by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

I LOVE how this brag tweet about his ‘ability to write‘ was deleted because of a typo. This is peak Donald Trump, ladies and gentlemen. pic.twitter.com/S4UA1AujVa

— Mike P Williams 🌹 (@Mike_P_Williams) July 3, 2018

He corrected it (or his staff did) and still failed to hyphenate “best-selling.” Dumbass.

Starting Five

Land of The Gluten-Free, Home of The Brave

The 2nd Civil War will be anything but boring. The Battle of Williamsburg. Sherman’s March on Walmart. The Siege at Starbucks (I know, which one?)

I have a my “liberal war rucksack” filled with a 6 pack of microbrews, some Orwell in paperback, reusable metal straws, and yoga mat. this thing is on.

— Grant Burningham (@granteb) July 3, 2018

The libtards subsisting on hard tack made from compressed gay wedding cakes, while MAGA finds sustenance in white rage and paranoia. And of course, the texts and tweets home from the front.

Can we please make this happen, Alex Jones?

2. Ayers Rock Is A Hard Place

A Japanese tourist, aged 76, died climbing up Uluru, also known as Ayers Rock, in central Australia. The tourist suffered a heart attack during his ascent. He is the 37th person to die on this great monolith since it was opened to tourists in the 1960s.

Here’s the weird thing: last year a 12-person board voted UNANIMOUSLY to ban people from climbing the rocks, since this is a sacred spot to the Anangu people, who have been given back title to the land. But the prohibition does not go into effect until October 26, 2019, in order to give people who have already booked trips there the opportunity to climb it. So do it now if you ever want to, but know that it may be perilous.

3. Max-imus

His name is Max Muncy, he was inserted into the Los Angeles Dodger lineup as an infield  replacement after Corey Seager went down with injury, and last night he hit his 19th and 20th home runs of the season in just his 63rd game in Dodger blue. In two previous years with the Oakland A’s, in which the native Texan appeared in 45 and 51 games, respectively, he walloped 3 and 2 home runs.

Last season Muncy, 27, spent the entire year down in the minors. Now he just became the fastest Dodger to 20 homers, breaking the record set by Cody Bellinger…last season. What’s his secret? Lower crouch in batting stance, which equals…higher launch angle.

Looks as if someone out-Moneyball‘ed Billy Beane, no?

4. World’s Oldest Murderer*

*The judges will also accept “Blessing In Disguise”

A 92 year-old Fountain Hills, Arizona, woman alledgedly fatally shot her 72 year-old son who wanted to put her in a nursing home (Don’t worry, Phyllis; I’m taking heed). Anna Mae Blessing allegedly hid two pistols in her robe and allegedly told her son, “You took my life, so I’m taking yours.

Very Dirty Harriet of you, Anna Mae.

She then allegedly tried to murder his 57 year-old girlfriend (niiiiiice) but she was able to wrestle both pistols away. Of course, if you’re Anna Mae, can’t you just claim the girlfriend murdered him?

Anyway, Blessing could get 10 years in prison, but her attorneys are hoping to get her sentence commuted to life imprisonment.

5. Alaska’s Super Bowl

Every 4th of July we go nutso about Alaska’s Mount Marathon race (maybe they’ll finally  take the $100 application fee we submit each year and put our name on the roster of entrants….maybe???), which takes place today. We’ll have the winners tomorrow, but take note that the defending women’s champ is Alaska native and Boise State junior Allie Ostrander, who is the reigning NCAA steeplechase champ. Seems like a perfect fit. This is just a steep chase, after all.

Our sentimental fave is Denali Foldager-Strabel, because each of her parents won this race previously and there’s hardly a more Alaskan name than Denali and also because she’s a recovering meth addict whose job is to register firearms at a Cabela’s and this is all true.

 

Music 101

That’s The Way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdWPkgtaOTw

In the Seventies Led Zeppelin got radio play for rockers such as “Ramble On” and “Whole Lotta Love” and of course, “Stairway To Heaven,” which is half-rocker and half-mystical acoustic court ballad. This tune, which never got air play, is full Tolkien-esque mystical jingle-jangle acoustic ballad. One of the lovelier tunes in Robert Plant’s arsenal (we’d love to see Led Zep on Carpool Karaoke).

Remote Patrol

The West Wing

Netflix

You’ve got the day off (we don’t) and hopefully you’ve got Netflix. If you’re not out BBQ-ing or at the lake/beach, and you get home from the 2nd Civil War early enough, watch an episode or two and fall back in love with your government. “Shutdown” and “Let Bartlet Be Bartlet” are two of our favorite episodes.