Starting Five

 “I don’t know who you are… 

1. Tonight Taken 2 opens, which should fuel massive protests from America’s Albanian rights groups….um. Anyway, the Liam Neeson vehicle opens the same week that a New Jersey teen tweets that someone has invaded her house, disappears, then is found at a Burger King along a rest stop at the New Jersey Turnpike (which, let’s face it, is actually a more credible plot than the one in Taken 2 although it seems to be plagiarizing Harold & Kumar).

I don’t know what you want.

2. Wildcard Death Matches! Atlanta hosts defending World Series champs St. Louis while Baltimore visits Texas. We would like to credit MH friend Matt Eagan, a former columnist at the Hartford Courant, who back in 2001 ceaselessly stumped for this concept to us over beers in West Hartford and referred to it as the “Death Match” or “Death Game.” Eleven years later, Bud Selig and the MLB finally caught on.

  If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money.

3. USC fails to cover wins on the road at Utah, 38-28. You want to talk about how the preseason No. 1 avoided a second defeat and overcame an early 14-0 deficit in Salt Lake City? You want to talk about how Matt Barkley threw for more than 300 yards, including a career-long 83-yarder (a traditional bomb play) to Marqise Lee? Fine. We want to discuss how Utah scored a touchdown in the final minute, a TD that would not have occurred had not backup quarterback Travis Wilson, a frosh, completed a 31-yard pass on fourth-and-nine one play earlier. We note this because after the Utes’ Kelvin York scored to make the score 38-28, thus meaning that Utah had beaten the game’s 14-point spread, ESPN’s David Pollack curiously quipped, “That score means a lot to a lot of people.” Partners Rece Davis and Jesse Palmer knew exactly what Pollack was referring to, but both prudently remained silent. Pollack now takes an early lead in the Musburger of the Year Award.

But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. 

4. Jerry Seinfeld performs at the Beacon Theater, his first full-length standup performance in 14 years. The last time Seinfeld performed, H&H Bagels, the real Yankee Stadium, and the United States Postal Service still existed. Also, and this is no lie, it was possible to purchase $15 cocktails in the lobby before the show that were dubbed “Cosmo Kramers.”

Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. 

5. The NHL announces that it will cancel the first two weeks of the season because of the player lockout. North America must struggle through October without hockey. The temperature today in the city of the home of the reigning Stanley Cup champions, by the way, will hit a high of 79.

Reserves

President Obama becomes a punchline after his listless performance in Ultimate Forensics Championship 44/45 in Denver. If you were watching, R-Money was actually debating moderator Jim Lehrer. Our favorite line came from @AdamLefkoe on Twitter who wondered, “Did Obama get his Romney tape from Ohio State?”

 If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. 

As called in yesterday’s “Starting Five” and to no one’s surprise or chagrin, the Red Sox can Bobby Valentine. We hear Terry Francona is available.

 

The Yankees finished with the best record in the American League but as of this moment have no idea whether they will open the postseason in Baltmore or Texas (Baltimore, we say). This means that their traveling secretary, George Costanza Ben Tuliebitz, must make travel and lodging plans tomorrow for two different cities. “I’m lining up a flight to Texas right now and then will work on a train to Baltimore,” Tuliebitz tells the New York Post. Serenity now!

I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. 

It is revealed that last May JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon received a “Hang in there” phone call from Patriot quarterback Tom Brady in the midst of the whole London whale fiasco. Not reported: Dimon’s wife told reporters that her husband cannot help it if his stupid traders can’t make wise trades.

Wright Thompson’s life is better than yours. Just follow him on Twitter and see. WT is talented, though.

But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Just to clarify, we loved Taken. We thought it was the best comedy of 2008.

The St. Louis Rams sack Kevin Kolb nine times in a 17-3 defeat of the Cardinals (can you imagine how Jay Cutler would have reacted?). Arizona departs the ranks of the unbeaten, which is truly significant when you recall that the reigning Super Bowl champs finished with a 9-7 record. St. Louis moves to 3-2, which is more wins than they had last season.

We will admit: There’s something almost admirable about a presidential candidate who stares right at the debate moderator and says, “I’m sorry, Jim, I’m gonna stop the funding to PBS. I like PBS, I like Big Bird, I actually like you, too.” Basically, I’m going to create jobs, but I’m going to take away the jobs of the two men sharing the stage with me tonight. That is full-on swagga’!

First-world problems: millionaire pro athletes squandering all of their fortunes. Third-world problems: floods washing crocodiles and hippos into your home, if you are lucky enough to live in one.

ESPN.com’s cover story as we write this has diamond expert Jayson Stark predicting that the postseason will be “unpredictable.” What would we do without experts?

We get that Sean Payton, exiled coach of the 0-4 New Orleans Saints, will be attending their game versus the Chargers this weekend. If there is a God in heaven, please let him 1. sit in the stands like a real fan and 2. arrive wearing this.