The gang at Dunder Miflin, who are not particularly great at pushing paper but do have NBC’s highest-rated sitcom, will call it quits after the ninth season wraps. Their immortal forebears at Wernham Hogg punched the clock after just two seasons.

Life is stationery

If we were to create a Hall of Worthy (and we just may… you cant’ stop us!), ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit would make it (in fact, so would his hair). Last night the Gameday dreamboat distributed his 12th annual Herbie Awards, his preseason picks of college football’s top players and teams. Here’s a rundown of his standard awards…

Running Back: Marcus Lattimore, South Carolina

Wide Receiver: Marqise Lee, USC

Quarterback: Matt Barkley, USC

Tight End: Tyler Eifert, Notre Dame

Defensive End: Sam Montgomery, LSU

Defensive Tackle: Star Lotulelei, Utah

… as well as a few of his more creative ones:

Most Exciting Player: Tavon Austin, West Virginia

Best-Kept Secret: Le’Veon Bell, Michigan State

Ahead of the Curve: Marcus Mariota, Oregon (true frosh QB)

Ankle Breaker: Denard Robinson, Michigan

Basic Instinct: Chris Borland, Wisconsin

Herbie, but not the dentist

Oh, and Herbie strays far from the reservation for his National Championship Game pick. Not only does the former Buckeye QB not have an SEC team winning it all, he does not even have one advancing to Miami Gardens. Herbie’s pick is Florida State, which has already booted off All-American cornerback Greg Reid for the dreaded violation of team rules, over USC.

Canadian rocker Avril Lavigne says “I’m With You” to Nickelback lead singer Chad Kroeger. “Making beautiful music together” strictly in a figurative sense.

Adam Dunn of the Chicago White Sox is in the midst of 1.) an historic season because 2.) he could be the first player in Major League Baseball to emulate a feat thus far performed only by the otherwise inimitable Babe Ruth. What has Dunn done, or attempting to do? The imposing 6-6, 285-pound designated hitter leads the MLB in three major categories: Home Runs, Walks and Strikeouts. No one has ever done that besides the Sultan of Swat, who did so in four different seasons.

A comparison of stats, though, shows two marked differences: 1. Dunn is batting .206, while Ruth never hit less than .323 in those four seasons, and 2. Dun has already struck out 177 times, while Ruth never whiffed more than 93 times in a season. This is not tectonic-plate shifting news, but Babe Ruth was a better hitter than Adam Dunn.

Player, Year                               HR                   BB                      K                       BA

Babe Ruth, 1923                           41                      170                      93                       .393

Babe Ruth, 1924                           46                      142                      81                        .378

Babe Ruth, 1927                           60                      137                      89                       .356

Babe Ruth, 1928                           54                      137                      87                       .323

Adam Dunn, 2012                       36                       89                       177                     .206

Should we simply remember 2012 as the year in which Newsweek and Time were edited by horny eighth grade boys?

Here’s this week’s Newsweek’s cover:

…and here’s last May’s Time cover:

Your move, “The Economist.”

Sports Illustrated college football depth chart: Austin Murphy, Andy Staples, Stewart Mandel, Lars Anderson and now Pete Thamel comes over from the New York Times and Thayer Evans from Fox Sports. It’ll be interesting to see how SI rotates everyone this autumn. Full disclosure: Murphy has been a friend for more than 20 years and has been at SI since the mid-Eighties, but his limited web presence has made him somewhat obsolete among the sexting generation. Does he care? Will this in any way impact his status as the magazine’s shutdown fullback of sorts on college football coverage?

With looks like this, Austin should be more visible

Admire the Prague (Okla.) High School valedictorian, Kaitlin Nootbaar, for refusing to cave on the “hell” issue (officially, we are ranking her atop our “Most Admired Nootbaars” list and dedicating this link to her [ “You can stand me up at the gates of HELL…”]). And a warning to the Prague educational administrators: Heck hath no fury like a woman scorned. On the other hand, who majors in marine biology at Southwestern Oklahoma State?

Who are Cyrus Gray and Joique Bell? They are the only two running backs averaging more than 60 yards per game in the preseason. Gray, a rookie out of Texas A&M who was taken in the sixth round, is hoping to stick with the Kansas City Chiefs. Bell, 26, a Harlon Hill Trophy winner at Division II Wayne State, has spent most of his previous two seasons on practice squads and is looking to land with the Detroit Lions.

ESPN “SportsCenter” stalwart John Anderson co-hosts “Mike & Mike” with Adnan Virk this morning clad in a sherbet sweater that had a hole in the left arm… because Anderson could not find his “I Want To Be Anywhere But Here” sweater this morning.

Who said this, when, and about whom (answer at bottom): “Few of their children in the country learn English. The signs in our streets have inscriptions in both languages. Unless the stream of their importation could be turned…they will soon so outnumber us that all the advantages we have will not be able to preserve our language, and even our government will become precarious.”

MIA, Darron Thomas: The former Oregon quarterback started for the Ducks in the 2010 BCS National Championship Game versus Auburn, led them to a Rose Bowl victory in January, and threw a school-record 66 career touchdown passes (other Duck QBs include Dan Fouts and Joey Harrington). So where is he? Thomas went undrafted in April after leaving Eugene with a year of eligibility remaining and there are no signs of his whereabouts in any NFL camps.

Bottom 10th, tie game, nobody out, winning run on 2nd, and the Padres’ only legitimate power threat, Chase Headley (“Hedley!” for you Blazing Saddles fans), is up. The Pirates pitch to him with first base open. BOOM! Right-field porch homer, Padres win 7-5. The Pirates are now just 1/2 game ahead of the Dodgers for the final wild-card spot in the National League. File this loss away if it comes to that at season’s end.

According to Lee Jenkins’ terrific profile of Matt Barkley in this week’s SI, the USC Heisman Trophy frontrunner is taking one class this semester, “Macintosh, OSX, and iOS Forensics.” A reminder that another Trojan quarterback named Matt, also a Heisman candidate (and a Heisman winner), also from The OC, and also an alumnus of Mater Dei, took one class his senior season: Ballroom Dancing.

Two great Trojans

It’s also worth noting that Matt Barkley has sought out and become good friends with Louis Zamperini, the former Trojan track star whose incredible life story was chronicled in “Unbroken” (you MUST read this book if you haven’t already).

Answer: Ben Franklin, 1750s, German immigrants

Consider this our DeSean Jackson edition. We’re not really giving it our all.

Augusta National added a former United States Secretary of State and a banker whose net worth is more than $2 billion and Twitter fell all over itself as if Rosa Parks had gone Dennis Hopper in Speed. What’s the big deal? If you read the census reports, all Augusta did was admit two members of the majority, after all. Cecil Hurt of the Tuscaloosa News quipped, “Augusta National now has as many female members as Fleetwood Mac.” You can go your own way, Billy Payne.

We listened to Rumours 30 times before realizing the one named Lindsay Buckingham was not one of the two chicks.

Base thief Billy Hamilton, who began the season in A ball with Bakersfield but has since been called up to AA Pensacola (the Blue Wahoos!), has 143 steals on the season. Hamilton needs two stolen bases to tie Vince Coleman’s record of 145. The Blue Wahoos have a doubleheader versus Montgomery today, so if you’re in the Florida Panhandle, you may want to stop in to witness baseball history. Although, as one writer noted earlier this summer, Billy Hamilton already is history. He is a namesake of the game’s third all-time leading base pilferer.

Lo Blow: Notre Dame cornerback Lo Wood, the only semi-experienced cornerback on the roster, is lost for the season after suffering a torn Achilles tendon in practice. The Irish’s other starter on an island, Bennett Jackson, is a former wideout.  No big deal, it’s not as if the Irish would be facing, say, the two active career passing leaders (Nos. 4 and 14 on that list) in the nation this season or anything like that.

We don’t mind that ESPN shows the Little League World Series. We don’t mind that they conduct post-game interviews with 12 year-old boys. What we would prefer, though, is that the sideline reporter be a cute 12 year-old girl, just for the sheer awkwardness of it.

Tony Scott died by jumping off a bridge. You knew that. Scott, the brother of Oscar-winning director Ridley Scott, directed Top Gun. He also directed True Romance, a film written by Quentin Tarantino. Top Gun was released in 1986 and True Romance in 1993. A year later, 1994, Tarantino appeared in Sleep With Me, a film in which he deconstructed Top Gun, noting that it wasn’t a film about fighter jets but simply a film about wrestling with homosexuality. We always wondered if Scott and The Q discussed this.

Forbes names Jay-Z and Beyonce the “highest-paid celebrity couple” at $78 million, or less than one-fourth of what the person who bought the $337 million winning Powerball ticket in Lapeer, Michigan, will rake. It’s always better to be lucky than good.

Oh, Todd Akin. Apparently, Missourah is also the Don’t-Show-Me State.

Hernandez v. Hernandez. No, it’s not a divorce case, it’s the Mariners-Indians pitching matchup tonight as Mr. Perfect, Felix Hernandez, faces The Hurler Formerly Known as Fausto Carmona. We miss Fausto Carmona. Considering his 7.50 ERA, Roberto Hernandez probably does, too.

If only James Harden had been born in 1949 and not 1989, he’d be one of the great ABA icons, as this photo attests. Want to hear something scary? Harden only turns 23 tomorrow.

Apple (AAPL) saw its stock price jump $17.04 to $655 yesterday, the largest one-day leap for the tech monolith since May 24th. The surge propelled the Cupertino, Calif.-based company’s total value to $624 billion, making it the most valuable company of all time. Of all time. Yes, more valuable than Spacely Sprockets! Meanwhile, how’s morale at Facebook, whose stock price has nearly been cut in half since its IPO on May 18th?

And if you don’t mind us asking, Peter Thiel, is it physically possible to “pocket” $400 million?

Apple and Facebook, by the way, are located about 14 miles from one another in Silicon Valley. Apple, in Cupertino, Calif., is located on 1 Infinite Loop Drive, while Facebook, in Palo Alto, is on 1 Hacker Way.

Tony Scott pushed adrenaline as well as any Hollywood director of his time. He took his own life Sunday by jumping off a bridge in Los Angeles and there are reports that he was battling inoperable brain cancer. Whatever his reasons, we grieve for his family and friends and pay tribute to a man who entertained us for over 30 years.

We forgive him for directing two of the worst sports scenes in movie history: the shootout on the field of an NFL game near the end of “The Last Boy Scout”, and the baseball game that wouldn’t stop for a torrential downpour in “The Fan”. We forgive him because he was from England and might not have paid much attention to two distinctly non-British sports. We don’t forgive everyone on the set with him for, “The Fan”– really, not one of you had the balls to say to the director, “yeah, um…. they’d probably call a rain delay at this point.”

Tony Scott movies, good and not so good, were always a lot of fun. They weren’t going to play at any art house theaters and he was never nominated for any Academy Awards, but he sure as hell made some iconic movies that a lot of people watch every time they roll by one on cable television.

Days of Thunder? Terrible, but I’ll stay up an hour after I was going to go to bed to watch it. Cuz if you ain’t rubbin, you ain’t racin’. Spy Game? Pretty bad, but shot so beautifully and starring Robert Redford and Brad Pitt? I’m in. Beverly Hills Cop II? Funny enough. The “Unstoppable” “Deja Vu” of “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3”? I don’t remember them, but I’m sure they starred Denzel Washington and had their exciting moments. I wonder if Damon Wayons ever feels like he got screwed out of having Denzel’s career? Probably not. I know actors are all delusional, but he can’t be that far gone can he?

Anyway, back to Tony Scott. A life ended too soon, but a legacy that will live on forever on dvd and Saturday afternoon cable. Here’s a look at his five best movies.

5. Enemy of the State

This 1998 action thriller had Will Smith at the height of his powers and Gene Hackman, who’s always at the height of anybodies powers. Hackman’s character is a tip of the cap to his work in Francis Ford Copolla’s “The Conversation” from 1972. Smith plays a run of the mill DC lawyer who it turns out is not run of the mill at all. Action, deception, who’s screwing who, it’s all here in this smarter than the average summer movie.

4. Crimson Tide

Scott hooks up for the first of five movies with Denzel, this one set on a U.S. nuclear sub. Gene Hackman gives another Gene Hackman Hall of Fame performance as Captain Frank Ramsey, the old salt, a little too trigger happy leader of the sub. Denzel is the voice of reason who is forced to make the old man stand down to avoid a nuclear war. The scenes with Hackman and Washington going at one another verbally are super-charged and give you goose bumps. Watching two of the all-time greats go at it is something else.

3. Man On Fire

Denzel is just off the charts good as ex-CIA assassin John Creasy, who gets a job from his old boss, played by Christopher Walken, as a bodyguard for a young girl down in Mexico, where kids are getting kidnapped at an alarming rate. Washington is pitch-perfect as a burned out, alcoholic, lost interest in everything former somebody, who finds out that he has just enough somebody left in him to be a major bad ass. Major bad ass. Dakota Fanning is fantastic as the young girl and Christopher Walken is his usual brilliant self. Easily the most underrated movie in the Tony Scott oeuvre.

2. True Romance

Much of the credit for this one deservedly goes to the one of a kind writing of Quentin Tarantino, but it’s a movie that needed brilliant direction to stay on course. There’s a million different little things that go on in this classic, and Scott gives just enough time and space for each one to work perfectly. Brad Pitt’s cameo is the stuff of legend, but the Hall of Fame scene from this movie is between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper.

1. Top Gun

Yup, Top Gun. It’s easy to look back now and make fun of this movie, but it’s impossible to overstate the grip it had on the country when it came out in 1986. You can laugh at Def Leppard now, but the shit was awesome during it’s time. Navy jets are the backdrop to this love story between a robot and a lesbian. Kidding, see, it’s very easy to make fun of now. Then? Everyone I know saw it multiple times. Everyone I know thought that flying jets in the NAVY would be the coolest thing in the world. Everyone I know thought Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise would wage a decades long battle to be the biggest star in the world. Everyone I know thought Danger Zone and Take My Breath Away were epic songs. Everyone I know thought that Goose’s wife was as cute as a bug’s butt. Of course, everyone I know was wearing acid wash jeans too, but still.

He always showed us a great time at the movies. RIP Tony Scott.

An avowed pilgrim of all that is Bruce Springsteen, power chords, Monmouth County and red-headed women attended all three shows in the Boston area last week. He filed this report on condition of anonymity, but for those of you who may know him, the initials are BW:

They held Mass three times this week. And none of the services were on Sunday.

The leader preached to the choir, which responded in kind. And those who did not believe upon entry left converts.

This wasn’t a religious service. Though many who believe in the gospel of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band would tell you it is as congregational and spiritual as one.

In three nights – two at Fenway Park and one at Gillette Stadium – The Boss and his band of music makers played nearly 60 songs. That is not a total of 60 songs in three nights. That would be nearly five dozen different songs. And he threw in an interlude of Dream Baby Dream during Backstreets for those who want to even it out.

The list:

The Promised Land
Thunder Road (full band opening night and solo accompanied by Roy Bittan on piano on night 2)
My Love Will Not Let You Down
Night
Out in the Street
Hungry Heart
We Take Care of Our Own
Sherry Darling
Two Hearts
Summertime Blues
Wrecking Ball
Girls in their Summer Clothes
Death to My Hometown
My City of Ruins
Spirit in the Night
Knock on Wood
Does this Bus Stop at 82nd St/
The E Street Shuffle
Thundercrack
Frankie
Jack of All Trades
Prove It All Night – ’78
Atlantic City
Darkness on the Edge of Town
Open All Night
Growin’ Up
Lost in the Flood
Because the Night
Johnny 99
Darlington County
Working on the Highway

From the coastline to the city all the little pretties raise their hands

She’s the One
Shackled and Drawn
Waitin’ on a Sunny Day
Boom Boom
Drive All Night
Backstreets
Racing in the Street
The Rising
Radio Nowhere
Badlands
Land of Hope and Dreams
* * *
We Are Alive
Who’ll Stop the Rain
Rocky Ground
Jungleland
Born to Run
Detroit Medley
Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)
Bobby Jean
Glory Days
Dancing in the Dark
Quarter to Three
Tenth Avenue Freeze-out
Dirty Water
Drift Away
Twist and Shout
American Land

The performances throughout were indescribably delicious, much like the hot dog and cold beer that Springsteen ingested at the second Fenway show on Wednesday when the Pit Crew delivered them to him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuL6caer2ZI). In perfect strum while leading into Working on The Highway, Springsteen devoured the Fenway Frank and chugged the brew as the rock n roll train rolled on and on and on …

He danced by himself, he danced with a teen, he danced with a Boston policewoman. Springsteen danced and played his way into everyone’s heart. He took time to tell you who was there and had people remember who wasn’t. In a brilliant touch, he worked Johnny Pesky into My City of Ruins. He put the spotlight on the Pesky Pole to pay tribute, as well as vintage photos of the Red Sox legend on the big screens during encores of Night One.

He played to the fans, he catered to the fans. He took signs and played requests. There were setlists but the only purpose they served were to be audibled from.

Highlights? Oh, there were 57 of them. But some of superlatives came in the form of Knock on Wood, Thunder Road opening Night 2, Prove It All Night with the searing 1978 intro, Open All Night, acoustic Who’ll Stop The Rain into Rocky Ground as the skies opened Wednesday, Dirty Water, Lost In The Flood, Twist and Shout … you get the idea.

Each Fenway show rivaled a typical Yankee-Red Sox game in length … pushing four hours. It was the joy in Fenway’s miserable summer.

Don’t miss this tour. If you have seen it before, this leg will astound you. And if you somehow haven’t seen a Springsteen show, don’t deprive yourself, your parents, grandparents or kids or grandkids.

It is a show for the ages, for all ages.

The closed-captioning scrawl will always appear over the score of the game…