by John Walters

Tweet du Jour

We closed on our home in Missoula yesterday. I’d like to thank all the helpful people that placed “For Sale” signs in our yard the past 3 years, since we sold it without having to list it!

— Bob Stitt (@CoachBobStitt) May 22, 2018

The life of a college football coach. Former head coach at the University of Montana, now an offensive analyst at Oklahoma State.

Starting Five

Spring Awakening

Say what you will about LeBron James (and one of our readers will surely say plenty), but at age 33 he is arguably having the best postseason of his career and now has the Cavs in a best-of-3 versus the Celtics to advance to the NBA Finals. Last night he put up 44 in a Game 4 win.

Check the numbers.

LeBron, 2018: 33.7 ppg, 8.7 rpg, 9.0 assists, 1.4 steals, 1.1 blocks.

LeBron, 2009: 35.3 ppg, 9.1 rpg, 7.2 assists, 1.6 steals, 0.9 blocks.

He does have nearly twice as many turnovers per game this postseason, but he has been tremendous.

DYING at Al Horford pointing Aron Baynes to the hoop pic.twitter.com/kxXjFQleCE

— Born Salty (@cjzero) May 22, 2018

Meanwhile, how great is that?

2. Burning Through His Savings

A judge in Oregon has ordered the 15 year-old minor who started last year’s Eagle Creek fire, which burned 48,000 acres of land in the Pacific Northwest, to pay a fine of $36,000,000. No joke.

The teen inadvertently started the blaze when he threw a firecracker in the woods, which is all kinds of stupid. But maybe they should have imposed a lighter fine, like cutting off the arm with which he tossed the incendiary stick. Either way, he’s willing to pick up any extra shifts at Panera all summer.

MH staffers checked the archives for the harshest punishment a teen has ever endured and the best we could come up with is when Richie Cunningham was “grounded for life” by Mr. C for taking dad’s car.

3. Deaths In America, 2018

We just thought we’d update you on dangers, real and imagined. All of these fatality statistics are for the current year, as up to date as we can make them:

By SHARK: ……………………………………………….0

By GRIZZLY BEAR…………………………………….0

By RATTLESNAKE…………………………………….1

By GUNS……………………………………………………5,531

By OPIOIDs………………………………………………. > 16,000

Of course we would not be responsible journalists if we failed to disclose the details of that rattlesnake fatality that occurred on Sunday, April 29. Barry Lester and his wife were driving some Oklahoma back roads to on their way to Keystone Lake to celebrate his 57th birthday. Lester spotted a timber rattler in the road and stopped to remove it.

Bad idea. When he picked up the snake, it bit him on his left hand. Then Lester moved the snake to his other hand, and it bit him on his right hand. He died on the way to the hospital.

And so, with one fatal rattlesnake bite every four months in the U.S.A., it’s easy to understand why states such as Texas and Oklahoma are well-known for their rattlesnake roundups. But with 5,500 gun fatalities in the same amount of time, GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY GUN YOU ELITIST SNOWFLAKE!

4. Brandi, Show Us Your Bust

No, not that bust. The one they molded of you for your induction into the Bay Area Sports Hall Of Fame (BASHOF). Wow.

 

Brandi Chastain is one of the most beautiful athletes I’ve ever covered. How this became her plaque is a freaking embarrassment for BASHOF. Makes Cristiano’s look perfect. pic.twitter.com/hta6c0cmSo

— Ann Killion (@annkillion) May 22, 2018

5. Don’t Ask, Don’t 

They won’t allow gays in the military but they will allow this every spring. Yesterday at the Naval Academy they conducted the Herndon Climb, the scaling of a 21-foot obelisk on post that officially signals the end of plebe year, as they have every year since 1959. Plebe Shawn Chapman got to be man on tap and it only took 2 hours and 9 minutes an 23 seconds to do so.

Mike Pence recommends conversion therapy.

(Related: Does the Naval Academy need a few more African-American plebes? We bet they could cut this record in half.)

Reserves

CHK, Mate

Our semi-frequent update on how Chesapeake Energy (CHK) is the most worthwhile yo-yo stock worth tracking (worth fracking?).

Price of CHK on May 3: $2.87

Price of CHK this morning: $4.75

That’s a 66% jump in less than three weeks. We regret to say we only took small advantage of this precipitous climb. But there will be a next time. There always is with CHK.

Music 101

Walking With A Ghost

Calgary-born twins Tegan and Sara Quin are better known simply as Tegan and Sara. This 2004 album was later covered by White Stripes.

Remote Patrol

Rockets at Warriors, Game 4

9 p.m. TNT

13. 22. 41. It’s like watching one tennis match take place on two different courts. Or a horse race between two races on concentric tracks. The gaps in the final scores keep widening like a Kilauea fissure.