by John Walters

Starting Five

Baker Backers

Cleveland Brown fans had barely washed the taste of Johnny Manziel out of their mouths and then their franchise goes ahead and drafts Baker Mayfield with the number one pick? So who will he be, a relatively short, not-quite-as-athletic-as Russell Wilson bust or the dude who put up the top two individual seasons, based on QBR ratings, in the modern history of college football?

It’s easy to lean toward the former, but let’s remember that Mayfield has surpassed expectations and overcome hurdles everywhere he’s been. At Texas Tech he walked on and then started as a freshman. At Oklahoma he walked on again—basically arriving unannounced in Norman—and twice led the Sooners to the college football playoff and won the Heisman Trophy.

2. Draft Night USA

It was a night that began and ended with a Heisman Trophy winner: Baker taken at No. 1 and Lamar Jackson taken at No. 32 and their teams play twice a year.

Winners: New York Giants, selecting Saquon Barkley at No. 2…Josh Rosen, landing in Arizona, even if he was the fourth QB picked; are they now the A-Rosen-a Cardinals?….Former Notre Dame O-line coach Harry Hiestand, who had two of his players selected in the top nine…the Edmunds DNA, as two brothers (Tremaine and Terrell) are chosen in the first round for the first time…the Broncos and Chargers, who see a pair of All-ACC studs—DE Bradley Chubb and safety Derwin James—fall into their laps.

Losers: Browns fans. You had two of the top four picks, and you take two guys who are the size of Douglas in accounting. Denzel Ward meets a need, but I’m not sure anyone is all that excited about it….Sam Darnold and Josh Allen, who were raised in California and now find themselves in New Jersey and Buffalo. Climate change is real…the Oakland Raiders, who selected 15th and took an O-lineman from UCLA?!?

3. Infinity War Opens. Infinity War Ends.

In what may be an historic moment for a whole bunch of humans named Kim, South Korea and North Korea have decided to make up. Today leaders Kim Jong-Un of North Korea and Moon Jae-in of South Korea met at the DMZ and pledged to formally end the Korean War (you can return to Crabapple Cove, Hawkeye) and to move toward complete denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula. A North Korean leader had never set foot in the South before this moment.

Sometimes, holding a grudge just gets too tiring.

4. He Was Weird Harold All Along

On Wednesday a jury found Bill Cosby, a.k.a. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, guilty on three counts of sexual assault against former Temple student Andrea Constand. Ms. Constant was the only one of dozens of accusers to actually bring criminal charges against America’s Dad as opposed to sharing their stories with New York magazine.

This trial originally ended with a hung jury two years ago, but then the judge let five former victims who’d been assaulted in a similar fashion (drugged, then raped) dating back to 40 years ago testify. The pathology was more than evident and the guilty verdict came back. Cosby will almost certainly spend the rest of his life in jail.

And, oh, another ’80s NBC icon, Tom Brokaw, has been accused of sexual harassment by former NBC anchor Linda Vester. The alleged incident(s) date back 25 years.

So that’s Lauer, possibly Brokaw, and Bryant Gumbel is no dreamboat 

either. It may be that J. Fred Muggs is the only former Today Show host who treated his female co-workers with dignity.

5. The Prince of Tithes*

*The judges will also accept “Charred Chaplain”

Did you know there was a House Chaplain for the House of Representatives? We didn’t either, but currently there is not as the 60th House Chaplain in our nation’s history, a Jesuit priest named Patrick Conroy, was forced out last week by perpetually spineless Speaker Paul Ryan.

Apparently, during the tax debate last November Conroy offered up a prayer in which he said, in part:

“...may all Members be mindful that the institutions and structures of our great Nation guarantee the opportunities that have allowed some to achieve great success, while others continue to struggle. May their efforts these days guarantee that there are not winners and losers under new tax laws, but benefits balanced and shared by all Americans.”

Ryan was reportedly offended that Conroy’s views, in his mind, tilted Democratic (as do almost all of Jesus’ teachings, but that’s neither here nor there, right?). Ryan felt that the prayer tilted toward the idea that the tax cuts are more beneficial to the rich (which they are).

And Ryan is correct, of course. We all recall that part of the Sermon of the Mount where Jesus instructed his followers to give more of their scheckels and goats to property owners, who will then create more jobs with it and the surplus would trickle back down to them like water out of a rock. Right? Wasn’t that in there?

Music 101

Party In The U.S.A.

Give ’em hell, Hannah Montana. Okay, so the song is anything but autobiographical—Miley Cyrus is the daughter of a country music star and was famous herself as a kid—but this summer 2009 hit established her as a legit pop star at the age of 16. Not just a pretty face, she has a legit voice (ooh, hot take). Though the Red Hot Chili Peppers may want to ask for their bass line back. And you also have to love the Bellas’ rendition of it, below…

Remote Patrol

The Magnificent Seven

8 p.m. TCM

Why watch this 1960 Western starring Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson and James Coburn, among others? First, it’s an American remake of Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 classic, The Seven Samurai. Second, it has arguably the best score of any Western ever filmed.