IT’S ALL HAPPENING!

by John Walters
https://mediumhappi.org/?p=6978

by John Walters

Starting Five

1. Magic Ball, a.k.a Race To The Bottom

With each UCLA victory in the NCAA tourney (and even before), more and more people use the word “transcendent” to describe the game of Bruin freshman Lonzo Ball. Meanwhile, fellow Pac-12 freshman Markelle Fultz is being called the No. 1 pick in June’s draft, but nobody besides scouts and people in flannel shirts have seen him play. There’s no sizzle there.

So here’s what intrigues me: 1) If you have the first pick in the draft, are you really going to take a guard from a Pac-12 team that couldn’t even make the NCAA tourney over a guard from a Pac-12 team who is the main reason that team is leading the nation in scoring, assists AND field-goal percentage, who has a much higher sizzle factor, and who may simply be better? 2) Here are the three worst teams in the NBA: Brooklyn Nets (14-56; their pick goes to Boston), L.A. Lakers (20-51) and Phoenix Suns (22-49). Is there any way that Ball, who grew up not too far from L.A. and who would be a rock star for a dynastic franchise looking to reboot, does not end up at the Staples Center for 43 games a season? Here are the NBA Draft Lottery odds:

  1. 250 combinations, 25.0% chance of receiving the #1 pick
  2. 199 combinations, 19.9% chance
  3. 156 combinations, 15.6% chance
  4. 119 combinations, 11.9% chance
  5. 88 combinations, 8.8% chance
  6. 63 combinations, 6.3% chance
  7. 43 combinations, 4.3% chance
  8. 28 combinations, 2.8% chance
  9. 17 combinations, 1.7% chance
  10. 11 combinations, 1.1% chance
  11. 8 combinations, 0.8% chance
  12. 7 combinations, 0.7% chance
  13. 6 combinations, 0.6% chance
  14. 5 combinations, 0.5% chance

    Josh Jackson should be in Phoenix next weekend and then next season.

    Josh Jackson should be in Phoenix next weekend and then for good next season.

It seems to make the most sense that the Lakers win the lottery with their 19.9% chance and (Psst, Rob Pelinka: Don’t overthink your first real move as GM) and take Ball, which will incite an 18,000-word Bill Simmons column about how Adam Silver rigged the lottery, in which case the name Patrick Ewing will surface. I’d love to see the Nets/Celtics actually win the lottery with their best odds and take Ball, which would be almost as satisfying as actually beating the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

Either way, I just know my Suns won’t be landing Ball. We’ll be happy with Josh Jackson at 3,

2. “STELLA! STELLA!!!!!!!!”

Someone didn’t do their high school English assignment 25 years ago and it cost him $1,600. Then again, I think I saw A Streetcar Naked Desire on Cinemax a number of years ago.

3. The Cranky Sports Guy

The downward spiral continues. Yesterday Bill Simmons, millionaire, complained on Twitter about a former writer at Grantland, Jonah Keri, stealing his bit and using it for other sites. Technically, sure, he has a point, but I’m not sure a Trade Value column poaching is the hill you want to die on here. You have to understand that it’s not as if you’re Tom Petty and the Red Hot Chili Peppers stole your riff to “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” It’s a sports column and it’s not as if Keri ended the column by writing, “Yep, these are my readers.”

If you’re wondering why Simmons simply didn’t privately contact Keri about his gripe, well 1) I don’t know, either or 2) maybe he did. Either way, the fact that Keri acknowledged Simmons in his column for sorta creating the idea should’ve been enough. No?

The thing of it is, 47 year-old Bill Simmons has become the type of self-absorbed media monster that 27 year-old Bill Simmons would have really enjoyed taking the piss out of. And he would have been hilarious doing it. Tweets such as this have a Butterfly Effect: Simmons tweets this and 3 dozen people back in Bristol nod their heads and say, “I told you so.”

4. So Long, Gong

Barris was 87

Barris was 87

Somewhere in America this conversation is taking place right now:

“Did you hear that Chuck Barris died?”

“No, Chuck Berry died.”

“No, Chuck Barris.
    “Berry. The musician.
“No, The Gong Show host.”

“Berry.

“Barris.”

“Berry!”

“Bar–GONG!”

Kids, you’re both correct.

Anyway, they both died within the past four days. Weird. Barris hosted The Gong Show, which was a savagely cruel talent show/game show that aired in the mid-Seventies in which the acts could be “Gong’ed” off stage if they were awful enough (and they often were). If David Letterman has a favorite game show, my guess is this one is it. It was like the antecedent to Stupid Human Tricks, and Barris was the perfect, unhinged but amicable, host for it.

(Why don’t people have this much fun on TV any more? And why do they take themselves so seriously now?)

You may also have seen the biopic on him starring Sam Rockwell, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, in which Barris claimed to have been an assassin for the CIA. I don’t know if we can verify that, but Barris did help create The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game and wrote the pop hit “Palisades Park.”

Barris will be buried next to the Tomb of the Unknown Comic.

p.s. MH sensors would only allow us to show you this video via link….

5. Burp Ease

I came across this story in Runner’s World in which the author did three sets of 10 burpees for 15 days and noticed a change in her energy and fitness level (the story quotes Dr. Jordan Metzl, whom I’ve met a few times and is probably better than any doctor I know in terms of getting his name in fitness publications; who’s his P.R. person?).

Anyway, burpees truly are a great way to measure how UNFIT you are and if you don’t believe me, go ahead and do a set of 10 of them right now. Did you know that they were invented by a then physiology grad student at Columbia Teachers College (NYC) in 1939 named Royal H. Burpee (I just learned that).

I highly recommend even just adding one set of 10 (to start) to your daily routine and see if you notice a difference after a month. And if you’re not sure how to do a burpee, here’s FOMH Amelia Boone to demonstrate:

Music 101

It’s Time

Once in awhile the MH staffers pick a song that’s not of legal drinking age. This one from Imagine Dragons was released in 2012 and is one their bigger hits. I wish I didn’t hate this band’s name.

Remote Patrol

March Malice Doubleheader

TCM

1:45 p.m. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane

8 p.m. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

If you are watching

If you are watching “The Feud” on FX, this is the film around which it is centered

You’ve got Joan Crawford and Bette Davis in the opener and Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne in the nightcap. On AFI’s list of Greatest Movie Stars, Davis is No. 2 and Crawford No. 10 among women, while Stewart is No. 3 and the Duke No. 13 among men.

West Coasters and night owls: At 12:15 a.m. EST and 9:15 p.m. PST on TMC, it’s a genuine classic, Touch of Evil, a 1958 film noir starring Charlton Heston, Janet Leigh and Orson Welles (written and directed by Orson). Also, you get another creepy scene involving Leigh and a bizarre innkeeper, this one played by Dennis Weaver. If you’re up or out west, highly recommend. TMC is hitting it out of the park the past fortnight.

11 thoughts on “IT’S ALL HAPPENING!”

  1. Come on – burpees are named for a guy named Burpee? Mind blown. Put that in the category of things you didn’t know were named after real people, like bloomers and the saxophone.

    Reply

  2. Top-five picks are the most valuable commodity in the star-driven NBA, and the Lakers have made good but not home-run picks the last two times they had them (Brandon Ingram and D’Angelo Russell). Drafting by “sizzle factor” is a sure-fire way to screw up a No. 1 pick. Draft Ball if he’s the best on your board; if he’s not, pick the best. And don’t spend a minute considering how well UCLA did compared to Washington. Ball had another first-round pick playing alongside him (TJ Leaf), not to mention another fringe first-rounder (Ike Aniglogu) and one of the top scorers in UCLA history (Bryce Alford). Foltz had none of that.

    Reply

  3. Lonzo Ball, fair or not, is going to have a lot of pressure on him. I certainly wish him the best, but let’s not forget the psychological effects of these things.

    Reply

  4. Just to clarify (& I’m “asking for somebody else”…), if one day a website appeared called ‘Another Day of Trump’ or ‘Medium-Large Happy’, you’d be a-ok with that?

    Speaking of ‘Another Day of Trump’, it’s been over a week since its last appearance. Sure, you mentioned The Sociopath yesterday, but not under the usual heading. Here’s the thing, while I abhor the REALITY of another day of Trump, I LUV ‘Another Day of Trump, I look forward to ‘Another Day of Trump’, I RELY on ‘Another Day of Trump’. So, help a gal out. 🙂

    What NBA team would put up with ‘that Dad’?

    Where do you stand (or, ahem, sit) on the Resting Players “phenomenon”? I have ALWAYS thought the season was too damn long & now that they’re all making so much money, they should cut the reg season by 6-10 games & take the 7-10% pay cut. The AVERAGE players now making $10-14 million/year can somehow survive on $9-$12 million. Plus, here’s a new “rule” to be added to the NBA Guidelines – any player who is over 30 & has started for 10 years, is allowed to DNP-rest for up to 5 games/season. For every year you play after 10, you get another day, capped out at 10. Also, any former player of the 70s, 80s, 90s, & early 2000s who bitches & moans how THEY trudged to the arenas in waist-deep snow (something to that effect) “82 times a year” should pass on the offered health insurance for retired players, ’cause heck, they’re so damn healthy, they don’t need it.

    Reply

    • The season isn’t too damn long. The playoffs are too damn long. The season’s been 82 games long for more than 60 years. That hasn’t changed.

      As for your Simmons question, it’s the “theft” relative to what you have. I’ve had people borrow ideas (you’d be amazed at how many sites have come up with “5 Things You Need To Know” since I began “The Starting Five” nearly 5 years ago) and actual terms I’ve coined. None, unlike Keri, actually credited me in their use of it. Besides, relative to everything Simmons has been given/earned, it seemed a little petty. Would I have done what Keri did and just take Simmons’ idea, if in truth it was that unique? No. But if I were Simmons, I’d have called him (maybe he did) and told him that wasn’t cool.

      And I’ve never come close to mentioning the not cool things that happened to me at SI or the d-bag who’s still there who did them to me. But I’ve been tempted….

      Reply

      • It’s Deitsch. We all know it’s Deitsch.

        ……

        I’m just joking. His opinion is open-minded (and educated), and his podcast is high quality, in my opinion.

        Reply

      • Yes, the reg season has been 82 games for more then 60 years which is why I said I’ve “ALWAYS” thought it is too damn long. The individual games mean LITTLE because there are so many of them. The NBA & certain folks/companies in the media that covers it is only NOW “aghast” because certain SUPER STARS did not play/rested for a couple NATIONALLY televised games, specifically the Saturday night “Primetime” game they are trying to push this year as THE hot ticket. Sure, ABC is ticked, which means fellow Disney company & NBA “TV partner” ESPN is ticked. Fewer viewers mean advertisers are ticked, which means they won’t spend the money to continue advertising at those rates which means LESS money for that network & for the NBA. On one hand, the coaches were completely myopic to think there would NOT be huge blow-back. On the other hand, the NBA needs to FIX the ridiculous back-back scheduling. If you want a certain game to be THE national game of the week then make damn sure it is NOT a back-back game, especially for the road team.

        Pop’s been resting his older players for HOW many years? It only became a “thing” when he sent home ALL his starters before a road game at Miami during the LeBron reign & the Heat were must-see TV. Except for that game, did anyone ever care before? To be honest, how many folks outside of San Antonio were die-hard Timmy fans?

        I understand the money. Believe me, as a DIS stockholder, I was ticked too. But as a, ahem, LeBron fan, I care more about him & his readiness for his 7TH STRAIGHT PUSH FOR THE FINALS. “Sit right here, Sweet Pea, lemme get you a pillow, prop your feet up riiiight here, anything I can get ya? Gatorade? Um, some Sprite? Some mags? How about a back rub?” 🙂

        Also, I’ve been thinking up some modifications for my new NBA “Resting” Guidelines. Any rest-qualified player who misses 10 games per season due to illness or injury, loses one of his possible rest games. If he misses 20 games, then he loses 2 rest games, etc.

        I actually think the NBA’s post-season is almost perfect EXCEPT the 1st round should be 3 of 5 games. I believe it used to be that but of course to go back means LESS money for the team owners, the arenas, the TV networks & the NBA so there is more chance I’ll be hired as the NBA’s new Commissioner of Rest before THAT happens.

        Any time you want to ‘unload’ about your mistreatment at SI (or NBC), we’ll be all ears, I mean, eyes. Except that would mean you are permanently burning that bridge & until the day your NVDA shares become 50-baggers &/or you retire from paid journalism, you should probably wait. Besides, your eventual book should be the place for the tell-all. 🙂

        Reply

        • Susie B.

          I’ve got you covered on the NBA story later today in Newsweek.

          As for not airing my dirty SI laundry (or not naming specifics), that has nothing to do with hoping to return. I’m much happier where I am. It’s about the way I was raised. The thing about dirty laundry is that it always eventually comes out in the wash.

          Reply

        • Wait. The NBA season is too long, but the postseason is almost perfect?

          Wake me up in September when the postseason ends.

          Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *