by John Walters

Starting Five

Dow: 23,419

U.S. Covid-19 Deaths: 22,115

Those are the numbers as of this moment. When the bottom number surpasses the top number, Donald is gonna be angry. Oh, he’s already angry? We hear that he retweeted someone last night calling for Dr. Fauci to be fired. You may recall that we urged Dr. Fauci to quit two to three weeks ago. America will still listen to him. He can go sit in at Andrew Cuomo’s pressers. What’s up, doc? You are.

Also, the first sailor from the U.S.S. Roosevelt’s 500 or so who contracted coronavirus has died. Remember the ship’s commanding officer was fired —FIRED—for raising a stink about this a week or two ago.

By George, I Think He’s Got It*

*The judges will not accept “Good Mourning, America”

News out of Disney is that Good Morning, America co-host George Stephanopoulos has contracted the coronavirus, which is not surprising as his wife, Ali Wentworth (“No, you’re schmoopie!”, came down with it a week or two ago. Ali: “High fever. Horrific body aches. Heavy chest. I am quarantined from my family. This is pure misery… never been sicker.”

Stephanopoulos is asymptomatic thus far. But if he passes it to Robin Roberts, we’re going to have a problem.

Saturday Night Home

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLiSbSBF2PQ

With an assist from Tom Hanks, hosting from his kitchen, and musical guest Chris Martin, SNL staged a show Saturday night. The cast members did so from their homes and America learned that… Colin Jost has been lifting.

Anyway, from what we saw Larry David‘s Bernie Sanders was spot-on again (David never got on air as a writer for the show in the early ’80s and now he’s its most indispensable male member) and Michael Che and Colin Jost had us laughing at the end of “Weekend Update” with the Joke Swap.

Bocelli: O Solo Mio

The world’s most famous opera singer (how many others can you name), Andrea Bocelli, took solo to a heavenly level on Easter Sunday as he sang from inside an empty cathedral in Milan, the famed il Duomo. Bocelli, 61, sang to an empty cathedral, something he only ever does in rehearsal.

Sports Year 1872

Five schools compete in college football and you may get four of them but you’ll never get the fifth. Wanna try?

They are: Princeton, Rutgers, Columbia, Yale and… Stevens Tech. The last of which is located in Hoboken, N.J., and is still in existence though it does not play football. Yale, in its inaugural game and the first game played in the state of Connecticut, defeats Columbia 3-0. It is the Bulldogs’ only game of the season.

Young Tom Morris wins the British Open again.

In soccer, or “association football,” England and Scotland play the first official international match (the first actually took place in London in 1870 but was not recognized as such, more of a friendly, if you can call anything between England and Scotland that). Played in Glasgow, the match ends in a goalless draw, guaranteeing that Americans will mostly ignore the sport for the next 125 or so years.

In London, Wanderers win the first FA Cup (noted Friday), defeating Royal Engineers 1-0 at Kennington Oval in London. Morton Betts scores the first goal and promptly marries a supermodel and buys a high-speed cigarette boat that he docks off the coast of Monte Carlo.

*****

Congrats to Susie B., who’s giddy about her AMZN stock this morning.