by John Walters

Starting Five

Tragic Kingdom

At a Walt Disney World property in Orlando, Florida, a two year-old boy whose family was on vacation from Nebraska was snatched by an alligator and pulled into the water. The father was standing close to the toddler and made an attempt to rescue his son, but in vain. It’s tragic, of course, and you just don’t know how parents ever recover from this.

I’m going to tread as lightly as I can here, but I’d like to make a few points, keeping in mind all the while that this is a heartbreaking loss for a family whose parents were only trying to do a very wonderful thing, creating magic memories for their kids. It’s terrible. First point: Has any entity in the world done more to anthropomorphize wild animals than Disney? I Google Searched “Disney Alligator” this morning looking for a photo to run above, but instead the photo below popped up:

There’s a fine line between the wonderful things Disney does, introducing young children to animals, and also the reality of the fact that animals are amoral, that their only motivation is survival. And it’s not Disney’s job to raise your kids; it’s yours, of course. And none of what I just wrote assigns any blame to the father. I’m sure the family assumed, rightly so, that they were in a very safe place. They weren’t. That’s not the alligator’s fault; that’s Disney’s (HUGE lawsuit coming).

Second point is that there is no need for Disney to hunt down this alligator. None at all; Robert Iger may be going apeshit right now, and some executive may feel the need for people to see that he is DOING SOMETHING (again, that HUGE lawsuit pending, although if I’m Disney I just write a check for $10 million to that family today), but that child, wading in one foot of water in a huge lagoon, was simply prey. He was unintentionally in the gator’s habitat, not the other way around. It’s tragic, absolutely; but if you’re saying, “Well, that gator could kill another young child,” my response is, “Abso-damn-lutely, which is why Disney shouldn’t be allowing people in that lagoon.”

Finally, I’ve been to Australia a couple times. Done the croc safaris on rivers, gone to croc farms. Aussies are much more closely connected to nature than we are. I remember more than one Aussie telling me stories of humans abducted by crocs and what always stuck with me is how matter of fact they were about it. They never assigned blame to the crocs. They understand, to borrow a Disney term, the “circle of life.” And they understand that just because we figured out wifi doesn’t takes us outside that circle.

2. Viking Quest!*

*The judges will also accept any witticism involving “-son” that Steve Rushin cares to offer (“-Sons of Anarchy?”, “My 11 -Sons?”)

At Euro 2016 yesterday Iceland, whose starting lineup features 11 players whose surnames end in “-son” or “-sson,” shocked tourney favorite Portugal and Cristiano Ronaldo by gaining a 1-1 draw. The good news for soccer fans? More crowd shots of Icelandic soccer fans!

3. First Take Written Audition*

*Because the judges thought that ‘Ding Dong’ was too easy and lazy.

Here’s Kevin Ding of Bleacher Report, filing a virtual Stephen Curry hagiography on June 11, a story titled, “In Mastering the Use of Force, Stephen Curry Bests LeBron James at His Own Game.” And here’s Kevin Ding three days later, filing a story whose headline deems the unanimous MVP as having “failed his leadership test.”

You wanna guess which of the two pieces got picked up by CNN.com and ran on its home page?

I get that story lines change, that Curry was outstanding in Game 4 (38 points in a road win) and merely mortal in Game 5 (21 points at home in a potential close out game) and not one of the top three players on the floor. Maybe even not among the top five if you factor in Iguodala and Tristan Thompson.

Still, the Warriors lost for a number of reasons: 1) Kyrie and LeBron played their best game as teammates yet 2) Draymond was absent 3) for the second half, so was Bogut 4) Harrison Barnes, a starter, shot a putrid 2 of 14.

Did Curry technically fail, as league MVP, to secure an NBA championship playing on his home floor? Yes. Is that the story, though, or is that the story BR is using to get clicks? Hey, it worked. But it’s dishonest journalism, and it’s one big reason so many people, readers and players alike, loathe journalists. And stories like this is why they should. To Ding’s credit, though, he has not yet announced that he would have gotten a conviction against O.J.

4. Marcus, Oh, Really?: Us*

*The judges should have warmed up before stretching that far

If you haven’t seen the second episode of O.J.: Made In America, you may want to skip this item. I’ve always been most curious about the final years of O.J. and Nicole’s life before her murder, because it’s the part I knew the least about. And in the last 20 minutes of Episode 2, they tackle it with gusto.

Basically, O.J. was first abusive, verbally and physically, and then insanely jealous. Nicole took up with the owner of a few restaurants, Keith Zlomsowitch, when they were estranged  and O.J. stalked them, which included watching them make whoopee (Bob Eubanks shout-out). When O.J. and Nicole reunited, Keith stayed out of the picture.

But it was then that Marcus Allen, a Heisman-winning former USC tailback who had looked up to O.J. as a mentor, entered the scene. As Nicole’s friend said on camera with a smirk on her face, “Marcus was a better, bigger O.J.” No, you di’unt.

It’s a pretty small leap, if you listen to the people being interviewed, to infer that in the last month of her life Nicole was hooking up with Allen, who was by then with the Kansas City Chiefs. Also, I believe Keith owned Mezzaluna, where Nicole had her final meal and where Ronald Goldman worked.

So, a few thoughts: 1) O.J. was insanely angry, understandably so to a degree, at Allen, a friend, a married man, and a fellow USC alum who had basically been his protege. 2) In 1994, how different did Ronald Goldman look from Keith Zlomsowitch? Especially in the dark? 3) When O.J. showed up at the house on Bundy (assuming, of course, that he did it….:) ) what and who was he expecting to find? And had he worked himself into such a rage by that moment, thanks in no small part to Allen, that it no longer really mattered?

5. Would Donald Take His Ball and Go Home?

(The boy above, from Arlington Heights, Ill., is quite talented)

DT’s insinuation earlier this week that the President of the United States was sympathetic to ISIL and was apathetic to the 49 people murdered in Orlando may be the worst thing he’s said…since the week before. Honestly, can anyone even keep track any more?

And so I jumped forward and wondered, what if America’s conscience finally stands up and realizes, collectively, that this clown is unfit to be president? What if Donald, who has been running from a comfortable lead for almost 12 months now, starts falling behind HRC by large numbers in every national poll? What might happen?

I honestly cannot see Trump sticking around in a race where the handwriting is on the wall that he is going to be trounced. And while the ordinary GOP nominee, who’s risen through the party over a decade or two, might remain just to be loyal to the party, Trump has no such allegiance. His loyalty is to Trump. And so, as one tweep put it, “I can see him taking his ball and going home. That’s what bratty kids do.”

And I’m not a Republican strategist, but I’d like to think that just one of them is smarter and more prescient than I. And that they’ve considered this scenario. And so if I’m them I want this to happen sooner or later. I want Hillary to take a 10 to 15-point lead in the polls by the end of June so I can start persuading Donald to cut and run with dignity. Because that way I could still name a replacement at the convention.

In fact, it may be in HRC’s best interest to slow play this hand. Make an ill-advised Benghazi joke at her next rally just to keep Donald close for another month. He’ll eventually say something stupid again, anyway. But the point is this: Does Donald stick around through August and September if HRC has a “HUUUUGE” lead? I don’t think so.

Music 101

Love Is Like Oxygen

It’s been awhile since we featured British band Sweet here, but I honestly can’t think of another band that was more of a role model for Spinal Tap (with the notable exception that Sweet wrote two quality songs, this 1978 hit being one of them and “Fox On the Run” being the other). The song, the band’s last Top 10 hit, reached No. 8 here in the States.

Added fun here: watch how many times lead vocalist Brian Connolly nearly forgets to put microphone to his mouth to maintain the illusion that this performance is not being lip-synched.

Remote Patrol

Late Night TV

11:30 p.m. 

Some great guests tonight: Oprah appears on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and I’m more than a little curious to hear her thoughts on the election; Jay Leno appears on his former show, The Tonight Show, but in Dave’s old NBC studio at 30 Rock (or at least in Dave’s old building); and on Late Night with Seth Meyers, Ezra Edelman, the man behind the O.J. doc, and Martin Short, one of the world’s three best talk show guests (Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey are the others).

Note for tomorrow: At 9 a.m. on ESPN, England (Wayne Rooney) versus Wales (Gareth Bale). FC, UK, in no particular order of letters.