Starting Five

1. One week shy of 23 years after undefeated and top-ranked Notre Dame headed south to face Miami (10-1), the Fighting Irish are finally ranked No. 1 again. Notre Dame rose to the top of the polls after “mushroom-clouding” Wake Forest, 38-0, to move to 11-0. No. 2 Oregon lost in overtime to Stanford and No. 1 Kansas State became the latest victim of the SI cover jinx. The Irish, who also have the top graduation rate in college football (99%), become the first school to be atop both rankings in the BCS era.

The “No. 1” sign is lit up atop Grace Hall on the campus of Notre Dame last night

2. The Hurricanes, by the way, have self-imposed a bowl ban for this season, the second season in a row, tossing yet another sacrificial lamb at the altar of Charles Robinson and the NCAA (who are mutually exclusive, and yet are not). 

3. Speaking of bowl bans, Ohio State is 11-0 and would be ranked no worse than No. 2 in the nation in the BCS right now if only it had chosen to accept its bowl ban LAST season. But, hey, you know, the Buckeyes were in the midst of losing their final three games en route to a 6-6 campaign, so why would you want to squander such a gleaming performance by denying those Luke Fickell era gridders of their just reward. I argued in favor of the Buckeyes taking their lumps last season and was told  to sit down and shut up. Because, after all, what was Urban Meyer going to be able to accomplish in Year One in Columbus? Apparently, a lot.  

4. Get Christie Love. New Jersey governor Chris Christie (already has our vote for 2016) appears on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update” and quotes the chorus of Bruce Springsteen’s “Atlantic City.” By the way, we love the personalized fleece idea. “Hey, is that my fleece?” “Does it have YOUR name on it?” (Is it too early to request a Christmas present fleece that reads “JDubs, Serial Tweeter”?

5. Maryland joins the Big Ten, and Rutgers may soon follow. B1G commissioner Jim Delany would frack the Pope’s water supply if it meant more money for his conference. Some day we will erect a statue to Jim Delany, only that it will be upside down and it will be buried up to its ass.

Reserves

Last week’s Sports Illustrated cover story on Collin Klein by Thomas Lake was titled “27 Things You Need to Know About The Best Player on the Nation’s Best Team.” I was unable to locate the text on-line, but if you have the mag, you may notice the story construction’s resemblence to a 2007 profile of then-USC coach Pete Carroll titled “23 Reasons Why a Profile of Pete Carroll Does Not Appear in This Space.” The author of that piece, which ran in Los Angeles Magazine, is Pulitzer Prize-winning  journalist JR Moehringer. But, hey, 27 and 23 are like, four entire integers apart.

Just so you know… we love Les Miles. Always have. This is the latest reason why. He’s the Huey Long (or Willie Stark for you fans of “All The King’s Men” — and if you are not, you should be) of the SEC. What sets Les’ rants apart from, say, Mike Gundy’s, is that Les is always in control, even when he appears not to be. That “if you’re a girl” parenthetical is priceless.

USC is 7-4 and headed for a date versus the No. 1 Scoring Defense in the nation without its starting quarterback (and presumptive preseason Heisman favorite), Matt Barkley, who is dealing with a sprained or separated shoulder after taking a wicked hit in last Saturday’s ugly, soggy loss to UCLA. Penn State is 7-4 with a chance to finish 8-4 after this weekend’s home date with Wisconsin . The Trojans, No. 1 in the preseason AP poll, have clearly underachieved while the Nittany Lions have clearly overachieved. Observations?

Matt Barkley will never forget the last time he met Anthony Barr

1. Silas Redd took a calculated risk and at this point we’d say he lost. He lost because no matter what any current Nittany Lion will say publicly about their former teammate, deep down they must feel that he abandoned them in a time of crisis for what appeared to be a better opportunity (Does this make USC Paula Broadwell?). When we spoke to Mrs. Redd last summer, we inferred that she was against his transferring (again, this is only our inference). If Redd knew he’d be playing for a school that would do no better than a lower-tier bowl and the price he would pay is the compromised friendships of his former teammates, would he have still done his entire “Grapes of Wrath” exodus?

2. This is what I euphemistically refer to as a “bullshit sports column” by Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times (you should read how I really feel). Why? Well, if you read it you will ascertain that Mr. Plaschke asked Trojan head coach Lane Kiffin about his job status moments after USC loss to crosstown rival UCLA for the first time since 2006. That was the Trojans’ third loss in four games.

So Kiffin tells Plaschke that athletic director Pat Haden has assured him of his job security and invites him to phone Haden to confirm. Plaschke does, and this all happens in a short time span. So let’s invite a few hypotheticals: either Kiffin texts his boss, Haden, to inform him that Plaschke may soon phone re: this issue, or he doesn’t. Either way, when Haden (one of the smartest and, for my money, decent men you’ll ever meet) fields Plaschke’s call, he knows how this will look in the LA media if he is anything less than 100% (Did I say 100%? I meant 150%) supportive of Kiffin.

What’s the upside for Haden to be diffident at this moment? It’s a bullshit sports column because Plaschke made a phone call to an athletic director who has no reason to be candid to him and got his quotes. He made no effort to relate to readers the compromised position in which he put Haden and why any smart administrator would provide exactly this answer. In short, Plaschke’s question was the equivalent to an eight year-old asking, “Are we there yet?” and expecting an actual ETA.

3. I return to it again and again — and again — but the Zen master scene from “Charlie Wilson’s War” packs a lot of wisdom into 2:03. Lots (and lots) of college football observers thought Redd’s exodus to USC was a no-brainer back in July, but they were making this determination based on what they expected the Trojans to be. Maybe the life lesson of the Silas Redd Affair is that you should make decisions based on values as opposed to expected outcomes. You’ll be better off that way.

Starting Five

1. Hostess, manufacturer of Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs and other foods that sound like North Korean tyrants (was that wrong?), files a motion to liquidate in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. More on this in Reserves.

Farewell, my cream-filled friend

2. New York defeats San Antonio — the Knicks trailed by 16 in the second quarter but there is no such thing as an insurmountable first-half lead in the NBA — 104-100 to move to 6-0 for the first time in 19 seasons. Break up the Knicks? Hell no, just bring Amar’e back.

The rest of the Eastern Conference, with the exception of Miami, which doesn’t care, are hoping that this man can stymie the Knicks

3. ESPN.com headline: “49ers Harbaugh has procedure for heart.” Somewhere the Tin Man looks on enviously.

“They gave him a heart before me?!? What’s his deal?”

4. Vice President Joe Biden gets a cameo (video at bottom) in the season premiere of “Parks & Community” or whatever the hell that show is named. Joe did fine, but Jason Sudeikis does him better.

5. Michelle Miguel Caruso Cabrera wins the American League MVP, quite handily by the way, over Mike Trout (you do realize that the Angels have now had a Trout and a Salmon [Tim] in their outfield, both of whom were American League Rookies of the Year? If I’m the Angels, I’m signing James Halibut or Jose Talapia, pronto!)

“You voted for Cabrera? This means WAR!”

Reserves

Today’s Hostess bankruptcy illustrates exactly what this country’s polarized political climate also does: that there is blame to be shared on both sides, and until either side realizes that its most extreme elements only serve to undermine the good of the whole, we will continually fail where compromise should have won the day.

The story you may read about why Hostess went bankrupt is that 3,000 unionized workers, out of a work force of 18,500, refused to accept an 8% pay cut and a reduction in health care benefits. And that’s true. And certainly most reasonable people would agree that unions have in many circumstances become implacable and bullies.

On the other hand here is a quote from Daniel Smith, 23, who until today was earning an hourly wage of $11.64 at a Hostess manufacturing plant in Kansas: “I don’t want to lose my job. It’s Christmas time. But if I have to take cuts they’re talking about I can get more from unemployment.”

God bless us, every one.

Now, I cannot verify the facts presented in of this article, and I realize that is a union website, but it does claim that Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn was given a 300% raise, from $775,000 to $2.25 million. Should the CEO be the highest-paid employee? Almost always, yes. Does he need a 300% raise while other employees are being asked to take an 8% pay cut?

Instead of answering that, let’s talk about gay bison, shall we? Yes, bison. Now, a year or so ago I watched an Animal Planet or Discovery show that discussed how in many herds of North American bison, homosexuality takes places. As I watched footage of male bison humping one another (“you mess with the bull, you get the horns” indeed!), the narrator informed me that while it is entirely possible that some bison may actually be gay, the larger issue going on here was sexual male dominance. See, the dominant bull in the herd mates with an inordinate number of cows (known to biologists as “The DiCaprio Effect”) but it goes beyond that. The dominant male also challenges any males that dare to step on his turf, extended as it is.

Is this an inappropriate moment to tell you that I make Ding Dongs?

So, what you have is a lot of cows not being serviced as much as they’d like to be, a dominant bull who most likely also has his own reality show and spends his time building golf courses in hallowed areas of Scotland and attempting to prove that the president is Kenyan, and a plethora of sexually frustrated bulls who are left with no choice other than chastity or homosexuality (“Coming up next on ‘Lockup!'”).

So what is the answer? Are you a Socialist? I’m not. On the other hand, how much is way more than enough? Is “A Shit Ton of Money” enough? Or must you make so much money, while asking the bulls at the bottom of the herd to just squint and take it, that you actually wind up driving the herd to extinction?

I once read –and I don’t know if they still do this — that the founders of Ben & Jerry’s had a rule in place that the highest-paid employee may not earn more than seven times the lowest employee. Socialism? Perhaps. Sanity? Well, more than a company that manufactures products that everyone loves going bankrupt because they couldn’t make their salary structure work.

p.s. I know that there are more market forces at work than just this, but certainly the union’s greed and the top execs’ avarice had much to do with this downfall.

On to more cheery economic news: The New York Road Runners, a NON-PROFIT group (“If this is poverty, I cannot wait to see chastity!”), raked in $53.8 million last year, according to the New York Post. CEO Mary Wittenberg earned $501,000, which she deserves. What is curious, though, is that the NYRRC gave just $494,000 (less than 1% of its income) to charity and that it spent $72,000 on a lobbyist to give money to Road Runner youth running programs (presumably, if the NYRRC can add, they’d want a figure of more than $72,000).

*********

Notre Dame senior Lauren Chval on her classmate, Manti Te’o. Chval is talented and bright-eyed and my bet is that this young woman is going places.

The Daily Show does it again

This is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Aaron Sorkin could not have framed or written this entire scene any better.

Bill O’Reilly on the 2012 election outcome: “Traditional America as we knew it, is gone. Ward, June, Wally and the Beav…outta here.”

Or as Chris Rock likes to say: “If it’s all white, it’s alllllllll right.”

O’Reilly blames 2012 election for death of this family, which ceased to fictionally exist in 1963 (Hey, as long as Eddie Haskell survived, we’re cool)

One week before Thanksgiving — a holiday that celebrates the idea of immigrants staking their claim to an already inhabited land and using sheer might and population numbers to inexorably and irretrievably alter the demographic landscape of this land — Bill O’Reilly and Bernard Goldberg do a mutual reacharound about how the 2012 election was the death knell for “traditional America.”

Honestly,  Bill and Bernie almost make it too easy for Jon Stewart and his writing staff on The Daily Show. Stewart points out that in the 19th century the Irish were considered a minority scourge and that they were scaring the hell out of traditional America. If you don’t believe me, just ask Fielding Yost. You think the only reason Michigan did not want Notre Dame in the Big Ten was because they played their football good? You think that everyone using the term “Fighting Irish” meant it as a compliment?

Stewart nails the irony and hypocrisy of it all in this closing riff, which is five times more valuable than any civics class: “Bernie, Bill… you don’t need to worry so much. What you are demonstrating is the health and vitality of America’s GREATEST tradition: a fevered, frightened ruling class lamenting the rise of a new ethnically and religiously diverse new class, one that will destroy all that is virtuous and good and bring the American experiment crashing to the ground. Except you’re forgetting one thing: that is the American experiment. An ethnic group on America’s shores to be reviled and hated, living in squalor, or if they’re lucky, Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to (poop) on the next group landing on our shores. So relax. RELAX. Unless your name is Sitting ‘Bill’, you have no reason to complain.”

And might I add, Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

The funniest line from Stewart’s essay –and it is tangential– is here: “Back in the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ days that you (O’Reilly) miss so much, America wouldn’t even elect a Catholic president, until JFK  gave a speech assuring Protestant clergy that he wouldn’t take orders from the Pope… although Kennedy did admit he took orders from something else that starts with a ‘P’ and also resembles a wrinkled old man wearing a hat.”

****

You’re Barack Obama. You’ve just been reelected president and you’ve just seen a screening of Lincoln, a film which devotes much of its plot to relating how one of your predecessors haggled and wrangled a recalcitrant group of congressmen into supporting a constitutional amendment to liberate your very own ancestors. Moreover, these obstructionists were far more hostile than the caucus that is currently opposing you on the fiscal cliff debate, many of whom are the descendants — at least regionally and certainly politically — of the men depicted in the film. Earlier this week you pulled out your “Come at me, Bob Rumson!” line from “The American President” during your first press conference in six months. You are thinking to yourself, Lincoln had to persuade a bunch of senators and reps to free the slaves. All I have to do is persuade John Boehner and his cronies that their largest campaign contributors will survive without being able to put foies gras on their Apple Jacks. Damn, I got this.

Speaking of Lincoln, it’s going to win Daniel Day Lewis an unprecedented third Best Actor Oscar and it’ll likely win Steven Spielberg a Best Picture Academy Award. And I say this because another actor with a prominent role in the film, Jackie Earle Haley,  played Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears 36 years ago (vintage Eighties teen douche James Spader also has a role). You know what film was nominated for a Best Picture award during the 1976 Oscar telecast? Jaws.

Jackie Earle Haley as ringer Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears in 1976…

…and as racist Alexander Stephens in Lincoln, in which he agrees to vote in favor of the 13th Amendment in exchange for a date with Tatum O’Neal.

A hearty and very enthusiastic congratulations to my friend –and Jeremy, or is it Jason, London doppelganger- Steve Cannella, who has been promoted to Assistant Managing Editor at Sports Illustrated. It’s nice to see one of the good guys win.

Starting Five

2. FBI agent Fred Humphries appeared in the Seattle Times today, even though he works out of Tampa, because the photo of him below was sent to a Seattle Times reporter and other friends back in 2010. This is the “shirtless photo sent to Jill Kelley” we’ve heard so much about, but upon reading more,  we’re going to give Humphries the benefit of the doubt here that the photo is simply a self-effacing joke mixed with a sprinkle of pride about his physique. It’s a visual humblebrag. Also, the more we read about him, he appears to be a fairly principled dude, an idealist perhaps, who is willing to question authority if he believes in an issue. Careful, Fred. You may find yourself writing a blog soon.

You can see this picture recreated any Saturday afternoon in the West Village

2. Texas A&M freshman wide receiver Thomas Johnson, who had been missing since Monday, is found unharmed in Dallas three days later “with the help of Dallas police and the Texas Rangers.” We are anxious to hear what role Yu Darvish had in the discovery of Johnson, who actually had three catches for 22 yards in last Saturday’s upset of top-ranked Alabama. Johnson is third on the Aggies in receptions with 30. No word on why he disappeared or when he will return to the team.

3. Do Not Mess with the Zlatan. By now you must have seen the goal by Swedish national player Zlatan Ibrahimovic (his father is a Bosnian Muslim, his mother is Croatian, but he was born in Sweden) in last night’s match versus England. The goal, a rainbow bicycle kick from about 35 yards out, was described by the BBC as one that “combined unfathomable imagination and expert technique.” Ian Darke  referred to it as “simply fantastic.”

It was also the six-foot-five Ibrahimovic’s fourth goal of the match, which is at least equally astounding.

The most incredible part of this story? Zlatan’s goal in the inagural match in Stockholm’s Friends Arena came just hours after FIFA announced its candidates for the 10 Best Goals of 2012. This goal is thus ineligible for that prize.

4. Would it be fair to nickname Houston Rocket rookie Royce White the “Drive-By Shooter?” White, you may recall, has a fear of flying. He had yet to appear in a game this season but did accompany the team on its flight to the season opener in Detroit, before the Rockets shipped (bussed?) him off to the D-League. The question becomes, Is White’s fear of flying greater than his fear of not earning a healthy six-figure salary?

Why can’t White just travel on this ESPN bus with Breen and Van Gundy?

5. BP — British Petroleum — agrees to pay $4.5 billion in fines and penalties for the premier episode of The Newsroom for the 2011 explosion on the Deepwater Horizon and the resulting oil spill off the Louisiana coast. It may be the largest criminal penalty in U.S. history, although BP’s 3rd-quarter revenues were greater than that sum.

Reserves

We personally cannot wait until Barack Obama opens the fiscal cliff haggling process with “I am the president of the United States CLOTHED IN IMMENSE POWER!” POTUS, by the way, was scheduled to see a screening of the film tonight (Thursday ). Hopefully not at Ford’s Theater.

Just another politician from Illinois who rated well with minorities…

Christian Ponder: Man of Steele.

And now, a few words about Manti Te’o

Inspired by a morning round of tweets from yours truly

This week, full disclosure, I have been compiling a pile of data, anecdotes and other minutiae about Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o for Notre Dame’s sports information department. The project, for which I am being remunerated, has nothing to do — at least not from my end — about promoting Te’o for the Heisman Trophy, but rather its purpose is to educate Heisman voters who may be interested in learning more about Te’o.

I share that fact because deep down, unless a few extraordinary events take place the next two Saturdays, I don’t believe that Te’o will win the Heisman Trophy. And I certainly don’t believe anything that I will write will advance him any closer to doing so, although he may still tender an invite to New York City.

574 is the area code for South Bend

And yet, if you are a Notre Dame fan, or alumnus, this should not matter to you at all. Because what Manti Te’o has meant to Notre Dame over the past four-plus years (I return all the way to February 4, 2009, the day that he signed his national letter of intent) is beyond any bronze baubles. Allow me to re-type my tweets from this morning, which was more of a Twitter rant, actually:

“If I had to give Manti Te’o credit for any 1 thing, it’s that he brought sincerity and humility back to representing ND. The Clausen…

…and Tate era ended with them leaving a year early (fine) and an embarrassing presser in which an oversized illustration of the 2 of…

them served as a backdrop. It was a figurative black eye 4 program while Clausen still sported a real one. Te’o returned ideal that u..

go there inherently for its experience, not solely cuz HC has buddies in NFL Player personnel depts. ND lost its way for awhile. It took a…

Polynesian Mormon kid from North Shore of Oahu to set them straight. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Many of my sportswriter pals would roll their eyes at me whenever I’d try to explain to ’em exactly what Te’o says every time he speaks.

The difference, of course, is that he has 417 career tackles and 6 more INTs than I do. Notre Dame, honestly, has never deserved the 100%…

Devotion Manti has given it. I sometimes think he gets the school, and its essence, better than most current administrators. But then, he…

did live in Dillon. Is he Heisman-worthy? I don’t care. But he did show, like the dude on library, the diff 1 person can make.

I don’t know how many hs seniors will come to ND b/c of Manti. I DO know that scores of 7-11 year-olds will end up there b/c of him.

Those were my tweets.

A few thoughts:

— I’ve never been anything but anabashedly proud that I am an alumnus of Notre Dame, and I have always endeavored to separate my love for my alma mater and my objective coverage of its football program. I’ll leave it to others to determine if I have succeeded.

— Manti Te’o arrived at a time when Notre Dame football was at its nadir, and that’s not just about the team’s record under former coach Charlie Weis. The program — and this is particularly troubling since the team was coached by an alumnus — had lost its way. Weis was selling kids an express route to the NFL whereas he should’ve been selling them the opportunity to be a part of the most storied program in college football history (as well as one of a very few handful of FBS schools ranked in the top 20 nationally academically).

— I attended Charlie Weis’ last press conference, his last game, and his last public appearance at Notre Dame, in which he sat between quarterback Jimmy Clausen and wide receiver Golden Tate when they publicly announced their decision to forgo their final season of eligibility. I don’t fault Tate or Clausen one bit for going pro, but I wonder whose idea it was to produce a backdrop, an over-the-top mural of both players that celebrated not the school but the individuals? And there was Weis, who had promised to attend but not to speak, sitting there between them.

The William Wallace of Notre Dame football

Jimmy Clausen was a good, not great, college quarterback, but he never got Notre Dame. He never understood the experience. Which is too bad for him. Golden Tate was as fearless and often as miraculous a college wideout as I’ve ever seen, and I’ll never forget when he almost singlehandedly led the Irish back versus USC in 2009, his final season. His final touchdown catch of that game, in which he absorbed the best lick that USC headhunter Taylor Mays could lay on him and barely even flinched before tossing the ball to the ground somewhat nonchalantly, is vintage Tate. You wonder what a coach like Brian Kelly would do with Tate added to his arsenal.

— But both Clausen and Tate were just a little too savvy. A little too wise. A little too experienced and certainly in Clausen’s case, far too coy, to be representative of the student body. Te’o, if he had never played a down of football in South Bend, would typify the Notre Dame student that I knew. Now, sure, a lot of us had cheeky senses of humor, too (a la John Goodman, from what I can decipher on Twitter), but the sincerity you see on display by Te’o, the way he loves both the experience he is having at Notre Dame and the people he has met, is honest and undisguised.

— Through 21 games at Notre Dame, Manti Te’o had helped the Irish to no better than a 10-11 record. In the last two weeks of October, 2010, the Fighting Irish allowed Navy to score 35 points in an 18-point loss and then lost at home to Tulsa. In the interim student videographer Declan Sullivan died when the hydraulic lift he was standing on blew over due to wind gusts of greater than 50 m.p.h. Te’o, from what has been reported, was one of the first and one of the few players who ran through the break in the fence and actually saw Sullivan lying on the pavement in the final moments of his life.

— I remember that day well. I was there and arrived on the scene about 20 minutes after the tragedy took place. That night myself and a fellow reporter walked along the  South Quad, trying to obtain any information that we could about Sullivan from his friends and rector at Fisher Hall. It was an otherwise serene late October evening and as we walked past Dillon Hall, past the patio that sits on the front northwest corner of the dormitory, we saw a Hawaiian student strumming a ukelele. He was accompanied by a couple of other students. No one was talking. I’m pretty certain that the ukelele player was Kona Schwenke. I cannot recall whether or not Manti was among that group, but I try to imagine him that night, wondering what his college career was up to that point. He was playing for a sub-.500 team and this athlete who actually takes the time to learn the names of the Irish walk-ons had just witnessed the death of a fellow student who was part of the program.

— Since that horrible day Notre Dame is 22-5. Te’o has been the team’s unquestioned leader and more importantly than returning the Irish to the top 10, he has helped this university rediscover its identity. It is not an NFL proving ground. That is simply a corollary. There are numerous stories of how Te’o relates well to children, how he takes it upon himself to write a young cancer patient an email (and no one ever knows the better of it except that someone on the receiving end alerts the media). He is, for Notre Dame, not what SI called him — The Full Manti — but rather a Manti in full.

— As a boy I dreamt of attending Notre Dame. Loved the school. Worshipped Joe Montana and Kris Haines and Bob Crable and pretended to be them. Then I arrived as a freshman and my calculus professor spoke like Boris from the Underdog cartoons and there was this diabolical chemistry prof named Emil Hofman who made you take a quiz EVERY FRIDAY your entire freshman year. And the weather was the only thing colder than the girls.

But then, some time in the midst of my second semester, the place became home. And it has been ever since, even though I haven’t stepped foot on campus in more than two years. It will always be. I note all of this because I wonder if Manti had a similar experience. True, he was a USC fan as a kid but he obviously felt directed toward Notre Dame. Then there must have been a period of disillusionment, a battle of faith. Eventually, though, he cloaked himself in the essence of the school. There’s a story in The Observer, wonderfully written by Lauren Chval, in which the author notes that her little brother, also a Dillonite, had told her that Te’o had a habit of keeping his dorm room open and happily chatting up any freshmen who stopped by to see him in person. I can totally see that taking place. Tony Rice used to do the same thing 24 years ago when I was an R.A. in Dillon.

Anyway, this had dragged on far too long. Are you still reading? Manti Te’o arrived on campus amidst a period of darkness, of cynicism, of people fervently believing that simply being Notre Dame had no appeal to a demographic that wasn’t old enough to remember Lou Holtz or Chris Zorich. Arrived during a crisis of faith. But, simply through his actions, both on and off the field, his pureness of purpose and his uncompromising sincerity, he began to win converts. He gained a following. Opened eyes. Even people who detest Notre Dame have difficulty finding anything to dislike about Te’o. He launched a crusade simply by being true to himself.

You might even say he has been, in terms of the resurrection of this long middling program…messianic.

Starting Five

1. Here’s our favorite quote thus far concerning Jill Kelley: “There is no affair,” the senior official said. “She is a bored, rich socialite involved with every single senior commander at CENTCOM, because she worked as an honorary ambassador.” Also, if you think Kelley’s canary-yellow dress and her left arm pushing that brunette wave off her forehead was not her “Alright Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up” moment, then we need to talk about women.

“On the next episode of, The Real Housewives of The Defense Department…”

UPDATE: Jill Kelley invokes her “inviolable” right as an “honorary consul general” to keep trespassers off her lawn. This lady puts the t-i-t in entitlement.

2. “Authorities are looking into some 20,000 to 30,000 pages of documents” between U.S. Marine General John Allen and Jill Kelley. Thoughts: 1. Our minds flash back to that night last April in which we spent an hour or two poring over the text message records between Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell and having our gast flabbered by a.) the sheer volume and b) the thought of a man who has such a seemingly important job devoting this much time to an extramarital affair. 2) As Jon Stewart (fast becoming the patron saint of IAH, we know) said last night, “That would be fine if this were an affair between Stephen King and George R.R. Martin… I mean, those guys are prolific…” 3) If the past five days don’t illuminate how hilariously neanderthal the military’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding homosexuals serving in the military is, nothing will.

“C-c-c-c-c-c-catfight”

3. Let’s start casting the made-for-HBO film “Embedded”, which we are preemptively giving four stars, right now, shall we? Major General David Petraeus (Mark Harmon… Have you seen NCIS’ Nielsen ratings? ‘nuf said); Paula Broadwell (Angelina Jolie Emily Blunt (thanks to @MinnieSconnie)); General John Allen  (Chris Cooper), Jill Kelley (Marisa Tomei). Other working titles for the film include: SEMPER FlIrt, Womb of the Unknown Soldier, and, (from The Daily Show), Band of Boners.

4. People Magazine names its “Sexiest Man Alive” and, shockingly, it is NOT this man. Instead, it is the star of “21 Jump Street” and “Magic Mike”, Channing Tatum. Good-looking fellow, to be sure, but allow us to remind you that it is 2012 already and Ryan Gosling, Leo DiCaprio and Austin Murphy have still yet to win this award. A nation bows its head in shame.

Our planned wardrobe for next appearance on The Tony Barnhart show

5. No. 9 Duke beats No. 3 Kentucky, 75-68 but all you should care about is that glorious fade that Wildcat freshman seven-footer Nerlens Noel is sporting. When the given name Nerlens isn’t the most fascinating aspect of your identity, that’s something. Noel had 16 points and eight rebounds versus Duke and Miles Plumlee, a future NBA first-team All-Posterized  player.

The Fresh Prince of Lexington

Reserves 

Johnny Manziel leads Texas A&M to a glorious and magical upset of the nation’s top-ranked team — and defending national champion — Alabama, has a fun and fitting nickname (“Johnny Football” ) and has created the biggest splash in college football all season. So naturally Sports Illustrated puts Kansas State quarterback Collin Klein on the cover. Let us explain what most likely happened here. The story was hatched easily more than a week ago. At SI’s Thursday morning meeting — Thursday is SI’s Monday — everyone agreed that Klein still would get the cover. After all, the NBA preview has already come out and who’s going to buy a magazine with Matt Ryan on the cover?

Then Saturday happens. And SI has one of its top college football scribes, Andy Staples, in Tuscaloosa. But what about all that time (and money) the editors from capital “M” Manhattan have invested in the school from small “m” manhattan? So Klein, the presumptive favorite for the Heisman, earns the cover.

Nothing against Klein, who is a phenomenal quarterback, leader and person, but he is not the quarterback whose name was on everyone’s lips after Saturday. Johnny Football was.

Somewhere Mark Mulvoy is teeing up on a par-five dogleg right, wondering what has become of his magazine

Also, as this blind taste test should illustrate, Klein may not even deserve — at this moment, with two telling games remaining to be played — to finish second among quarterbacks in Heisman balloting:

Quarterback A:  No. 1 in the nation in passing efficiency; team’s record is 10-0; 28 TDs, five interceptions; 71.71% completion percentage.

Quarterback B: No. 2 in the nation in total offense; team’s record is 8-2, but both losses to schools currently in top ten; 1,000-plus yards rushing (averaging 101.4 yards per game); 18 TD passes, six interceptions; 15 touchdowns rushing.

Quarterback C: No. 8 in passing efficiency; No. 35 in total offense; team’s record is 10-0; 12 touchdown passes, three interceptions; 748 yards rushing, 19 rushing TDs.

Who are they? A is Oregon freshman Marcus Mariota, B is Johnny Football, and C is Klein.

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Also, yes, we too found the mention of “Chick-Fil-A” rather curious on the cover. After all, are any of those three undefeated teams and four one-loss schools even within a mile of being mentioned for the Chick-Fil-A Bowl? Is this product placement? Did the fast-food giant pay for this? If so, does SI have an obligation to reveal that? If not, why is Chick-Fil-A on the cover?

The Bride Wore White (and oversized gloves), The Groom Wore Orange: Two-time Olympic soccer gold medalist goalie Hope Solo, 31, and former NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, 33, both of whom have strong ties to Seattle, got into a little domestic squabble on Monday morning (i.e., late Sunday night). The police were called in to settle the dispute and arrested Stevens (we would have loved if they’d thrown a yellow flag before cuffing him).

“Here comes the bride…” (sing it with me, people!)

This would not be such a big deal except that it occurred on the eve of their wedding day. Apparently the argument centered over whether the couple would reside in Florida or Washington (Duh! No state income tax in Florida, you list it as your primary residence no matter what). This is a matter that the couple should have resolved during their six months of pre-Cana classes, but then they’ve only been dating for two months. Oh, wait, we think that’s Russell Brand and Katy Perry calling on our other line.

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We just thought you should know that more than 15,000 fans jammed Rockefeller Center yesterday for the performance by One Direction on the Today Show (in case any 7th-grade boys reading this are wondering where that cute girl who sits behind them in Earth Science missed school). Somewhere Mary Wittenberg is SMH’ing and asking, “And you thought WE were diverting resources???”

One Direction had fans in all directions (oh, I get it! Clever….)

The NBA’s most drama-devoid elite team (San Antonio) defeats its polar opposite, the Lakers, 84-82, in Los Angeles. Thus endeth the Bernie Bickerstaff coaching era at Staples Center.

Speaking of fast-ending eras, the Miami Marlins plan to trade shortstop Jose Reyes to Toronto. Ha ha ha….

Starting Five

1. While all the precincts have yet to report, we are going to award The New York Daily News with “headline of the day” for its cover,”In the Line of Booty”, featuring other other woman Jill Kelley. Both other women are married to doctors, coincidentally. We also like The Daily Show’s succinct but effective “Spyfall.”

2. In foregone conclusion news, Mike Trout (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim) and Bryce Harper (Washington Nationals) win the American and National League Rookie of the Year awards, respectively.

Harper made the cover of SI at age 16…

…while Trout had to wait until he was an old man of 21.

3. Detroit remains winless at 0-8. Coach Lawrence Frank, who, um, led the New Jersey Nets to an 0-16 start in 2009 before being fired, is in the words of Garden Stater Jon Bon Jovi, “whoa, oh, we’re halfway there.”  The Pistons absorbed a 92-90 loss at home to Oklahoma City. Detroit actually led the Thunder by 11 points entering the fourth quarter, which began with a 13-0 run by OKC. Russell Westbrook led the Thunder, playing its fourth game in five nights, with 33 points on his 24th birthday. (we erred yesterday when we said Frank’s persona losing streak is 23 games, forgetting that he coached Detroit all of las season; it’s actually eight games at the moment). 

4.  Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher hates the BCS. And he hates the playoff. From what we can deciper from his presser yesterday, he believes in a “Little Miss Sunshine” format. His quote: “I think (the BCS) stinks. I think the BCS and how we’re doing it with these computurs, I think we’re ruining it. And the playoff isn’t going to solve it, either. They’ve got to change how we pick the top teams in this country. It’s not working. I think it was better in the old days when you did it by the eye test and you didn’t have a championship game.” (more on this matter in reserves) 

5. Now that the Lakers have hired Steve Nash and Mike D’Antoni, how long until their new mascot is The Gorilla? Their new broadcaster, Al McCoy (who has been with the Phoenix Suns since 1972)? Their new p.r chief, Julie Fie (who’s held that job in Phoenix for more than 20 years)? 

Reserves

Okay, who wants to see shirtless pics of this man?

David Letterman on a recently released film: “Steven Spielberg’s ‘Lincoln’ is now in theaters… traditionally not a good place for Lincoln.”

We received word yesterday that Cortland College and Ithaca College in upstate New York marketed their football game last weekend as “the biggest little game in America” after something we wrote in Sports Illustrated. Which, hey, go ahead but we wrote that line in 1991. Cortland won, 16-10.

“I must be the WORST journalist in the world!” laughed Jon Stewart of The Daily Show after showing clips of his interview last January with heavily armed Paula Broadwell, in which he failed to pick up on any sexual innuendo that the paramour or less of General David Petraeus was offering him. “For God’s sake, the title of her book was ‘All In’. She may as well have called the book What’s Got Two Thumbs and Is Banging His Biographer? This Guy.” Our favorite line from the well-armed biographer is when she gushes, “(Petraeus) can turn water into bottled water!”

Paula Broadwell…physically, we’d describe her as ‘arm-y’

Fans of Kansas State, Oregon and Notre Dame (but especially fans of Notre Dame), please stop the insanity. It’s November 13 and you’re already bickering about which unbeaten is going to be shut out of the National Championship Game.

Allow us to make a few points: 1. These three teams still have six known opponents remaining (this IS the playoff, as Jesus Jones would say, “Right here, right now.” It’s terrible to think that you are watching it and not realizing it). Let’s rank these contests in order of “lose-ability”, shall we: 

1. Notre Dame at USC, November 24. The Trojans have spoiled undefeated Irish seasons in November in the past, most notably in Ara Parseghian’s first season in South Bend in 1964. This is truly USC’s bowl game this season, even though they will play in a lower-tiered bowl in December. 

2. Oregon at Oregon State, November 24: This is the two-blade razor effect. Stanford will set the injury-riddled Ducks up next week, giving them quite a battle but not quite getting the job done in Eugene. Then Oregon State will knock them out in Corvallis in the Civil War. 

3. Kansas State at Baylor, November 17: Of course the Wildcats should win, but the Bears can score and that makes them dangerous.

 4. Texas at Kansas State, December 1: The Longhorns have enough talent to get this done. It’s all a matter of focus. 

5. Stanford at Oregon, November 17: The Cardinal’s physical offensive line versus a depleted defensive line, due to injury, for the Ducks. The gameplan will be ball control and Stepfan Taylor. 

6. Wake Forest at Notre Dame, November 17: The only mortal lock of the sextet. The question isn’t whether the Irish will win, but whether the nation’s top scoring defense will record its first shutout of the season. 

We fully expect one of this trio of unbeatens to lose at least one game. We’re tempted to say that two of them will lose, but we’ll stick with one for the moment. Who will it be? One, we don’t know and two, it doesn’t matter. It just makes the larger point of how difficult it is for any team to go undefeated and how much more difficult each successive game becomes, particularly in November.

 In short, you don’t write a review of “The Sixth Sense” before the final reveal, and you don’t bicker about there still being three undefeated teams in college football when there are still two full weeks of the season remaining to be played.

  Our second looming point is that even with a playoff, the bickering would be just as hostile and annoying. A four-team playoff?

Great. Right now you’d begin with Oregon, Kansas State and Notre Dame. Immediately after that you have eight — EIGHT! — one-loss teams. And what if Louisville were still unbeaten? What would you do with them? This is why BCS wonks want to increase the playoff to eight teams. These are the same types of people who, if they were bartenders, would add an extras splash of tonic water to your drink to disguise the fact that they short-changed you on your Grey Goose. 

Finally, the puppeteer behind (and we use that word hesitantly) Elmo, Kevin Clash, 52, was given a leave of absence from “Sesame Street” after producers were informed of an alleged sexual relationship between he and a 16 year-old male. You’re not surprised. We’re not surprised. Moving on…

We enjoyed how Letterman introduced the Petraeus affair in his monologue. Obviously, this was the pot calling the kettle black, and Letterman knows that most of his audience realizes it. Hence, the long awkward pause and the “How about that?” before leading into the obligatory joke.