IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 1 Comment

by John Walters

(Scott Merrill was one of 12 Bucks who made at least one three)

Live Three Or Die

The Milwaukee Bucks set an NBA record for three-pointers made in a game last night, with 29. Oh, and they beat the defending Eastern Conference champion Miami Heat by 47, 144-97.

Here’s the historical chef’s kiss on the evening: Every single Buck player drained at least one three-pointer (recent acquisition Jrue Holiday led the squad with six) with one exception: two-time NBA MVP Giannis Antetokounmpo, who was 0-2. Even Giannis’ younger brother and teammate, Thanasis Antetokounmpo, drained one from beyond the arc.

Later, in Phoenix, the Suns led the Pelicans by as much as 40 points in the second half while draining 19 three-pointers. The Suns would win 111-86.

Worth noting: Milwaukee shot 57% from beyond the arc, Phoenix 41%.

Also worth noting: the Suns-Pelicans game had two recent No. 1 overall picks, Deandre Ayton and Zion Williamson, but neither were major factors. Why not? They’re old-school NBA. Two-point shooters. Muscle-inside types.

Ayton will be a productive pro. He’ll average double-digits in boards for as long as he wants and will clean up inside to the tune of anywhere from 10 to 18 points per game (he had 12 and 13 last night). But this is the new NBA, the NBA of Trae Young and James Harden and Steph Curry. Players with sick range are far more lethal, and valuable, than those who post up.

There was a play in the second half from Phoenix, with the Suns up about 35, where they isolated Ayton on the low block versus Jaxson Hayes. Ayton went up, had his shot blocked, grabbed it and then missed the follow-up. And I thought, Well, that’s nice. They’re trying to make Ayton feel loved.

But that’s not how you win in the NBA any more. That’s a wasted possession. Keep an eye on the Suns’ top pick from the year after Ayton arrived, 6’8″ Cam Johnson (11th pick overall, above), who was 4 of 10 from long range last night and scored 18 off the bench. He’s the Sun who is also a rising star, which is what a Sun is, after all.

Insane Vids

Just enjoy…

https://twitter.com/30SECVlDEOS/status/1344101611073904641?s=20

…and…

…Can we get a little love for whoever filmed this? And if the first tweet is the “greatest video I’ve ever seen,” what’s the latter?

You Just Knew This Article Was Coming

This piece only touches the tip of the LED battery, or whatever it is that Elon Musk powers his cars with: ordinary folk who purchased shares of Tesla (TSLA) seven years ago when the stock price was below $100 who are now millionaires (as the prices has soared to the equivalent of $3,300).

Shares of TSLA are up more than 700% in the past year alone. Tulip or tumult? Time will tell. But no one who invested a few years ago and held their shares feels stupid right now.

This story from Bloomberg is better (just found it). This is a profile of Brandon Smith, a five-figure wage earner who poured $10,000 into Tesla stock in June of ’17. ā€œI donā€™t make six figures, and I donā€™t know anything about puts and options,ā€ Smith, 32, said in a phone interview. ā€œIā€™ve just bought and held the entire time. Iā€™ve never sold a single share.ā€

That doesn’t exactly make Smith a millionaire, but his $10K investment from 2017 is now inching close to $100K. Not a bad windfall.

Letlow, Let Go

As bad as anyone might feel for Louisiana congressman-elect Luke Letlow, who was diagnosed with COVID-19 just two weeks ago and died yesterdayā€”at the age of 41ā€”it should not go unnoticed that he was just one of a record-breaking number of coronavirus-related deaths yesterday (apparently topping 3,700).

Letlow was a both-sides-of-the-fence Republican when it came to COVID. The married father of two advocated social distancing but also frequently campaigned mask-less. And he stumped for easing his state’s pandemic restrictions in order to boost the economy.

On Dec. 18, Letlow announced that he had tested positive for the coronavirus. One day later, he was admitted to the hospital. Ten days after that, he was dead. When the chancellor of the hospital to which he was admitted was asked whether underlying conditions played a role in Letlow’s death, the doctor, G.E. Ghali, said, “None. All covid-related.”

One of more than 3,700 such deaths. Just yesterday. Just in the USA.

Hilaria, Hilarious

Generally speaking, any time you have the opportunity to marry a woman who can do this, you should take it. So who are we, or you, to fault Alec Baldwin for marrying yoga instructor Hilaria Hayward-Thomas in 2012?

But it turns out that Hilaria had been affecting her Spanish accent and origins for years (her pops has a degree in Spanish literature and her parents did move to Mallorcaā€”in 2011ā€”but Hilaria is about as Bostonian as you can get: mom was a doc at Mass General, dad was an attorney…they may both still be practicing, we don’t know).

Anyway, here’s Drew Magary to guide you through today’s Twitter shamefest. As for us, we cannot fault Hilaria. She’s new to our language and customs and how was she to know that faking being a European was considered uncouth? What surprises us most is that Portugal has become the IT Iberian country. That’s where I’d tell people I was from; not Spain.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Admittedly, we’re a little bit bored with talk of stimulus bills and vaccine rollouts and the latest Trumper Tantrum about the rigged election. There are other sites to read about that. We’re just going full Lloyd Braun (“Serenity now!”) between here and Jan. 20, you know. It’s healthier.

The Blake Show Heads West*

*The judges will grudgingly accept “Snell’s Like Teen Spirit”

For us, it will remain one of the most intriguing sports stories of the past year. Blake Snell is pitching a lights-out gem in Game 6 of the World Series for the Tampa Bay Rays. Through 5 1/3 innings pitched Snell, the Rays’ ace, has allowed one run on two hits and struck out 12. Twelve!

He’s struck out the top of the Dodgers’ order, the top three hitters. Twice.
And manager Kevin Cash pulls him.

More than inconceivable. It’s unfathomable. And, analytics be damned, unforgivable.

So it doesn’t surprise us that that was Snell’s last moment on a mound in a Rays uniform. Yesterday he signed with the San Diego Padres, because he probably watches Fernando Tatis, Jr., higlights, too. And going from Tampa Bay to Coronado Bay is an upgrade. So good for him.

The Padres also signed Yu Darvish. They matter now.

Booger

Listen for yourself. Watch Adam Schefter attempt to interject, then not find an open window to do so (probably for the best). Our issue is not that Booger is wrong, but that you can also find white quarterbacks/players who’ve failed to realize what an opportunity this is. Injecting race into it lost Booger much of his audience here.

Buffalo Is Now Allen Town

There were more than a few people who criticized the Buffalo Bills for using the 7th overall pick of the 2018 draft on a quarterback from the University of Wyoming. Sure, Josh Allen at 6’5″ an 240 looked like a prototype NFL QB, but who had he played, PAWWWWWL?

By the way, there are still people grudgingly admitting that Josh Allen is okay, but quickly pointing out that he may have the NFL’s best receiver, Stefon Diggs (which this year may be true… and Joe Montana had Jerry Rice). Last night Allen led the Bills to a 38-9 win at New England, figuratively driving a nail into the coffin of the Bill Belichick era while throwing four TD passes. He now has 34 this season, a Bills record.

Buffalo has the AFC’s 2nd-best record at 12-3.

The two QBS who were taken ahead of Allen in 2018 were Heisman winner Baker Mayfield, who has led the Browns to a winning record (and a shot at the playoffs) and Sam Darnold, who has led the Jets to two wins this season (but who may turn out to just be a late bloomer).

By the way, all we want out of the NFL playoffs is Tom Brady (36 TD passes, 4th in the NFL, at 43 years old) and the Buccaneers at Lambeau Field against Aaron Rodgers (44 TD passes, just five picks, at 37 yeas of age) and the Packers. In the snow. In January.

Please, Lord, make this happen. It would be Brady’s first postseason visit to Green Bay and possibly his first snow game since the Tuck Rule Bowl.

Yeah, That’s About Right

Beanstalkers*

*The judges will also accept, “Oh, Grow Up”

Yesterday our friend Dan told us about the company Plenty, an indoor vertical farming company based in San Francisco. As the company’s website proclaims:

“Imagine a 1,500 acre farm. Now, imagine that fitting inside your favorite grocery store, growing up to 350x more. That’s efficient.“

According to the site, Plenty farms use 99% less land than conventional farms (there’s a better way to say that, no?) and also do not use pesticides, GMOs or bleach. It’s all very futuristic and efficient. Maybe we can give all that land back to wildlife (don’t laugh at me…it’s the right idea…even if I’m sure the CEO of Pulte Homes disagrees).

Plenty is not a publicly traded company yet.

Why Can’t People Be More Like Golden Retrievers?

https://twitter.com/humorandanimals/status/1342888052436434951?s=20

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Bomblastic

You know when suicide bombers in a major American city, detonating themselves on Christmas day, do not induce enough concern in our federal government to evoke even the slightest reaction from the President of the United States?

When they look like this guy.

I know what you’re thinking: Why would Huey Lewis wanna end it all? I dunno.

Fitzmagic

If the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, has a rotunda, this should be painted on the ceiling. That’s backup QB Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Dolphins completing a 34-yard pass with less than :19 left and Miami trailing by 2 as Las Vegas’ defensive lineman Arden Key facemasks him….tacking on another 15 yards.

Miami kicks the game-winning field goal… after Las Oakland had eschewed a TD in favor of killing more clock and kicking the go-ahead field goal. And now the Fish may just make the postseason.

It’s complicated as five different AFC squads have 10-5 records. By our assessment, three of them will qualify for the playoffs.

The Plague Year

Just released: The New Yorker, which only a few times in its 95-year existence has devoted an entire issue to a single subject, is here with a full-issue, 30,000-word piece on the pandemic by Lawrence Wright. At its age, the esteemed publication is in a very high risk group in terms of fatality from the pandemic, and yet here it is looking all robust and full of life.

We could very well, thanks to an utterly apathetic president, achieve 400,000 COVID-19 deaths by the time the 46th president is sworn in less than one month from today. We’re already at more than 1 death per 1,000 Americans. Imagine if your chances of winning the lottery were that good. Well, now they are: the Death Lottery.

On The Flipside

And yet, on the same weekend, The New York Times publishes a story titled “Market Edges Toward Euphoria, Despite Pandemic’s Toll.” Because let’s face it, as bad a year as it’s been for public health globallyā€”the worst in a centuryā€”it’s been a wildly prolific year in the stock market. And those two phenomena are related, though I’m not sure exactly how.

So maybe I should read the entire story.

We remember reading in one of Jim Cramer’s books (so sue me) how his first wife, Karen Backfisch, who was also a securities guru, would advise him when the market was plunging that it was never time to buy until the bear market was so awful that it was an above-the-fold story in The New York Times. Conversely, maybe it’s time to begin selling once the bull market is making this kind of news in the NYT?

https://twitter.com/sacca/status/1341783258191675394?s=20

We dunno. We just know that the market is doing cartwheels at the moment and, oh by the way, Susie B., check out Bitcoin-related stocks GBTC and RIOT.

GBTC on Dec. 1: $18.50….GBTC on Dec. 28: $30.94

RIOT on Nov. 27: $6.15….. RIOT on Dec. 28: $16.02

We’re only here to report. You decide (and Chris Sacca is right).

An Elephant Never Forgets To Protect Its Young

Here it is: Nature in full force. You’ve got birth but also Darwinism. Look how swiftly the rest of the herd wander over and form a protective barrier to shield the newborn from predators. As a species, we should attempt to emulate elephants, no?

(Is this going to cause a flurry of anti-abortion comments on my site? Uh oh).

Message Of Love

by John Walters | 2 Comments

Merry Christmas!

Loved this piece by Peter Wehner, “The Forgotten Radicalism of Jesus Christ,” that appeared in yesterday’s New York Times. A worthwhile read.

Jesus, whose birthday the planet celebrates today, spent his time with the sinners and the dissidents. The great unwashed. The un-entitled. The non-members of the club. What club? Any club.

Treason’s Greetings

As another 2,800 Americans perished yesterday, and with a stimulus bill not arriving in time for Christmas day for millions of Americans, the president…went golfing.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Par-Don

*The judges will also accept “From Don Pardo To Don Pardon” and “Get Outta Jail, Flee!” card

If there were any question as to whether Donald Trump is simply the head of a crime family (spoiler alert: there wasn’t), yesterday’s pardons of Roger Stone, Paul Manafort and Charles Kushner leaves no doubt. Let’s take a moment to recall what makes Kushner, Ivanka Trump’s father-in-law, such a special (and worthy of clemency) American:

That actually happened. If you think Jake the (Snow)Flake is lying, well, here’s one of Don’s closest buddies giving it to you straight:

Anyway, it’s only December 24 and Trump’s appetite for destruction has not come close to being sated. What havoc will he wreak next?

Happy Festivus!

Of all the episodes of Seinfeld that will stretch into the distance, “Festivus” and “Soup Nazi” will have the longest shelf life. It took a lot to make my dad laugh, but I don’t know if I ever saw him love an episode of TV more (at least not since All In The Family went off the air).

Today is Festivus, everyone. The holiday that celebrates who we really are.

I’ll take a moment to share how yesterday was a typical day in the life for your humble scribe: in the morning I learn, from my close friend through thick-and-thin and editor at SI, Adam Duerson, that my story on the New York Press League made Richard Deitsch’s list of “Most Impactful Stories of 2020.” Which is nice.

In the afternoon I’m at the market and, showing initiative, take 20 minutes out of my busy schedule to alphabetize the rib roasts. You see, apparently everyone wants a rib roast (of varying sizes) on Christmas and we have a $3.97 a pound special if you order the entire roast. And so people have been reserving them the past fortnight.

Well, we cut and tie or do whatever needs to be done to the roasts, slap on a slip of paper with the customer’s name, and then place them on stackers in the cooler (where the temps are sub-freezing). Then, when someone comes in to pick up their roast, some unlucky schlep (moi) goes in and does a scavenger hunt on said roasts. But before yesterday there had been no rhyme or reason as to where a particular roast was stored, which for some reason didn’t seem to annoy my more senior co-workers (but for those of us spending unnecessary minutes in 20-something temps simply cuz cuts of dead cow have been haphazardly arranged, it feels as if there may be room for improvement).

So, I waited until management went home (they’d tell me not to bother) and I spent a good 20 minutes or longer arranging the rib roasts in alphabetical order. That Notre Dame education at work.

Thank you for allowing me my “airing of the grievances.”

Human Hield

*The judges will also accept “Buddy, Can You Spare A Dime?”

The NBA’s first full night of games was highlighted by a game-ending steal and buzzer-beating tip-in by the Sacramento Kings. Buddy Hield supplied the coup de grace (above) as the Kings beat the Nuggets, 124-122.

Elsewhere, Trae Young poured in an evening-best 37 points as the Hawks beat the Bulls. We were listening on ESPN radio the other night that you could get 100-1 odds for Trae Young to win NBA MVP this season. And while his name does not begin with “LeBron,” we’d gladly put down a benjamin on that.

Toxic Cop Syndrome

https://twitter.com/davenewworld_2/status/1341922489065238528?s=20

Defund the police? Maybe there’s a better slogan to use than that. But why is this allowed to happen? Acceptable answers do not include, “Because they’re not white.”

Let’s hope this father and son find a lawyer. Let’s hope they win a major settlement and that this cop loses his job. Even the partner asks, “For what?” when the first officer says, “Arrest him.”

This was in Keller, Texas, north of Fort Worth, and as you can see, it’s a relatively affluent area (So what were people of color doing there, anyhoo???).

A Little Christmas Wisdom From the Coach at Creighton

Welcome To InstaFriends

Could we really leave you for four days without some type of contribution from the scorched-earth mind of Katie McCollow? I don’t think so. Here she is teaming up with fellow Minnesotan Marisa Coughlan, whom you might recognize from Super Troopers. We’re not sure if we’re posting this right, but that may as well be our epitaph.