STARTING FIVE

1. Enter The Diaco

Lost excerpt from the introductory press conference welcoming former Notre Dame defensive coordinator Bob Diaco as the new head coach at the University of Connecticut:

“We can no longer afford to lose the local prep talent in recruiting. We’re going to erect a fence around Norwich…around Waterbury…around, not just Hartford, but East Hartford, too. We’re not going to lose out on that two-star from Rhode Island. We’re going to descend on Cape Cod, from Provincetown to Brewster, like we just stepped off the Mayflower and we are going to OWN that peninsula. New Hampshire? Forget about it. We won’t let a kid from Keane get away to Syracuse. Vermont? They’ll see me so often in that state that they’ll start referring to it as ‘Bob & Jerry’s.’ Maine? Maine! From Presque Isle to Portland, I will devour more bisque than any single human ever has if it means landing a lineman we desperately need.

“And now that I’m here, the Huskies and their long-time geographic rivals, the Tulsas, the SMUs, the Tulanes, you are going to see what New England FBS football is really all about! Just jump on the I-84, fuel up at Dunkin’ Donuts or Friendly’s, and take a road trip to support us. We are N–um, UConn!

2. Pride of the Ex-Yankee

The New York Yankees have the all-time leader in saves and are the all-time leaders in shaves. The Yanks do not permit facial hair on their players, which partially explains why so few country & western performers have ever played for them. So of course Robinson Cano, who left the Bronx for Seattle last week, shows up in his first photograph as a Mariner sporting a close-cropped beard. Well-played, Cano.

That part of it, at least. However, at some point next season Robinson Cano, nine-year veteran, five-time All-Star and certainly the best position player on the Yankees the past four seasons, is going to realize that he made a terrible mistake. That he allowed pride, and Jay-Z, to lead him nearly 3,000 miles astray.

Cano is going to realize this as he plays in games that do not matter, in front of paltry crowds the likes of which he never encountered with the Yankees. As he realizes that there’s no place with the night-life (which he loves) of New York City, except perhaps Miami, which is, last time we checked, not all that close to Seattle, either. He’s going to realize that the difference in what the Mariners are paying him and what the Yankees would pay him is basically “F-You” money. It’s deciding whether you want a fresco of yourself as a minotaur painted on the ceiling above your bed or if you want the bottom of your pool to have a diamond-encrusted Mariner logo? It’s a wash.

The Yankees will miss Robinson Cano. But look at the St. Louis Cardinals. What happened to them after they allowed a man who was seen as the best player in the world at the time go West for a $200 million-plus salary? What happened to the Cardinals? And what became of Albert Pujols?

As the years drain from the ledger, the Yankees will miss Cano. But not as much as he will miss them. He was always going to be wealthy. He had that rare opportunity to become a baseball immortal, to perhaps join the sextet of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jeter and Rivera. He chose the money. He let Jay-Z get in his ear and tell him that the Yanks were dissing him, all the while failing to realize that no one benefits more from a player taking the maximum salary than his agent who gets a percentage. When Shawn Carter and the Missus relocate year-round to the Puget Sound, I’ll believe he had Cano’s best interests in mind. Meanwhile, I’ll just sit back and listen to “Empire State of Mind” and think about how they played the Yankees’ best player.

3. Argo (Bleep) Yourself — Again

A former DEA and FBI agent who has been held in Iran for years, Robert Levinson, is finally outed as a CIA operative. A Canadian film crew has been dispatched to Teheran.

4. If You Had MacGruber In One of Year’s Best Films, Take a Bow

The American Film Institute has released its “10 Best Films of 2013” list , a Ron Burgundy-free compendium of movies that includes “Nebraska”, starring Bruce Dern and Will Forte. Every story you read about the former SNL comic takes the same angle: “Can you believe you went from starring in ‘MacGruber’ to a possible Best Supporting Actor nod?” It’s as if everyone is writing the David Arquette story 10 years ago and asking, “What is Courteney Cox doing with you????

5. Killing White Christmas

A debate breaks out on Fox News about whether it’s fair to children of all races that Santa Claus is white. Host Megyn Kelly, Fox’s answer to Rachel Maddow (and that answer is, “Completely the OPPOSITE!”), quashes the discussion and then says, “And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa Claus is white.”

I’m not half as concerned whether or not children should believe Santa is white or black, I’m more concerned that there may be small children watching Fox News. Doesn’t anyone watch Bugs Bunny any more?

Of course, from there everything spiraled downward. Kelly went on to note that Jesus was white. And that perked up Jon Stewart’s antennae. And then Kelly was an absentee on her own primetime show last night. She’ll return this evening. This might be worth watching.