by John Walters
Par-Don
*The judges will also accept “From Don Pardo To Don Pardon” and “Get Outta Jail, Flee!” card
If there were any question as to whether Donald Trump is simply the head of a crime family (spoiler alert: there wasn’t), yesterday’s pardons of Roger Stone, Paul Manafort and Charles Kushner leaves no doubt. Let’s take a moment to recall what makes Kushner, Ivanka Trump’s father-in-law, such a special (and worthy of clemency) American:
That actually happened. If you think Jake the (Snow)Flake is lying, well, here’s one of Don’s closest buddies giving it to you straight:
Anyway, it’s only December 24 and Trump’s appetite for destruction has not come close to being sated. What havoc will he wreak next?
Happy Festivus!
Of all the episodes of Seinfeld that will stretch into the distance, “Festivus” and “Soup Nazi” will have the longest shelf life. It took a lot to make my dad laugh, but I don’t know if I ever saw him love an episode of TV more (at least not since All In The Family went off the air).
Today is Festivus, everyone. The holiday that celebrates who we really are.
I’ll take a moment to share how yesterday was a typical day in the life for your humble scribe: in the morning I learn, from my close friend through thick-and-thin and editor at SI, Adam Duerson, that my story on the New York Press League made Richard Deitsch’s list of “Most Impactful Stories of 2020.” Which is nice.
In the afternoon I’m at the market and, showing initiative, take 20 minutes out of my busy schedule to alphabetize the rib roasts. You see, apparently everyone wants a rib roast (of varying sizes) on Christmas and we have a $3.97 a pound special if you order the entire roast. And so people have been reserving them the past fortnight.
Well, we cut and tie or do whatever needs to be done to the roasts, slap on a slip of paper with the customer’s name, and then place them on stackers in the cooler (where the temps are sub-freezing). Then, when someone comes in to pick up their roast, some unlucky schlep (moi) goes in and does a scavenger hunt on said roasts. But before yesterday there had been no rhyme or reason as to where a particular roast was stored, which for some reason didn’t seem to annoy my more senior co-workers (but for those of us spending unnecessary minutes in 20-something temps simply cuz cuts of dead cow have been haphazardly arranged, it feels as if there may be room for improvement).
So, I waited until management went home (they’d tell me not to bother) and I spent a good 20 minutes or longer arranging the rib roasts in alphabetical order. That Notre Dame education at work.
Thank you for allowing me my “airing of the grievances.”
Human Hield
*The judges will also accept “Buddy, Can You Spare A Dime?”
The NBA’s first full night of games was highlighted by a game-ending steal and buzzer-beating tip-in by the Sacramento Kings. Buddy Hield supplied the coup de grace (above) as the Kings beat the Nuggets, 124-122.
Elsewhere, Trae Young poured in an evening-best 37 points as the Hawks beat the Bulls. We were listening on ESPN radio the other night that you could get 100-1 odds for Trae Young to win NBA MVP this season. And while his name does not begin with “LeBron,” we’d gladly put down a benjamin on that.
Toxic Cop Syndrome
Defund the police? Maybe there’s a better slogan to use than that. But why is this allowed to happen? Acceptable answers do not include, “Because they’re not white.”
Let’s hope this father and son find a lawyer. Let’s hope they win a major settlement and that this cop loses his job. Even the partner asks, “For what?” when the first officer says, “Arrest him.”
This was in Keller, Texas, north of Fort Worth, and as you can see, it’s a relatively affluent area (So what were people of color doing there, anyhoo???).
A Little Christmas Wisdom From the Coach at Creighton
Welcome To InstaFriends
Could we really leave you for four days without some type of contribution from the scorched-earth mind of Katie McCollow? I don’t think so. Here she is teaming up with fellow Minnesotan Marisa Coughlan, whom you might recognize from Super Troopers. We’re not sure if we’re posting this right, but that may as well be our epitaph.
Katie is the best.
She really is. America’s greatest semi-hidden talent. Hidden under blankets and a mound of chocolate chip cookie dough, but hidden nonetheless.
You should receive one of those roasts as a Festivus Bonus! 🙂 (On the other hand, you may have a boss like one I had during my 4 years of working college campus food service : “workers are not supposed to think, just do what I tell them”. The guy was the biggest asshole in my 4 years there & he didn’t last long. I would bet my EDIT he’s a GOP-NAZI today.)
I read something this morning which actually gives me a reason to be MERRY on my solitary Xmas (I was in my office yesterday & when “I’ll be home for Christmas if ONLY IN MY DREAMS” came wafting from the radio, I needed a tissue…..) AND it’s in the Stimulus bill of all places! Those of us who had money deducted from our paychecks into a FLEX plan this past year will get to EXTEND any unused monies thru ALL of 2021 & not forfeit it as usual at the end of Feb! WHOO-HOO!
Of course, the treasonous sack of shit sociopath refused to sign the bill & is now HIDING in his Florida lair, plotting ever more grievous assaults to democracy & decency. A POX on his house & to all who refused to remove him from office, some 318,000+ dead Americans ago.
Anyhoo, MERRY CHRISTMAS to you & mamadubs & to ALL at MH!