STARTING FIVE

Mario Gotze’s control-and-finish was a thing of beauty in the 113th minute, but Andre Schurrle’s cross into the box was every bit as spectacular.

1. “SIEG!”

Portugal, 4-0. Brazil, 7-1. Argentina, 1-0.

Germany outscored its Portuguese or Spanish-speaking opposition 12-1 en route to the World Cup championship. That’s Ger-MANY goals. It was actually Ghana (2-2), USA (1-0), Algeria (2-1) and France (1-0) who provided them stiffer competition. Or maybe it was just a matter of when die Mannschaft was on, they were unstoppable.

For the record, Germany won World Cup and 60% of USA’s goals were scored by Americans who were born and raised in Germany.

Germany was the best team in the tournament. They deserved it. Meanwhile, the Men in Blazers arrived back home to “the crap part of SoHo” and provided this black tie Boot Room Extra.

Coming to World Cup 2018: Jim Boeheim wants 128 nations to get in, while Mike Slive thinks that two SEC teams should get in (kudos to @theFishstache). Meanwhile, does Pussy Riot play before the final?

2. The Son Holds the Sun

“He’s got the whole world (or center of our solar system) in his hands/ He’s got the…”

Here’s how I imagined the conversation going:

“I am the light of the world.”

“NO! I am the light of the world.”

“My dad made you!”

“Your dad made you.”

“I am Who am.”

“Today is Sun-day. When you get one day per week named after you, as opposed to one day per year, get back to me.”

Didn’t you love when the ABC director could not avoid the temptation to return for a second helping of this admittedly spectacular shot? And Ian Darke was annoyed –Darke opposes Light! Good job, FIFA writers –so that when they finally returned to the game, he cheekily intoned, “Germany leads, two-nil.”

3. LeBron James, 007 & Vladimir Putin Walk Into a Room…

Gisele, a Brazilian of German descent, was a no-brainer. But who’s that guy standing next to her?

How about that FIFA World Cup final guest list? Putin, King James, Daniel Craig, Ashton Kutcher, Wyclef Jean, Arash Markazi, Shakira, Gisele AND Adriana Lima (those FIFA executives are no dummies; evil, but no dummies). Here’s the entire list…

Oh, it was studded with stars….

Game 3, 1996 NBA Finals, Bulls at Sonics. I’m trailing Bob Costas for two days for a story in Entertainment Weekly. After the telecast, Bob and Julius Erving stroll into a luxury box at Key Arena with me in tow. Here’s who’s in the room besides those two: Cindy Crawford (and a friend), Dennis Rodman and three members of Pearl Jam, including Eddie Vedder.

Jocks/Rock stars/Film stars/Supermodels. It’s their world. The rest of us just live in it.

4. Not So Fast, My Fiend

I only hand out balls to the ladies. You should know that by now.

While he was standing in the on-deck circle  in the fourth inning of last night’s game at Camden Yards, The Captain, Derek Jeter, decided to hand a baseball (don’t know if it was autographed or not) to a little girl who was seated in the second row. A dude in an Orioles shirt seated in the front row attempted to intercept it, and it’s hilarious how quickly Jeets pulled it back from the dude’s grasp. Two things struck me:

1) You’d think after the entire Tony Tarasco-Jeffrey Maier fiasco (that’s Costas on the call)  that dudes in Orioles shirts would have learned (by the way, Maier did not actually catch it).

2) If there’s one thing we know about the future Hall of Famer, it is that he only bequeaths baseballs to the ladies.

p.s. The little girl did receive the ball and the Yanks lost 3-1 after the game was called with no outs in the bottom of the fifth after a 2 hour, 20 minute rain delay.

p.p.s. Is this the best ad of the year?

5. Emma Coburn Notice

Coburn’s 9:11:42 broke Jenny Simpson’s five year-old American record by more than one second

I’m not sure whether Emma Coburn looks more like she should be starring in an Alfred Hitchcock film or auditioning for The Bellas.

Either way, the 23 year-old Colorado native and alum is stunningly beautiful. She is also now, after Saturday’s meet in Glasgow, the fastest 3,000-meter steeplechaser is American history. While Coburn finished second to Ethiopia’s Hiwot Ayelew, her time broke the U.S. record of her New Balance teammate Jenny Simpson. Coburn now owns the first, third, fourth, fifth and sixth-fastest times in the steeplechase, as difficult a race as there is in track, in U.S. annals.

Oh, and it should be noted that her boyfriend’s name is Joe Bosshard.

Coburn should definitely be more well-known. Can you work on that, NBC?

Where in the World?

Friday: The Pantheon, Rome

Hint: If you guessed the Dolomites, try again.

***

Happy Birthday (and Happy Bastille Day) to Dan Smith, the lead singer of Bastille, whose hit single is about a city that is NOT located in France. Just to be clear, for any Upper West Side residents reading this, this is NOT the same Dan Smith who “will teach you guitar.”

Remote Patrol

Backpackers

CW 8:30 p.m.

The show I pitched, “Barackpackers”, in which POTUS and SCOTUS tour Europe separately, was not picked up.

While ESPN airs the Home Run Derby (“A Cespedes for the Rest of Us”), even better summer escapist fare may be this trek through Europe. An engaged couple decides to backpack through Europe –separately– to test their bond before marriage. Duuuuude! Head to Amsterdam, like, pronto!

Well, for starters, Jim Gray wasn’t involved. I’d say that ESPN wasn’t involved either, but let’s face it, they were. Where else were we going to see eloquent Heat fan reacts like, “yo, this sucks man…. it just sucks.” And thank god they had a stable of reporters that could “confirm” the story after it broke. (“It’s not official until we say it’s official!) I might have turned on NBA TV to see coverage, but I don’t know where it is, it always takes me two minutes of cruising up or down the channel guide to find it, and I wasn’t that interested.

So LeBron broke his decision via a poem. No, it was an essay, but how great would a poem have been?

Wait, I’m supposed to believe LeBron wrote an essay? Oh, it was “as told to Dan Jenkins”. Ok, it was Lee Jenkins, but how great would that have been?

Universal praise ensues. For LeBron, for Cleveland, for Jenkins, for Dan Gilbert.

Kevin Love will be traded to the Cavs to form a younger, better “big three” that can make a run at a title next year. Don’t trade Wiggins for Love? Love can rebound, shoot 3’s and (perhaps most importantly) throw the best outlet passes in the league. (We’ve all had the argument about how good LeBron would be as a tight end or a receiver. Adding Love will be the closest we ever get to seeing that. He might average 20 points a game on breakaway dunks.) Love’s the perfect complement to LeBron. Pat Riley and Dwyane Wade will fade away. Rockets fans will wonder why the hell they paid that much money for a guy who averages 16 points and four boards a game.

But back to today’s news. The essay. I’ll preface the following fan fiction by saying that I like LeBron. He’s chasing titles. You can argue that he isn’t doing it the “Jeter Way,” but you could also argue that rather than going to find other good players, Jeter just let the Yankees bring those players to him. Phil Jackson takes a lot of measured pauses when he speaks (most people read them as “ah, the zen-master is zenning out”… I think he might just be zoning out) and he never really says much that adds up to anything. But he’s a coaching legend because he put himself in fantastic positions of opportunity. The “genius” of the triangle offense was simply, “get the ball to MJ,” or “get the ball to Kobe and have Shaq underneath.” God bless him, he won a ton of titles and you can’t take that away from him, but his brilliance was in figuring out which way the wind was blowing and hopping on the biggest wave.

LeBron has learned that nobody is good enough to win it by himself. When Wade was still a top-10 player, they were good enough to win titles. The Spurs had four players better than Wade this year and the Heat got killed.

So LeBron is once again taking advantage of his opportunity as a free agent and going home. A home that is in much better shape then when he left. A home that could have Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love on board. He was demonized for the way he left Cleveland, with a TV show that was as interesting as when Geraldo Rivera went into Al Capone’s vault. (Google it youngsters….. and  who was more smug and obnoxious at their peak, Geraldo or Jim Gray?)

So kudos to the essayist, Lee Jenkins, and here’s how we’re guessing the “as told to” version went:

LeBron: “Yo, so I’m signing with the Cavs. Look, I’m from Akron and I know a lot of people there. It’ll be fun.”

Jenkins translation:

Before anyone ever cared where I would play basketball, I was a kid from Northeast Ohio. It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart. People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son. Their passion can be overwhelming. But it drives me. I want to give them hope when I can. I want to inspire them when I can. My relationship with Northeast Ohio is bigger than basketball. I didn’t realize that four years ago. I do now.

LeBron: “It kind of sucked the way people reacted when I left. Be cool to make it up to them.”

Jenkins translation:

Remember when I was sitting up there at the Boys & Girls Club in 2010? I was thinking, This is really tough. I could feel it. I was leaving something I had spent a long time creating. If I had to do it all over again, I’d obviously do things differently, but I’d still have left.

LeBron: “Miami was bomb though. God did we have a lot of fun. I’ll keep a pad there for the parties…off the hook.”

Jenkins translation:

Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids. These past four years helped raise me into who I am. I became a better player and a better man. I learned from a franchise that had been where I wanted to go. I will always think of Miami as my second home. Without the experiences I had there, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today.

LeBron: “I love my boys, but I didn’t know D-Wade would age so fast. I should probably text him though.”

Jenkins translation:

I went to Miami because of D-Wade and CB. We made sacrifices to keep UD. I loved becoming a big bro to Rio. I believed we could do something magical if we came together. And that’s exactly what we did! The hardest thing to leave is what I built with those guys. I’ve talked to some of them and will talk to others. Nothing will ever change what we accomplished. We are brothers for life.  I also want to thank Micky Arison and Pat Riley for giving me an amazing four years.

LeBron: “Yo, say something nice about the coach… what’s his name again… Spoonstraw or something? And Riley… say something cool about him.”

Jenkins translation:

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted. I don’t want anyone thinking: He and Erik Spoelstra didn’t get along. … He and Riles didn’t get along. … The Heat couldn’t put the right team together. That’s absolutely not true.

LeBron:  “We almost done? I want to get to Brazil to party. Hey, they don’t have the internet in Brazil do they?”

Jenkins translation:

I’m not having a press conference or a party. After this, it’s time to get to work.

LeBron: “Winning titles is what’s up. I want to win titles in my hometown for my homeboys.”

Jenkins translation:

When I left Cleveland, I was on a mission. I was seeking championships, and we won two. But Miami already knew that feeling. Our city hasn’t had that feeling in a long, long, long time. My goal is still to win as many titles as possible, no question. But what’s most important for me is bringing one trophy back to Northeast Ohio.

LeBron: “The wife’s been bitching about getting back around family. I’m like, “that’s cool.”

Jenkins translation:

I always believed that I’d return to Cleveland and finish my career there. I just didn’t know when. After the season, free agency wasn’t even a thought. But I have two boys and my wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl. I started thinking about what it would be like to raise my family in my hometown. I looked at other teams, but I wasn’t going to leave Miami for anywhere except Cleveland. The more time passed, the more it felt right. This is what makes me happy.

LeBron: “I didn’t want to go back to being on the shitty Cavs again though. So I had to make sure they could get K-Love. Me, him and Kyrie can win titles.”

Jenkins translation:

To make the move I needed the support of my wife and my mom, who can be very tough. The letter from Dan Gilbert, the booing of the Cleveland fans, the jerseys being burned — seeing all that was hard for them. My emotions were more mixed. It was easy to say, “OK, I don’t want to deal with these people ever again.” But then you think about the other side. What if I were a kid who looked up to an athlete, and that athlete made me want to do better in my own life, and then he left? How would I react? I’ve met with Dan, face-to-face, man-to-man. We’ve talked it out. Everybody makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes as well. Who am I to hold a grudge?

LeBron: “Wait, does that sound too much like the 4,5,6 thing I said when I signed with Miami?” Put some, like, modest sounding stuff in there.”

Jenkins translation:

I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. It will be a long process, much longer than it was in 2010. My patience will get tested. I know that. I’m going into a situation with a young team and a new coach. I will be the old head. But I get a thrill out of bringing a group together and helping them reach a place they didn’t know they could go. I see myself as a mentor now and I’m excited to lead some of these talented young guys. I think I can help Kyrie Irving become one of the best point guards in our league. I think I can help elevate Tristan Thompson and Dion Waiters. And I can’t wait to reunite with Anderson Varejao, one of my favorite teammates.

LeBron: “End it with something cool, man. Say some stuff about Cleveland that makes me look good. We cool? Adios, man”

Jenkins translation:

But this is not about the roster or the organization. I feel my calling here goes above basketball. I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously. My presence can make a difference in Miami, but I think it can mean more where I’m from. I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up. Maybe some of them will come home after college and start a family or open a business. That would make me smile. Our community, which has struggled so much, needs all the talent it can get.

In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have.

I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home.

Well done Mr. Jenkins. We’ll see the Cavs in next year’s finals.

— Bill Hubbell

STARTING FIVE

1. The LeBron Playlist

Editor’s Note: This was undertaken on Friday morning, before the SI.com piece came out. Was intended for the gang at the real job, but the news got in the way. Still, you have to credit the MH staff for their prescient thoughts, no?

1. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash

“This indecision’s buggin’ me/Indecision me molesta”

2. “Let’s Stay Together” by the Rev. Al Green

“Loving you whether, whether/Times are good or bad, happy or sad”

3. “The Heat of the Moment” by Asia*

“What were the things you wanted for yourself/Teenage ambitions you remember well”

Asia, an early 1980s supergroup, were the 2010-14 Miami Heat of rock bands. Four All-Star musicians who came together from different bands to produce two blockbuster albums.

4. “Get Back” by The Beatles

“Get back, Jo Jo!”

5. “Miami”by Will Smith

“I only came for two days a playin’/But every time I come I always wind up stayin’”

6. “Cleveland Rocks“ by Ian Hunter

“All the little kids growing up on the skids/Going Cleveland rocks, Cleveland rocks

7. “Price Tag” by Jessie J

“Ain’t about the (uh) cha-ching cha-ching/Ain’t about the (yeah) ba-bling ba-bling”

8. “Our Lips Are Sealed” by The Go Go’s

(dedicated to “sources”)

“Pay no mind to what they say/Doesn’t matter anyway”

9. “The Life of Riley“ by Lightning Seeds

“So here’s your life/We’ll find a way/We’re sailing blind/But it’s certain, nothing’s certain”

10. “All Apologies” by Nirvana

(for Dan Gilbert)

“I’ll take all the blame/Aqua sea foam shame”

11. “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by The Black Eyed Peas

(suggested by Cavs fans parked outside LeBron’s Akron estate)

“Crazy is what crazy do/Crazy in love, I’m a crazy fool”

12. “Changes In Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes” by Jimmy Buffett

“Nothing remains quite the same”

13. Kyrie Eleison by Mister Mister

“Kyrie Eleison/Where I’m going will you follow?”

14. “Back Where You Belong” by 38 Special

(for Chris Broussard)

“I heard you’re asking how I’m feeling/I guess I’ll play it day by day”

15. “My City Was Gone” by The Pretenders

“I went back to Ohio/But my city was gone”

16. “Miami Vice Theme“ by Jan Hammer

17. “Live Your Life” by T.I. featuring Rihanna

(dedicated to ‘bron’s and D-Wade’s week in Las Vegas)

“Just live your life (Oh!) ay ay ay/Aint’ got no time for haters”

18. “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) by Beyonce

“Cause I cried my tears for three good years/You can’t be mad at me”

19.  “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News

(dedicated to double-double dealing power forwards)

“It can be cruel sometimes/But it might just save your life

20. “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

“Moats and boats and waterfalls/Alleyways and payphone calls/I been everywhere with you”

21. “Cry” by Godley and Creme

(the best ending of a “Miami Vice” episode, and decades ahead of its time)

“You make me wanna cry/You don’t know how to ease my pain”

22. “Black and Yellow” by Wiz Khalifa

(sub in “Wine” wherever you hear “Black”)

“Repping my town when you see me/You know everything wine and yellow wine and yellow”

23. “Dirty Money-Coming Home” by P. Diddy featuring Skylar Grey

“And though my kingdom awaits/And they’ve forgiven my mistakes”

2. Forced Friendship

“Olive Garden it is!”

Whoever pitched this concept to Seth Meyers deserves either a raise or a promotion. Great idea, and then adding Keith Morrison for this edition is an inspired choice. Or is it? Here’s the first installment, with Lester Holt.

3. Lance. A Lot

If you’re following the Tour de France –most of us are not– defending champion Chris Froome dropped out after a Stage 4 crash and a Stage 5 across cobble-stoned streets in the rain that was the strangest idea since that World Cup qualifier played in a blizzard. Meanwhile, John Richardson over at Esquire has penned a pretty spectacular of a one-time seven-time Tour de France champion titled “Lance Armstrong in Purgatory.”

Turns out Armstrong, 42, spends most of his time golfing these days. Because isn’t that what you do when you’re middle-aged and bored?

4. Take a Hike

You know what? I’ll just be in the car.

I like to think of hiking, to turn a phrase about golfing sideways, as “a good walk soiled.” Our friends at Travel + Leisure (actually, I do not know anyone there) compiled this list of a dozen of the “World’s Scariest Hikes.” No. 4, the Mount Huashan Trail in China, will blow your mind better than Paul Carr ever could.

5. Oh, Boy!

Seriously, though, how lucky is Linklater that Coltrane didn’t die, like, 6 years into filming? Though I suppose Coltrane is even more fortunate.

Get ready for the film hit of the summer, if not the year. Richard Linklater, the Texas-based cinema auteur behind Slacker, Dazed and Confused and the Before Sunrise trilogy, may just have released his masterpiece: Boyhood. The film, starring Ethan Hawke and Patricia Arquette as the parents and Ellar Coltrane as  Mason, their son, was shot over a 12-year period and, as the title suggests, examines his childhood and adolescence.

The critics are like, more obsessed with it than Randall “Pink” Floyd was with hanging out with his friends and scoring Aerosmith tickets. I’m sure Roger Ebert would have thumb-upped it, which is somewhat funny since a movie about Ebert’s own life, Life Itself, is also currently in limited release and garnering nearly as gushing reviews. But not as gushing.

Boyhood, not to be confused with Boyz ‘n the Hood –but why would you?– is the highest-rated film this year on Metacritic.com (99)  and did even better at Rotten Tomatoes, scoring a perfect 100%. Every reviewer I’ve come across absolutely is in absolute thrall with this film –it’s the ultimate coming-of-age film that actually is made in real time. How do you top that?

Where in the World?

Yesterday: Norilsk, Russia, the world’s northernmost city (69 degrees 20) of more than 100,000 residents

Hint: A favorite of both The Sports Guy and Men in Blazers

Loyal friend, gifted pundit and Weird Al wannabe GREG AUMAN offers this salute to the 2014 World Cup, Barry Manilow, and the strip of sand that brought them together….

Copa Bananas

–Lyrics by Greg Auman, with a little help from the dude who wrote Mandy (and in case you need a refresher)

His name was Juergen
He was a savior
He started circling the dates
And leaving Landon in the States
He was a realist
Said we won’t win this
Still they thronged into Grant Park
Saw Jozy hobbled from the start
The fans would hold their breath
All hooked on soccer meth
With the Americans advancing from the Group of Death

At the Copa
Copa Bananas
The strongest, the fittest, the tannest
There at the Copa
Copa Bananas
Joyous eruption
And FIFA corruption
At the Copa

We fell in love …

His name was Suarez
He was a striker
And in a lapse of sanity
He got a taste of Italy
He wasn’t carded
Despite his history
And though he held his mouth in pain
The victim’s evidence was plain
He drew a four-month ban
The World Cup dental plan
But in his own defense the coach had said to mark his man

At the Copa
Copa Bananas
Devouring the world
Like piranhas
There at the Copa
Copa Bananas
Yellows unending
And #flopping was trending
At the Copa

He headed home … 

(interlude)

His name was MÜLLER
He was a scorer
And in the semis with Brazil
The Germans had them seven-nil
His name was Messi
Argentine captain
And though the match went on for days
Albiceleste won it in PKs
The final’s coming soon
It’s been a ratings boon
And the next thing you know Tim Howard’s got his own cartoon.

At the Copa
Copa Bananas
The final awaits Maracana
There at the Copa
Copa Bananas
Limited scoring
But don’t call it boring
At the Copa…

STARTING FIVE

Jose Altuve, who at 5’5″ may be shorter than his bat, already has 127 hits with another series to go before the All-Star break

1. Get the ‘L’ Out of Here

No more Lastros. Houston not only won last not, not only beat “I Just Cant’ Stop Loving Yu” Darvish, but also completed a three-game sweep of their Texas neighbors, the Rangers, in Arlington, to move out out of the cellar (Ratt reference!). The Astros, now 38-53, had not been out out last place in the AL Central West, after mid-April, since joining the American League at the outset of last season. As Twitter follower James Baker tells me, after 73 games rookie George Springer has one less HR (18) than Yasiel Puig did all of last season in 104 games. And Jose Altuve leads the A.L. in hitting at .339 Oh, and by the way, the Lastros lead the league in Sports Illustrated covers this season with two. Also, the last three teams to grace the cover of SI –Chicago, Houston and Colorado– have suffered six (and running), seven and eight game losing streaks immediately afterward, respectively.

2. He Saw It (Second) Coming

Christ the Redeemer, the Touchdown Jesus of the southern hemisphere, with Maracana in the background.

Argentina is through…Pope Francis, the 267th pope, claims it as his native land. Germany is through…Pope Benedict XVI, the 266th pope, claims it as his native land. So, yes, Men in Blazers, it’s the “World Cup of Popes.” The World Cup final will be played in the shadow of the largest statue of Jesus Christ in the world –don’t come at me with that weak-ass Christ the King statue in Poland s&$*. That latter statue is only “taller” due to its base. You don’t count platform shoes for your official height. There needs to be some friendly papal wager for this game. I’d offer some suggestions, but I still have a very narrow shot (based on Phyllis’ recommendation letters) for a post-mortem interview with St. Peter, so I’ll refrain.

Christ the King statue, in Swiebodzin, Poland. Apparently, Jesus had Nordic ancestry.

By the way, you may know that Peter was the first pope. Do you know the name of the second? Answer after No. 5

3. I Do Not See Platinum Blond

This was German midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger at his first World Cup in 2006, in Germany. He looks ready to both mark Zinedane Zidane or crush “White Wedding.”

Schweinsteiger rose to prominence at the 2006 World Cup, which was held in his native Deutschland

And this is Bastian Schweinsteiger now. Slightly less Aryan. Which, by the way, is not an adjective defined as “anything related to Ned and Catelyn’s Stark’s kickass younger daughter.”

And here he was on Tuesday

By the way, it’s not only the World Cup of Popes, it’s the World Cup of SI swimsuit cover models. Heidi Klum has graced the cover once, while Yamila Diaz-Rahi has done so twice.

Klum trolled Brazil –and Gisele–with this pic she posted on Twitter Tuesday.

And here’s Diaz-Rahi, whose parents are of Lebanese and Spanish descent…

At five-foot-seven, Diaz-Rahi is at least as tall as Lionel Messi

4. Loaded Category

Instead of balloting, Tyrion Lannister is proposing “Emmy by Combat”

Let me put it this way: If LeBron James were an actor trying to decide between taking a role in a comedy or a drama, pundits would advise him to go Comedy because the other field is too loaded with talent and he’d never get out of the Emmy nominations. Check out the field for Best Drama, which was announced earlier this morning: Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, True Detective, House of Cards and Downton Abbey. Something to consider: Not a single one of those shows originated on TNT, so you can no longer claim that you “know drama.” Also, none of those shows were spawned from a major network. I have people tell me that House of Cards is the best in this field. I’ve never seen it, so I’m in no position to judge, but WOW. Those first four for me, each one is more deserving of an Emmy than the next. To think that one of them will not win–much less three–and that Modern Family may win again (though Veep should) is a shame. Personally, I’d vote True Detective, but only because you can only choose one. I think the Emmy voters will salute Breaking Bad this year as it will Mad Men the next (as they take their final respective bows) and they’ll tell Marty and Rust that “time is a flat circle, so maybe you’ve already won.”

5. They Had It Coming

And sometimes the pig eats you

If I’m ever appointed Czar of ESPN —Nate Silver gives me a 0.7% chance, but that’s the same chance he gave Germany of scoring seven goals versus Brazil, so I’ll take it– the first thing I do is take the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest off the air (yes, even before Chris Berman). It’s gross, and it’s an insult to animals and the gift of life itself. Why not just have a contest to see who can piss for the longest uninterrupted time interval (I imagine it’s been proposed)? Anyway, Walter Eagle Tail, of South Dakota, died via choking at a hot-dog eating contest in Custer, South Dakota, on the 4th of July. And while I’m sorry for Walter and his family, I’m sorta not sorry for the stupid sport itself. I hope it dies a quicker death than Mr. Eagle Tail, who apparently bit off more than he could chew. In other Darwin Awards nominee news, Bill Hillman, who wrote a chapter of “How To Survive Running with the Bulls”, was gored in the thigh by a bull in Pamplona earlier this week. The bull came within a center of striking the femoral artery. Better luck next time, Bos. I’ll be rooting for you.   Papal answer: Linus

Where in the World?

Yesterday: Jacob’s Ladder on the island of St. Helena, a 699-step staircase that may be the longest straight set of steps in the world.

Hint: This is NOT a city in Michigan.