by John Walters*
*The recently appointed TechnoKing of MH
Jersey Guys
It took two months and thousands of hours of poring over footage, but investigators have at last found, arrested and charged two men in connection with the death of U.S. Capitol policeman Brian Sicknick. They are New Brunswick, N.J., natives Julian Khater, 32 (in Trump beanie) and George Tanios, 39 (red cap).
The two men, who until this week lived in State College, Pa., and Morgantown, W. Va., respectively, allegedly plotted and then sprayed Sicknick and other officers with bear spray on Jan. 6. Tanios runs a drunken-hour sandwich shop in Morgantown and is a veteran of the famed/infamous Rutgers “grease trucks” (his uncles owned one).
Tanios is also accused by a former business associate in New Jersey of embezzling $435,000 as well as not paying his employees at his Morgantown shop. The lengths AntiFa will go to disguise someone, eh?
The two men have not been charged with murder, but rather “with one count of conspiracy to injure an officer; three counts of assault on a federal officer with a dangerous weapon; one count of civil disorder; one count of obstructing or impeding an official proceeding; one count of physical violence on restricted grounds, while carrying dangerous weapon and resulting in significant bodily injury; and one count of violent entry and disorderly conduct, act of physical violence on Capitol grounds.”
So they might be going away for awhile.
Goo Goo Goo Joob*
*The judges acknowledge that they should have gone with “The Trip Of The Iceberg”
A cute 5 year-old Irish lassie walking with her dad on Valentia Island spotted this wayard walrus over the weekend. See, Daylight Savings Time affects everyone. Biologists suggest the walrus may have fallen asleep while drifting on an iceberg.
It now finds itself living on the southwestern coast of Ireland. This will be a bummer come mating season.
Zahm-bie Apocalypse
This note was sent out by Notre Dame’s Office of Residence Life yesterday to all students:
Is this Cancel Culture or Cancel Dormitory?
Brees, He Does It
After 20 seasons and one Super Bowl ring, and with an assist from his four cute kids, New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees officially retires.
Brees, 42, exits as the NFL’s all-time leader in passes completed (7,142), and passing yards (80,358) and No. 2 in touchdown passes (571, or 10 behind Tom Brady). Not bad for a second-round pick.
He’ll be joining Mike Tirico in the Notre Dame booth next season, marking the second ex-San Diego Charger quarterback to hold that job in the past three years.
Important question: does terrorist Khater’s hat qualify as a ‘beanie’? It’s got the pompom on top, which to my mind disqualifies it, no?
Follow up: is it a “pompom”? Autocorrect wants to call it a ‘pompon’.
Follow up: what DOES one call that style of hat? (Besides ‘ugly’ and ‘a clear indicator’).
-Confused
I was hoping you were just joking about Brees taking over analyst duties for ND on NBC. I hope he’s better than Flutie – of course, that’s a low bar. It’s frustrating that my two favorite analysts for ND on NBC – Mike Mayock and Tony Dungy – have been short-lived.