Monthly Archives: January 2013

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! 1/4

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Starting Five

1. When the referee — in this case Ron Cherry, in keeping with the “simply red” theme of the 2013 BCS bowl sesaon –announces, “We have an unusual ruling on the field”, that grabs our attention. Oregon scored a one-point safety during its Fiesta Bowl win against Kansas State (reportedly, only the fourth time this has happened in a major college football game). Briefly, the Ducks line up for the PAT, had it blocked, and then Wildcat defensive end Ryan Mueller recovered it. Mueller retreated into the endzone, then lateraled it to teammate  Allen Chapman, who was tackled by the Ducks’ Jake Fisher. So there you have it. If you had that as a prop bet, please contact us…from your yacht that is moored off the island of Ibiza.

2. “Momma, who DAT?” Wow, by the way, on that De’Anthony Thomas kickoff return for six that opened the game. Worth noting: 1. Thomas nearly stepped out of bounds as he fielded the kick, 2. Thomas was never touched, 3. the kickoff return measured 94 yards, and you may recall that Thomas had a 91-yard burst versus Wisconsin in last year’s Rose Bowl. In fact, in just two bowls, both of them BCS bowls, D’AT has touchdowns of 94, 91, 64 and 23 yards, 4. We weren’t listening, but did Brad Nessler or Todd Blackledge mention that Thomas mimicked breaking the tape as he broke the plane of the endzone? That was a nice touch. As far as we’re concerned, DAT is the offensive Clowney. Put him atop the list of Heisman contenders next season on the offensive side of the ball, just as Clowney belongs atop the list of defensive studs.

 

DAT was awesome!

3. Oh, and Oregon opens with or without Chip Kelly next season at home on August 31 versus Nicholls State.  (Chip Kelly= Ore-goner) You may recall that the Colonels of Thibodaux, La., ended their 2012 season with a trek to Corvallis, Ore, where the Beavers dammed them, 77-3. So that would be consecutive pilgrimages to the Beaver State for Nicholls State, an FCS school.

4.  Before last night’s Fiesta Bowl Dr. Lou matter-of-factly stated that this would be Collin Klein’s last football game, thus insinuating not-so-subtly that he wouldn’t be playing in the NFL (thanks a lot, Tebow). Recall that in a November cover story Sports Illustrated hailed Klein as “The Best Player on the Nation’s Best Team.”

 5. The year 2013 has had three (Bill Walton voice) “tearrrrible” calls in as many days so far. First, there was the awful fourth-down spot (actually, the spot was fine, it was the interpretation of the spot that flummoxed all of us) in the Outback Bowl. Then again, without that ridiculous spot, a nation is deprived of the Jadeveon Clowney hit. Then there was the blatant double dribble in the Blazers-Raptors game, thus proving that not even referees watch the NBA in early January. Finally, there is this game-winning bank shot from Colorado’s Sabatino Chen last night in Tucson. It’s not even close, as you can stop the tape and see the ball leaving his fingertips with 0.2 seconds remaining. Alas, Chen’s shot was waved off and Arizona (13-0) remains undefeated.

 

Reserves

Lisbeth Salander >> Rex Ryan

South African mountain biker Burry Stander, a two-time Olympian, is struck and killed by a minibus while out on a training ride. Stander was 25.

 

Jennifer Lawrence’s Vanity Fair cover. Does that cleavage look a little off to you?

Dear Congress: THIS is why we hate you. Yes, that’s $70 million of pork (pulled, we assume) for NASCAR.

The New York Knicks beat the San Antonio Spurs by 17, ending SAS’ seven-game win streak. Coach Pop’s squad was playing its fourth game in five nights (you can bet that bettors knew that). Maybe he should’ve have strategically rested them, in the home of the NBA commish, just to see what the amount of the fine would be.

 

 

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! 1/3

by John Walters | Leave a comment

Starting Five

1. The theme thus far for the 2013 BCS bowls: Simply Red. On Tuesday the Cardinal of Stanford won the Rose Bowl. Last night the Cardinals of Louisville upset Florida in the Sugar, and tonight Kansas State meets Oregon in the stadium in which the Arizona Cardinals play in the Fiesta Bowl. The garnet and gold of Florida State won the Orange Bowl. Crimson up next?

2. So Andy Reid spent nine hours talking to the Kansas City Chiefs? David Frost and Richard Nixon are impressed.

3. Ray Lewis to retire. “The greatest linebacker of all time” is, at best, a specious argument.  There is simply no fair way to evaluate players — at any position, in any sport — against one another across the pages of time. No fair way to assess Ray Lewis versus Dick Butkus versus Mike Singletary versus Ray Nitschke versus Jack Lambert versus Junior Seau. We will say two things: 1. Lewis was easily the greatest linebacker of his era and 2. Former Pittsburgh Steeler Jack Ham is probably the most overlooked great linebacker in history, but he just happened to play alongside arguably the scariest player of the 1970s, Lambert.

Jack: Both a Ham and a cheese…

4. Flori-Duh: This vignette may be the embodiment of all that is Flori-duh. It has the four elements that every solid Flori-duh tale should have at least two of: 1. Strip Clubs, 2. Horrible parents, 3. Alcohol and 4. Mug Shot. Kudos to you, Kenneth Rowe, for hitting the jackpot. In the words of Stan Verrett and Neil Everett (the best SportsCenter duo since Olberman and Patrick), “Is that bad?” “It’s not good.”

5. Notre Dame football verbal commitment Torii Hunter, Jr. (yes, that’s his dad) broke his femur  (watch closely at about the 0:40 mark) during a practice for the U.S. Army All-American Bowl. The injury was non-contact and, well, freakish. How can we be so sure that Hunter, a wide receiver, broke the longest bone in the human body? Just check out this photo  of the X-ray that he tweeted.

Reserves

Our pal Richard “e before i” Deitsch tweets out that “multiple sources” (um, Pablo Torre and who else?) inform him that guests on “Around the Horn” earn $1,000 to $2,000 per episode. It would only seem right that the guys who bow out early each day earn less, no? Then again, once you tell us that Tim Cowlishaw is earning $1,000 per episode of ATH, all arguments about what “seems right” fly out the proverbial aperture.

Did Master of the House John Boehner really tell Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Go f___ yourself!” outside the Oval Office? Honestly, the only way to solve this debt crisis is to fly Suge Knight to Washington, have him dangle each of those two by a leg from atop the Capitol Rotunda and threaten to release them unless they meet one another halfway. Ask Vanilla Ice. It’s an effective tactic.

“Are you kidding?” Heather Cox is as nice and genuine as sideline reporters come, and yet even she had to vent when a Rose Bowl stooge official pulled Stanford coach David Shaw away in the midst of her post-game interview. Much of the interview, in fact, looked as if Shaw and Cox were line dancing.

Here’s why Notre Dame should be, if not afraid of Alabama, at least respectful. Check out the size of this feral pig that was shot there just six years ago and of this gator that was caught there just last year. And then there’s D.J. Fluker…

“Mommy’s on fire!” was an even more unexpected quote from an ESPN babe that could be heard on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. That’s Hannah Storm talking to the Gyllenhaalianly handsome David Muir about her propane grilling accident. Navel-gazing? A public service? Exploitation? We wish Storm a full recovery, but we just wonder why this is a story on World News Tonight.

The true Walking Dead? Crystal meth addicts. Here’s the visual evidence.

 Simple thought on The Tebow: Rex Ryan, who  is still the coach of the New York Jets, is a risk taker and a renegade. So it stands to reason that given the circumstances late in the season, and given the earnest and team-first attiude of Young Mr. Tebow, and given Rex’s “Why the hell not?” attitude when it comes to most zany ideas involving sports and life in general, that he would have at least given Tebow a few snaps. You’d think that, wouldn’t you, particularly since Ryan watched Tebow lead Denver one year ago on an amazing fourth-quarter comeback that resulted in a win against his own Jets team. That loss was the difference between the Jets missing out on the playoffs and the Broncos earning a berth.
So, given all of the above, assuming you agree with my reasons, Ryan would have at least rolled the dice with Tebow for a few series. Which leads me to deduce that Ryan was always dead-set against the Jets acquiring Tebow and that he was furious when those above him went ahead and did it anyway. Rex’s refusal to play Tebow was about more than Tebow not being an NFL-caliber quarterback. It was a show of potency by Rex (which, by the way, is the Latin word for “king”) to remind Jet management that they may be able to tell him who will be on his roster, but they cannot tell him whom to play. And, of course, Tebow became the martyr.

If you want to give your child some freak-ass hippy name ,  do NOT move to Iceland, where the government actually keeps a list of acceptable names. This may explain why there are no great Icelandic football players in the SEC (Barkevious? Jadeveon?)

This is the story I wrote on Vontaze Burfict, the rookie Cincinnati Bengal who some teammates have hailed as the team’s MVP (and the tiger are playoff-bound), last March. Obviously, he the Cincinnati Bengal rookie showed me and a lot of other doubters. Still, he was both inconsistent and impertinent in his final season as a Sun Devil. The folks who evaluated him at the NFL combine and off his junior year tape were not wrong. People who knew him very well were telling me that he wouldn’t even talk to them, that they had no idea what was going on with him. At the time they were right. Burfict got his act together. Good for him.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! The “In Numerical Order” edition, 1/2

by John Walters | 1 Comment

Starting Five

1. The aftershocks of Hurricane Clowney continue to reverberate. The South Carolina defensive end’s hit on Michigan’s without-hap Vincent Smith was of the order that immediately when it struck, there was no doubt it was a classic. Both a helmet and a football flew askew, as if Smith were Charlie Brown and someone had just taken his patented slowball pitch back up the middle. This is the type of hit, such as when Alabama’s Cornelius Bennett pulverized Notre Dame quarterback Steve Beurlein in 1986 (the last time the Tide beat the Irish, by the way) that will be remembered for years. Our only question: Why did last night’s SportsCenter put it as the fifth or sixth story? Were they actively teasing us? That’s our only answer. Yes, there were bigger games (Rose Bowl, for one) than the Outback Bowl, but Clowney’s hit is all that anyone was talking about. Noted football scribe and rub aficionado Andy Staples of SI.com wisely focused his entire story on the hit…because that’s what we wanted to know. (Our question: Where are the Vincent Smith quotes? For him the Outback Bowl was nearly the Knockout Back Bowl…okay, we’re stretching on that one).

Attacks this violent are usually seen on Animal Planet.

2. On a Chamber of Commerce day-quality afternoon in Pasadena, Stanford defeats Wisconsin and its throwback coach, Barry Alvarez, in the 99th edition of the Rose Bowl. ESPN squanders a prime opportunity to bill this contest as a battle between schools whose famous alums in other sports found infamy in Las Vegas: Suzy Favor Hamilton versus Tiger Woods. (Note: Cardinal coach David Shaw is 23-4 in two seasons on The Farm; honestly, top academics, the deepest endowment west of Cambridge, Mass., sublime weather, Stewart Mandel on your doorstep, a gorgeous campus: Why would any five-star recruit with an ounce of sense NOT head to Palo Alto? Even Mark Zuckerberg up and moved from Harvard to the area, and he’s no idiot).

3. Why not? Well, yesterday ESPNU aired a practice from the Under Armour All-American Bowl, too (we were quietly hoping for someone to get booted from practice, or at least to see the coaches have the kids do suicides up to the 25-yard line at the end of practice). At one point, probably to quell the drama, they posted a chart of the top five reasons top recruits choose a school. “Academics” was not one of the reasons listed (“Coaches” was the top reason, at 35%). Also not listed, although we believe they play a major role, were “Climate”, “Cool Ass Uniforms”, and “Quality Honeys Like the Ones We Met on Our Official Visit.”

4. As our vehicle was last seen careening toward the Fiscal Cliff, we hopped out a la Harold in Harold and Maude at the last moment and avoided oblivian (or, in Mike Tyson’s case, “Bolivian”). For the moment. The House of Republicans Representatives passed a bill by a vote of 257-167 (which, ironically, was the same spread for the Heart of Dallas Bowl) that will raise taxes on those individuals earning more than $400,000 per year (We’re screwed!). It’s the first time in 20 years taht federal taxes have been raised for any Americans. By the way, how many Americans earn more than $400,000 per year? Less than 2%. Meanwhile, the real problem –cutting spending– will need to be addressed in the next two months. And if you want to sing out, sing out/And if you want to be free, be free…

We’ve always wondered how he was able to leap from the car, save the guitar as well, and it still be in tune…

5. The Clippers lose at Denver, halting their win streak at 17. You sort of saw this coming after a home-and-home with the Salt Lakers (such a superior name to Utah Jazz, no?) and then having to fly back toward, and this time over, the Continental Divide. We’re going to blame it on being in Denver on December 31: New Year’s Rockies Eve!

Reserves

Somehow, we doubt that outside of his family, few people will have empathy for the paparazzo (the singular of paparazzi) who was struck and killed by a vehicle while shooting photos of Justin Bieber’s white Ferrari yesterday. The Biebermobile had just been pulled by the police over on Sepulveda Blvd. near the Getty Center in Los Angeles (we know the road well) but Biebs was not inside. The photographer, a 29 year-old man whose name has not been released, arrived and shot the photos. As he was crossing the road to return to his vehicle, he was hit.

 The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania vs. the NCAA may be even bigger than Alabama vs. Notre Dame. Penn State took the deal, you must remember, but it appears that state officials are lathered up by the fact that the $60 million in fines that the university has agreed to pay Mark Emmert’s association are not being used in the Quaker State itself. Our prediction: this entire harrumphadoodle will wind up costing Pennsylvanians even more money. It may soon be known as, if it is not already, the Commonpoverty of Pennsylvania.

Saw the extended trailer for World War Z post-Orange Bowl last night. The star of the movie appears to be Brad Pitt’s hairstyle (which, suspiciously, looks a lot like Jennifer Aniston’s). Dig it: We unabashedly (with absolutely no bash, not even Dana Bash) loved this zombie apocalypse book and agree with Tweeps who say that it should’ve been a series (a la “Game of Thrones”).

Cinematically, we are trying our best not to be Z-nophobes

The book had too many storylines for a two-hour feature (or even a three-hour feature) that centers on one man and his family. Sure, we should reserve judgment until the film disappoints us, but if the trailer was any harbinger, it already has. That said, we are looking forward to “The Battle of Yonkers.”

In news that relates to both the Clippers and to untimely deaths, the son of  team owner Donald Sterling was found dead at a home in Malibu. Scott Sterling, 32, had not been seen for a couple of days. Investigators, according to the Los Angeles Times, were looking into the death “as a possible drug overdose.”

The Lakers lose at home to the Philadelphia 76ers and Kobe Bryant calls his team “old.” This is not news. Loss Angeles, 15-16, is a team with plenty of chefs but no prep cooks, no kitchen staff, no waiters, no hostesses. You need a little bit of everything to form a successful restaurant.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING! 1/1

by John Walters | Leave a comment

New Year’s Day. A bounty of bowls and beers and we plan on getting in as much physical activity as Charlie Bucket’s grandparents. Hence, a special dusk edition of IAH. As our friend Frosty the Snowman would say, “Happy New Year!” (Oh, wait: Frosty said, “Happy Birthday!” We’re already losing it).

Starting Five

1. CLOWNEY! Last month South Carolina sophomore defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, the nation’s No. 1 overall-rated recruit two years ago, openly stated that he plans to win the Heisman Trophy next season. In the fourth quarter of today’s Outback Bowl, Clowney submitted his first highlight hit of the calendar year (but not the 2013 season) when he Doppler Effected Michigan’s Vincent Smith. Clowney’s blow, which came one play after the Wolverines received a bogus first-down spot from the referees, knocked the helmet off Smith’s head and the ball out of his hands (Clowney recovered the fumble with one paw). In lieu of flowers, the Smith family requests that you not send GIFs of the hit to their email address. Thank you.

Clowney: One letter separates “best” and “beast”

 

2. “Even the losers/Get lucky sometimes…” The Charlotte Bobcat Goldthwaits end their 18-game losing streak (not to be confused with last season’s 23-game losing streak) with a 91-81 victory at Chicago. The Bulls never led but were tied with Charlotte at the beginning of the 4th quarter. That’s when Goldthwaite coach Mike Dunlap decided to scrap the playbook and simply allow his players — such as Kemba Walker, who had a team-high 18 points — simply to play. Thus began a 10-0 Bobcat run. Why don’t more coaches do this?

Also, Northwestern ends a nine-game bowl losing streak that extended back to the Truman Era (1949) with a 34-20 Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Bowl defeat of Mississippi State. Cat coach Pat Fitzergald notes that he always tells his players to “act like you’ve been there before, but we’ve never been here before.” At least not in any of their lifetimes.

3. ESPN anchor Hannah Storm returns to the air after a three-week TV absence following a scary home accident in which she suffered first- and second-degree burns in a grilling accident (no, she was not freebasing propane…okay, that’s insensitive). Storm co-hosted ABC’s telecast of the Rose Bowl Parade with former SportsCenter pardner Josh Misdemeanor Elliott.

4. Ubiquitous Taylor Swift performs two songs for ABC’s first Dick Clark-free New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in Times Square. Swift is now No. 2 on the all-time list of musicians who have performed live in Times Square, trailing only the Naked Singing Cowboy…whom she may very well some day date.

5. Two historical errors from Djanjo Unchained: 1. A screen crawl in the opening scene informs us that the year is “1858…Two years before the start of the Civil War.” Except that the attack on Fort Sumter took place in 1861. Even if you argue that that this was less than three years, why confuse the audience by saying two years. 2. Dynamite plays a major role in the plot in the film’s final 15 minutes…except that dynamite was not invented until 1867.

Reserves

USC loses to Georgia Tech in the Sun Bowl, 21-7, in the process becoming the first school since Mississippi in 1964 to open the season ranked No. 1 and finish it unranked. We are shocked. There was a time when the Rebels were ranked No. 1 in the preseason?

One of the men who puts the “wit” in Twitter (because T’ter is too difficult to pronounce, Cecil Hurt, tweets: “My new dream for the bowl season is to see Jadeveon Clowney put a full-speed hit on the Stanford band.”

Anybody, Anybody?

A few days ago we noted that our boss at the steakateria posited that no actor is more indelibly associated with one role than Matthew Broderick as Ferris Bueller. Perhaps. We solicited, on Twitter, some other suggestions. Here they are, along with some of ours.

The ground rules, although you don’t really need them, is that it’s about playing an iconic character and also about not having a career in which you played a multitude of such (sorry, Jack Nicholson and Tom Hanks). No one, by the way, was as overwhelmingly mentioned as our first name on the list.

But what ever became of Sloane?

1. Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars

2. Judy Garland as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz

3. Humphrey Bogart as Rick Blaine in Casablanca

4. Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs

5. Jon Heder as Napoleon Dynamite –Gol!

6. Ralph Macchio as Daniel-son in The Karate Kid

7. Gene Wilder as Willie Wonka in Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

8. Charlton Heston as Moses in The Ten Commandments

9. Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates in Psycho

10. Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

I’m sure we’ve missed some obvious ones. Do be a dear and submit your suggestion. Thanks.