Starting Five

1. It’s UFC 44/45 night in Denver: Ultimate Forensics Championship, as the reigning champion, Barack Obama, meets challenger Mitt Romney. This is where the opponents draw a line in the sand, although one of them may draw a heart in it.

2. Greenberg! Adam Greenberg, who was beaned by a fastball in 2005 by a Florida Marlins pitcher, signs a one-day contract with the Marlins to get his first AB since that HBP and second overall. While Greenberg strikes out on three pitches versus R.A. Dickey of the Mess (a dude who knows a thing or two about extended interregna between Major League stints), he usurps Dickey’s role as baseball’s feel-good story of the 2012 season. He’s a movie waiting to happen; they just cannot call it “Greenberg.” That title is taken.

3. Brian Downing, a.k.a, the Alabama teabagger,(and not the ex-Major League catcher who played for 20 seasons)  pleads guilty to a pair of obscenity charges and could receive up to two years in jail. SEC fans, remember this simple phrase: “Tebowing good, teabagging bad.”

4. Once upon a midnight bleary/As I pondered Mike McQueary… The former Nittany Lion assistant coach files a whistleblower lawsuit against his former employer, Penn State, seeking millions of dollars in damages. Whistleblower lawsuits have nothing to do with that song by Flo Rida, who it should be pointed out has nothing to do with a certain purveyor of tater tots.

5. Yes, the Cardinals are in and the Dodgers are out (and HBO aired “In & Out” last night, coincidentally) and yes, the Yankees defeated the Red Sox in 12 innings thanks to Raul Ibanez’s game-tying two-run homer in the ninth inning. But what we really want to mention is the Lastros, who have now shut out three consecutive opponents. While Houston’s 27-inning scoreless streak is impressive, it’s also its first three-game win streak since before Memorial Day.

Reserves

Manchester United striker Robin Van Persie, the son of two Dutch artists, uses his own freedom of expression to score this brilliant touch goal in Champions League play versus Cluj. RVP scored both Man U goals in the 2-1 victory.

Syria is just an absolute mess.

Alabama is 5-0. LSU is 5-0. Georgia is 5-0. South Carolina is 5-0. Florida is 4-0. All are in the AP’s top 10. But if you scroll down, there’s another undefeated SEC squad, Mississippi State, at 4-0 and leading the nation in that defining category for successful teams, Turnover Margin (+3.25 per game). The top five teams in this category — MSU, Alabama, Louisiana Tech, Notre Dame and Ray Ratto’s Ohio — are a combined 22-0. The Bulldogs, who visit Kentucky and then host Tennessee and Middle Tennessee, have a shot at being 7-0 when they visit Tuscaloosa on October 27.

Flori-Duh: Woman turns herself into local police after riding manatee. It is illegal to ride manatees in Florida. So you can’t teabag people and you cannot ride manatees. What are we supposed to do for fun?

By the way, Geno Smith and Johnny Manziel both lead offenses that are tied for having committed the fewest turnovers this season, one. Smith has thrown 20 TD passes without a pick. Manziel, a redshirt freshman at Texas A&M who also leads the Aggies in rushing, has attempted 124 passes without an INT.

Johnny be good

Hotel Transylvania sets a record for the largest September opening weekend box office in movie history, grossing $51 million (doesn’t anybody have homework?). We have not yet seen it, but we are hoping the complimentary breakfast includes Count Chocula.

Guests include Frankenstein, Wolfman and Lloyd Blankfein

Today in Nontroversies: Yankee broadcaster David Cone refers to Ichiro Suzuki’s bat as a “chopstick.” LA Times Laker blogger Mark Medina asks Metta World Peace if Steve Nash is the smartest Laker and MWP replies, “He’s white, so probably yes.”

Remember how we mentioned Adam Greenberg earlier? And Brian Downing? Well, the baseball Brian Downing suffered a severe knee injury on the first pitch of his first inning in the show, with the White Sox, and was placed on the 60-day DL. Downing was also cut from both his high school and college baseball teams. He may be a movie himself.

The unkindest cut of all…

So who already has their tickets to Hammerfest? We have to think Nickelback was on the promoter’s Must Have list, but instead they appear to have settled for “Aggravated Assault” and “Blue Eyed Devils.”

Mad Magazine (yes, it’s still around), the original troll publication, trolls Apples’ Maps app:

Peter Brady Seth MacFarlane to host Oscars. Backlash alert.

Mark Zuckerberg wears the same outfit every day, putting him in the same league with Steve Jobs, Gilligan, Charlie Brown, Captain James Kirk, Mr. Rourke, Darth Vader and the Naked Singing Cowboy, among others. Zuckerberg also tells Matt Lauer that he only has one drawer. That’s on you, Zuck.

Fox extends its World Series contract with MLB through 2021, meaning possibly nine more years of bloggers and Tweeters whining about Tim McCarver.