by John Walters

This Is Not Yesterday’s Worst Lawyer

Wondering how long until someone overdubs Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Up” with “I’m not a cat.” And wouldn’t most legal proceedings be improved if attorneys used dog and cat filters? The judge could be, I dunno, an owl?

This Is

This is Trump defense attorney Bruce Castor, who did not do his homework and now has been called to the front of the class to give his 5-minute book report on The Swiss Family Robinson. It will not go well.

As trenchant as the arguments against Donald Trump were by House managers Jamie Raskin and Joe Neguse, no one proved more effective in arguing against Trump than his own attorney, Castor. When he wasn’t tap dancing around the topic at hand, he said, he actually said, “The American people just spoke, and they just changed administrations. The people are smart enough…to pick a new administration if they don’t like the old one.”

Whose side are you on, anyway?

That was really the only time Castor sounded as if he believed what he was saying.

As CNN’s Chris Cuomo neatly summed up, the prosecutors have the facts and the law on their side. Not to mention the film production crew. What Trump has on his side is a jury rigged in his favor, rigged out of fear that if they cross him, they will not be reelected. It’s a mob trial. Except here it’s not, If you testify, you’ll sleep with the fishes. It’s, If you vote to convict, you’ll lose your Senate seat.

So who has the temerity to stand up to Trump? As of now, only six Republican Senators have even voted that the trial should proceed. Like Louisiana’s Bill Cassidy, who after this video ended was asked, “Why did you think he did a terrible job?” His reply: “Did you hear him?”

Nuke Duke

Few ACC teams have had a more disappointing season than Notre Dame (which blew a 15-point first-half lead at Georgia Tech over the weekend), but everyone’s schadenfreude fave, Duke, is. The Blue Devils themselves blew a 15-point lead yesterday afternoon (a 4:30 p.m. tip on a Tuesday?) at home to the Irish, losing 93-89. Yes, the Blue Devils scored 50 first-half points but still lost.

But here’s what’s interesting. Vegas knows fans still think highly of Duke (7-8). A friend of mine whom I’d call a degenerate gambler except that he’s very successful (like, would I call Susie B. a degenerate investor?) tells me that Duke is 3-12 against the spread this season. That’s an invitation to get money.

The Irish, by the way, were led yesterday by a most on-brand named player, Cormac Ryan, who scored 28 points. Ryan is a transfer from Stanford, one of the few (the only?) Power 5 schools rated higher academically than both Duke and Notre Dame.

Hippos And Narcos

Thanks to the most nefarious drug lord, Pablo Escobar, ever to snort a line off a stripper’s belly, hippopotamuses are now indigenous to South America. Decades ago Escobar brought four hippos over to his native Colombia—how do you transport hippos across the Atlantic?— and those four have turned into some 80 roaming the banks and byways of the Rio Magdalena.

We’re all for animal expansion, particularly beasts as magnificent as hippos. Stay tuned for the hippo vs. anaconda matchup on the next Planet Earth installment.

Maverick Maneuver

Deep in the heart of Texas, Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban has decreed that his franchise will no longer play the national anthem before games. That’s one way to stifle a polarizing issue, but of course, it’s Texas, so you have to think he’ll receive plenty of blowback. Then again, Cuban has never really seemed like a Texas guy, anyway.

Will the Mavs play the Cuban national anthem instead? Or how about “The Eyes of Texas,” just to upset Bomani Jones? We’ll see.