STARTING FIVE

The future, one filled with velour long-sleeved shirts, is indeed terriftying.

1.A Bot Face

Amazon has drones. Google has robots. Conan O’Brien has Pimpbot 5000. Alabama has Nick Saban. The Matrix is real.

Remember when you were in high school and you’d be required to read futuristic dystopian novels (“Where are the great futuristic utopian novels,” you’d ask) such as “1984” or “Brave New World” or “The Hunger Games?” (Yes, we were in high school for 30 years).

Aren’t we already there? Drone strikes have made Pete Mitchell, a.k.a. Maverick, a.k.a. Jerry Maguire, nearly obsolete. You can check out of most grocery stores without the use of a clerk. Same with checking in at airports and banking. By eliminating costly overhead (i.e., human salaries), corporations make themselves more efficient, that is, more profitable, which is good news for the men at the top, as the stock price soars.

It’s just like when they invented the cotton gin! Wait, what?

Anyway, if someone asks you in a few years if you’d prefer the blue pill, just say no and return to watching “Real Housewives of Eden Prairie” as you wait for your chicken-tender-stuffed pizza to arrive and you pay the delivery ‘bot in BitCoins.

2. A Rock-Solid Class

The list of inductees for this year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame may not include Journey, but what a festival this would have been if you could have ever gotten them together. Not a weak link in the group. Ranking them in my personal preference, and your mileage may vary:

Nirvana….How many people in this world can say that they’ve had conversations with both Kurt Cobain and Richard Deitsch? I count myself as Zelig-esque.

Classic Tune: “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Found Gem: “All Apologies” (From MTV’s Unplugged)

Cat Stevens….Much more than Harold and Maude, but it’s a terrific start.

Classic Tune: “Moonshadow”

Found Gem: “Father and Son”

Peter Gabriel…When you’re in a band with Phil Collins and YOU are the one who gets to sing lead, you must be pretty good.”

Classic Tune: “In Your Eyes”, “Solsbury Hill”

Found Gem: “Biko”

KISS….. In the mid-1970s in New York City, everyone wondered what both “The Son of Sam” and the four members of KISS actually looked like. If I were to go back and tabulate the number of man-hours I devoted to sketching the KISS logo on the back of my notebooks –and that’s just while I was covering college football games– it would be depressing…I have to ask: When they were banging groupies backstage after the show, did they keep the makeup on? I say they did. It would’ve spoiled the effect for the ladies. Maybe Gene will answer this question during the induction speech?

Classic Tune: “Rock and Roll All Night”

Found Gem: “Shout It Out Loud” (<– My older brother was at this show; I think that’s him “wooo!” -ing. Lucky bastard.)

Hall and Oates….Famous for having people ask, “Which one’s Hall and which one’s Oates?”

Classic Tune: “Sara Smile”

Found Gem: “Kiss On My List”

Linda Ronstadt…..Famous for having dated Ryan Reynolds. I kid, but Tucson’s own had one of the blow-your-hair-back POWERFUL female voices in rock history (Taylor Swift would so totally bake you banana nut bread for a voice as potent as this). Even if she always felt a little bit more country.

Classic Tune: “When Will I Be Loved”

Found Gem: “I Can’t Let Go” (cover of The Hollies’ classic)

3. ‘boys Don’t Cry

Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Dez Bryant leaves the field prematurely (and, for that matter, immaturely) with a minute or so remaining in Cowboys’ new-standard-set-of-gut-punch-worthy come-from-ahead 37-36 loss to the Green Bay Packers.

So, yes, Dez had an outstanding game with 11 receptions. And, yes, he is a passionate player. For that you can laud him. Go ahead, laud. Laud, laud, laud.

The interesting thing about these episodes is that how we react reveals so much more about us than it does about Dez. So, yes, these are authentic, American “First Take” moments. My feeling, as someone who played on Pop Warner and high school football teams because I was not raised by Jeff Pearlman: more than anything else, Bryant is seeking attention –even if he may not realize that’s what he is subconsciously doing.

Selfish? Of course. Calculated? No.

Still, notice how Bryant is seeming unable to control his emotions and his impulses, and yet he’s lucid enough to recognize when it’s permissible, from a “Will I play another down?” standpoint, to make his exit. He knows when it’s safe to leave, so it’s not as if he is acting purely on emotion. He’s being a diva, and the reasons for that probably extend back far before he ever wore a helmet with a star on it and it’s above my ken to discern. But it’s not serving him well with his teammates. You win together, and you lose together. The individual is never greater than the team. That’s basic second-day-of-boot-camp common sense.

4. You Can’t Handle The Truth

Luttrell

I’ve found myself fascinated by “Lone Survivor” and, don’t worry, G.A., I won’t give away the spoilers here. But watch this interview that involves Tina Brown, the book’s titular character (and author), Marcus Luttrell, director Peter Berg and actor Taylor Kitsch (who actually plays Luttrell’s best friend in the film, Mike Murphy). You can feel the tension between Luttrell, who makes no attempt in his book to disguise his enmity toward the media, right from the beginning. But skip ahead to about the 13:30 mark, where Luttrell’s contempt for both the media and the left come to the fore and he pounces on Brown’s sheltered ideology.

And coming from a soldier who… oh, damn, I don’t want to spoil anything, who is Tina Brown or anyone to debate Luttrell on this matter? She’s wise enough not to challenge him.

It’s basically the Colonel Jesup monologue from “A Few Good Men”, but it may be better because it’s delivered by an actual soldier who served.

To catch you up to speed (okay, G.A., so this is somewhat of a spoiler alert), the turning point of the story is when Luttrell’s four-man SEAL team is happened upon by three goat herders. Should they kill these unarmed “non-combatants”, although even then their mission may be compromised, since the village may soon wonder where these men and their flock are? Or do they release them, putting themselves at risk should the tribesmen share the news of their presence? Their radio isn’t working, so a quick escape from a compromised mission is not possible. With that set-up, go listen to the interview.

5. Snow Place Like Home

College football’s longest win streak…a game played in a driving snow storm…and four lead changes in the fourth quarter. All of it added up to a game that surpassed the Army-Navy contest that was being shown on CBS at about he same time. Mount Union, which had entered the Division III semi-final versus North Central State with 28 straight wins and 77 consecutive victories at home, led comfortably in the third quarter, 27-16, especially considering the conditions.

However, North Central State scored three times to take a 34-27 lead.

Then Mount Union scored and converted for two to go up 35-34. Then NC State re-took the lead with less than two minutes to play. And finally Mount Union won on a 26-yard touchdown pass. Final score: 41-40. Was it Kick Six? No, but nobody who was there will forget it.

Mount Union will play Wisconsin-Whitewater on Friday night for the Division III national championship. It will mark the eighth time in the last nine years that these two schools have met in the championship game at that level.

Reserves

The Onion will go digital and The Saturday Evening Post will begin featuring people of color on its covers.

The Onion announces that it will go digital-only as only The Onion can.

***

Jameis Winston does the “Top 10 List” on Letterman. It’s about things you overhear in the huddle which, I’m sad to say, is as outdated as Letterman is fast becoming.

I just realized I locked my keys in the car. Damnit!

I happened upon this trailer for “Days Of My Youth” and thought, Will someone make sure that whoever wins tonight’s MegaMillions drawing sees this?

****

The Knicks lost at home again last night, 102-101, when point guard Beno Udrih (who took over for an injured Pablo Prigioni…and all you need to know about how bad the Knicks’ season is going is that a 36 year-old rookie point guard from Argentina has been its lone bright spot) missed a free throw, then allowed Bradley Veal to drive past him for an uncontested layup –Udrih was expecting help but these are the dumb/selfish Knicks, so that wasn’t happening –followed by CarMElo nonchalantly dribbling the ball upcourt and tossing up a three-pointer that had no prayer instead of calling a timeout.

If I’m the Knicks I’m scouring the D-League for an Ivy League point guard this morning. This is not just a bad team, it’s a sullen and disjointed team. It’s exactly the team you get when you choose to build around CarMElo. The Knicks are now 7-17.

Remote Patrol

UC Irvine at Oregon

Pac-12 Network 10:30 p.m.

Mamadou, to quote Bono, has to be believed to be seen.

Why tune in? Because the Ducks are 9-0, one of 14 remaining unbeaten programs in D-I, and because the Anteaters boast my man Mamadou Ndiaye, the seven-foot-six freshman who will get a taste of the most polished competition –and most intense fans –he has yet seen. It’s

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STARTING FIVE

McConaughey to Austin? Hell, son, he already lives there.

1. From Mack to Mac?

Mack Brown is, after 16 often outstanding seasons, out at Texas. But that’s literally and figuratively yesterday’s news. Who should replace him?
How about a Texan?

How about someone with a charismatic personality who’s good with the media?
How about someone with previous college coaching experience (see above) who can deliver a tears-to-your-eyes pre-game speech?
Texas Tech has a coach who looks like Ryan Gosling? So what, the Longhorns could have a coach who looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey –and you can bet your ass he will roam the sideline shirtless.

“Fourth-and-seven? Oh, really? Well, I’m just gonna stand here for a few minutes and demoralize Coach Stoops with my awesome pecs.”

And, man, can he recruit. You may think McConaughey doesn’t take football seriously enough based on the closing scene from “Dazed & Confused“: “You gotta do what Randall “Pink” Floyd wants to do…You just gotta keep livin’, man: L-I-V-I-N.” Then again,  look at it this way: Wooderson landed Randall “Pink” Floyd (to drive to Houston to buy Aerosmith tickets) that morning and Coach Conrad did not.

Alright?
Alright, alright.

As for the 62 year-old Brown? He will coach again. He is only two months older than Nick Saban, after all. Where should he go? Perhaps to a conference in the Midwest that could use some big-time coaching flash. Can you say, “MACK-tion?”

2. Leading Man

O’Toole actually served two years in the Royal Navy before taking the role of a British military hero.

British actor Peter O’Toole, a true heavyweight, passes from our midst at the age of 81.

If you have never seen Lawrence of Arabia, make a point to watch it this week. The 1962 David Lean production is a true epic, one of the most visually arresting films ever made and in every scene that he appears, the golden-haired, sparkle-eyed O’Toole upstages the wondrous desert scenery. This is a man about whom, in every scene you watch him, you will say, “Well, of course he should be a movie star. Any other profession would have been a tremendous waste.”

After seeing the film, British playwright Noel Coward quipped to O’Toole, “If you’d been any prettier, it would have been “Florence of Arabia.'” By the way, the six-foot-two O’Toole was playing a man, T.E. Lawrence, who in real life stood five-foot-four. The film took two years to make.

See “My Favorite Year”, too, if you can. A tremendous and often-overlooked comedy.

“I’m not an actor; I’m a movie star!”

Lawrence of Arabia won seven Oscars, but O’Toole lost for Best Actor to Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird. O’Toole would go on to be nominated for eight Oscars without winning one, which is a record for Oscar bridesmaidery.

You cannot discuss O’Toole, however, without mentioning his ardor for the debauched evening…and morning after. He and best friend Richard Harris were the Glimmer Twins of British cinema in the Sixties and Seventies. O’Toole’s exploits in that era would have put Austin Powers to shame.

Here he is, long after having established his hell-raising reputation, making a memorable entrance on “Letterman.” Stay tuned until he offers his camel a beverage.

O’Toole’s father was Irish and his mother was Scottish. So of course he is claimed as “British.”

3. Dieseled

Football Physics

If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if you or I took on an NFL running back with a head of steam, Washington’s Josh Wilson provided a glimpse of that yesterday. Wilson, five-foot-ten and 188 pounds, dared to take on Atlanta’s stallion of a running back, Stephen Jackson, at the goal line yesterday and got knocked straight to Wednesday. You have to admire Wilson for even daring to challenge the six-foot-two, 230-pound coil of muscle that Jackson is, but that didn’t end well.

4. Peyton’s Place? The Cover of SI

Manning has won one less postseason game as a Bronco QB than Tim Tebow.

On the day that l’il brother Eli throws five interceptions in a home shutout loss to the Seattle Seahawks (who may just be returning to Met Life Stadium in 48 days), Peyton Manning is named Sports Illustrated’s “Sportsman of the Year.” It is a highly defensible, albeit safe, choice. Manning does lead the NFL with 47 touchdown passes –Eli leads in INTs with 25– and will certainly shatter Tom Brady’s record of 50 in a season that the New England quarterback set in 2007. Manning is also, two years removed from a neck surgery that many thought would augur his decline, enjoying a career renaissance, the best season he or perhaps any quarterback has ever had.

Manning is also a cool guy, a fun guy and a smart guy. You could almost present him with the honor simply for this video (even if the people who made this owe Bret and Jermaine royalties), and that’s before you even watch ESPN’s hagiography, “The Book of Manning.”

So, difficult to quibble with the choice, although that never stops anyone –including me. If SI had not presented the Boston Red Sox with this very honor in 2004 –and deservedly so — the story line of Boston Strong (plus the fact that a few top editors have Boston roots) would have made them an intoxicating, if not obvious, choice. I’ll always wonder, had the Tide held on to beat Auburn, if Alabama would have been handed the honor. And then there’s my favorite, Spanish tennis master Rafael Nadal, who went 75-7 on the ATP Tour in 2013 after returning from an injury and winning two of the three Grand Slams he entered. Besides, Rafi is humble and one of the best ambassadors professional sport has these days. Maybe if he had just lasted longer than the first round at Wimbledon….

Rafi…

Two final thoughts: In a year in which a player named Peyton quarterbacked his team to a major championship (Peyton Siva, Louisville Cardinals’, NCAA men’s basketball), it was a Peyton who did not who garnered this honor.

Also, writer Lee Jenkins opens with the angle on how popular the name “Peyton” has become since the advent of Manning’s rise, beginning at Tennessee. And while you cannot blame two writers for having the same thought, independently of one another, I imagine Michael Pointer of the Indianpolis Star, who penned this story two months earlier, is feeling a little dyspeptic this morning.

5. Season-Ending Crane-Hanger

This is still a better fate than what happened at the end of “Dexter.”

I’ll admit that I have never seen “Homeland”, but many of you have. And last night, for the Season 3 finale, they killed off Nicholas Brody, one of the show’s two main characters –the one not currently appearing on the cover of Glamour –by having him swing from a crane in Tehran.

Reserves

Notre Dame wins the national championship in (European) football with a 2-1 defeat of Maryland in the men’s College Cup final. Sure, but would the Fighting Irish have beat an SEC team? Doubt it.

***

The Dallas Cowboys blow a 26-3 halftime lead at home to the Green Bay Packers, who were playing Matt Flynn at quarterback, in a game that the How ‘Bout Them’s absolutely had to have. We’ve come to the end of the road on this one: Jerry Jones must fire Jerry Jones (and hire Mack Brown?).

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This is the Blazers coach. Can you name him?

The Portland Trail Blazers are 21-4, equaling their outstanding start in 1977-78 when they went on to a 50-10 record before losing MVP favorite Bill Walton to a season-ending injury from which the franchise still has not fully recovered. Until now. One of these weeks, just you watch, ESPN is even going to air a Trail Blazers game from the Rose City. Ten teams will play on Christmas Day, when television officially recognizes the start of the NBA season, and neither the Blazers nor the Indiana Pacers will be among them.

You can forgive TV execs for not thinking Portland would be THIS good. But you hope they find a way to get LeMarcus Aldridge and the gang some air time soon.

*Blazer coach is Terry Stotts. Looks a little bit like Peyton, no?

****

Bill Simmons and Malcolm Gladwell talk celebrity, true celebrity, and celebrity misdeeds, which leads to the creation of the “Woods Number.”

***
Jameis Winston wins the Heisman Trophy, remembers that his main talking point is “the process”, and now looks forward to winning the national championship on his 20th birthday. Reportedly, 32 voters left the precocious Seminole redshirt freshman off their ballots.

***

Prince Harry reaches the South Pole before reaching the altar. Are you surprised? Harry: “Did I miss the Metallica show?”

Remote Patrol

Home Alone

AMC 8 p.m.

Best suburban Chicago-youth-left-at-home-by-himself film: This, Ferris Bueller, or Risky Business? Discuss amongst yourselves.

Do you remember how absolutely huge, utterly Bieberian, Macauley Caulkin was after this movie appeared? And there’s Daniel Stern, whom you know better as the V/O for “The Wonder Years”, in the role as the comically inept heavy.

STARTING FIVE

The Don Draper of coaches lands in Storrs.

1. Enter The Diaco

Lost excerpt from the introductory press conference welcoming former Notre Dame defensive coordinator Bob Diaco as the new head coach at the University of Connecticut:

“We can no longer afford to lose the local prep talent in recruiting. We’re going to erect a fence around Norwich…around Waterbury…around, not just Hartford, but East Hartford, too. We’re not going to lose out on that two-star from Rhode Island. We’re going to descend on Cape Cod, from Provincetown to Brewster, like we just stepped off the Mayflower and we are going to OWN that peninsula. New Hampshire? Forget about it. We won’t let a kid from Keane get away to Syracuse. Vermont? They’ll see me so often in that state that they’ll start referring to it as ‘Bob & Jerry’s.’ Maine? Maine! From Presque Isle to Portland, I will devour more bisque than any single human ever has if it means landing a lineman we desperately need.

“And now that I’m here, the Huskies and their long-time geographic rivals, the Tulsas, the SMUs, the Tulanes, you are going to see what New England FBS football is really all about! Just jump on the I-84, fuel up at Dunkin’ Donuts or Friendly’s, and take a road trip to support us. We are N–um, UConn!

2. Pride of the Ex-Yankee

The New York Yankees have the all-time leader in saves and are the all-time leaders in shaves. The Yanks do not permit facial hair on their players, which partially explains why so few country & western performers have ever played for them. So of course Robinson Cano, who left the Bronx for Seattle last week, shows up in his first photograph as a Mariner sporting a close-cropped beard. Well-played, Cano.

That part of it, at least. However, at some point next season Robinson Cano, nine-year veteran, five-time All-Star and certainly the best position player on the Yankees the past four seasons, is going to realize that he made a terrible mistake. That he allowed pride, and Jay-Z, to lead him nearly 3,000 miles astray.

Safeco is beautiful. True. It’s also almost a 2-hour flight to the next-closest ballpark. At least five AL stadia are closer to Yankee Stadium.

Cano is going to realize this as he plays in games that do not matter, in front of paltry crowds the likes of which he never encountered with the Yankees. As he realizes that there’s no place with the night-life (which he loves) of New York City, except perhaps Miami, which is, last time we checked, not all that close to Seattle, either. He’s going to realize that the difference in what the Mariners are paying him and what the Yankees would pay him is basically “F-You” money. It’s deciding whether you want a fresco of yourself as a minotaur painted on the ceiling above your bed or if you want the bottom of your pool to have a diamond-encrusted Mariner logo? It’s a wash.

The Yankees will miss Robinson Cano. But look at the St. Louis Cardinals. What happened to them after they allowed a man who was seen as the best player in the world at the time go West for a $200 million-plus salary? What happened to the Cardinals? And what became of Albert Pujols?

As the years drain from the ledger, the Yankees will miss Cano. But not as much as he will miss them. He was always going to be wealthy. He had that rare opportunity to become a baseball immortal, to perhaps join the sextet of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jeter and Rivera. He chose the money. He let Jay-Z get in his ear and tell him that the Yanks were dissing him, all the while failing to realize that no one benefits more from a player taking the maximum salary than his agent who gets a percentage. When Shawn Carter and the Missus relocate year-round to the Puget Sound, I’ll believe he had Cano’s best interests in mind. Meanwhile, I’ll just sit back and listen to “Empire State of Mind” and think about how they played the Yankees’ best player.

3. Argo (Bleep) Yourself — Again

Robert Levinson:DEFINITELY not properly groomed to play for the Yankees.

A former DEA and FBI agent who has been held in Iran for years, Robert Levinson, is finally outed as a CIA operative. A Canadian film crew has been dispatched to Teheran.

4. If You Had MacGruber In One of Year’s Best Films, Take a Bow

Bruce Dern and Will Forte.

The American Film Institute has released its “10 Best Films of 2013” list , a Ron Burgundy-free compendium of movies that includes “Nebraska”, starring Bruce Dern and Will Forte. Every story you read about the former SNL comic takes the same angle: “Can you believe you went from starring in ‘MacGruber’ to a possible Best Supporting Actor nod?” It’s as if everyone is writing the David Arquette story 10 years ago and asking, “What is Courteney Cox doing with you????

“Making life-saving inventions out of household materials…MacGruber!”

5. Killing White Christmas

Megyn Kelly: Definitely white.

A debate breaks out on Fox News about whether it’s fair to children of all races that Santa Claus is white. Host Megyn Kelly, Fox’s answer to Rachel Maddow (and that answer is, “Completely the OPPOSITE!”), quashes the discussion and then says, “And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa Claus is white.”

I’m not half as concerned whether or not children should believe Santa is white or black, I’m more concerned that there may be small children watching Fox News. Doesn’t anyone watch Bugs Bunny any more?

Of course, from there everything spiraled downward. Kelly went on to note that Jesus was white. And that perked up Jon Stewart’s antennae. And then Kelly was an absentee on her own primetime show last night. She’ll return this evening. This might be worth watching.

STARTING FIVE

Jack should get two scholarships for each side of the ball on which he starts.

1. Red Grange Award

The Home Depot College Football Awards show airs tonight on ESPN at 7 p.m. This is where they’ll bequeath (there shall be lots of bequeathing) every major award shy of the Heisman:

Chuck Bednarik Award (Defensive Player), Fred Biletnikoff (Wide Receiver), Lou Groza (Kicker), Ray Guy (Punter and Least Syllables in a Full Name), Davey O’Brien (Quarterback), Danny O’Brien (Quarterback who transfers from Maryland to Wisconsin and is Unspectacular at Both Schools), Maxwell Award (Outstanding Player), Cornbread Maxwell Award (Best Nickname), Outland Trophy (Outstanding Interior Lineman), Inland Trophy (Outstanding Interior Lineman in a Land-Locked State) Jim Thorpe (Defensive Back), Doak Walker (Running Back…Although Doak is the Second-Best College RB Ever Named Walker, So Maybe It Should Go to the 2nd-Best RB?), Doak Campbell (Best Stadium), John Mackey,  (Tight End), John McKay (Funniest Coach) and Rimington (Best Center).

That’s a slew of awards. Or, if you’re hungry, a slaw of awards. Or, if you love the ponies, a Seattle Slew….

What. Ever.

Anyway, WHO votes on all of these awards? Wouldn’t you like to know? The 14-man committee who votes on the Mackey, for example, includes some men whose lives revolve around the sport (e.g., my friend Bruce Feldman) but also Adam Schefter, who presumably watches college football while recharging his 17 cell phones.

The Groza Award is presented courtesy of the Palm Beach County Sports Commission. Certainly, they want to get it right, but it’s not as if they have any more or less authority to hand out an award than say, the Harper Valley PTA.

There is still no college football award for best returner (Chris Davis Award?)

So, as you know, I created my own award, the Red Grange Award, named in honor of the college football player “who most electrified his sport in that given year.” And thus, I don’t have to pander to statistics, or a player’s career record as a starting quarterback or whether or not his team is playing for the national championship. My overriding criterion is this: The Wow! factor.

Last year Johnny Manziel was the deserving winner of our inaugural Grange Award and he then set a precedent for celebrating that I’m not sure anyone will ever top. This year’s winner? UCLA true freshman Myles Jack, who was a stud on defense for the resurgent Bruins and, when moonlighting at running back, quickly established himself as one of the nation’s premier rushers. The kid can do it all, and he does it with a charismatic smile. Over the last month of the season, there was no single player more worth tuning into a game to see than Mr. Jack. Congratulations!

2. Jolly Saint Nick

“People who live in glass trophies…”

Those of us debating whether or not Alabama coach Nick Saban A) should and/or B) will depart Tuscaloosa for Austin to succeed Mack Brown as the head football coach at Texas (even though Brown has yet to resign) should know that the decision will not come down to money, or what Miss Terry says, or facilities, or the chance to host his own competitive singing show on The Longhorn Network, or whether or not Saban is more likely to win another glass ball with the Burnt Orange or the Crimson Tide.

It all comes down to the Alpha Male Gene (and I have no idea if David Epstein discusses this in his book since I haven’t read it yet). Saban is an Alpha Male. Once he conquers one area, establishes his dominance in one region, he becomes restless. Happy? That’s not a relevant adjective. Nor is “satisfied.” It’s why Douglas MacArthur wanted to keep taking islands in the Pacific, why American settlers never said, “You know, St. Louis is fine. Let’s just stop here.”

Saban, who has coached at Michigan State, LSU, the Miami Dolphins and Alabama all in the past 15 years, will perpetually have that itch. Whether or not he scratches it, well, that may be a result of external forcers such as Miss Terry, etc. But inside, he’s thrilled that Texas covets him. And he has a hankering to see if he could win a national championship at yet another school.

Leave Tuscaloosa? Fraulein Maria gets it.

You know, it’s just like Carrie Underwood always says: “Climb every mountain/Ford every stream/Follow every rainbow/Til you find your dream.”

The irony here? There is no more Alpha Male creature than a bull. And yet a steer, Texas’ mascot, is just a bull that’s been neutered.

3. “August: O-SAHHHHJJJ County”

Aziz Ansari provides the percolation at the Golden Globes nominations.

Simply by mispronouncing, intentionally, the title of a nominated film (“August: Osage County”, or as I like to call it, “The Family Stone in Summer Time”), Aziz Ansari provided the most memorable moment of this morning’s Golden Globes nominee announcements.

Other takeaways: “Breaking Bad” is gonna win A LOT of awards next month, and if your movie was released before Labor Day, it was crap. Or at least the Hollywood Foreign Press thinks so. All 10 nominated “Best Films”, five in Comedy/Musical and five in Drama, were released after September 1st.

It’s going to come down to “American Hustle” versus “12 Years a Slave” for Best Picture when the Oscars roll around. Here, they won’t compete head-to-head.

Me, I was just relieved that none of the three announcers this morning were Ron Burgundy in character. And no, “Anchorman 2” was not nominated.

Although the two films find themselves in separate categories here, I think it’ll come down between “12 Years a Slave” and “American Hustle” for Best Picture at the Oscars. If Hollywood ever creates a film that combines the Mob and/or government corruption, slavery and/or the Holocaust, and a sympathetic lead character who is either developmentally challenged or has a speech impediment, that will be Oscar gold.

4. Chambers of Horror

Most damning: Officers discovered cans of Michelob Ultra Light in Chambers vehicle.

Tom Chambers, erstwhile NBA All-Star living the good life as a pre-game, halftime and post-game analysts for Phoenix Suns broadcasts for Fox Sports Arizona, was arrested last night for DUI. I like Chambers and, paired with host Tom Leander (the point guard at Brophy College Prep during Mark Alarie’s Player of the Year season in 1982), the two form an amicable and knowledgeable broadcast backcourt.

Whether that will change after this arrest, we’ll see. However, there is precedent, and it hits VERY CLOSE to home: Mark Grace, who earlier this year was arrested for DUI in Scottsdale and was summarily fired as an Arizona Diamondbacks analyst. Grace actually served four months in Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s notorious Tent City as his punishment.

It’s strange. I was actually out last Sunday night with a local Phoenix sportscaster, a great guy, in the Valley of the Sun. He made a point about having only one beer because, as he said, “I don’t need to see my face on the front page of the Arizona Republic tomorrow.”

That’s all it takes.

5. Snow Day

And everyone received a steaming mug of hot cocoa at halftime.

There are two types of people on this planet: Folks who see the photo above and smile and folks who see it and write cranky essays decrying the hubris of Mother Nature for inflicting her mercurial temperament on the sacred game of football.

Seriously? I doubt anyone wants 16 games of this, but who can’t appreciate that vestigial tug of youth when you watch an NFL snow football contest? Why would anyone want to vacuum-seal football, much less life? The elements are part of the deal, and why not accept them instead of deny their existence? Or are you the guy who’s never going to die, because that would simply be inconvenient.

Please turn your hymnals to this brilliant piece of prose by Steve Rushin (which Pat Forde tweeted as a reminder to us all last week).

(I also did this just to illustrate how superior a writer Rushin is to Skip Bayless, and that I’d actually watch an ESPN gabfest show that let Steve’s thoughts run wild. Granted, Steve is superior to all of us.)

 Reserves

Hair today, gone tomorrow. Connecticut hires Notre Dame defensive coordinator Bob Diaco as its head football coach, (Diaconn?), instantly relegating ESPN’s Steve Levy to the state’s second-best-looking Steve Levy look-alike. Diaco won the Frank Broyles Award last season as the nation’s best coordinator. That defense had three future first-or second-round draft picks (Manti Te’o, Louis Nix and Stephon Tuitt).

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So you wanna be a rock-and-roll star? Or better yet, a Navy SEAL? I’m reading “Lone Survivor” by former SEAL Marcus Luttrell, and the book provides a detailed account of SEAL training in Coronado, Calif. This puny entry won’t do justice to the sleep deprivation, near-hypothermia, relentless push-ups and overall pressure a SEAL candidate endures, but here’s the baseline PT required to advance beyond the initial stage. In case you’re interested in giving it a go:

Part of SEAL training…

1. 500-yard swim in 12:30

2. 42 push-ups in 2 minutes

3. 50 sit-ups in 2 minutes

4. Six dead-hang pull-ups

5. A 1.5-mile run in 11:30

Honestly, those are all doable. And yet, as Luttrell writes in his book, his class of 164 candidates was whittled down to 32 after about six weeks. As Luttrell writes, “It’s more difficult to get into the Navy SEALs than it is to get into Harvard Law School. Different, but more difficult.”

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Tomorrow, all members of the Hollywood Foreign Press will receive invites to a royal wedding.

Just realizing that neither “Mad Men” nor “Game of Thrones” received a single Golden Globes nod. Nor did “The Newsroom” or “Walking Dead.” You can justify the latter two –although Jeff Daniels is phenomenal as Will McAvoy, like him or not –but how do you shut out “Game of Thrones.” As that red-headed female Wilding whose name escapes me a the moment famously said, “You know nothing, Jon Snow!”

Remote Patrol

Home Depot College Football Awards

ESPN 7 p.m.

Pitt DT Aaron Donald will win more awards this postseason than any other individual player.

Last year Manti Te’o won two awards on this night and neither was for Best Actor. (Ba-dump!). The big surprise this evening, from an August point of view, is that neither Jadeveon Clowney nor Johnny Manziel will hear his name called.

STARTING FIVE

Who will lead me?

1. Austin Powers Truggle

Mack Brown, most renowned for leading the Longhorns to a national championship in 2005 and for his cameo role in the pilot episode of “Friday Night Lights”, is most likely out at Texas. It was a good run for Brown, who won 158 games in 16 seasons. But in the past four years four FBS programs within the Lone Star State have compiled better records than Texas.

Austin is a Top 5 (Top 1?) college town. South by Southwest, Austin City Limits, etc.

Among FBS programs, only Michigan (910) has won more games than the Longhorns, who are tied with Notre Dame for second place at 873.

Only the Wolverines and the Irish, tied at No. 1 at .773, Oklahoma (.719) and Ohio State (.717), have a better winning percentage than Texas’ .716.

Brown to resign by week’s end? I’m at DeLoss for words.

None of the aforementioned towns have superior barbecue.

Oh, and you may have heard, but there are quite a few people with money in Texas. Many of whom graduated from that university in Austin, which happens to be the state capital.

With or without Saint Nick, the Longhorns will be just fine. It’s a Top 5 coaching destination.

2. “O” My Goodness

Ovechkin has scored four goals in one game three times in his career.

On the off chance that frozen pond fanatic William Hubbell is reading this blog, we should mention that Alex Ovechkin, arguably world’s most gifted hockey player, scored four goals last night in a come-from-behind shootout win for the Washington Caps against the Tampa Bay Lightning. The three-time Hart Trophy recipient did not begin his scoring spree until the Caps trailed 3-0, in the first period. He scored one goal in the first period, two in the second and one in the third.

Joe Malone. Not to be confused with “Joe Malone 2: Lost in New York.”

NHL record for most goals in one game? Seven, which belongs to Joe Malone (which is one of my favorite Christmas films), who accomplished the feat on January 31, 1920…..Whaaaaaaaaaat?

3. Banquet Hall…of Fame

Whose idea was it to serve a nachos appetizer?

Dinner at Hogwarts? Not exactly. It’s the Nobel Prize banquet, which is held annually in Stockholm on December 10th, the date of Alfred Nobel’s death. Last night’s guest list was somewhat depleted by that other major event taking place down in South Africa where a former Nobel Peace Prize winner was being honored.

In case you were wondering, here’s the menu for last night’s banquet. And take a good look at that seating arrangement. God help the person in the middle who must heed the call of nature midway through dinner.

4. Metallantarctica

Enter night, exit light? Not exactly, as the sun shines in this part of Antarctica about 22 hours a day right now.

Off to Never Neverland, indeed. James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and the rest of Metallica played a 10-song set on the continent at the bottom of the earth this weekend to become the first band to play live gigs on all seven continents (I have broken wind on all seven continents, but doubt I was the first to do so).

The band played their gig inside a transparent weather-proof dome (Boo!) and had the noise transmitted to fans through headphones so as not to disrupt the fragile environment (Yay!). The fans, by the way, were scientists and contest winners.

5. Hombre Malo

Garcia, 30, is accused of taking part in 200 murders and, if this photo is any evidence, stealing at least one reflective road crew vest.

That’s Felipe Viveros Garcia, the face of Mexican lawlessness. Garcia has been arrested and charged with ordering and/or participating in the murders of some 200 people, among them kidnap victims, police officials and members of rival drug cartels.

More than 77,000 people have died from drug-related violence in Mexico the past seven years, which is a greater number than Americans who died in the Vietnam conflict.

Reserves

“Oh, you are SO in trouble when we get home, Barack.”

it placed people in the uncomfortable position of saying, “Yeah, I know he spent 27 years in prison because he fought for justice, but do I really want to stand outside in the rain to listen to a bunch of stuffed shirts give speeches?”

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Morris Code

Can one zygote earn an NBA All-Star berth? Individually, either Markieff Morris or Marcus Morris, identical twins who play for the Phoenix Suns, have little chance of gaining a spot on the Western Conference All-Star team, much less stardom. Neither forward even starts for the surprising Suns, who are now 12-9 after beating the Lakers at Staples last night.

Together, though, the third-year players out of Kansas average 24 points and 11 rebounds per contest. They’re the first two players off the bench and their games are remarkably similar. If not All-Star caliber, they should be favorites for a newly created trophy: “The Sixth/Seventh Man of the Year Award.”

*****

Time magazine names its Person of the Year. We pause, reflect, and then return to reading Huffington Post or The Daily Beast.

Pope Francis