Tuitt’s tackle: It was a Savage hit, but not exactly a savage hit.

1. All-American Ejects

Notre Dame led Pittsburgh 7-0 at Heinz Field last night when, on the first play of the second quarter, the above happened. Stephon Tuitt, who stands nearly six-foot-seven, ran down the line of scrimmage to chase down Panther quarterback Tom Savage. As you can clearly see, both players lower their shoulder pads and helmets into the collision.

Brent Musburger: “A beautiful hit over there by Tuitt! He unloaded on him, Herbie.”

Herbstreit (chuckling): “The big fella. Running out like he’s an outside linebacker.”

Brent: “Hold it–there’s a flag, though.”

Brian Kelly (lip reading): “Bullshit! That’s a bullshit call!”

Brent: “The quarterback taking off becomes a running back, ducks down. Savage did indeed duck his head, but is Tuitt responsible for keeping an eye on him?”

Herbie: “I don’t think (that call) will be held up… This is one that came up in our seminar this summer: What if the ballcarrier lowers his head and initiates the contact?…I’ll ask you this: Do you feel like he was trying to use his helmet as a weapon?… We all know why they’re doing this.”

Question: If that were a running back on that play and not a quarterback, do you think the ref throws that flag? We’ll never know, but I don’t.

If you’ve ever played football, if you understand what it’s like to run full speed, and then lower your body into a hit, you also understand that the weight of the helmet and shoulder pads will make the collision above unavoidable.

The side judge threw his flag. Targeting on Notre Dame. A 15-yard penalty and an automatic ejection for the Fighting Irish’s best player.

Notre Dame made plenty of physical and mental errors (you might want to pick up that fumble, Sheldon Day) in the final three quarters of its 28-21 loss. My friend Brian Hamilton of The Chicago Tribune described the game as a “liturgy of madness.” Tuitt’s ejection is not about why Notre Dame lost. It’s about restoring sanity to college football. Show me a goal line dive play that does not include targeting and I’ll show you a Pac-12 referee with glasses who is competent.

The targeting rule should, um, target players who with aforethought and malicious intent use their helmet as a weapon. There are going to be collisions in football. Sometimes the helmet will be involved and sometimes those two factors, as with the play above, are unavoidable. A Draconian penalty that not only costs a team 15 yards but also results in automatic ejection is asinine.

James Harrison. Now THIS is targeting at Heinz Field.

Late In the third quarter, Pitt defensive back Jason Hendricks led with his helmet in attempting to tackle Notre Dame’s William Fuller after he made a catch. Hendricks missed Fuller and instead struck his own teammate, Trenton Coles, who lay on the ground for a few minutes. It appeared as if Coles was knocked out cold. Eventually, Coles was able to walk to the sidelines, though from the fuzzy look on his face it appeared as if he had suffered a concussion.

But there was no targeting penalty. Is that because Hendricks struck his own teammate, or because the referees had targeting fatigue?

Final two thoughts;

1) Notre Dame got a gift of a non-call last year when officials failed to realize that it had two players with the same uniform number 2, Bennett Jackson and Chris Brown, on its field-goal defense team in ND’s three-overtime win in South Bend. So, between that, the Tuitt ejection and the phantom pass interference on Bennett Jackson, it seems as if they’re even now.

2) Tuitt may have been ejected, but I imagine every NFL scout who saw him run down the line “like an outside linebacker” at 320 pounds  and tackle Savage just moved the defensive end up on his draft board. Silly rules like that are what would motivate a player like Tuitt to leave a year early for the NFL.

Starting Five

Twitter opened at $45 and Gaffney closed with 45 carries.

1. “S-A-T! S-A-T!”

(The judges will also accept “Oregone…Again”)

At about the same time last night that a former Stanford offensive lineman’s attorney released a memo that began “Jonathan Martin’s toughness is not an issue”, the current Cardinal OL was emphatically hammering home the same point on ESPN. The Farm may be Nerd Nation, but it is also the home of Tough Guy Football west of Tuscaloosa, Ala.

The final score read 26-20, but the Cardinal were dominant. It was 26-0 after 49 minutes as Tyler Gaffney, in the grand tradition of Touchdown Tommy Vardell and Toby Gerhardt (Hmmm….Tommy….Toby….Tyler), carried the ball a school-record 45 times for 157 yards. Why? Because Stanford’s senior-heavy offensive line, guided by All-American David Yankey, hyperlooped the Duck front seven off the ball all night.

Quarterback Kevin Hogan proved that you could be brilliant while only completing seven of 13 passes. Although, in Palo Alto “brilliant” isn’t exactly extraordinary, on this night it was.

My first question would have been, “Are you still sleeping in the gym?”

The Cardinal will almost certainly win the Pac-12 North now (beware of the Nov. 16 game at USC, though), setting up a conference championship game versus one of four South teams still in the fray. One way or another, the Cardinal should be playing in Pasadena come January.

2. The Tempest-est

This is not an extreme close-up of Lindsey Lohan after a night out at The Dutch.

That’s an infrared image of Typhoon Haiyan –pardon me, Supertyphoon Haiyan– that battered the Philippines yesterday, but as of now the reported fatalities are still only in the single digits. According to Dr. Jeff Masters (who does not, as far as I know, conduct sex experiments on the campus of Washington University whilst abetted by Lizzy Caplan) of wunderground.com, Haiyan literally was off the scale (the Dvorak Scale, which records typhoon velocities), as the storm’s winds attained a velocity of 193 miles per hour, making it the strongest typhoon to make landfall in recorded history.

3. The Blake Show?

Yeah, that’s good, Steve…

Nice win in Houston last night for the Lakers, as they employed the Hack-a-Howard strategy against their one-and-done ex-teammate while trailing late. The Rockets led 93-91 with 3:24 to play when they began fouling Dwight Howard deliberately because, after all, who wants to see James Harden (35 points) shoot the ball? In the next three minutes, Howard would convert just five of 12 FTs (he finished five of 16 for the contest), which allowed the Lakers one last chance trailing 98-96 with mere seconds remaining.

Steve Blake buries the wide-open three. Why is Blake so all alone? One, because Patrick Beverly did not switch but also, two, because future Hall of Famer Steve Nash puts Jeremy Lin in a brief shoulder clinch, just long enough to prevent Lin from having an impact. That’s a pro move. An illegal move, but a pro move.

Kobe must be proud.

Steve Blake’s wife, Kristen Blake, who is not to be confused with…

Meanwhile, the good news for Blake and his lovely wife, Kristen, is that because he did convert that three, he probably isn’t receiving death threats this morning.

the “Days of Our Lives” character Kristen Blake, played by Eileen Davidson (who is not to be confused with John Davidson, but why would you?)

Going off on a tangent here, Davidson has basically been employed on either DoOL or The Young and The Restless since 1982. Pret-teee, pret-teee good. Oh, and she’s married to Vince Van Patten, which makes Dick Van Patten (“NICHOLAS!”) her father-in-law, which is cool. Davidson’s final episode on DoOL reportedly airs some time this month.

Finally, after watching Clippers-Heat and Lakers-Rockets last night, Charles Barkley proclaimed that he’d winnowed his list of potential NBA championship-caliber teams from nine to four (after just two weeks!). I’m guessing Sir Charles is referring to Miami, Indiana, Oklahoma City and San Antonio.

4. Now That’s Pro Football Talk

Michael DeLorenzo, the actor who played Santiago in “A Few Good Men”, is half-Puerto Rican and half-Italian. So how would Incognito address him?

I’ve never been divorced–one of the benefits of having never been married–but the statement released by Jonathan Martin’s attorney last night sounds as if it came straight out of a divorce proceeding. I won’t re-run the words here because you’ve probably read them somewhere else and because, you know, Phyllis reads this. You can read the vile statement here, although I have to ask, why did the anonymous Dolphin feel compelled to add “she loves me?”

Anyway, the ol’ locker room adage is some variation on this axiom: “What you see here, do here, say here, stays here.”

That’s the cardinal rule of the locker room. And Martin, through attorney David Cornwell, just violated it.

So perhaps Incognito and the Dolphins crossed the line –by a mile — in their treatment of Martin. Or perhaps everyone was joking and then someone took it too far and now Martin is upset. We don’t really know. What we do know is that in locker rooms and front offices in the NFL’s other 31 parishes, this revelation makes Martin persona non grata (he has no grata).

There’s a reason guys can recite A Few Good Men almost verbatim (because TBS airs it every three days?). It resonates with us. It’s the age-old conflict between doing what’s right and loyalty to the team, and where exactly does one value overtake the other? Coaches prefer players who don’t think, only do. So do platoon leaders. Something tells me that this episode will at least be equally damaging to Martin’s NFL future as it is to Incognito’s, if not worse.

5. Speaking of Which, Has Thayer Evans Gone Markinson?

Funny how quickly people disappear. Have you heard anything about Tim Tebow the past couple of months? And what of Sports Illustrated writer Thayer Evans, who was all over the news when “The Dirty Game” was released? Well, Thayer last sent out a tweet on September 24 and he hasn’t had a story on SI.com since before then. I don’t subscribe to SI, but my searches for Evans revealed no bylines in the mag (if you’ve seen one, feel free to inform me). It’s kind of odd because, well, apparently Evans was NOT suspended (or fired) and yet it’s college football season and that’s supposedly his bailiwick.

So where is he?

I don’t have an answer. Maybe someone else does.

Reserves

That Twitter IPO happened. The people who were able to get in at the IPO price at $26 are precious and few, and extremely wealthy. They were able to turn around in the same day and sell that stock for as much as $49 per share, while anyone who earns less than, say, $150,000 per year had no such shot. These people will be bragging about how they turned an 80% or better profit in two hours yesterday until you hear then bitch about being in a higher tax bracket in a few months.

****
Jason Whitlock on the Miami Dolphin mess. Terrific column, particularly the first half. If I were his editor, I’d have cut the second part where it loses steam. Could a white columnist (or even a half-white columnist) have written this without backlash?

***

That’s not taunting, by the way.

The best “This is SportsCenter” ad since Neil Everett’s “I’m in the Top Ten, Roger.”

If only these uniforms were a joke. Christmas day, everybody.

What the NBA isn’t saying is that the other team will be “Skins.”

Most Adorable Smackdown

“And what place are you in?” “Kindergarten.” “That’s adorable.”

At the CMA’s, 23 year-old Taylor Swift garnered yet another “You’re-The-Greatest-Thing-That-Ever (Ever Ever Ever)-Happened” type award because the music industry isn’t stupid. How many jobs has she saved? Swift did the whole “I can’t believe this is happening to me” spiel because she wants to be just as adorable as that little girl in the latest “It’s Not Complicated” ad, and that ain’t easy.

It’s a love story/Honey, please say yes…

(Watch that video just for Justin Timberlake’s and Ellen Degeneres’ tributes; I won’t spoil it).

Hey, I love T-Swizzle. Really. It’s just funny how, five to six years into this phenomenon, she still flashes that “L’il ol’ me?” look.

Remote Patrol

College Hoops: Georgetown vs. Oregon

ESPN 7:30 p.m.

Dominic Artis will not be seen tonight…

Last year the college basketball season tipped off from an aircraft carrier. Tonight’s season opener on the WWL will tip off from a U.S. Army base in South Korea, all efforts to make the 38th parallel the midcourt line having been exhausted. Two of the Ducks’ key players, Dominic Artis and Ben Carter, will not play due to suspensions incurred for selling shoes, which is a little ironic considering who the athletic department’s chief benefactor is.

Starting Five

1. There’s No “Jerk” In Team

The heroes of Olivet Middle School carrying their teammate off the field.

My friend and former colleague, Jeff Pearlman, wrote an essay for The Wall Street Journal yesterday titled “Why I Don’t Want My Kids To Play Team Sports.” Now, Jeff is an established and respected writer, successful author and college journalism professor, and so maybe that is why no editor at WSJ had the cojones to say, “Hey, Jeff? Yeah, in your final paragraph you completely negate the argument you first attempted to make.”

Read the article. Now allow me to address a few of Jeff’s points.

1) That boisterous fireman who was the coach? He was volunteering his time. Like all youth sports coaches do. If you really want to loathe someone, loathe the parent who is NOT participating in an activity that helps children both learn and acclimate to social situations.

2. “Why do we place so much emphasis on winning?” I don’t know, Jeff. Darwinism? Why do you tweet about the imminent release of your next book? Don’t you want to sell it? Don’t you want it to be successful?

3) At the end Jeff discusses playing on an SI intramural team back in the 1990s. I was also on that team, as was GMA anchor Josh Elliott, SI soccer writer Grant Wahl, World’s Greatest Sportswriter Steve Rushin, John O’Keefe (you’ve never heard of him, but he was our best player), future ESPN managing editor Chad Millman, and a few others. Jeff, as did all of us, had a great time. And he’s right, we would go out for beers –usually either at The Corner Bistro or MacAleer’s— and discuss the game. I remember a mailroom employee from a law firm promising to “put a cap in my ass” after the game, for example.

Jeff’s latest book. All of these guys should’ve devoted their childhoods to composing poetry.

The point is, that was a team sport and Jeff was in his late twenties, and he enjoyed it. Oh, and maybe just maybe it wasn’t that coach’s fault, maybe it was Jeff’s parents’ fault for placing their son in a situation he clearly had no desire to be part of. I played team sports all the time growing up –I’m an avid solo sport person at this stage of my life — and what stands out most for me is that I wanted to play them. Maybe Jeff’s older brother did not.

That’s the crux of the problem here, no? If my parents had forced me –or my older brother –to take violin lessons, and we’d have floundered, would I have written a WSJ essay ripping school philharmonics?

When I was in 7th grade our family moved from New Jersey to the Phoenix area (I was a thinner Richie Incognito). The “cool kids” at my junior high were Hispanic and African-American and I was the clean-cut white boy whose parents did not quite get the dress code. So, for my first two months at Our Lady Of Mount Carmel in Tempe, my nickname was “Slacks.”

Then basketball tryouts happened. And I was pretty good. And when our starting five took the court for a team that would eventually play for the city championship, it was Daniel Aguilar, Jeff Cano, Tony Ruelas (all Hispanic), Scott Payne (African-American), and I. Now, I’m not saying that it takes being decent in athletics to be socially accepted –though it definitely does not hurt. What I am saying is that all of us broke down social barriers because we spent two hours every afternoon working together with one purpose in mind. That’s where being part of a team can be a valuable experience.

“You want Lupus to run cross-country? That’s cruddy.”

And I imagine every one of you reading this has a similar experience.

Last summer, at the cookoutateria, we hosted a season-ending party for a Little League team. The head coach was a dad in his late thirties who looked as if he’d be equally comfortable on a wave in Maui. He was funny, charismatic, and he took the time during the ceremony to acknowledge each player and to discuss what made that kid special. Imagine being 10 years old and having a man you respect say something positive about you in front of everyone. It is why, 35 years later, I still remember Ted Lovick (my grade school basketball coach) and Ken Baer (my first Pop Warner football coach). I’ve met some of the very biggest names in the world of sports, but those two men had a greater impact on my life.

Again, I imagine you have a similar coach who impacted yours.

One more thing: I’ve known Jeff for awhile and one of the things that I’ve always liked about him is that he is an original thinker. Often, a contrarian thinker. Just as often, I believe, he presents a contrarian idea not because he truly believes it but because he likes standing apart from the madding crowd. If Jeff truly hated team sports, why have most of his books made sports teams the subject?

Finally, and a better argument than any I might make, is this clip from CBS News. Before you simply dismiss it as another cliché “Hey, The Disabled Kid Scored a Touchdown/Basket” video, stick around until the end. Stick around for the interview with Justice Miller (It may get dusty when you watch, I’m just warning you.).

I don’t want to spoil it, but I will. Here’s what Justice says near the end, and this is what being a rugged individualist will never do for you: “I kind of went from mostly caring about myself and my friends to caring about everyone and trying to make everyone’s day and everyone’s life.”

Dusty, right? And you know why? Because in a place so far down you sometimes don’t even realize it exists, you know that the secret to joy is exactly what Miller just said. There’s no greater feeling. Justice Miller’s tears are the best rebuttal to Jeff Pearlman’s essay one could ever find.

2. Ode To Joy

Johnson has crossed the final finish line.

You cannot go out much better than this. Joy Johnson, 86, runs her 25th New York City Marathon on Sunday (finishing in just over 7 hours). On Monday morning, as the San Jose, Calif., resident has done for years after traversing the 26.2 miles across five boroughs, Johnson visits the set of Today to show Al Roker her medal. Then she returns to her hotel in midtown Manhattan to take a nap.

Except that Johnson never woke up.

Credit the New York Daily News for a perfect lede on Tuesday morning: “Her race is run.”

3. Putting Stock in the Twitter IPO?

Begins with a “T”, ends in an “-er”, has an “I” in the middle. And I’m sick of posting that logo.

By the time you read this, Twitter will be a publicly traded company. Which means that I am not only a serial abuser of the internet tool, I’m also an owner. Should you buy? There’s an excellent chance that the stock will be overvalued TODAY, that whatever price you try to purchase it at between 10 a.m. and whenever today will NOT be a bargain in the next week or so.

Long haul, though? I don’t see a way in the world that Twitter’s stock price will be lower one year from now, five years from now, than it is today.

You can talk about its profitability, or whether an imitator could come along and usurp market share. Here’s my line: there was never anything like Twitter before Twitter and it is SO SIMPLE –in fact, that’s the key to its enormous popularity –that I don’t think you can improve upon it. Kind of like…water.

Twitter, as one CNBC guest earlier this morning said, has changed human behavior. Precisely. Any product that can do that — cars, airplanes, phones –is worth investing in.

One reason, and not the only reason, that I believe Twitter will succeed: it’s the best complement to watching televised sports since beer. I don’t even know how –or why–you’d watch a game anymore without being on Twitter. I want to share the conversation about the game with the pithiest minds I know.

Last thing from me: Fortune favors the bold. Yesterday I wrote about Ryan Riess, the WSOP Main Event champ who took $1,675 of his life savings of $2,000 to enter a poker tourney in October of 2012. He finished second and won $239,000, which allowed him to have the means to turn pro (after graduating from Michigan State last December) and now he just won $8.4 million.

Twitter CEO Jeff Van Gundy…um, Dick Costolo. On CNBC this a.m., the one Twitter follow he noted was Bill Simmons.

At my lowest ebb, just after NBC Sports laid me off in February of 2009 (Stay classy, Tom) and the market was even lower, I told a friend that I should just take what was left of my savings and go all in on Sirius (then, 9 cents per share) or Las Vegas Sands (then, $3 per share). But I did not.

SIRI is now at $3.70 and LVS is at $70.

Sometimes the worst thing you can do is to not follow your own advice. Your gut. Just a thought…

4. Half-Beatlemania

John Ringo? No, Paul George. Baby, he can drive your car. Yes, he’s gonna be a star.

Yes, Paul McCartney, 71, is on the cover of the Rolling Stone, but that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about Paul George and the Indiana Pacers, the NBA’s last unbeaten team. Indiana topped Chicago and Derrick Rose last night, 97-80, outscoring the Bulls by 16 in the fourth quarter. George, who is third in the NBA scoring in this opening fortnight with 25.3 ppg, scored a game-high 21 for the 5-0 Pacers, who are setting the pace in the league.

Klay-mation: Thompson, whose dad was a No. 1 overall draft pick decades ago, scored 19 fourth-quarter points at Minnesota.

A more entertaining game? Up-and-comers Golden State and Minnesota, led by Stephen Curry and Kevin Love Spit Love (arcane ’90s’s band reference). The Warriors won 106-93, as Klay Thompson (you may recall that THIS GUY) tweeted at the time that he’s the first player he’d draft) drained a game-high 30 points for the Warriors Come Out and Play-ay.”

 5. Brad & Carrie: How Long Until They Get a Variety Show?

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Carrie Underwood worked in a press box (and you have)….

CMA hosts extraordinaire Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood ripped Obamacare last night in the world’s greatest ever example of playing to your audience. They were their typically funny and charming selves, though, crooning a parody to George Strait’s “Amarillo By Morning” that they titled “Obamacare by Morning.” Here’s the script that set it up.

Reserves

My piece in Newsweek on WSOP champion Ryan Riess. Congrats!

*****

Martin, a Stanford alum, probably won’t watch tonight’s game with Incognito, who briefly attended Oregon.

I often reference the “Zen Master” scene from “Charlie Wilson’s War” (Philip Seymour Hofman and Tom Hanks, and the wisdom of not looking just two feet in front of you, which becomes increasingly difficult on a Twitter/text/24-hour news cycle planet), and that’s sound advice for the Dolphins fiasco. As the days go by, people start to wonder just how jocular Incognito’s voice mail, as profane and obscene as it was, might have been. And whether Martin may be “a little soft.”

Recalling a friend who worked on Wall Street and a prank they used to pull on any colleague who was going straight from the office to a business trip. They’d hide a dildo in his carry-on and then wrap it in aluminum foil to alert the TSA. So that was always an interesting moment for the victim. But in alpha-dog ecosystems such as the NFL and Wall Street, such pranks are common.

Who’s the villain here? Incognito? Joe Philbin? Martin? We’ll see…

***

USA Today’s annual list of college football coaches’ salaries. That sounds like a lot of fun to compile. Paul Pasqualoni at UConn is earning $1.7 million per year to win as many games this season as you and I have. Beats working for a living.

***

Stop! The Love You Save May Be Your Own…

Dante’s InFrono…

This is Dante De Blasio, the 16 year-old son of New York City’s new mayor. I am SO down with this kid. Rock that ‘fro.

Remote Patrol

College Football Doubleheader

No. 10 Oklahoma at No. 6 Baylor

Fox Sports 1 7:30 p.m.

No. 3 Oregon at No. 5 Stanford

ESPN 9 p.m.

Lache Seastrunk, who averages 9.05 yards per carry and has only played for two of the four schools that will play this evening.

Our guest on The Grotto today, Andy Staples, calls this the “greatest Thursday night in the history of college football since the night I met my wife.” It’s a college football playoff, people, as two teams will probably be eliminated tonight. And jump over to TNT at 9:30 p.m., as the Lakers visit Houston and the Dwight Howards.

Starting Five

1. Pork

Mayor Rob Ford: Definitely not prone to overindulgence.

Big day for porcine pols, as Ruth’s Chris Christie is re-elected governor of New Jersey and Toronto mayor Rob Ford admits –only after the cops warn that they have the video –to smoking crack cocaine. Ford Defiant promises not to resign, while Lorne Michaels (a Canadian) is furious that Chris Farley is no longer among the living. “Fat guy in a little coat…”

Now that we’ve conquered New Jersey, Dave, it’s on to Ohio State.

2. Dawson….Downey…Incognito

This always seems to happen in heavily-populated Cuban areas.

A report from the Orlando Sun-Sentinel claims that secret sources — unlike the kind you find on a Big  Mac — say that Miami Dolphin coaches asked offensive tackle Richie Cognito to “toughen up” fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin after he missed a VOLUNTARY workout, or OTA (“Organized Team Activity”), last spring.

Once that news broke, Adam Jacobi of The Bleacher Report (@Adam_Jacobi) went Aaron Sorkin on Twitter. It was beautiful. Here, unabridged, we present the original Jacobi monologue, “A Few Good Linemen.”

“Grave danger?” “Is there any other kind?”

Colonel Joseph R. Philbin, Commanding Officer, National Football League, Miami, Florida.

Have you ever spent time on a football team, son? Ever served on an offensive line?

Ever put your block in another lineman’s hands, ask him to put his block in yours? We run plays, son. We run plays or people get sacked.

Son, we live in a world that has offensive lines, and those lines have to be filled by 350-pound men with helmets. Who’s gonna do it? You?

(You, Roger Goodell?)

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Martin, and you curse the Dolphins’ o-line. You have that luxury.

You have the luxury of not knowing what coaches know. That Martin’s departure, while tragic, probably saved Ryan Tannehill’s life.

And Richie Incognito’s existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves quarterbacks’ lives.

I can totally see Adam Schefter as Lt. Daniel Kaffee, by the way.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about on Twitter, you want him on that line. YOU NEED HIM ON THAT LINE.

We use words like shiver, rip technique, smash. We use those words as a backbone of a life spent defending quarterbacks.

You use them as a comment on Pro Football Talk.

I have neither the TIME nor the INCLINATION to EXPLAIN MYSELF to a man who rises and sleeps under the fandom of the very team I coach…

…and then bitches on Twitter about the way I provide it.

I would rather you just said “thank you” and bought a season ticket.

Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a helmet, and stand at left tackle.

Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you football fans think you’re entitled to.

*Did you order the code red?* YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT I DID! – Joe Philbin

3. A Change of Seasons

Javier Pagan, Rachel McGuire, and Kevin McGill have now appeared on more SI covers than Novak Djokovic.

A magnificent idea, as Sports Illustrated calls back the three first responders from its Boston Marathon bombing cover story to appear on the cover with Red Sox World Series MVP David Ortiz. You may recall that it was Ortiz who addressed the Fenway faithful on the Red Sox’ first home game after the bombings in April (which coincided with Big Papi’s return to the lineup following an Achilles injury), telling them, ” “This is our fu____g city. And nobody is going to dictate our freedom. Stay strong.”

How did it all go down? Nina Mandell of USA Today explains that it was creative director Chris Hercik’s idea (maybe that’s why he’s the creative director), and then director of photography Brad Smith was left with the task of assembling the foursome at the Fens. My guess is that Tom Verducci, who wrote the cover story, probably pitched in, too. He’s got quite a lot of street cred with the Sox.

4. Ryan Riess is Rich

As Bill Simmons asked on Twitter, “Is this the greatest moment in Detroit Lions history?” (he also referred to Riess as “Megatron Nowitzki.”)

The 23 year-old from Waterford, Mich., making his first appearance at the World Series of Poker’s Main Event, wins the whole shebang. Riess outlasted 29 year-old Vegas clubgoer wrangler Jay Farber last night at the final table to claim the $8.4 million prize as well as the coveted gold bracelet. On the final hand Riess held Ace King while Farber, nearly out of chips, was compelled to go all in on Queen 5. No ladies or 5s came on the flop, turn or river.

Farber, though, arguably played two of the best hands among the more than fifty played on the heads-up final night between the two. He bluffed big-time when he only held an unsuited 6-5 early in the evening, and then he acted as if he were bluffing (a supposedly tell-tale smirk) when he actually had a flush. Still, “Riess the Beast” was relentless and held a sizeable chip advantage most of the night.

Props to ESPN poker analyst (and poker pro) Antonio Esfandiari, who was terrific in this role. I’d have him go study football for a month and then put him aside Tirico and Gruden for MNF telecasts.

5. Oh no! Ohio!

Let’s face it, the 4-yard line is very, very close to the goal line.

That is Ohio quarterback Tyler Tettleton throwing away a pass while under intense pressure from three Buffalo defenders in Maction (or is it Macktion, as Bulls linebacker Khalil Mack may be the conference’s best player) last night. So what?

So referee Tom McCabe called a safety against Ohio, ruling that it was intentional grounding (true) and the pass was thrown from the end zone (false…but only by four yards). The play is not reviewable. Buffalo won 45-3, so this was not quite a turning point. Still, the refs might have looked toward Game 1 of the World Series, first inning, to see how to play this correctly.

When approached after the game last night if he knew he’d gone James Joyce on this call, McCabe tersely replied, “Yes, correct.”

Reserves

Matt Millen, on ESPNU’s “College Football Today”, advocates that college football needs to do away with the 20-hour rule. “You’re at a college on scholarship to play football. So do it.” Ooooooo-kay.

Brett Butler? But, you know, not the Atlanta Brave…

“Scarlett, I just received word that the Peach Bowl will be sponsored by Winn Dixie”

By the way, I can’t get over how much a be-suited (as opposed to besotted) Brett McMurphy reminds me of Clark Gable. I definitely want my friend to festoon himself in a “Gone With the Wind” costume next week and say, “Frankly, Tom Luginbill, I don’t give a damn.”

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Will Leitch appeared on Fox Sports Live with Charissa Thompson and Andy Roddick last night. The Deadspin founder, who used to malign press box jockeys, admitted to actually being stationed in the press box at Fenway Park for the World Series (“You’re one of them now!”). My favorite Leitch insight, and it’s absolutely true, was that he’d look around press box and notice that his colleagues were more intent on reading their Twitter stream than the World Series action that was taking place right in front of them. So, so true.

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Caplan: Soon to be headed to a beach with Bob Benson. Wait, she lives in St. Louis? Never mind.

Caught “Masters of Sex” pilot episode finally. Lizzy Caplan is going to be a (bigger) star. Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone calls it “The Mad Men of science”, and I can see that, but it’s not in that show’s class. In case you aren’t familiar with the Showtime series, it tells the true story of sex-study pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, which affords me the thinnest of excuses to provide this link from The Onion (“Hosting The Situation Room, 19%”)that I happened upon last week.

The Queen of the Mud Runs

“You want her on that wall! You need–“

Last week I profiled Amelia Boone for Newsweek. Boone has won the women’s division in 10 of the 15 obstacle races, i.e. mud runs, that she has entered, including last November’s World’s Toughest Mudder, a 24-hour odyssey in which entrants traverse a 10-mile course built on a drag strip in New Jersey (as if the 24-hour part of the quest wasn’t onerous enough). In that event Boone actually defeated all of the males, save one, finishing second overall from amongst a field of 1,100 mudders. Boone, an attorney based in Chicago, will defend her title on November 16-17.

Remote Patrol

Country Music Awards

ABC 8 p.m.

Expect an all-star tribute to country legend George Jones, who died earlier this year.

The CMA’s, with your engaging hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood, live from Nashville. Are you sure, John? Yes, I’m sure…reasonably sure…I think so. Oh, and Erin Andrews will appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live, so if she says anything provocative, I’m sure we’ll read about it tomorrow on “Awful Announcing.”

Starting Five

“Skyrockets in flight (rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmm)/Afternoon delight/Aaaa-aa-afternoon delight….”

1. Plane Stupid

Not since Truman Sparks took up Judd Nelson’s Phillip character with a parachute pack loaded with laundry in “Fandango” has sky diving averted such foolish tragedy with plain ol’ dumb luck. Two small planes, 11 parachutists and pilots aboard, attempting a formation jump above Superior, Wisconsin, until the rear plane slams into the forward plane from above (luckily, they had GEICO) at 12,000 feet.

The forward plane bursts into flames, but everyone (including the pilot) leaps out and parachutes to safety. In the other plane, the rear plane, three of the divers are knocked from the aircraft by the force of the impact and the other two jump out. The craft is severely damaged but the pilot lands it safely.

Truman Sparks and Phillip (Judd Nelson; not a weenie)

Nobody dies.

(Rule No. 1-A: “Gravity always wins…unless you’re wearing a parachute.”)

The film version of this event, “Gravity, Part 2: Wisconsin Boogaloo” will star Sandra Bullock, George Clooney, and nine computer-animated Packer fans.

2. Flori-Duh, NFL Style

Incognito: Now available at George Costanza’s favorite shopping emporium, The Jerk Store.

Those of us who have never played in the National Football League would be wise not to transfer our idea of office decorum and colleague protocol to the land of beastly giants. That said, what Richie Incognito said to teammate Jonathan Martin was way, way out of line. Even if intended as a joke –and Martin’s actions in the past 10 days suggest that it wasn’t –it’s just incredibly difficult to defend.

Questions: Incognito was actually one of six Dolphins on the team’s leadership council? And where are the other names, as reports state that while Incognito may have bullied Martin, he did not act alone?

Incognito’s reputation as both a talented offensive tackle and a jerk extend back to his playing days at Nebraska. The Glendale, Ariz., product started his first game as a redshirt freshman for the Cornhuskers and was the starting left tackle as a redshirt sophomore. He also got booted from Nebraska, signed with Oregon, and then was dismissed from the Ducks before ever playing a game for them.

Here’s Paola Boivin of the Arizona Republic, tracing Incognito’s Phoenix-area roots (FWIW, like Incognito, I moved from New Jersey to Arizona as a boy, got bullied a little  [as the new kid, not for being fat], and played football. Maybe I would’ve grown up to be a jerk if I were larger).

As for Miami, one team official told ESPN: “He’s done….from a club perspective, he’ll never play another game here.” But will someone else sign Incognito, a Pro Bowl-caliber lineman, and will Roger Goodell allow it? And will Goodell also address the pernicious hazing system in place in NFL locker rooms?

3. Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves (But Both Exit Wealthier)

Riess is fearless, even donning a Detroit Lions jersey in hopes of advancing to a championship.

Meet Ryan Riess. An East Lansing, Mich., native, Riess is a former K-Mart cashier and a Michigan State graduate (rank those two in any order you please) who a year ago had $2,000 to his name. Then, according to ESPN’s Norman Chad, Riess spent $1,675 of that life savings to enter a poker tournament (talk about going all in) in Hammond, Ind. He finished second and won $239,000

Later today Riess, 23, will play Las Vegas night club promoter Jay Barber, 29, heads up in the Main Event of the World Series of Poker for a cash prize of $8,361,570 (don’t feel too poorly for the runner-up; he’ll pocket, although it will require quite large pockets, $5,174,357).

Riess and Barber were two of the 6,352 players, each paying a buy-in of $10,000, when the Main Event got underway in Las Vegas in July. The field was whittled down to nine players over the course of 11 days, and then (because ESPN has some pull), was suspended until the first week of November so that it can be televised live. The cool part is staying up until after three a.m., as you could have earlier today, to watch the final table be whittled down to two players (the event is televised on a 15-minute delay to eliminate any chances of cheating). The lame part is that at this stage players do not show their hole cards to the built-in table cameras, which makes it far less compelling for the viewer and far more difficult for the Chad and his partner, Lon McEachern. Picture Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden calling a game of Monday Night Football without any access to what is taking place on the offensive side of the line of scrimmage.

Riess, 23, was the youngest player to advance to the final table. No word yet if he’ll come back with the Calvin Johnson jersey today.

4. J.J. Buries J’s

Redick could increase his scoring average for a seventh consecutive season if he keeps this up.

Did you hear the one about the former Orlando Magic starter who relocated to the Staples Center and did not struggle?

Okay, it’s waaaayyyyy early in the NBA season, which unofficially begins on Christmas Day, but newly acquired Los Angeles Clipper guard J.J. Redick scored 15 points last night — in the first quarter. The former Dookie finished with a game-high 26 in the Clips’ 137-118 rout of Houston (who started Redick’s former Magic teammate, Dwight Howard).

We are only four games in, but Redick is averaging 17.3 points per game as a starter (the Clips bring Jamal Crawford, who may be the best outside shooter in the league, off the bench). Here’s the nine-year vet’s annual scoring averages beginning with his second season and including this nascent one: 4.1, 6.0, 9.6, 10.1, 11.6, 12.3, 15.1, 17.3.

Someone’s getting the hang of this league.

5. Model S: a Model $

Vendela: a Norwegian model who may (or may not) drive Tesla’s Norwwegian model (this is SO blatantly The Big Lead of me).

Thursday’s Twitter IPO is garnering all the attention on Wall Street this week, understandably, but you may want to take a look at a surer deal: Tesla. The designer electric car manufacturer, founded by America’s greatest post-Steve Jobs whiz kid, Elon Musk, announces its third quarter earnings report after the closing bell today.

Tesla is the top-selling vehicle overall in Norway, but that may be because Tesla sounds like a nubile Scandinavian fashion model. Either way, projections are that the Model S, with a sticker price of $61,070, is a hit with all those liberal tree-hugger, oh-where-will-the-polar-bears-live? types who amass their fortunes in the arts, or something even more sinister, like consulting.

The Model S is a far cry from the Model T, but both vehicles are revolutionary.

Anyway, analysts expect Tesla to top guidance in this afternoon’s earnings report. The stock, which opened yesterday at $162 per share, opened today at $180. One analyst has upped his price target to $240. Granted, the stock is already up nearly 600% in the past year, but when has logic ever mattered?

Tesla. As a stock its Apple circa 2003-2011, with wheels.

Reserves

Recognize this couple? You may have heard of their son.

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Is Brian Dennehy as John Wayne Gacy the mayor of Toronto?

Mayor Rob Ford and his homies.

I’m not even sure that Richie Incognito is the biggest obese jerk in today’s news. Just ask anyone who lives in Toronto, where the police chief reportedly has a video of Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Ford’s response is not to deny, but to say, “Show us the video.”

Ford’s reputation as a Falstaffian figure (that’s literary-ese for “fat drunk”) is well-established, and there are rumors that police aren’t going after him even harder because he may have ties to a drug-related murder. But maybe Ford’s worst offense, certainly to his Canadian electorate, is that he’s just not nice. And THAT is a capital offense in Ontario’s capitol city.

Those mischievous rakers of muck, “The Daily Show”, half of whose writing staff is Canadian, weighed in last night. “Smoking crack, making racist and homophic remarks…I don’t know much about hockey, but I believe in Canada that’s known as a hat trick.”

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Remote Patrol

World Series of Poker, Final Table

ESPN 9 p.m.

I wasn’t about to run a second photo of a poker player, and I didn’t want to run afoul of the sexism police with a second supermodel pic. So, here you go.

Unlike last night, when my RP listing had an event that won’t air until Wednesday –and on another network than the one I listed — the WSOP will actually air tonight on ESPN at 9 p.m. Maybe someone will address the flopping problem in the sport. Or maybe not.