Starting Five

1. Hostess, manufacturer of Ho Ho’s, Ding Dongs and other foods that sound like North Korean tyrants (was that wrong?), files a motion to liquidate in U.S. Bankruptcy Court. More on this in Reserves.

2. New York defeats San Antonio — the Knicks trailed by 16 in the second quarter but there is no such thing as an insurmountable first-half lead in the NBA — 104-100 to move to 6-0 for the first time in 19 seasons. Break up the Knicks? Hell no, just bring Amar’e back.

3. ESPN.com headline: “49ers Harbaugh has procedure for heart.” Somewhere the Tin Man looks on enviously.

4. Vice President Joe Biden gets a cameo (video at bottom) in the season premiere of “Parks & Community” or whatever the hell that show is named. Joe did fine, but Jason Sudeikis does him better.

5. Michelle Miguel Caruso Cabrera wins the American League MVP, quite handily by the way, over Mike Trout (you do realize that the Angels have now had a Trout and a Salmon [Tim] in their outfield, both of whom were American League Rookies of the Year? If I’m the Angels, I’m signing James Halibut or Jose Talapia, pronto!)

Reserves

Today’s Hostess bankruptcy illustrates exactly what this country’s polarized political climate also does: that there is blame to be shared on both sides, and until either side realizes that its most extreme elements only serve to undermine the good of the whole, we will continually fail where compromise should have won the day.

The story you may read about why Hostess went bankrupt is that 3,000 unionized workers, out of a work force of 18,500, refused to accept an 8% pay cut and a reduction in health care benefits. And that’s true. And certainly most reasonable people would agree that unions have in many circumstances become implacable and bullies.

On the other hand here is a quote from Daniel Smith, 23, who until today was earning an hourly wage of $11.64 at a Hostess manufacturing plant in Kansas: “I don’t want to lose my job. It’s Christmas time. But if I have to take cuts they’re talking about I can get more from unemployment.”

God bless us, every one.

Now, I cannot verify the facts presented in of this article, and I realize that is a union website, but it does claim that Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn was given a 300% raise, from $775,000 to $2.25 million. Should the CEO be the highest-paid employee? Almost always, yes. Does he need a 300% raise while other employees are being asked to take an 8% pay cut?

Instead of answering that, let’s talk about gay bison, shall we? Yes, bison. Now, a year or so ago I watched an Animal Planet or Discovery show that discussed how in many herds of North American bison, homosexuality takes places. As I watched footage of male bison humping one another (“you mess with the bull, you get the horns” indeed!), the narrator informed me that while it is entirely possible that some bison may actually be gay, the larger issue going on here was sexual male dominance. See, the dominant bull in the herd mates with an inordinate number of cows (known to biologists as “The DiCaprio Effect”) but it goes beyond that. The dominant male also challenges any males that dare to step on his turf, extended as it is.

So, what you have is a lot of cows not being serviced as much as they’d like to be, a dominant bull who most likely also has his own reality show and spends his time building golf courses in hallowed areas of Scotland and attempting to prove that the president is Kenyan, and a plethora of sexually frustrated bulls who are left with no choice other than chastity or homosexuality (“Coming up next on ‘Lockup!'”).

So what is the answer? Are you a Socialist? I’m not. On the other hand, how much is way more than enough? Is “A Shit Ton of Money” enough? Or must you make so much money, while asking the bulls at the bottom of the herd to just squint and take it, that you actually wind up driving the herd to extinction?

I once read –and I don’t know if they still do this — that the founders of Ben & Jerry’s had a rule in place that the highest-paid employee may not earn more than seven times the lowest employee. Socialism? Perhaps. Sanity? Well, more than a company that manufactures products that everyone loves going bankrupt because they couldn’t make their salary structure work.

p.s. I know that there are more market forces at work than just this, but certainly the union’s greed and the top execs’ avarice had much to do with this downfall.

On to more cheery economic news: The New York Road Runners, a NON-PROFIT group (“If this is poverty, I cannot wait to see chastity!”), raked in $53.8 million last year, according to the New York Post. CEO Mary Wittenberg earned $501,000, which she deserves. What is curious, though, is that the NYRRC gave just $494,000 (less than 1% of its income) to charity and that it spent $72,000 on a lobbyist to give money to Road Runner youth running programs (presumably, if the NYRRC can add, they’d want a figure of more than $72,000).

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Notre Dame senior Lauren Chval on her classmate, Manti Te’o. Chval is talented and bright-eyed and my bet is that this young woman is going places.

The Daily Show does it again

This is so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Aaron Sorkin could not have framed or written this entire scene any better.

Bill O’Reilly on the 2012 election outcome: “Traditional America as we knew it, is gone. Ward, June, Wally and the Beav…outta here.”

Or as Chris Rock likes to say: “If it’s all white, it’s alllllllll right.”

One week before Thanksgiving — a holiday that celebrates the idea of immigrants staking their claim to an already inhabited land and using sheer might and population numbers to inexorably and irretrievably alter the demographic landscape of this land — Bill O’Reilly and Bernard Goldberg do a mutual reacharound about how the 2012 election was the death knell for “traditional America.”

Honestly,  Bill and Bernie almost make it too easy for Jon Stewart and his writing staff on The Daily Show. Stewart points out that in the 19th century the Irish were considered a minority scourge and that they were scaring the hell out of traditional America. If you don’t believe me, just ask Fielding Yost. You think the only reason Michigan did not want Notre Dame in the Big Ten was because they played their football good? You think that everyone using the term “Fighting Irish” meant it as a compliment?

Stewart nails the irony and hypocrisy of it all in this closing riff, which is five times more valuable than any civics class: “Bernie, Bill… you don’t need to worry so much. What you are demonstrating is the health and vitality of America’s GREATEST tradition: a fevered, frightened ruling class lamenting the rise of a new ethnically and religiously diverse new class, one that will destroy all that is virtuous and good and bring the American experiment crashing to the ground. Except you’re forgetting one thing: that is the American experiment. An ethnic group on America’s shores to be reviled and hated, living in squalor, or if they’re lucky, Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to (poop) on the next group landing on our shores. So relax. RELAX. Unless your name is Sitting ‘Bill’, you have no reason to complain.”

And might I add, Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

The funniest line from Stewart’s essay –and it is tangential– is here: “Back in the ‘Leave it to Beaver’ days that you (O’Reilly) miss so much, America wouldn’t even elect a Catholic president, until JFK  gave a speech assuring Protestant clergy that he wouldn’t take orders from the Pope… although Kennedy did admit he took orders from something else that starts with a ‘P’ and also resembles a wrinkled old man wearing a hat.”

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You’re Barack Obama. You’ve just been reelected president and you’ve just seen a screening of Lincoln, a film which devotes much of its plot to relating how one of your predecessors haggled and wrangled a recalcitrant group of congressmen into supporting a constitutional amendment to liberate your very own ancestors. Moreover, these obstructionists were far more hostile than the caucus that is currently opposing you on the fiscal cliff debate, many of whom are the descendants — at least regionally and certainly politically — of the men depicted in the film. Earlier this week you pulled out your “Come at me, Bob Rumson!” line from “The American President” during your first press conference in six months. You are thinking to yourself, Lincoln had to persuade a bunch of senators and reps to free the slaves. All I have to do is persuade John Boehner and his cronies that their largest campaign contributors will survive without being able to put foies gras on their Apple Jacks. Damn, I got this.

Speaking of Lincoln, it’s going to win Daniel Day Lewis an unprecedented third Best Actor Oscar and it’ll likely win Steven Spielberg a Best Picture Academy Award. And I say this because another actor with a prominent role in the film, Jackie Earle Haley,  played Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears 36 years ago (vintage Eighties teen douche James Spader also has a role). You know what film was nominated for a Best Picture award during the 1976 Oscar telecast? Jaws.

 

A hearty and very enthusiastic congratulations to my friend –and Jeremy, or is it Jason, London doppelganger- Steve Cannella, who has been promoted to Assistant Managing Editor at Sports Illustrated. It’s nice to see one of the good guys win.