STARTING FIVE

Welcome to the Prairie?

1. The Last Audacious Video

It was the summer of 1992. People were actually listening to Extreme and wondering if that Seinfeld show would ever become funny.

And Guns ‘n Roses ruled the earth, notorious for sometimes not taking the stage –even at stadium shows –til after midnight (presumably after each member had banged four to six supermodels).

But they were ambitious. And talented. And while Axl, Slash, Duff and the gang probably should have trimmed Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II into one classic album (just as Bruce Springsteen should’ve done the same with Lucky Town and Human Touch that same year), there’s no denying that they were sober (or not) just long enough to pen a 1970’s style rock-and-roll epic that would come in at 8:57, long enough for any FM deejay to sneak off for a piss or a toke.

As a song, this is the equivalent to David Lean’s Lawrence of Arabia. As a video, it’s just as epic, what with supermodels, spilled/tossed alcohol, a church in the middle of New Mexico, and Stephanie Seymour. It’s in the fine tradition of George Michael’s Freedom ’90 (the greatest video of all time) and I do believe MTV never aired a video again that reached so high as a piece of cinema.

22 Novembers later, Stephanie Seymour graces the cover of this mag and still looks as if she could slay Axl’s muse (which she did)

And because it’s November, and because who wants to hear me prattle on for five grafs about a movie starring Keanu Reeves and a terminally ill Charlize Theron, I thought we’d salute it here. Slash may have “no idea” what the video’s about, but who cares? I don’t know what Stairway to Heaven is about, either.

By the way, I may alienate a few fans here, but November Rain slightly better than Purple Rain and Rain King, although Have You Ever Seen The Rain? may trump them all.

2. It IS Rocket Science

Swoopes, Thompson, Cooper: Do not even TRY landing on us.

Apparently, a space probe named Philae landed on a comet named 67P (in the future, we will all have such names) some 310 million miles from earth. Medium Happy is dispatching its science reporter, Jason Anstey, to 67P for comments. Godspeed, Jason.

Meanwhile, The Cardigans issued a press release to remind all that they were the “First Band on the Moon.”

Landing a space probe on a comet is not easy (nor do I have any idea what purpose it serves). You know what is easy? Buying stock in Apple (AAPL) and Alibaba (BABA) and then just putting your feet up. It’s Julius Thomas-easy. That easy.*

*Apple is up 32% in the past six months while Alibaba, which went public less than two months ago, is up 42% this month. Try getting any hedge fund to promise you even a 10% return on an entire year. 

3. Plus Model? Well, it IS an Add

Delbasio, 27, is a former Miss Teen Wisconsin. People have been saying “cheese” around her all her life. These are the jokes, folks.

The Nontroversy of the Week occurred when Calvin Klein debuted this ad featuring Wisconsin native Myla Delbasio, 27, as a “plus-size” model. Delbasio, a Size 10, is five-foot-eleven (I have no idea if she ever played college sports, but I doubt it).

Obviously, Miss Delbasio (no relation to that other Italian-American Wisconsin native, Laverne DeFazio) fails to fit the standard American ideal of “plus-size,” though relative to CK alum Kate Moss, she is. But while everyone was busy harrumph-harrumph-harrumphing over this, Calvin Klein garnered a lot of free attention. Well played, CK.

Meanwhile, in college football, TCU moved ahead of Alabama in the CFP rankings, which got lots of people harrumphing (Phyllis in Mulga?), but who cares. The Tide host No. 1 Mississippi State on Saturday. If they win, they’re in the Top 4; if not, they’re out. Simmer down now!

4. I Would Drive 500 Miles (And I Would Drive 500 More!)

The Baja 1,000 kicks off today from Ensenada, Mexico. Like most auto races, its title is self-explanatory: drive 1,000 miles through the Mexican Baja peninsula, which someday people will appreciate for the gold mine that it is: Imagine a Pacific coastline the length of California, south of California (i.e., warmer) that is mostly uninhabited. Hey, Andy Dufresne was no dummy (actually, Zihuatanejo is south of the peninsula, but I’m not going to waste a good Shawshank joke).

The Baja 1000 is the surest way to get your ass killed in Mexico that does not involve drug lords.

Anyway, Porge and Jones (sibling and GFOB) will be there today. As will, oddly enough, Bruce Jenner.

5. Eight Men Outstanding

The longest football win streak that we are aware of, pro, college or high school, belongs to tiny Parhanagat Valley High, which is located in Alamo, Nev. (which, let’s face it, sounds fictitious), about 100 miles north of Las Vegas. PVHS, which plays eight-man football due to its school size (below 100 students) has won 79 in a row following last Friday night’s 60-0 win over Sandy Valley (Nev.) The Panthers host Carlin High in a state playoff game tomorrow nigh as they shoot for 80 in a row.

 Where in the World?

Our semi-popular series returns! I don’t know where I left off the last time, but if you can find the date, I’ll tell you the name of the place…

Remote Patrol

The Philadelphia Story

TCM 11 p.m.

This film is an all-timer. At worst, DVR it tonight.

“Ah, South Bend…it sounds like spring time.” That’s Kate Hepburn as a divorced society dame fending off the matrimonial advances of Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant (who is younger here, and not quite as irresistible as he’d be in later films such as North By Northwest and An Affair To Remember). It’s a film that reminds some of us of our on-line dating experiences.

STARTING FIVE

The bad news: still no Katie. Let’s chalk it up to Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) or the fact that Tig Notaro was rushed to the hospital with an undisclosed medical emergency or that she’s busy feeding Neil Sampat classified documents on an air computer. The good news: We’ve got pictures again! Yayyyyy!

We’re going to keep doing this Tracy-and-Hepburn thing ’til we get it right…

1. Smart and Smarter, Two

They’re back. The whole gang from ACN News returned on Sunday night, and even if they are in fourth place, who cares? I don’t hate-watch this show; I love-watch it. A few thoughts as opposed to an all-encompassing roundup:

— The most unrealistic moment in the episode, for me, was a Wall Street guy even bothering to ask Sloan Sabbith if she were involved before he hit on her. They simply don’t care.

–The John King-Is-Actually-a-Credible-Reporter infomercial was sponsored by Dumb and Dumber, To, in theaters this weekend.

–I noticed in the closing credits that Andrew Ross Sorkin was listed as a consultant for the episode. It’s the Sorkin-est episode of The Newsroom yet.

— Sorority Girl: “You’re nine-feet tall. You cannot just wear any suit.” Will: “She’s starting to get the hang of this place.” My favorite exchange of the show.

–“Let’s do sports,” says Will MacAvoy and yet again we are reminded of the similarities to Keith Olbermann.

–Gary Cooper getting a lot more lines, no?

–Neil Sampat just went Michael Corleone, no? They should’ve made it an Italian restaurant in the Bronx.

2. How Swede It Is!

As long as this trio calls the WSOP final table, I’m all in….

A Swede and a Norwegian battled to the Finnish at the World Series of Poker final table last night/this morning. Martin Jacobson, 27, flopped a set of 10’s on the 328th hand of the final table against Norway’s Felix Stephensen, who had gone all-in out of desperation, to win the Main Event and the $10,000,000 prize. Good work if you can get it.

As always, the long hours of watching the Final Table are rewarding because of the fantastic banter between host Lon McEachern and analysts Norman Chad and Antonio Esfandiari.

Also, I think Chad noted that the last seven winners of the Main Event have been dudes in their 20s. It’s a young man’s game. Not sure why it is not yet a woman’s.

Finally, I believe Jacobson entered his first Main Event three years ago and busted on his THIRD hand of the entire tournament. So there’s hope for all of us…as long as we don’t mind paying the $10K buy-in.

3. Lawn Seating

There was a major American musical event in 2014 and Taylor Swift was not included?!?! What the hell? I haven’t yet had a chance to see last night’s Concert for Valor, the free Capitol Mall show that reportedly drew 500,000 and also aired live on HBO, but I did read that Port-a-Pottys were hard to find.

4. Kobe Misses Mark, Sets Mark

Kobe Bryant misses 16 of his 26 shots in the LOLakers’ loss at Memphis, breaking John Havlicek’s career record for Missed Field Goals. You know what? Mamba and Hondo are two of the top 20 or so players in league history, and when it comes to guys you absolutely want as teammates, they’re in my top ten.

Kobe now has 13,421 missed shots. “Well, I’m a shooting guard,” Kobe said, and then we imagined he gave a Joey Bosa shrug while flashing his five NBA championship rings.

5. Do You Believe in Septuagenarians? YES!

Al Michaels turns 70 today. That’s not a miracle, on or off ice. Here’s Richard Deitsch’s interview with him from earlier this week on (and here’s Part 2) on SI.com. The only thing I think RD left out were a few questions about the stock market. Al is far more obsessed with following NFLX than he is the NFL.

Remote Patrol

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

ABC 11:30

In honor of the 30th anniversary of “Songs From the Big Chair,” Tears for Fears will perform live outdoors at JKL. Here’s hoping they do the “Head Over Heels/Broken” medley. In the spring of 1985, this pair and Howard Jones ruled. I know. It was a strange time.

STARTING FIVE

1. FEAT OF CLAY

Utah wideout Clay Kaelin is guilty of premature exuberation as he ends what should have been a 79-yard TD catch and an early 14-0 lead versus No. 4 Oregon by dropping the ball on the 2 and shifting into “IT IS ALL ABOUT ME” mode. The Ducks pick up the fumble, return it 99 yards for a 7-7 tie and then go up 21-7 while Ute fans are still wondering what the hell just happened. Kaelin graduated from the same high school (Long Beach Poly) as DeSean Jackson.

2. Movin’ On Up

The Chicago Bears allow 55 points to the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field, making them the first NFL team since the 1923 Rochester (MN) Jeffersons –not to be confused with the Jefferson (MO) Starships– to surrender 50 or more points in consecutive games  so it is not ALL Jay Cutler’s fault.

3. We Are Not Discussing The Newsroom Because There Is No HBO In Devil’s Gulch And You Can’t Make Me and Earmuffs Yes I Imagine Maggie Said or Did Something That Makes You Want To Beat Her With Charlie’s Bottle of Glenlivet But We Are Absolutely Not Discussing The Newsroom And I Am Typing This on An iPad So How About a Little Compassion, Okay?

4. Elsewhere in CFB… Did Notre Dame suffer Reverse Seasonal Affect Disorder in Tempe?… The final 70 seconds plus overtime in Death Valley tells you everything you need to know about the difference between Les Miles and Nick Saban. The Hat is so much more fun to hang out with, but you are going to give the keys to your car to Nick if you need someone to drive you home. LSU probably wins if they just don’t send the kickoff out of bounds. Or if they tackle a Tide receiver inbounds. Bama had no timeouts on that final drive…Georgia performs its annual rendition of “Too Much, Too Little, Too Late” by blowing out Kentucky, 63-21, now that all of the pressure of potentially advancing to the F-cubed is gone…Auburn Clemsons (a bad night for Tigers)…Marshall, due to an onside kick, trails 14-0 at Southen Miss before taking a snap, then outscores the Golden Eagles the rest of the way, 63-3. The Herd is now 9-0 and the only FBS team to have scored 35 or more points in every game…Should any of us be hopeful that Duke won’t lose two ACC title games in a row to FSU? Or should we be wondering why the Seminoles are only a 2 1/2-point favorite at Miami?…Ohio State is still alive for a playoff berth; the Buckeyes will not lose again…North Dakota State loses to Northern Iowa, 23-3, ending the nation’s longest CFB win streak (33 games).

5. Turvy-Topsy: The Lakers won, but remain in last place in their division. The Spurs are in last place in their division and the Thunder are one game out of last place in their division  oh, and it is November 10…

Medium Happy has a travel day tomorrow –or we are taking off for Veterans’ Day– and will return Wednesday with the restaurant-quality blog that you have come to expect for your hard-earned dollars.

Today, something a little different: A brief anecdote illustrating how Phyllis is just the best and then a film review from Medium Happy’s resident master of the celluloid analysis –but not cellulite analysis–Chris Corbellini (“Yaaaaaay!”).

So, last night I arrive to Devil’s Gulch, a.k.a., the homestead, and Phyllis already has the lasagna warming on the stove and a fresh batch of homemade brownies ready. She’s the best (special kudos to Porge for the chauffeur service). Anyway, Phyllis wonders why I’m hobbling around and I tell her that I think I broke my toe. 

Seated across from me on the sofa, Phyllis tells me  that she, too, recently had a toe incident. She pulls off her left shoe as she shares a story about how she recently dropped a very heavy piece of roofing on her big toe. Then she pulls off her left sock. Then she looks down, somewhat quizzically. “Oh, it was the other foot.”

Classic Phyl.

Now, on to….

The Film Room: with Chris Corbellini

Birdman

**** (out of four stars)

Even with all its technical mastery and boldness of story, BIRDMAN really banks on what the audience remembers most about its lead actor, Michael Keaton. The guy played the title role in BATMAN over 20 years ago, transforming him from a respected actor to worldwide movie star and, it can be argued, launched comic book movies into the billion-dollar industry that it is today.  This one could have been a compelling watch as a barebones indie based on the following premise: where does Keaton’s real-life experiences end, and where does the performance begin? But director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu pushes for more, and it’s thrilling to see.

Keaton plays a fading movie star named Riggan Thomson who once portrayed a superhero named Birdman, and is now desperately trying to recapture that glory on Broadway by adapting the Raymond Carver short story “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.” Riggan is the director, lead, and bankroll of this passion project, and he juggles all of those responsibilities and the other people in his life in almost every scene. The story then keeps throwing him another chainsaw to juggle until he nearly drops them all. It’s not hard to fathom Keaton going through these experiences at different points of his career. Can you name another big-name film he’s been in since the performer wore Batman’s cape? That’s the point. Otherwise, BIRDMAN is Fellini’s 8½, for the Twitter generation, with bits from the John Ritter version of NOISES OFF.

The plot drives home the wanton cruelty that’s part of the package of being famous, from critics, frenemies, and even from family, and how that fame can further complicate the already-stressful creative process. It also hands these folks truckloads of cash, confidence and sex on a platinum platter, but you don’t glimpse even a frame of that here, it’s merely hinted at from Riggan’s heyday in the ‘90s. All you see is a 60ish man trying to get his next fix. If he could shoot fame into his veins, I have no doubt the character would (Related: he likes the booze).

“The first rule of ‘Underwear Fight Club’…”

BIRDMAN also captures a common, true-to-life trait among the super-successful in the television and film industry: when they have an idea or vision for something, nothing short of death will talk them out of it or even nudge them, ever-so-gently, in another direction. Riggan likes Carver’s work because the author had some kind words for a performance during the actor’s formative years. He also sees the prestige of Broadway. Nobody is able to steer him away from his obsession, not his manager (a buttoned-up Zach Galifianakis), who sees the books, or his family (Amy Ryan and Emma Stone), who sees the emotional toll and suffer from it themselves, or a fellow actor (Edward Norton), who understands the difficulties of executing it and is a handful on stage and off.

Norton really stands out here, and like Keaton, is playing on his reputation that he’s egotistical and difficult to work with in real life.  The first scene has him challenging Riggan about motivation of character, and at the moment you think the director is going to cold-cock him and re-establish his alpha-male status, the Norton character gives him a line reading that blows him away. Now Riggan must have him. The punches come later, after the talent eyes up the backside of Riggan’s daughter and torments a fellow actress (a fragile Naomi Watts) during a preview show.

On the roof of the theater Norton and Stone play “Truth or Dare” and the camera gets so tight on both that I noticed the actress was not wearing makeup, and the lens may have grazed Norton’s cheek. A lot of this movie is shot this way – as if you are the devil/angel on the actors’ shoulders, seeing everything as they do. A lot has been written about how the movie is filmed to look like a single tracking shot, as if the 119-minute run time is comprised of one long scene. And while some scene transitions are easy to spot (a walk into a darkened hallway, for instance, or a pan to another part of the set), I must admit even as a trained film editor I strained but couldn’t see how they cut up certain parts. No question, BIRDMAN is masterfully put together.

“My mother entered a room without knocking once…ONCE!”

Not long ago I checked out the David Bowie exhibit at Chicago’s Museum of Contemporary Art, and the one thing that struck me was how the rock star said he wanted to look the way his music sounded.  Well, BIRDMAN was filmed, choreographed and edited to look the way its lead character feels, and yes, how he sounds to others. And while there will never be another like Bowie, he’s also not for everyone. So it goes with this film.

Indeed, though this is my first four-star review for mediumhappy.com, I cannot wholeheartedly recommend it to the masses. After the screening, inspired partially by a lovely night in Manhattan, I walked 21 city blocks back to my apartment trying to figure out how to explain this. Here’s my stab at it: BIRDMAN pushes some boundaries in film making, and all of the creative folks, from Keaton to the grips, happily went along for the flight. But there is no doubt some of the weirdness involved will glaze eyes over, especially the ending. I’d like to see the final tally at the box office, because while I think it’s a movie made for movie aficionados, playing well at Cannes doesn’t mean it’ll earn well in Cape Cod and Crescent City.

Then again, Keaton playing a spectacular version of Daffy Duck might be enough. I hope so. The actor gave this one everything – including a dash through Times Square wearing nothing but his Hanes. There’s no business like mocking show business.

It’s the Chili’s Express version, as MH has a travel day…

Starting Five

1. Paisley Park

Carrie Underwood: “Do you like Arianna Grande?”

Brad Paisley: “No, I don’t drink coffee.”

That, plus a joke about America’s epidemic (“Post-partum Taylor Swift Disorder”) and a nod to the fact that the Country Music Awards, of all things, was pre-empting “Black-ish.” If Brad and Paisley ever want to revive the network television variety show, it’s waiting for them.

2. They Came To Splash

Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson go for 28 and 19, respectively, as the Warriors shoot out the walls of heartache (“Bang! Bang!”) in a 121-104 defenestration of the Clippers. It wasn’t that close. The Splash Brothers go a combined 8 of 8 from the free throw line, which makes them a combined 53 of 56 this season, or 94.6%. That new coach of theirs, Steve Kerr, did happen to be one of the great free throw shooters of all time.

p.s. Susie B., it’s great to have you back, but I’m not going to worry about the Cavs’ sniffles yet, okay? I’ll leave that to SportsCenter.

3. Where Artie Thou?

What the hell, Artie Lange? America’s somewhat favorite overweight, drug-addicted, crude Jersey native comic goes on a vulgar and misogynistic Twitter rant about First Ache host Cari Champion. Isn’t having to spend a couple of hours each day with Skip and Screamin’ A punishment enough?

4. The Medium Happy Eight

Mississippi State, Florida State, Auburn, Alabama, TCU, Oregon, Kansas State, Michigan State.

Your mileage may vary.

Notre Dame will greatly miss Joe Schmidt IV this Saturday at Sun Devil Stadium. Some great future players in the Irish’s back 7 (Jaylon Smith, Max Redfield, Nyles Morgan, Dru Tranquil) but there’s a great opportunity for Taylor Kelly to exploit all that inexperience.

5. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

So AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has been charged in New Zealand with conspiracy to commit murder (“If you’ve got a lady and you want her gone/But you ain’t got the guts”). We repeat, Phil Rudd. Not Paul Rudd. So don’t go canceling those plans to make Role Models II, Hollywood.

Remote Patrol

Spurs at Rockets

TNT (“I’m dynamite!” Can’t get those AC/DC tunes out of my head) 8 p.m.

Texas tussle between the defending champs, who looked less than sharp in a 2-point win at home against the Hawks last night, and the most impressive team of the season’s first week. Houston Hello! is 5-0 while only having played one home game thus far. James Harden making an early bid for MVP.