IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 2 Comments

by John Walters

Port Authority Blast (no one but the suspect hurt)

 

 Photobomb?

 

Starting Five

1. Dashing Through The Snow

A fun, old-timey game in Buffalo, as the Bills defeat the Colts in overtime and six inches of driving snow. LeSean “Shady” McCoy snowshoed in from 21 yards out for the winning score that put Buffalo at 7-6 and keeps them in the running for a playoff berth for the first time since 1999 (the Bills last won a playoff game in 1995).

2. Came And Wentz

Playing not too far from Carson, Calif., Philadelphia’s Carson Wentz may have torn his ACL in the Eagles’ 43-35 win against the Rams Sunday. The Eagles moved to 11-2 but had scribes upstairs in the press box Googling the correct spelling of “pyrrhic.”

Wentz left the game late in the third quarter after throwing his fourth touchdown pass. J.J. Watt, Deshaun Watson and now this (maybe it’s a W thing?). It’s almost as if the 2017 NFL season needs to take a knee.

3. Bronx Bombshell

Aaron Judge, who led the American League in home runs as a rookie last season with 52, will now be joined by Giancarlo Stanton, who led all of baseball in home runs (and RBI) last season with 59 (and 132). Judge finished as the runner-up in AL MVP voting, while Stanton was the NL MVP.

Both are right fielders, so someone is going to move, platoon, play DH, and or shift in and out of left field with Brett Gardner. Either way, it’s move over, Mantle and Maris. And yes, Marlins co-owner Derek Jeter is finally avenging the 2003 World Series defeat.

 

In case you were wondering, Judge struck out 208 times (most in the MLB) in 2017, while Stanton whiffed 163 times (17th-most). So when you add the home runs and whiffs together, plus walks, that was 694 times last season when Judge and Stanton came to bat and did not put a ball into the field of play.

4. Red Grange & Herschel Winners

Baker Mayfield becomes the first walk-on to win a Heisman Trophy. The Oklahoma quarterback is also our Red Grange Award winner. In the preseason, we picked Saquon Barkley although Mayfield made our list of four nominees.

As for the Herschel, for the top true freshman and an award that is in its freshman year, it’s between Jonathan Taylor of Wisconsin, Jake Fromm of Georgia and A.J. Dillon of Boston College. Our hearts said Dillon, who had an amazing second half and tossed tacklers away as if they were rag dolls, but our vote goes to Taylor, who finished third nationally in rushing and had six games, or half a season, of at least 149 yards rushing. Congrats, J.T. (Dillon had five games of 149 or more yards rushing, all in the final six weeks; had B.C.’s staff started and played him more in September, he likely would have won our trophy).

5. One Day Moore

 

Tomorrow is the special election in Alabama for the vacant Senate seat Jeff Sessions left behind. In one corner you have Republican Roy Moore, who may need to take a sabbatical next May if elected to attend prom, and in the other corner you have Democrat Doug Jones, who is not Roy Moore.

 

Meanwhile, this was good. SNL’s cold open…

Reserves

Stun Devils

Not only does Arizona State remain undefeated, but Bobby Hurley’s gang takes down No. 2 Kansas at Allen Fieldhouse in Lawrence. And Duke lost, so Coach K may be ceding his team’s No. 1 ranking to his former All-America point guard….

The other great irony? Duke freshman phenom Marvin Bagley III is from Tempe and his grandfather, Jumping Joe Caldwell, was a Sun Devil star in the early ’60s. He could’ve just stayed home.

 

*****

Okay, Susie B., this is for you: MH Capital has gotten rid of all but one token share of Bitcoin Investment Trust (GBTC) in anticipation of Bitcoin futures trading. However, we did roll a lot of (not Bit) coin into Riot Blockchain (RIOT), which is much cheaper and more closely associated to blockchain technology. It’s up 19% this morning in pre-market trading. Follow me! Follow me to prosperity!

(UPDATE: RIOT now up 27% today)

Music 101

Oliver’s Army

“I made my first trip to Belfast in 1978 and saw mere boys walking around in battle dress with automatic weapons,” says Elvis Costello, referencing the inspiration for his 1979 single that shot to No. 2 on the U.K. charts. “They were no longer just on the evening news. These snapshot experiences exploded into visions of mercenaries and imperial armies around the world. The song was based on the premise ‘they always get a working class boy to do the killing’.

Remote Patrol

Patriots at Dolphins

8:30 p.m. ESPN

Brady, 40, is the NFL’s top-rated passer and his 26/4 TD/INT number is MVP-worthy

In my dream scenario, 40 year-old Tom Brady sits down with Jon Gruden at his QB Camp and goest through all the drills: the film study, the field work, the Spider Y 2 Banana. All of it. Wouldn’t that make a terrific halftime segment? Oh yeah, the Pats are 10-2 and someone in the league office likes them, giving them this trip so south Florida in mid-December (this is the 5th time in the past six years New England has visited Miami after Dec. 1).

The John McAfee “Eat My Own Duck” Meter*

by John Walters | 1 Comment

*because this is still a family blog

by John Walters

Days remaining until New Year’s, 2021: 1,120

Yesterday’s Bitcoin Price: $15,506

Current Price of Bitcoin: $15,384

Yesterday’s magic number: $848 per day.

Today’s magic number: $879 per day.

What it means: Bitcoin’s price has decreased in the past 24 hours, so McAfee’s member is in more danger than it was yesterday. Don’t go buying him any Grey Poupon just yet, but that’s today’s development as futures trading is set to begin on Sunday and the short-sellers will be able to influence the market.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Starting Five

 

1. Franken’s Time

As expected, Al Franken resigned (and Aaron Boone will soon be named the next senator from Minnesota). Whether Franken, a Democrat, was taking one for the team for a slew of groping accusations from before he was elected senator or not, the entire episode had a whiff of sexual McCarthyism to it.

Was it the right thing to do? Yes. Franken’s resignation speech was too self-referential, however, and sure, he could not resist mentioning the elephant in the room (by referencing the two elephants who were not in the room):

“I, of all people, am aware that there is some irony in the fact that I am leaving while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the Oval Office and a man who has repeatedly preyed on young girls campaigns for the Senate, with the full support of his party.”

 

So there you have it. On the donkey side, Franken’s resignation gives them the moral authority to say, At least we’re not hypocrites. On the elephant side, they’re saying Franken resigned as a ploy to attempt to force the GOP’s hand. Imagine that logic: your babykiller’s sign of contrition was just a scheme to get our babykillers to pay a price for their baby killing.

 

Even if the Dems are that Machiavellian, it doesn’t change the root point: Roy Moore and Donald Trump should not hold public office.

 

2. Irish Goodbye 

Josh Adams left defenders behind for the season’s first two months. Then ESPN’s producers left him behind last night.

Okay, let’s look at how the top 15 schools in the current College Football Playoff rankings were treated on last night’s two-hour, ESPN awards show.

No. 1 Clemson: Face time with Dabo Swinney and lots of Christian Wilkins mentions.

Oklahoma: Wall to wall Baker Mayfield, deservedly so, including a rotation on the ferris wheel with Maria Taylor.

Georgia: Face time with Kirby Smart and Roquan Smith, a Bednarik Award finalist.

Alabama: Two awards for defensive back Minkak  Fitzpatrick, who should’ve been a runner up to Iowa’s Joshua Jackson.

Ohio State: an interview and an awkward joke with J.T. Barrett.

Wisconsin: Jonathan Taylor-not-Thomas.

And on and on. Saquon Barkley (Penn St.) and Bryce Love (Stanford) took a turn on the ferris wheel with Taylor. Scott Frost (UCF) deservedly won coach of the year.

Who got the least love from ESPN? Notre Dame, USC and UCLA. The Bruins didn’t do much on the field, but they have the best quarterback, at least in the NFL’s eyes, in college football. Or USC does; the Trojans finished 10-2, won the Pac-12, and were barely mentioned. Can you imagine before the season began this show taking place with absolutely zero participation from Sam Darnold?

That’s right: Sam Darnold was utterly absent on the awards show.

And then there’s Notre Dame who, yes, sh*t the bed in their two showcase games, but had no shortage of Josh Adams highlights ready to share and a pair of first-team Walter Camp All-Americans on the O-line (Mike McGlinchey, Quenton Nelson) who didn’t even have their names mentioned during the roll call.

Yes, the Irish appeared in multiple video montages, there to make Georgia players or N.C. State’s Bradley Chubb or Love look good, but it’s hard to believe Josh Adams, who had eight runs of 59 yards or longer this season, never even appeared on the program. We got plenty of cancer chatter and a dancing BYU mascot and a stupid challenge between Herschel Walker and Barkley, but the Irish, I’m sorry, and I know I’m partisan, got royally snubbed.

3. Sweet Pea and The Streak

We just reminded LeBron that while he is the league’s 3rd-leading scorer, he has yet to have a 40-point game this season.

Look at those cute Cavs. Since losing to the best-in-the-west Houston Rockets on November 9, 117-112, they’ve reeled off 13 wins in a row. And Derrick Rose is back in the fold. The Cavs visit Indiana tonight and have an intriguing matchup against Trust The Process on Saturday, but they could reel off eight more in a row before LeBron and the gang visit Golden State on Christmas day (noon local tip. What the hell, Adam?!?).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0QpGulQWII

Kevin Love is now the Cavs’ leading rebounder and second-leading scorer, by the way.

Which window belongs to Susie B.’s guest room?

LeBron’s new home sold for $23 million. Apropos price. We’re going to move in next door as soon as John McAfee’s prophecy comes true. Clay Travis already has a guard posted at the gate, I assume.

4. Who Is Shohei Ohtani?


If you answered, “Isn’t he the guy who invented Bitcoin?”, well, you’re close. Ohtani, 23, throws a 102 m.p.h. fastball and also plays outfield for the Hokkaido Nippon-Ham Fighters of the Japanese League. But he’s coming to America and he wants to play for a small-market team. Considering how well a dude named Ichiro Suzuki fared in Seattle, we wonder why he wouldn’t just park it there. As close to home as he can get, too.

The Mariners are one of seven teams (along with the Padres, Angels, Dodgers, Giants, Rangers and Cubs) vying to sign him. I sort of hope he ends up with the Padres. They’ve been a non-factor for nearly 20 years now.

5. Rabbit, Run

We animal lovers get weepy over moments like this. I want to buy this man a beer.

 

Music 101

Pilot of the Airwaves

It was 1979 and someone forgot to tell English singer-songrwriter Charlie Dore that the folk era had ended at least five years earlier. But this song’s catchy hook and Nashville twang shot it up to No. 13 on the Billboard chartCs. This is the kind of tune they could have used in the background on WKRP. Maybe they did.

Remote Patrol

Celtics at Spurs

9:30 p.m. ESPN

Kawhi Leonard, the most autocorrect-able player in pro sports, will not return until this weekend, but you still get a matchup between two of the three best coaches in the NBA. The Celtics have the NBA’s best record (22-4), while the Spurs are 17-8, have won five straight, and Ginobiliiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!

THE JOHN McAFEE “EAT MY OWN DICK” METER

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by John Walters

Last July cybersecurity pioneer and magnate and iconoclast John McAfee boldly predicted on Twitter that if the price of Bitcoin did not reach $500,000 by the end of 2020, “I will eat my own dick on national television.”

A little over a week ago, on November 29th, McAfee doubled down on his wager:

 

We here at MH are not proponents of self-mutilation, but we do enjoy a brazen proclamation. That’s why we’ve created the John McAfee “Eat My Own Dick” Meter. We’ve assembled a team of mathematicians, plus one Wexford composition book and our iPhone calculator, to determine just how much the price of a Bitcoin must rise each day to keep McAfee ahead of his goal, which we’ve taken the liberty to assume is to NOT eat his own dick on January 1st, 2021.

So here’s the quick math: There are 366 days in 2020, 365 days in 2018, 365 days in 2019, and including today, 25 days remaining in 2017. That is a sum of 1,121 days.

Now, we checked the price of Bitcoin right now and it is $15,506. If you subtract that from $1 million, that leaves $984,494. Unless our mathematicians have erred (please tell us), that means if we divide $984,494 by 1,121 we will reach the average number of dollars bitcoin must rise each day to keep McAfee on schedule. Remember, bitcoin does not take Saturdays and Sundays off. The price is subject to change 24/7/365.

So, our McAfee Magic Number izzzzzzzzzzzzz………. $878. 

So, if you’re paying attention, McAfee is waaaaaaaay behind schedule right now. But then that depends on where you delineate the slope of increase. For example, between January 2nd ($899) and November 6 ($6,066), the price of Bitcoin rose $5,167, or an average per day of $16.78.

However, between November 6 and today, the price of Bitcoin has risen an average of $308 per day. That’s still less than 1/2 of what McAfee needs to keep his eggplant emoji, but it’s nearly a rate of 20 times greater increase in the past month than the first 10 months of the year. At that rate of increase, McAfee will blow past his goal of $1,000,000 by 2020 easily.

In peril?

As you may have guessed now, none of the MH staffers ever took a statistics course in college. However, we’ll do our best to make the John McAfee “Eat My Own Dick” Meter at the forefront of the analytical vanguard. Each day we will recalibrate the rate of return McAfee must meet to maintain (or catch up to) pace in order to retain his member.

So while he needs to average $878 per day today, that number is subject to change each day based on the previous day’s performance. I think this is where calculus kicks in. Anyway, we look forward to bringing you the John McAfee “Eat My Own Dick” Meter each day as part of It’s All Happening!