Starting Five

1. “Let’s get ready to hummmmmmbblllllllle!”

Lots of chatter already about how New Pope, Pope Francis (I had $40 on him choosing “Sheldon”, so I lose), can outhumble anyone in the sacristy. We’ll see about that.

A few tweets of mine from yesterday, in case you missed ’em:

“Anyone out there remember me? Hellloooo? Son of God here. I’m kind of the reason behind the hullabaloo.”

“It takes one day to elect a new pope, but all weekend to select the NCAA tournament.”

“I guess you could call this a ‘mass’ gathering?”

“Have there ever been this many people assembled outdoors, not in an arena, who did not witness a live performance by Taylor Swift?”

“The new pope ran a 4.82.”

“In 1 year: ‘Couple that met in St. Peter’s Square awaiting papal announcement to wed’ #WeFoundLoveInAPopelessPlace

One final item: My former SI colleague, Josh Elliott, was there live for “Good Morning America” and erroneously tweeted “black smoke” when the white smoke escaped from the smokestack. It’s okay to be wrong. Josh deleted that tweet. I’m sure the Ministry of Information supported that move.

2. The answer? Four. The question? “How many conference men’s hoops tournaments are being staged in Las Vegas this month? The West Coast Conference champ, Gonzaga, was crowned last Sunday at Orleans Arena. The WAC is staging its tournament there right now. The Mountain West Conference is holding its tourney at the Thomas & Mack Center while the Pac-12 is staging its tournament at the MGM Grand.

“The Thomas & Mack Center strictly prohibits masturbating during halftime. Thanks, Osama.”

A few thoughts: I’d REALLY love to be in Vegas this week….Wouldn’t it have been cool to sit by yourself, cheering on Nevada, and declare yourself a “One-Man Wolf Pack?”… So college hoops can not only double down but, yes, quadruple down on college hoops in Sin City but the NBA, NFL and MLB won’t stage a regular-season game there? And when is the last time Las Vegas hosted an NCAA tournament game? Much less the Final Four?… Who was Kelly Lundy cheering for?

3. The Miami Heat win their 20th in a row, 98-94 at Philly. It was on the second night of a back-to-back, so you knew it wasn’t going to be a walk. So, let’s turn our attention to the longest win streak in NBA history, the Los Angeles Lakers’ 33-game streak in 1971-72.

Who’s the genius that thought it would be a good idea to have Wilt sitting down?

A) Miami’s next four games are on the road, including a Toronto-Boston back-to-back on Sunday and Monday. If the Celtics were actually comprised of Irish or Irish-American players, I’d have no fear for the Heat playing one day after St. Patrick’s Day. However, this could pose a challenge.

B) If Miami eludes that gauntlet, look for the March 27 contest at Chicago to be a battle. And what if Derrick Rose has returned?

C) If the LeBrons pass that test, then the ultimate challenge, with the victory streak at 29, comes on the final day of this month. At San Antonio. Win that game, get to 30, and then it’s just the Knicks at home, a visit to Charlotte, the Sixers in Miami to tie and Milwaukee in Miami for the record.

D) Let’s be clear. It’s the NBA. You can lose on any night (the Spurs lost to the T-Wolves on Tuesday). Miami has lost to Detroit and Washington this season. However, as they approach history — NBA history — I think you will see a more focused team. I think that they want this.

E) One question: Do the former, surviving Lakers pop open a bottle of Dom if Miami loses before they get to 33?

4. So apparently the woman with the world’s longest legs lives not far, in northern Virginia, from the woman with the world’s largest natural breasts. Somewhere inside the Beltway there’s a dude cruising in a red Ferrari hoping to complete a menage a trois for the ages (thanks to E.L.K.)

Wondering if Svetlana owns any ZZ Top albums

5. Yahoo! Sports Dan Wetzel can flat-out write, baby. He’s now become the unofficial bard of sexual miscreantism related to football in the Appalachian region, what with his coverage of the Sandusky trial last year and now this piece on the Steubenville rape trial. Wetzel did not find this story — credit here to the New York Times for blowing it up big a few months ago — but he is taking control of it.

Remote Patrol

You’re on your own tonight. I’m working a double at the steakateria, where we are debuting our newest dish, the Steak Shapiro.

Starting Five

1. Pope-ourri

(The judges would also accept “Popin’ and Prayin'”, “Rome is Smoking”, “Papal Cliff”, and “What the Hell is Josh Elliott Doing in Vatican City?”)

Latest from the papal election: No, it is not true that the cardinals use first edition copies of “The Da Vinci Code” to create the black smoke… there was a moment of silence for the reposed of the soul of Stan Musial… a few of the cardinals have been teasing New York’s Timothy Dolan that if he gets elected, they’ll be calling him “The Pope of Greenwich Village”…. a small fracas broke out yesterday when two cardinals fought over the single electrical outlet inside the Sistine Chapel in order to charge their smartphones.

Sistene Candles

2. Last night in the NBA, in free throws:

Boston Celtics…………………….. 16 of 25

Charlotte Bobcats………………. 24 of 30

San Antonio Spurs……………..   16 of 18

Minnesota Timberwolves……      7 of 18

Washington Wizards………….     23 of 28

Cleveland Cavaliers……………     19 of 25

Dallas Mavericks………………      22 of 27

Milwaukee Bucks……………….    14 of 17

Atlanta Hawks ………………….     10 of 14

Miami Heat……………………….    22 of 30

New Orleans Not-Yet-Pelicans…. 13 of 15

Brooklyn Nets……………………….. 23 of 31

Memphis Grizzlies………………… 21 of 31

Portland Trail Blazers……………  28 of 29

Orlando Magic………………………  13 of 17

Dwight Howard…………………….  25 of 39

Kobe is hungry

That’s correct. The Laker center attempted eight more free throws, versus his former team, than any NBA team last night. That figure ties Howard’s own NBA record for free throws attempted in a game. Kudos to him for shooting 80% from the line (16 of 20) in the second half when the Magic employed the Hack-A-Howard strategy. And, yo, Blazers, we noticed that 96.6 % shooting from the stripe.

Which reminds us: Why not a free-throw shooting contest at the All-Star Game? Simple rules: Ten players enter. You shoot two at a time. If you miss, you’re out. Last player to miss wins. I’d watch.

3. Notre Dame 61, Connecticut 59. It was a thriller from Hartford, as the Huskies came back from a six-point deficit in the final 2:55 and had the ball for the final possession, only to toss an errant pass to Skylar Diggins. The Fighting Irish studette dribbled through from one free throw line to the other, through a gauntlet of Huskies, before finally finding a wide-open Natalie Achonwa (wumba) for the game-winning lay up.

The greatest college Skylar to not fall for Will Hunting. How do you like them apples, Geno?

Notes: This marks the first time in 19 seasons in which UConn failed to win at least a share of either the Big East regular season title or the Big East tournament… UConn shot 0-5 from beyond the arc, the first time in 403 games the Huskies failed to sink a three-pointer…. Notre Dame finishes its final season in the Big East 16-0 and wins its first Big East tourney, men or women… the listed attendance at the XL Center was 9,085, or slightly over half-capacity. That is mildly concerning for a UConn women’s hoops game… for those with good memories, the final few moments were somewhat reminiscent of the 2001 Big East championship, when Sue Bird dribbled the length of the court and pulled up for a sweet game-winning J as time expired.

4. The USA Today’s top-ranked high school boys basketball team in the nation is Findlay Prep. This would be awesome if, you know, Findlay Prep were an actual high school. I trod this ground last March for The Daily. It bothers me that USA Today and ESPN recognize a tail-wags-dog arrangement such as this. Findlay Prep is an AAU team that just happens to be quasi-home-schooled together.

Goss

To be fair, though, Findlay’s top player, point guard Nigel Williams-Goss, is quite the accomplished youth. The 6-3 guard, who is headed to Washington, has never received a grade lower than an A and had learned to speak Mandarin by the time he was in the fifth grade.

5. First, Larry Hagman (J.R. Ewing) passes away. Then, Bonnie Franklin (Ms. Romano). Now Valerie Harper is terminally ill with brain cancer. It’s been a bad year for CBS stars from the ’70s. We note that Edith Bunker, a.k.a. Jean Stapleton, is still going strong at age 90. As are Sue Ann Nivens, a.k.a. Betty White (91) and Phyllis, or Cloris Leachman (86).

The scarves, looking back, were an ominous harbinger

Reserves

I gotta be honest. I wouldn’t mind if this happened to more golfers. Particularly those who constantly tell you how they shot yesterday and how they would’ve broken 80 if it weren’t for those two putts that lipped out.

The most dominant athlete in the world over the past year is not over six feet tall and does not play for the Miami Heat. The world’s most dominant athlete is a five-foot-seven Argentinian with a slight paunch. Lionel Messi scored two goals yesterday for FC Barcelona in a 4-0 defeat of AC Milan in the Round of 16 of the Champions League (Milan had won the opener, 2-0, which meant that Barca needed to win by at least three goals to win the two-leg round outright). In just the past two years alone Messi has scored a staggering total of 126 goals for Barca in La Liga and at the Cup and Champions League levels. No one else is even close. Cristiano Ronaldo, by comparison, has scored 102 goals in the same span.

The world’s most dominant athlete belongs on the cover of SI

Steve Nash’s line last night in 32 minutes of play: two assists, three turnovers, four fouls. I don’t even know you anymore.

Pamela Anderson: “I got tired of talking boyfriends and boobs.” Now she’s an activist. Last week she spoke at the University of Cambridge in England. You know who also addressed that famed institution once? Sir Winston Churchill (I should tell you that Winston is my all-time hero of the 20th century…. I mean, right after Roger Staubach).

From Baywatch to Britain

Just realizing that the last two figures I mentioned are both from British Columbia. Wondering if Steve Nash has ever met Pamela Anderson…

Remote Patrol

Honestly, there’s nothing on. Go bowling. Better yet, here’s three books I’d recommend to anyone:

1. The Unoriginal Sinner and the Ice Cream God, by John Powers

I still don’t understand how this has never been turned into a movie

2. The Tender Bar, by JR Moehringer

3. Catch-22, by Joseph Heller (Lately I’ve come to realize that Wall Street is basically Milo Minderbinder)

Starting Five

1. Go Routes to the West Coast

Percy Harvin to the Seattle Seahawks, Anquan Boldin to 49ers. (It’s March. Must we really talk about the NFL right now?). Yes, Adrian Peterson — the league MVP –called his now former teammate Harvin “the best all-around player I ever seen”, but it’s about being paid, brow. There were a dozen Vikings earning more than Harvin’s $2,043,800 salary, including AD, who was earning more than five times as much. Harvin actually earns less than Christian Steele-Ponder. We were most surprised to learn that former ND offensive lineman John Sullivan makes $4,000,000 per year. That’s more than Joe Montana ever earned.

Trading snow boots for an umbrella: Harvin heads to the Emerald City

2. Brent Musburger Files

Now this is what’s known as a bad, bad beat. Iona was a minus-4 favorite, had an 8-point lead over Manhattan in the MAAC championship game with less than five seconds remaining, and still failed to cover. Why? The Jaspers hit a three with :01 left and then the Gaels rushed the court to celebrate their automatic NCAA tournament bid before the clock expired. The refs T’d up Iona, resulting in two Jasper free throws. From 60-52 to 60-57 in literally one second of play.  Expect ESPN editor-in-chief/gambling expert Chad Millman to devote an entire issue to this game.

3. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been a teenager and driven irresponsibly (five teens in the 1980s who had a 45-minute one-way commute to our Phoenix high school probably endured created six to seven near-death experiences that our parents are still blissfully unaware of). So, yes, it’s a tragedy that six teens died in Warren, Ohio, over the weekend when their (reportedly stolen) SUV flipped and landed upside down in a shallow swamp. The driver had been speeding and “driving crazy”, says one of two survivors from the wreck. Was the car stolen and what were eight adolescents doing out on a joy ride at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning are responsible questions to ask.

But teenagers and cars will always be a toxic mix. Ask any actuary. Also, this unconscious young man in Iowa was pulled from his burning vehicle by a police officer, saving his life. How did the teen get into this trouble in the first place? He was doing doughnuts in the snow when he crashed into a wall.

4. Naked men assemble in Vienna to attend an art exhibit, while men in robes assemble at the Vatican to select a new pope. Meanwhile, the word out of Castel Gandolfo is that recently retired Pope Benedict XVI has already gone through seasons 1-3 of Breaking Bad on Netflix. Meanwhile, the New York Times is reporting that American cardinals Seamus O’Malley and Timothy Dolan (who is not the GM of the New York Knicks) both have an outside shot of being elected pope. How cool would that be: If the pope were American and the president were not?

Tim Dolan: God, Ireland and the NEW YORK YANKEES! (not in that order)

5. For what it’s worth, the nation’s scoring leader (Erick Green of  13-18 Virginia Tech, 25.4 ppg), the nation’s rebounding leader (Andre Roberson of 20-10 bubblicious Colorado, 11.5 per game), the nation’s assists leader (Jason Brickman of 19-13 LIU Brooklyn), the nation’s steals leader (Anthony Hickey of 18-11 LSU, 3.07 per game),

Bader and his sweet long-range jumper will be one of the many superlative aspects of college hoops missing from this year’s tourney.

the nation’s three-pointers per game leader (Travis Bader of 16-16 Oakland, 4.19 per game) and the nation’s blocked shots leader (Nerlens Noel of 21-10 Kentucky, who is recovering from an ACL tear, 4.42 per game), will all likely be absent from this month’s NCAA tournament. That’s madness. Roberson, whose Buffs most likely need to win at least two games at this week’s Pac-12 tourney, has the best chance of having at least one shiny moment.

Reserves

Without a doubt the most joyous aspect of this story is the idea of anyone shouting “anti-Spokane rhetoric.” As in, “You’re no Tacoma!” or “Couer D’Alene has it all over you punks!” So if you couple the idea of USC (14-17) basketball players getting into a fight hours after losing by 25 points at Wazzu (!) with the postgame locker room fracas at the Sun Bowl after the Trojans lost to Georgia Tech (!!), all we can say is that USC is sorely in need of an athletic director with the wisdom and virtue of a guy like alumnus Pat Haden. If only he were working inside Heritage Hall.

The story noted that a USC seven-footer or two was involved in the fracas and perhaps not coincidentally, the Trojans have suspended both of their seven-foot centers, Dewayne Dedmon and James Blasczyk. This reminds me of the former Detroit-area hoops star (name currently escapes me) who descended into drugs and booze and decided to rob a convenience store. When the clerk recognized him, our bungling basketball burglar replied, “It isn’t me.” (Maybe he was just trying to quote Bob Dylan).

Where were Roger and Rerun to keep Dewayne out of trouble?

Also out west,  Gonzaga dominates St. Mary’s. After clinching the WCC championship and in all likelihood the No. 1 seed in the West (as predicted here a week ago), the Bulldogs and their fans could be heard shouting pro-Spokane rhetoric.

Remote Patrol

Summit League Championship Game

North Dakota State vs South Dakota State

ESPN2, 9 p.m.

You’ll want to watch SDSU’s Nate Wolters. Earlier this season the 6-4 senior scored 53 points against IPFW (Indiana-Purdue at Fort Wayne), the highest total of anyone this year. Wolters leads the 24-9 Jackrabbits in both scoring and assists and is second in rebounding. Also, how often do y0u get to see a Dakota on TV without having to sit through “I Am Sam?”

Starting Five

1. “There are no second acts in American lives” — F. Scott Fitzgerald

Zelda’s husband never met Tiger Woods, who cruised to victory at  the WGC Cadillac Championship, his second PGA Tour win of 2013. Woods, who had dropped to as low as 58th in world rankings in the aftermath of his skank-shank debacle, has now risen to No. 2. He has five PGA Tour victories in the past year, more than anyone. And with 32 days before the world’s best golfers tee off at Augusta, there seems to be less drama concerning whether Tiger (who now has 76 career PGA Tour victories in 18 years, second only to Sam Snead’s 82, which took him 12 more years to accrue) will don another green jacket as to whether the first female to greet him will be ex-wife Elin Nordegren or current flame Lindsey Vonn.

Tiger Woods, located at the intersection of Boo Weekley and US Weekly

2. Indiana and Michigan, both 25-5, engage in a classic. The B1G has owned the drama in college basketball this winter — the ACC is an afterthought, while the Big East is a couple headed for divorce — and yesterday’s contest in Ann Arbor was just the latest example. The No. 2 Hoosiers overcame a five-point deficit in the final minute to prevail 72-71 after seven-footer Cody Zeller scored the game-winning lay up with 13 seconds remaining. Zeller finished with 25 points and ten rebounds as IU earned its first outright B1G regular-season title in two decades.

Zeller may be the B1G/National Player of the Year, but we love Victor Oladipo, the Michael Kidd-Gilchrist of the 2012-2013 season.

It’s CZ

3. Another era, another Jordan, another iconic dunk… DeAndre Jordan of the Los Angeles Clippers drinks Brandon Knight’s milkshake.

Scare Jordan

Knight mare

4. Don’t Laugh Over Spilled Milk

It’s called “Gallon Smashing“, and it’s the most fun any college or high school student has had in a supermarket since the boys from Delta House went shopping for their party. Or at least since the turkey bowling rage of the 1990s. It’s definitely cutting into the Harlem Shake’s 15 minutes of viral fame. But, not everyone is amused.

5. Over at 30 Rockefeller Center Justin Bieber Timberlake joins the “Five-Timers Club” at Saturday Night Live. As the only five-time host of SNL under the age of 50, Timberlake, 32, is lapping the field in his era of stardom. Even if he doesn’t play the banjo. He did, however, apparently get a subtle dig in on Kanye West during a song (joining Taylor Swift among SNL hosts who have done this) (editor’s note: Jay-Z enjoyed a pre-performance meal at your favorite steakateria).

Tofu manchu

The most Timberlakian skit –and consider how much time had to be put into just this singular effort (you can’t do this by reading cue cards) — had to be “Bring It On Down To Veganville.” Anyone who can rhyme “adult ingredients” with “bowels expedient” deserves a hand.

And if you can only see one romcom starring a member of the Timberlake family, wouldn’t you rather see “She’s Got a D!&k” than “Playing for Keeps”? (alright, I’ll go see ’em both. Shhhh!)

 Reserves

Remember when Kramer taught the Dominicans how to roll as if they were Cubans? Now Costanza’s former employer, the New York Yankees, have a Cuban whom they hope will roll like their Dominican. Cuban defector Ronnier Mustelier is the talk of training camp in Tampa and he could just open at third base. The Yankee brass (“brass” is sportswriter speak for “guys who pay the salaries”) refer to Mustelier of a “natural-born hitter”, which is funny because their All-Star second baseman, Robinson Cano of the Dominican Republic, is exactly that.

Mustelier, 28, could be the answer to “Who replaces A-Rod at third?”

We came across this photo of Gibraltar Airport (thanks to Richard Deitsch of SI for the inspiration). That’s pretty intense. Look closely and you’ll see that there’s a road that crosses the runway. You can taxi from your taxi.

Over at ESPNW.com Sarah Spain pens a column about how men are jerks the many excuses males make when dismissing the idea of women as sports analysts. Her list is solid, but for me her opening graf, in which she describes what would seem like a stereotypical dreamy male suitor, contradicts her argument. Exchanging one stereotype for another. Obviously, Sarah (whom I do not know) disagrees and did so on Twitter. You can be the judge. As one of our favorite readers quipped, “The strain of Spain falls mainly on the vain.”

The Heat win their 18th in a row; the Blackhawks lose their second straight.

Mariano Rivera will retire at the end of the 2013 season. In NYC the talk is about how, if Derek Jeter and Mo are not unanimous first-ballot Hall of Famers (no one has ever entered Cooperstown on a unanimous first ballot), then the Baseball Writers Association of America are the hoary trolls that we have always suspected them to be.

So now Oscar Pistorius’ attorneys, while arguing that he is not a flight risk, are appealing the bail condtion that mandates he be prohibited from taking flights. Also, they are appealing the alcohol ban while arguing that he has no intention of imbibing spirits. And remember, he shot someone four times because he thought they might be an intruder… who was hiding in the toilet…who apparently never identified themselves and so why wouldn’t you shoot them first?

Remote Patrol

Once again, a protest post. Saint Mary’s and our favorite scruffy mutt, Matthew Dellavedova, meets top-ranked Gonzaga in the WCC Championship game from Las Vegas at 9 p.m, but it will not be televised (ESPN3 does not equal television). Also, the second- and third-best teams in the NBA, Oklahoma City and San Antonio, meet deep in the heart of Texas but you’ll only see it if you have NBA TV.

“No, you’re a genius because you can’t make a lamp.”

Given all that, I’m recommending “The Breakfast Club”, the best of John Hughes’ films, on AMC at 8 p.m. Eminently quotable (as our friend at ESPN Josh Krulewitz loves to say, “Demented and sad…but social.”) , and I’m serious when I say that Judd Nelson deserved at least a Best Supporting Actor Oscar nomination.

By Katie

This is not a picture of me, but I do like it.

I just finished watching Playing for Keeps. Yep, that’s how bored I was this evening. It was so good I immediately logged on here so I could tell you all about it. Oh, I also looked at the last post I wrote to see if by chance there were any new comments (there was! Joy!) and noticed I wrote “new” instead of “knew” in a sentence where it definitely should’ve been “knew”, not “new”.

I love when stuff like that happens. I like to feel like a dipshit at least once a day. Actually that’s not right; if I can get through a day only feeling like one once, it’s a victory.  I average about 4 times…this morning I was driving around trying to find a particular coffee place and I was so lost I had to pull over and call the person I was supposed to be meeting for help. They patiently talked me through my directionally challenged haze, as they watched me through the window of the coffee shop, which I was parked directly in front of. That’s not the worst “I’m lost” story I have, either– the worst was the time I called Batteries Plus to ask directions…from their parking lot. I was so embarrassed when I realized what I’d done, I went right in and bought some batteries. You thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you? I needed the batteries, and  I’m too old to care anymore. That’s what freedom feels like.

Back to the movie. Look, I knew it was going to be horrible. We all did, didn’t we, back when Gerard Butler was making radio ads to promote it? “Hi, I’m Gerard Butler and you should see my new movie, Playing for Keeps!” Remember those? What? You can remember all the way back to two months ago? You. You stop with the false modesty, you’re not fooling anyone. But the star of the movie begging people to go see it on local FM is a sure sign of a winner.

Gerard Butler has made exactly one good movie, and that is Phantom of the Opera.* YES IT WAS GOOD, OTHERWISE WHY WOULD I HAVE SEEN IT IN THE THEATER NINE TIMES?

Playing for Keeps. Gerard is an old ex-professional soccer player who used to be all fancy and rich, and now is basically an unemployed bum (there’s lots of funny* stuff about how he has to ditch his landlord all the time because he is dead-ass broke).  He’s got a nine-year-old son and an ex-wife with whom he is naturally still in love, played by the lovely Ms. Jessica Biel (sporting some weird sister wife hairdo*). Gerard has done the still-in-love-with-the-ex-wife thing before, only Jennifer Aniston played the hair last time. I mean the wife.

Anyoots, G. decides to coach his son’s soccer team in an effort to be a better dad (we never know why his wife dumped him or why he was a bad dad to begin with, we just know that’s the case because Jessica Biel has a real sour look on her face and her arms crossed every time she talks to him) so naturally, every kid’s mom starts throwing themselves at him because soccer moms are a horny and dissatisfied bunch! Hilarity ensues as one after the other, Uma Thurman, Judy Greer and Catherine Zeta Jones try to get some of that. That, m’friends, is good comedy. I almost forgot about Dennis Quaid…he plays the douchey guy who bribes G into letting his loppy kid play goalie and  his tone-deaf daughter sing the National Anthem before the games. Is that a thing that happens before 4th grade soccer games? No matter.  Gerard decides he wants to be a sportscaster (isn’t that what he did in that movie with Katherine Heigle?) so he makes a seriously terrible demo tape that Catherine Zeta Jones helps him market in exchange for somethin’ somethin’. Nice to see the woman sexually exploit the man, for once. Am I right, ladies? In the meantime, he starts bonding with his kid and Jessica Biel finally tucks her hair behind her ears and looks a little bit less like that kid from The Ring.

ESPN hires him, he proclaims his undying love to Jessica Biel while she’s trying on a wedding dress to marry someone else, he gets in a fist fight with Dennis Quaid and Judy Greer ends up with his landlord, who finally gets paid. I’m pretty sure it took me longer to write this post than it took to write the script. And yet, I don’t regret watching it. Go figure.

*If you are Gerard Butler, my apologies. Please know that I continue to see your movies and that you are very rich, and those two things should offer some level of comfort. 

* Not funny

*My apologies also to any sister-wives reading this. I think it’s neat that you have 18 kids and only 1/10th of a husband.