IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 3 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right


What always fascinates me about GOP leaders is how they get all the little things wrong. It’s how you treat people in the trivial, every day moments that provides the window to your political soul, or lack thereof.

Starting Five

Bollinger laid out to rob Lo Cain of a leadoff base hit in the 10th or 11th inning (frankly, we forget)

Feat of Clay’s Son

We’re old enough to remember Clay Bellinger (as is FS1’s Tom Verducci, who covered him on those Yankee teams), the backup Yankee shortstop who in four Major League seasons won two World Series rings (and nearly a third in 2001). Last night in extra innings his son Cody—a proud alum of Chandler (Ariz.) Hamilton High, as is Ryan Fitzpatrick, as are a number of other solid jocks—, the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, made a tremendous catch in right field and later knocked in the game-winning run in the bottom of the 13th inning at Dodger Stadium.

Clay. His son now plays with a Clay who’ll pitch tonight.

We stayed up for the entire extra innings, which went past 2 a.m. here, which is why there may be more than the usual number of typos here today.

2. Spoiler Alert

In his just-published tome, Brief Answers To the Big Questions, the late internationally acclaimed physicist Stephen Hawking writes, “There is no God. No one directs the universe (Didn’t Don Draper say pretty much the exact same thing  in Season 1 of Mad Men?).”

The MH staff has not seen a copy of Hawking’s book yet, but we imagine other sentences in the tome read, “Of course O.J. did it. Duh!” and “The Sopranos went home and ate f*cking ziti because it was taking too long for their meals to arrive.”

Hawking died last March and is either feeling pretty sheepish about what he wrote or is not feeling a thing because he no longer exists in any form.

3. Pompeo and Circumstances

So the White House dispatches Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to Saudi Arabia post haste for this photo op with Prince Mohammed bin Salman. Behind the scenes, I imagine Pompeo giving MBS the business: “Dude, why did you have to be so sloppy? We have people who do this sort of thing all the time (in fact, some of them are in Yemen right now) and make it look like an accident.

“Now CNN and MSNBC are going to spend the next three weeks on this and we only just wrapped our latest ‘Implausible Deniability’ Tour two weeks ago with Brett Kavanaugh. How often do you think we can play the same tunes before the audience becomes restless?”

Meanwhile, MBS is going to designate a ‘rogue general’ as its scapegoat, and you know what happens to goats in that part of the world? It’s the small-letters “goat” not the Michael Jordan “GOAT” of the USA.

Just wondering: When the entire world is aware  that you are formulating your alibi in real time and just waiting for you to release it as you go over and over again whether or not it will pass the bullsh*t test (it won’t), isn’t that alibi compromised from the git go?

And yes, it’s more than a little ridiculous that the murder of one Washington Post journalist is receiving this much attention when the Saudis have been responsible for at least 50,000 deaths in Yemen this year (maybe that’s why MBS thought he could do this with impunity), but that’s just the way the world works. You put a face on something (hello, Cecil the Lion) and suddenly it’s a lot easier for the masses to care.

4. Jackpot-o-Lantern

Yes, we succumbed and purchased $10 worth of Mega Millions tickets last night, to no avail. The good news is that nobody won, which means that by Friday night’s drawing the amount will certainly have set a new record. Estimates have it at $868 million, or a cash lump sum of nearly $500 million (if we win, we’re investing it all in cannabis companies).

There’s also a Powerball drawing tonight, which is up to $345 million.

We read one good analogy that will help you get your head around how slim your chances are of winning: Try to pick a single second in the span of 10 years. Correctly picking that one second is like holding the winning ticket.

So you’re saying there’s a chance?

Message to our employer: If we win either drawing, we’ll still write The Bubble Screen this weekend. Promise.

5. Hold Your Fire*

*The judges are still mulling “Mass of Weapons Destruction”

While the misadventures of the Proud Boys may have cast New York City in an unfavorable light last weekend, it was also a weekend without a single recorded shooting. Not one. Not bad for a metropolitan area of 8.6 million people. That’s the first time in at least 25 years Gotham has gone an entire weekend without a single shooting.*

As we told our parents for decades, we feel far safer in New York City than we do back home in Arizona. One reason: young people here do not drive.

*NYC’s data base for shootings only dates back to 1993, so the streak may extend longer back than that. As you may know, the city was a far more dangerous place before 1993 than it’s been since. We like to think our soothing presence has mollified the Apple’s more hostile elements.

Music 101

All Mixed Up

Do the fans at this 1978 show by The Cars have any idea how lucky they are? (No, how could they?). Is the late Benjamin Orr the most under-appreciated lead vocalist of the rock era? (Yes) How talented is Greg Hawkes, playing not just the sax and organ on the same song, but at a few junctures (4:00 mark) at the same time? (Very)

Remote Patrol

The Walking Dead

8:30 p.m. TCM

The description of this 1936 film rom the listing: A wrongfully executed ex-con comes back to life as a white-haired, monster-faced zombie who haunts graveyards while seeking revenge on the conspirators who framed him.

Mavericks at Suns

10:30 p.m. ESPN

Luka Doncic and DeAndre Ayton make their NBA debuts. Kind of excited for both.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 7 Comments

by John Walters

Happy Birthday to PHYLLIS, the site’s most loyal reader! We wouldn’t be here without her. Lasagna culinary artist, die-hard Notre Dame fan, laundry aficionado and 4 a.m. internet surfer. She’s the best. If you see her today, wish her a Happy Birthday (or simply do so in the comments section below).

Starting Five

What Happens When You Bring a Coroner AND A Bonesaw To An “Interrogation?”*

**

*The judges will haltingly accept “The Turkish Bonesaw Massacre”

**The judges will belatedly accept “Jive. Turkey”

This latest Trump operetta played out in a single day. In the morning the president was telling us that he’d been on the phone with the Saudi king who “strongly denied” any involvement with the death/disappearance of U.S. resident and Saudi dissident Jamal Kashoggi, the journalist gadfly (and if Brett Kavanaugh taught us anything, it’s that a Strong Denial is more important than a plausible one). Trump himself proposed the “rogue killers” defense without ever bothering to explain how they’d be able to walk in and then out of the Saudi consulate undetected.

Not long after a cleaning crew—seriously— entered the Saudi consulate just a few hours before Turkish investigators were allowed inside to comb the scene. Mr. Wolf operates a multinational?

By day’s end here the Saudis were working on the “interrogation gone wrong” alibi without explaining why anyone would need to bring a bonesaw to a questioning much less why you’d want to dismember someone who died during an interrogation.


But, as Donald Trump told Leslie Stahl during that 60 Minutes interview, “Boeing….Lockheed….that’s a lot of jobs.” Justice is one thing, unemployed American workers who wear red baseball caps is another.

2. Crown Prince, Crown Prince

Jared Kushner may be the only person whom sharks look at and think, “Man, those eyes. There’s no soul behind them.”

So how’s this going to go down? Apparently, the White House woke up yesterday morning and realized Khashoggi’s murder was an actual problem, so they decided to do what they always do: send heart-attack-waiting-to-happen Mike Pompeo overseas to save the day.

The plan will work this way: Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, a man who in just the past year is fomenting a blockade against Yemen that may result in the greatest famine of the past century (and millions dead) and who has jailed billionaires in his own land, basically holding them for ransom until they pay for their freedom, is only going to cop to Khashoggi’s death if 1) it is sold as accidental and 2) it is made to appear that he was unaware of what was taking place.

Saudi Arabia was the first nation Trump visited as president

No one with a lucid mind or who’s never fantasized about attending a Trump rally will buy this crap, but it won’t matter. Trump will sell it, will use the old “he’s a great man, one of the greatest, people say” b.s. and it will provide him cover to keep the $110 billion in arms contracts alive.

Meanwhile, Jared Kushner—you know, the dude worth $324 million who hasn’t paid taxes the past eight years, that guy—and the the Saudi prince are very chummy.

None of this is a John LeCarre novel. I wish it were.

I do think it’s time, however, that we all go back and watch Syriana again and appreciate just how insightful and prophetic a film it was.

3. Rodgers and Heart

He did it again. That’s the second Sunday- or Monday Night Football game in this young season in which the Packers, at Lambeau Field, trailed a garbage NFC squad (“But the Bears are in first place—” SHADDDUP!) in the fourth quarter and won, thanks to All-State marketing executive Aaron Rodgers. The Packer passer tossed for 425 yards and led Green Bay on a game-winning 90-yard drive for the winning field goal for Redemption Refugee Mason Crosby.

Not noted strongly enough by Joe Tess, Witten and Booger: that third down holding penalty on Richard Sherman that kept the drive alive. The Niners sacked Rodgers on third down and 15 or so, and the veteran committed a punk-ass hold, effectively blowing the game for the 1-5 Niners.

Booger: Craneman

And, yes, it’s beyond obvious that Booger is the No. 2 guy and Jason Witten, right now, is in way over his head. We know what you were thinking, Norby: Witten is a Cowboy, a future Hall of Famer, a red-state icon, the kind of guy who in real life resembles that dude in the baseball ads who takes his daughter to the game and then stands up when they ask for military vets to be recognized. He’s the package, outside, but he just isn’t charismatic as a voice.

ESPN knows it, too. They’re looking for a graceful way out of this. For now, though, Booger remains in the crane (which may be the best vantage point for him, as it’s a unique concept). But right now Witten is like having a a second back in the backfield on 3rd-and-16.

4. Paul Allen

Co-founder of Microsoft, former owner of the Trailblazers (and he certainly was one) and current owner of the Seahawks, erstwhile Washington State student, man who achieved a perfect 1600 on his SATs and Seattle native Paul Allen died of cancer at the age of 65. He was reportedly worth $20 billion and from all accounts, one of the good guys.

That’s too young to exit the stage, particularly when you have that much money to play with. Like his high school friend, Bill Gates, Allen dropped out of college. In 1975 they formed Microsoft and essentially changed the world. Trailblazer, indeed.

The weirdest thing: Allen, with all that wealth, never married and apparently was not gay. The less this writer says about that, the better.

5.  The Great Western Loop

If this map proves anything, it’s that Nevada is a vast wasteland. Southern Utah, on the other hand, we highly recommend.

As this article on OutsideOnline.com states, “Thank her or blame her, Cheryl Strayed and her mega-popular book Wild have turned thru-hiking into a mainstream national pastime…”As backpacking has become more popular, it became inevitable that hikers would seek a trail that had not yet been blazed by Reese Witherspoon and others.

Enter the Great Western Loop Trail, a 6,875-mile passage that is actually a combination of five other trails sewn together. The GWL encompasses nine states, 12 national parks and 75 wilderness areas and thus far only one human, Andrew Skurka, a professional backpacker (? Who pays him?), has completed the trek. It took him 208 days.

Looking at our calendar, we may have some down time coming up. Who wants to join us?

Music 101

Love In The First Degree

This October 1981 release from Alabama was the band’s fifth straight No. 1 country hit and its biggest crossover hit, peaking at No. 5 on the Billboard chart. It was all over A.M. radio that autumn and I know because our carpool driver to my high school only listened to KOY.  I’m not sure the double-necked guitar was absolutely necessary on this tune, are you?

Remote Patrol

Red Sox-Astros

ALCS Game 3

5 p.m. TBS

Brewers-Dodgers

NLCS Game 4

9 p.m. FS1

Alex Bregman’s OBP this postseason is a ridonk .708

This may be our last doubleheader of the season. The corner-office TV execs are praying for Boston-L.A., while we’re hoping for an all-Central Time Zone World Series.

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 5 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

This would be your SI cover because of the symbolism of the Georgia player falling flat on his face. Class dismissed.

Top Ten Tumult

It’s mid-October and top-ten ranked schools are falling like cabinet members leaves. Within a 45-minute span early Saturday night, the 0:00 struck in Baton Rouge, Ames and State College, ending the unbeaten seasons of No. 2 Georgia and No. 6 West Virginia and knocking No. 8 Penn State out of the playoff picture with its second defeat.

You think they were happy in Ames?

The culprits, respectively: LSU and Iowa State, who both were at home, and Michigan State, which got its biggest win in a few years on the road. Sparty has an opportunity to knock off its second Top 10 foe in as many weeks when Michigan visits East Lansing on Saturday.

Also, No. 5 (now No. 4) Notre Dame narrowly escaped from three-touchdown underdog Pitt at home.

2. Frost-bitten

Chicago issued a frost advisory last Thursday, and that was besides the looming arrival of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and coach Scott Frost to Evanston for a Saturday noon contest with Northwestern. You remember Frost, the coach who took UCF from 0-12 to 13-0 in just two seasons.

Well, in his first season back at his alma mater (refusing to heed the warnings of Steely Dan), Frost had been humbled with an 0-5 start. But Nebraska had never started 0-6 in any of its previous 128 seasons and after kicking a field goal to go up 31-21 with 5:41 to play, it didn’t look as if it would this season.

Long story short: The Purple Kitties scored 10 points to force overtime, then kicked a game-winning field goal to send Frost to an 0-6 start. No coach was a hotter commodity last December and deservedly so. And Frost will succeed in Lincoln. But this year the “N” on the helmet stands for nadir.

3. Boston Powers


(This man is paid millions annually for bloviating his opinions)

On Sunday evening in eastern Massachusetts, the Red Sox staved off (no one ever staves on, have you noticed?) the Houston Astros to square the ALCS at 1-1. Meanwhile, 25 miles south the Patriots won a tennis match with the Chiefs, 43-40, on a short field goal as time expired, knocking Kansas City from the ranks of the unbeaten (but I still see a path for them to get to the playoff).

The Sox and ‘stros are baseball’s two best teams. This is unofficially the World Series. The Pats and Chiefs are the AFC’s two best teams (the Rams are the NFL’s best). A pretty good night for Boston sports fans, but then it’s been a pretty decent millennium for them. And remember, now that LeBron has pulled his latest exodus (that’s three if you’re keeping score in Maryland, Susie B.), the Celtics will be favored in the East.


(This 75-yard TD catch tied the game 40-40 with just over 3 minutes to play, but that was too much time for the Pats. Note the Bud Light: Dilly Dilly!)

Question: Where will Tom Brady go down on the list of greatest Boston sports legends? Obviously in the top five, but is he number one? You figure it’s he, Larry Bird, Ted Williams, Bill Russell, David Ortiz and Bobby Orr. My guess is the ranking would go as follows: Brady, Russell, Williams, Bird, two-way tie. Your thoughts?

4. The Six Mistakes Of Man

Cicero: “SPQR or bust!”

We came across this last week and have been meaning to get it on the blog. So the Roman orator and philosopher Cicero (his greatness was such that they named a lower-middle class Chicago suburb after him), who lived in the century before Jesus was born, once spoke of the “six mistakes mankind keeps making century after century.”

They are:

            1. Believing that personal gain is made by crushing others;

           2.Worrying about things that cannot be changed or corrected;

                        3. Insisting that a thing is impossible because we cannot accomplish it;

               4. Refusing to set aside trivial preferences;
5. Neglecting development and refinement of the mind;
6. Attempting to compel others to believe and live as we do.

Again, this was more than 2,000 years ago. Still relevant today, though.

5. Donald, Mitch: THIS Is What A Mob Looks Like

So here’s the next step in Fascism: angry white males jumping liberals and violently attacking them. If you don’t live in New York City, understand: this is the Upper East Side, just off Park Avenue in the low 8o’s. This is a very, very nice neighborhood.

The backstory, as you may know, is that Gavin McInnis, the leader of a neo-Nazi group called The Proud Boys, was speaking at the Metropolitan Republican Club on Friday evening. Protesters showed up. And then the violence began. Police made no arrests at the scene.

Remember that Seinfeld episode where George was mistaken for a white supremacist? It was funny then. Now it’s real.

Reserves

By the way, while hunting down that previous video, we found this one. “NO SOUP FOR YOU!”

Music 101

Your Time Is Gonna Come

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fssblRRCgmg

This Led Zeppelin track from 1969 leads off Side 2 of their eponymous debut album. It starts off with an organ solo that puts the listener in the third pew of 9 a.m. Sunday mass, and then it segues into Robert Plant’s vocals and the song’s title on refrain. Is that a a warning or a promise?

Remote Patrol

The Exorcist

8 p.m. AMC

I’m sorry, Michael Myers and Leatherface, but Regan McNeil (Linda Blair) was the scariest movie character of the 1970s. The Exorcist, or as we like to call it, The Linda Blair Witch Project, was responsible for our first sleepless night since after I stopped wearing a diaper.

Brewers-Dodgers

NLCS Game 3

7:30 p.m. FS1

Twilight baseball from Chavez Ravine….

 

CHRIS PICKS! WEEK SIX!

by John Walters | Leave a comment

by Chris Corbellini

Week 6 Picks: Put this in the team suggestion box …

It may not happen this week, it may not happen this season, it may not happen ever, but at some point, shouldn’t an NFL defensive coordinator try a 4-3 defense without the “3” part of the alignment … and just field all defensive backs?

That thought no doubt ticked off all of the linebackers out there. Current of former, you know who you are. Nobody makes plays like you. That is the nature of the linebacker position: To inflict pain. To dislodge things. To make the prom queen cry. To set the tempo to 11 and hit through ballcarriers as if they were looking past them to a point in the distance. Linebackers don’t just do the dirty work, they are the dirty. If someone suggested an all-safety or all-corner alignment to Dick Butkus, that someone would’ve been thrown through a window and then paid the team fine on Dick’s behalf.  If someone had ever suggested it to Ray Lewis, Ray may have called for a team exorcism to rid that man of his demons.

Much respect to the Backers. To the Sams. To the Mikes. To the Wills. OK? I want to put that out there.

So, why am I suggesting changing what’s always been? Why wake all the grizzly bears?

Well, the thought of a no-linebacker defense on every down occurred to me as rookie running back Saquon Barkley single-handedly tore up the defending Super Bowl champion Eagles on Thursday night. It was if the Giants and Barkley were in two different games: The rest of the G-Men belly-flopped into a shallow kiddie pool of mediocrity and lost their game, while Barkley won every battle and one-on-one challenge the Eagles threw at him in another. In open space, no Eagles linebacker stood a chance.

So why not cover the open spaces with a guy just as fast as Barkley? Why not choose closing speed and ball-hawking skills, above all?

Yes, Todd Gurley won the Rams-Seahawks game last week between the tackles (with 3 TDs), but that is a rarity for him. Gurley’s version of a handoff is often a dump-off. So is Alvin Kamara’s. So is James White’s. Christian McCaffrey, too. Perhaps talents like Marshall Faulk and Roger Craig, both boasting 1,000-1,000 seasons, were just ahead of their time. Every dump-off I see now I think it: runner-receivers, or more precisely receiver-runners, are the new NFL.

Barkley, Kamara, White, and McCaffrey are all in the top 30 in receptions this season. Barkley, Kamara, Gurley, Zeke Elliott, Melvin Gordon, James Conner, and McCaffrey are in the top 15 of all-purpose yardage, too. I envision more running backs joining them in both categories by season’s end. So, why not field your top two pass rushers at the ends, two 330-pound lane cloggers at the tackles, and then get creative at LB, putting fearless defensive backs like Tyrann Mathieu and Earl Thomas in those spots, and fielding the usual starters at corner and safety. All the men who can’t be out-run in open space.

If you have that type of talent, why not build around it?

Now, you certainly can’t pull off such an alignment for an entire season. I’m not suggesting the zone blitz here. Just last week, for example, the Atlanta Falcons and their quick/slender linebackers were bullied by rhino James Conner and the Steelers. But an All-DB 4-3 defense could fluster a team that relies on a receiver-runner. Why not give it a shot for a series. See if it sticks.

It’ll be cool when Belichick tries it someday, in an AFC divisional game or something.

Onto the picks. Home team in caps, with William Hill odds (as of Friday afternoon)

TEXANS (-10) over Bills

DeAndre Hopkins’ long catch in OT last week will stay with these Texans for months to come. The offense now has the confidence that comes with beating a desperate opponent, on the road, and that defense is officially in hunting mode. At 2-3, they are not out of this. So, hey, you know, good to see you, Buffalo. Be sure to visit the gift shop at GB International and get yourself something nice on the flight back to rebuilding town.

I’m playing “House of the Rising Sun” as I type this, and set to such a doomsday tune, it’s easy for me to envision Houston’s D putting one QB after another in a hurt freezer the rest of the year. In montage format, naturally. Just one Watt/Clowney sack after the next, all Scorsese-like (Related: I used to edit football highlights to music for a living, and I still think this way, though I am no Scorsese). The Texans D have not played to their potential yet, and can’t cover tight ends, but … the hurt is coming. This week.

Bears (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
I’m still a little awestruck by the game film of Chicago’s 48-10 hammering of Tampa Bay in Week 4. Even if the line had been -6.5, I would have considered it. Maybe Vegas just accounted for the South Beach Flu … an affliction that can be wildly contagious amongst pro athletes.

Clubs or no, the Bears defense leads the league in sacks per game (ooh, analytics!), and just enjoyed a fun little bye week, likely spending that free time high-fiving each other for landing Khalil Mack. Meanwhile, the Dolphins o-line is a hot mess. Starting left guard Josh Sitton and center Daniel Kilgore are out for the year, and offensive tackle Laremy Tunsil (concussion) is not a certainty to play on Sunday.

While watching the film I really liked the way this Bears D was ready to pounce, pre-snap. They looked hungry. I’d then stay on Mack when the ball actually was snapped, only to marvel at someone else making a killer play against the Bucs. OK, OK, I see you, Chicago.

PACKERS (-9.5) over 49ers
The Packers are an especially-f-cking-weird 2-2-1, and yeah, they want to not look that weird anymore. They want the coaching staff to not be second-guessed on every series, and to not have fans and experts believe they are an Aaron Rodgers solo act.

A resounding win at Lambeau on Monday Night Football could do it.

I want to see what Mike Pettine’s defense has in store for the 49ers this week. Behind the scenes he’s your classic defensive wise-ass, needling star offensive players whenever he can and pushing buttons across the organization whenever he can, even amongst his coaches (OK, especially amongst his coaches). Playing lighter and fiercer is a tricky thing to pull off, but I’ve seen Pettine do it with the New York Jets.  So, what will Pettine ask of his defense this week against a short-handed Niners offense? Will he ask for a Pick-6 of C.J. Beathard? A shutout? Will he throw some money behind those asks? It’s certainly in play. The entire franchise wants to look decisive in front of all of those stock-holders.

Steelers (+2) over BENGALS
I wanted to go Falcons here (-3 vs. Bucs), but that match-up is far more intriguing for fantasy purposes. No, I’m trying to get Big Ben’s turnovers on the road out of my head (Cleveland in Week 1 springs to mind), and focus on the positives in life … like Conner gnashing between the tackles, and Antonio Brown’s 47-yard touchdown catch in the fourth quarter last week.

This one could be a 10-7 final, with the announcers playing along with that “Who would have guessed this with all these playmakers!” explanation point at the finish — a result that’ll make you shake your head when they see each other again in the playoffs, because it’ll be a pick-‘em, with one play ultimately deciding it either way. My gut tells me Conner will be that difference-maker in Cinci this time, but just barely. According to Pro Football Focus, the Bengals rank 26th against running backs in the pass game.

Hmmm. Maybe Cincinnati should try fielding an DB-heavy 4-3 alignment …

Last week: 1-3

Season: 5-12

IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters | 4 Comments

by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Starting Five

1. The Kanye West Wing

You’re telling us that’s the same dude who once quipped on national television, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people?” Now he’s hugging it out in the Oval Office with Donald Trump, dropping mother*cker bombs on camera, and mansplaining why he voted the way he did in 2016?

Quoth Kanye: “I love Hillary. I love everyone, right? But the campaign ‘I’m with her’ just didn’t make me feel, as a guy that didn’t get to see my dad all the time, like a guy that could play catch with his son. There was something about putting this hat on that made me feel like Superman.”

Narrator: Superman doesn’t wear a hat. Also, he’s an undocumented immigrant who would never be allowed to play the French Open in that outfit.

Anyway, it was surreal and utterly inappropriate would be funny if not so tragic and as we’ve been saying since the beginning, Another Day of Trump.

By the way, while this charade was playing out in the Oval Office, the Senate was ramming 15 more male Trump-appointed judges down our throats and the Dems were complicit because in return the GOP said if they did so everyone could return to their districts three weeks early. You get your money for nothing/And your chicks for free...

2. Mousey Tongue

Researchers from the Chinese Academy of Science (we were wait-listed there) recently announced that they were able to use embryonic stem cells and genetic engineering to produce live offspring from two female mice. We have no idea what the second mouse was needed for but it’s been 33 years since we studied for our college genetics final exam, so we’re a bit rusty on the particulars.

Leave it to the Chinese to be the vanguard of asexual reproduction.

Researchers are now attempting to build the world’s smallest operational Subaru for this non-traditional family, who at press time were resting comfortably and watching The Kids Are All Right.

3. From Rage To Riches

From Rags To Bitches

Someone bought the domain name BrettKavanaugh.com and made it a site for survivors of sexual assault. So now when you Google the new Supreme Court justice’s name, this will pop up. After we saw this, curiosity took hold of us and we searched to see if the domain ClayTravis.com had yet been claimed by someone. It has not.

4. Then: Nigerian Prince; Now: Tanzanian Billionaire

Things are getting Tanzanier in Africa, where the nation’s only billionaire, and the continent’s youngest, Mohammed Dewji, was abducted as he was about to enter a gym in Dar Es Salaam for a workout. Dewji, 43, has a reported worth of $1.5 billion and owns Mohammed Enterprises, which is a conglomerate of businesses in a number of sectors.

If you receive an email today from a Tanzanian billionaire asking you to donate to his ransom, it may actually be real.

5. This Justin: Will Oregon Runner Cause Nike’s Stock To Tank, Too?


Just one month after making Colin Kaepernick its poster boy, Nike went ahead and surprised Oregon distance runner Justin Gallegos, who suffers from cerebral palsy, with a contract. This,we assume, will render him ineligible?

For the record, Gallegos is part of Oregon’s non-varsity running club. Nike signed him to a three-year deal. He recently ran a half-marathon in 2:03, which is damn good. We just watched the video and now this room needs dusting.

Reserves

Welcome to your crime scene. Torture room for one?

Turkish officials have audio and video evidence (in short, they’ve met the Melania Test) of Jamal Khashoggi being tortured and then executed inside the Saudi consulate. Sources said the 15 assassins (talk about, ahem, overkill) also brought a bonesaw with them for purposes of dismemberment, the better to depart with Khashoggi’s corpse in an inconspicuous manner.

So we’ve got a nation that murders a journalist inside its own consulate, was the birthplace of 18 of the 19 9/11 hijackers, is currently using our weaponry to starve out the nation of Yemen, and was also the very first country President Trump visited? Sounds about right, but then $110 billion arm deals are nothing to sneeze at.

*****

We liked this idea from Max Kellerman. The Giants have two sterling position-player talents in Odell Beckham (just re-signed) and Saquon Barkley and a 37 year-old stiff at quarterback in Eli Manning. Colin Kaepernick lives in New York City and is actually not unpopular here. Sign him. Put him in practice sessions. See what he has left in the tank. The local media and fans certainly would not crucify you. What do you have to lose, G-Men?

Music 101 

True Colors

Before she was just another old lady waiting with me on the corner of 79th and Broadway for the light to change, Cyndi Lauper was an ’80s pop star with a unique and enchanting voice. Not quite as powerful as Annie Lennox, mind you, but she was quirky and genuine and this was one of her bona fide hits.

Remote Patrol

SUNDAY NIGHT

Sundays With Alec Baldwin

10 p.m. Sunday

I’m trying to picture the pitch meeting.

“So you’re just gonna…talk?”

“Yes.”

“And no one’s going to sing?”

“Or dance.”

“And no one’s going to hook up or have an immunity challenge?”

“We’re just…talking.”

SUNDAY

8 p.m.

Chiefs at Patriots

Meet the new boss. Pat Mahomes and the 5-0 Chiefs aren’t the first AFC franchise that came after Tom Brady and the Pats’ fiefdom, but he’s not as young as he used to be and it may finally be time. Or is it?