by John Walters

Valley Oop

What needed to happen for the Phoenix Suns to pull off the winning play in Game 2 of the WCF last night:

1. Paul George, an 84% free-throw shooter who had only gakked both free throws in one visit to the line ONCE in the pas 141 times, had to miss both fouls shots. That, which had a 0.7% chance of happening, happened.
2. Mikal Bridges, who is normally money from the corner, missing his corner three and it going out of bounds off a Clipper.
3. Jae Crowder to make an exquisite inbounds pass from the corner, over 7-footer DeMarcus Cousin and just to the right of the backboard, while still putting it close enough to the cylinder.
4. Devin Booker’s gutsy back screen on another 7-footer, Ivica Zubac.
5. DeAndre Ayton to finish the job, basically the easiest aspect of the entire play.

The Suns have now won nine consecutive playoff games. They could conceivably go 6-6 the rest of the way and bring the Valley of the Sun its first NBA championship. If that happens, the man I’ll be happiest for is Valley broadcast legend Al McCoy. The 88 year-old has been the Voice of the Suns since Day One in 1968 and he still does their radio broadcasts.

Sailing Away To Key Largo

The film noir classic Key Largo played on the TCM the other night. A few notes:

–Directed by John Huston immediately after he’d directed the same lead actor in The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (he’d also directed Bogey in The Maltese Falcon), this film features three Hollywood heavyweights in front of the camera: Lionel Barrymore, Humphrey Bogart and Edward G. Robinson. All-timers, each of them.

–I did not include Lauren Bacall in that list. She’s a classic beauty of Hollywood’s golden age, but I’m not sure she belongs in the same acting class as those three. Oh my God, am I sexist?

–Can we not make the argument that Frank McCloud (Bogey) was only headed to Key Largo to see if his dead war buddy’s widow (Bacall) was as much of a smokeshow as she’d probably looked to be in the photos his buddy had shown him? Oh my God, am I sexist? Seriously, though, Key Largo really isn’t on the way to anything—besides Key West—and as Frank himself tells Nora (Bacall), he’d never worked in the fishing industry.

–Johnny Rocco, what a great gangster name. I have grandparents whose last names were DiDonato, Muggeo and Mundo. And here I get stuck with this WASPy surname. I coulda been someone in the Syndicate. Running counterfeit bills up from Havana. I blame my parents.

–Rocco’s stooges in this film are terrific. Also, the first time we see Rocco he’s sitting naked in a tub and it’s almost too revealing. Sure, we get a topless Edward G. Robinson while Lauren Bacall never does a single costume change. Oh my God, am I sexist?

–The soft-than-soft rock tune “Key Largo,” by Bertie Higgins, from 1982, makes a few references that do not align with the film. First, he makes references to Casablanca (“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid” and “play it again,”), which Bacall did not appear in (though the two did appear in To Have And Have Not, which is eerily similar in plot). Second, part of the chorus is “sailing away to Key Largo.” Except that they never do in the film. Bogey sails away from Key Largo, his life at risk. Finally, they really never “had it all” in the film. In fact, Huston denies fans the sappy reunion hug at the end.

–The film, except perhaps for the opening minute, was shot entirely in Burbank. The studio wouldn’t front Huston the money to film on location, as he just had with Sierra Madre, even though that film had been a hit. In both films, by the way, a supporting actor/actress won an Oscar. Here it’s Claire Trevor as the mobster’s mol.

–Robinson, one of the greatest and most iconic of all the character actors Hollywood ever produced, was never even nominated for an Oscar. That’s unbelievable, one of the great travesties of Oscar-dom. His character was reenacted time and again by Bugs Bunny. We were all watching Edward G. Robinson impersonations before most of us knew who he was.

–If you’re keeping score, Bogey starred in two classic films where he pilots a small boat. This and The African Queen (with Katharine Hepburn).

How The West Was Done

A few figures that should inform or alarm you, concerning how the American southwest, particularly the metropolitan Phoenix area, is hurtling toward its own Big Short moment:

–Home prices in the Valley’s nicer zip codes have jumped 30 to 40% in the past year (the pandemic definitely has played a role, as people who can work remotely are choosing to relocate here… looks around innocently, whistles).

–Phoenix has received about 1.2 inches of rainfall thus far in 2021, with the year nearly half over. The average annual precipitation is about nine inches.

–Lake Mead, the large man-made lake that provides drinking water to two of the fastest growing metropolises in the U.S., Las Vegas and Phoenix, is at its lowest water level since it was constructed in the 1930s.

–Before summer even officially began on Monday, Phoenix had already seen the most consecutive days over 115 degrees in its history.

Skyrocketing home prices, historic drought and sizzling temperatures, and a vanishing water supply. What could possibly go wrong? Go, Suns!

I’ll see you in Alaska.

Stop And Frisk

Future first-ballot Hall of Famer Max Scherzer was stop-and-frisked three separate times last night in his outing against the Phillies (Max won, both the game and the challenges). We sympathize with baseball, which is in the midst of its own drought (scoring), its worst since 1968. And pitchers have more sneaky substances at their disposal than ever (as do insurrectionists).

But watching pitchers undress on the mound gives us queasy feelings about Charlie Brown being taken yard. We cannot see this farce lasting all that long. Cheating pitchers hurts baseball’s offense, but treating aces as if they’re black teen drivers going 27 mph through a school zone (Oh my God, am I sexist?) is a worse look.

Laughed my ass off…the check my hair part is unbelievable. https://t.co/ffdycfpc5T

— Chris Rose (@ChrisRose) June 23, 2021

The Kid

…took it on the chin last night as Montreal blanked Vegas. He’s now 20-9 with a bankroll of $1,365. Still up, but for someone hitting on more than 2 of every 3 picks, not rolling in as much cash as he’d probably like. We’ll await today’s pick.

UPDATE: The Kid wants Germany minus-500 versus Hungary in Euro 2020. And he’s putting $1,000 down. So he can win $200 or lose $1,000. Some would say he’s on TILT. We’ll see.