer is bad. Got it. I think we all knew that.

This week Rinaldi produced not one but two Bart’s People-style features on college athletes dealing with cancer. The first was on Auburn’s spectacular wideout Sammie Coates, who has befriended a leukemia patient. The second was on Mount St. Joseph women’s hoopster Lauren Hill, who has inoperable brain cancer but was able to play in one college game before she must deal with a truly awful fate.

Standing alone, every story Rinaldi has done is worthwhile. But when all you ever seem to do are cancer stories, it begins to feel like pandering. Like you’re trying to manipulate us with the go-to tearjerker. It’s like I’m imagining Rinaldi sitting in a room and wondering if Brittany Maynard ever played a college sport.

You could, at this stage, create an entire web site of Tom Rinaldi cancer-centric features. It’s past the point of parody.

5. Maher on Free Speech

Let’s hear from the jack-o-lantern…

I’m a Bill Maher fan, not because I necessarily agree with his views, because I believe that he really believes in finding the truth and arguing the issues. He’s not perfect –if he were, we’d have an over-commercialized holiday in his name–but I think that most of the time he just wants to find the truth.

Anyway, this was from last Friday night. Here’s Maher talking about his proposed commencement speech at Cal-Berkeley in December and the online petition to prevent him from speaking. And here’s attractive panelist Rula Jabreal (“She’s quite a Muslim”) disagreeing with him. What I enjoy about this most is the saintly patience Maher displays as she continues to drone on (bad use of verb, perhaps) even though he has repeatedly, and politely, told her that they have to move on. This may be because Maher is such a terrific host –but if I’m being honest, it’s probably because she’s hot and Maher loves the hot panelists.

Tell me if you disagree, but what’s funny to me is Rula doesn’t listen to what anyone says. She speaks over everyone. She’s completely implacable. She’s reinforcing the worst views of radical Islam. Maher: “In your world, either I say exactly what you want or I’m a bigot.”

Yup.

Remote Patrol

Casino Royale (with cheese?)

Spike 8 p.m.

Women go crazy for a sharp-dressed man…

“Shaken or stirred?”
“Do I look like I give a damn?” 

While much of this 2006 James Bond remake starring Daniel Craig felt like self-parody to me –either that or the first-ever Norman Chad-free telecast of the World Series of Poker–it is still terrific and cruel. Craig may be the best Bond since Sean Connery. Amazing, since he really did not stand out in Munich a few years earlier.