by John Walters

Starting Five

You’re Backfired!

Will President Donald Trump’s hasty and impulsive decision to fire FBI Director James Comey only intensify speculation and exploration into his campaign’s alleged ties to Russia? The impulse for Bureau insiders to leak tidbits to the media just rose exponentially, and even a casual student of history might have reminded President Trump that Deep Throat, the informant who helped take down the Nixon presidency, was FBI Associate Director W. Mark Felt.

Delete Caps*

*The judges will also accept “Washington Weak In Review”

The Pittsburgh Penguins defeat the Washington Capitals 2-0 in Game 7 of the NHL Eastern Conference semis. The loss marks the seventh time in as many chances during the Alex Ovechkin era that the Caps (Katie stopped reading this item 17 words ago), who had the NHL’s top record this season, failed to advance to the conference finals. The Washington Wizards also lose Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference semis to the Boston Celtics.

Spicer Girl

As White House press secretary Sean Spicer fulfills his Naval Reserve duties (as opposed to his naval-gazing reserve duties) Monday through Friday, deputy flak Sarah “I Heart” Huckabee Sanders takes the podium. If she performs well….well, President Trump has not fired anyone of note since Tuesday. Related: Melissa McCarthy hosts the season finale of Saturday Night Live this weekend.

“Sarah, does your dad understand how acronyms work?”

CNN now stands for Cardiac Care Network because their ppl are having heart attacks over Trump doing what Dems once demanded-fire Comey.

— Gov. Mike Huckabee (@GovMikeHuckabee) May 10, 2017

Flight Club*

*The judges will also accept “Airpain!”

Another week, another cabin-pressure fracas posted on social media as two passengers aboard a Southwest Airlines flight duke it out in coach. When did UFC begin to stand for “Unhinged Flying Combatants?”

Will The Circle Be Unbroken?

Despite the appeal of two-time Oscar-winner Tom Hanks and Hogwart’s alum Emma Watson, the dystopian Silicon Valley (pardon the redundancy) thriller The Circle is reaching “mother of all bombs” status at the box office. In its second weekend, the film grossed less than $4 million, finishing behind The Boss Baby and How To Be a Latin Lover. Perhaps if fewer of us were online, more of us would have seen it.

Music 101 

It Ends Tonight

I’ve never seen another band live that was so crass as to tell the young girls in the audience to find their bodyguards near the stage and that, you know, if you’re smoking enough, you’re invited back to the hotel for the after party, but All-American Rejects did that when I saw them in Phoenix about 10 years ago. D-bags. But they did have a few outstanding radio-friendly tunes, and this was one of them (related: I wasn’t hot enough).

Remote Patrol

Game 6: Spurs at Rockets

8 p.m. ESPN

I’m still not really that interested in the NBA playoffs. Are you? I’ll be sorta interested int the Western Conference finals, wholly uninterested in the Eastern Conference finals, and once again interested in the NBA Finals. None of this matters as much, of course, as what LaVar Ball does next.