by John Walters

Tweet Me Right

Barr looks like what would happen if Bannon were on Queer Eye pic.twitter.com/tuIT7IWwA8

— susannah whittle (@susannahwhittle) March 25, 2019

I mean, your eyes don’t deceive you.

Starting Five

Thud Missile

So it turns out that, at least according to William Barr’s book report of the Mueller investigation, that the collusion-obstruction of justice suspicions were a huge nothing burger? Or is that nothingberder?

We honestly haven’t dived in too deep other than to realize that impeachment ain’t happening. Now please remind your Republican friends who are clutching their pearls about all this that folks are still chanting “Lock her up!” at Trump rallies.

2. The Porn Star Lawyer And The Extortion Scandal

Was it only a year ago that Michael Avenatti was flitting between MSNBC and CNN green rooms and dining with Christie Brinkley on the sly in Sag Harbor? Yesterday the FBI arrested Avenatti and charged him with attempting to extort $20 million from Nike relating to their latest sneaker deal scandal. Also, his alleged co-conspirator, Mark Garagos, is the same lawyer who brokered Colin Kaepernick’s monster payout from The Swoosh. Hmm.

If you’re keeping score in the Michaels Avenatti and Cohen-slash-Donald Trump-slash-Stormy Daniels ecosystem, the porn star is the person of integrity here.

That said, let’s not pretend that Nike or other shoe companies are clean. They cannot pay college (or high school) athletes, so instead they pay coaches. Coaches are competitive people and many of them are not yet Mike Krzyzewski but they aspire to be. So why not funnel some of that loot to players in hopes that they will play for me? It’s a dirty biz and if Nike, Under Armour and the NCAA wanted to clean it up, there’d be no restriction in paying the players directly. No one’s tuning in to see Sean Miller wear Kyrie 4’s, after all.

3. Booker Mark

Remember, Phoenix Suns guard Devin Booker is still just 22 years old. Two years ago in late March the former Kentucky guard put up 70 points against the Boston Celtics, in Boston. Last night, in a 33-point defeat at Utah, Booker put up 59 against the Jazz. It’s the most points scored in a 30-plus points defeat in NBA history, a dubious mark if ever there were one.

Five other players in NBA history have had multiple 59- or better point games. Here’s the list: Wilt Chamberlain, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, James Harden (who’s done it this season). That’s it. Not Kareem. Not Larry. Not Barry. Not LeBron.

And he’s only 22. By the way, the Suns took Booker out of the game hopelessly trailing by more than 25 with 5 minutes to play. He had 56 points. Then they reinserted him, likely in an effort to get him to 60. He finished one point shy as the Jazz fouled a teammate intentionally with :16 to play in order to deny him.

4. Royal D-Bag

Here is the video of UC Irvine head coach Russ Turner explaining his reasoning for calling Oregon freshman Louis King “Louis Queen” during the game. pic.twitter.com/2xGnCsYyWa

— Matt Prehm (@MattPrehm) March 25, 2019

Here’s UC-Irvine head coach Russ Turner glibly explaining that he called Oregon player Louis King “Queen” (get it!?!) during the Anteaters’ second-round loss to the Ducks (Chicks?) Sunday.

I actually want to thank him, only because he inadvertently provided a counter-balance to the Tom Izzo defenses all weekend. See, if you have a problem with what Turner did, I can use all of the same excuses some of the national cognoscenti used to defend Izzo: “It’s none of your direct business, stay out of it”; or, “Stop being offended by every little thing” or, my favorite, “He’s passionate and this is how he molds young men and makes them winners” argument.

Listen, neither Izzo’s or Turner’s offenses are that big of a deal. Just know that if Izzo’s actions didn’t bother you, you best not turn on that spigot of righteous indignation about Turner’s. Otherwise, maybe you’re just admitting that this is really about the cult of personality and that you like and know Izzo, while you don’t really know Turner.

One man’s physical intimidation is another man’s gay slur of an opposing player. The common denominator? Grown-ass millionaire coaches acting in a way that they’d never accept from their own players. Or that most of us wouldn’t.

5. Meet Us In Kelowna

You live on a continent more than half a century, you think you know it, right? Then you meet an amiable Canadian couple (going against type!) who tell you about the lovely inland British Columbia haven of Kelowna. A seven-hour drive west of Calgary, a 4 1/2-hour drive east of Vancouver, located on the shores of Okananagan Lake.

What a haven. Vineyards that come right up to the shore. Mountains and Banff National Park (relatively close). Fewer than 200,000 inhabitants. Do they have WiFi? A bartender shortage? Do they sell Ding Dongs? If so, sounds ideal.

Music 101 

Misery

Thoughts on Minneapolis-based Soul Asylum: 1) Never thought Dave Pirner and the gang fully got the love they deserved, 2) always seemed as if they’d have been just as happy playing bars in Uptown and along Hennepin their entire careers, and of course the annual Basilica Block Party every July, as they were becoming “modern rock” stars. This was their lone hit, in 1995, from Let Your Dim Light Shine, their follow-up album to the 1993 smash Grave Dancers Union.

Biblio Files

The Great Brain 

You may love to read because a certain childrens’ series hit you and hard. I’ve already noted The Hardy Boys from my childhood and certainly anyone under the age of, say, 30, absolutely spent hours and hours in their bedroom devouring Harry Potter. Chip Hilton. Jupiter Jones. Encyclopedia Brown. Nancy Drew. Etc.

One of the lesser-known series, I think, is another favorite of mine. The Great Brain books by author John Dennis Fitzgerald are all based on the author’s actual childhood, growing up in Utah in the late 19th century as the younger brother of a boy genius. There were three brothers in all. Narrator John Fitzgerald is the Nick Carraway to older brother Tom’s Jay Gatsby, except that this is all pre-pubescent or adolescent hi-jinks in the American southwest.

Eight books in all, but my favorite was The Great Brain At The Academy.