by John Walters

Starting Five

1.Welcome Back, Cavs

Man, I had my “Sweeped Pea?” headline all ready to go if Golden State prevailed last night, but kudos to Cleveland for showing up big time. 120-90, and LeBron James scored 32. Not surprised. The Cavs entered the game 7-0 at home this postseason while Golden State entered 0-3 in Game 3 contests, so form held.

Quick Questions: 1) Will the Cavs “Blatt” Kevin Love? 2) Is, as Steve Kerr asked his two-time MVP after benching him in the second quarter last night, “Something wrong?” with Stephen Curry? Is there something going on off the court? And how did that hottie in the tight blue top for Game 1 get such good tickets? Hmmm. Steph hasn’t seemed himself all series. Whaddup? 3) Did Klay Thompson really complain about someone on another team setting a moving pick? Ha. 4) Don’t you love it when the Cavs brainwash J.R.  Smith and convince him it’s just a Rucker Park game? 5) Now that we’ve just had our 19th game of this postseason in which one team lost by at least 25 points (previous record, 11 games), may I write a 5,000-word think piece on how emotionally fragile millennials are?

2. Bill of Rights (and Wrongs)

We really like Bill Simmons‘ work. We do. Particularly the Mailbag (we wish he’d return to doing those) and the running diaries of drafts, award shows, etc. But man, can he put those Size 11’s (we’re assuming) in his gob sometimes. Yesterday, there was an excellent story in the Hollywood Reporter by Lacey Rose (who sounds as if she should be headlining Coachella ’17) but all most people will remember is this bitter quote by B.S.: ”

“ESPN has now gotten rid of everybody who is a little off the beaten path. Ask yourself this: ‘Who could work there that you respect right now?'”

So then Bill apologized, and it was a solid, sincere apology. It was not an  “I’m sorry if you were offended…” crap apology. It was a good apology. I mean it wasn’t Plato’s Apology, but what is? It wasn’t Kurt Cobain’s “All Apologies,” but again, what is?

Simmons apologized for “being a jackass” and took ownership of the quote. But then Bill mentioned 27 humans at ESPN who really are, as he put it, “great and talented people,” which is fine except he’s thereby excluding everyone else at ESPN with whom he came in contact (I imagine Norby felt particularly slighted). The only person I could not find on that list with whom Simmons worked closely, by the way? Sage Steele. So they’ll not be attending each others’ kids’ birthday parties.

3. Milk of the Papi

David Ortiz, Designated Hitter (not to be confused with Donald Trump, Designated Hitler), Boston Red Sox. Key Stats:

40 years old

OBP:  .425, leads American League

Slugging %: .728, leads American League

RBI: 55, leads American League

Doubles: 26, leads American League

The Dominican Republican plans to retire after this, his 20th season. Why? He’s a sure-fire Hall of Famer either way and the most ruthless Yankee Killer of this millennium. Can he win the MVP as a DH? We’ll see (yes).

4. Laugh Again with Gaffigan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4c9vphFoSk

You know me by now: if it has anything to do with Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, it’s showing up here. So enjoy this teaser/trailer for its upcoming eighth season, featuring Jim Gaffigan, John Oliver, J.B. Smoove, Margaret Cho, Lorne Michaels and Judd Apatow.

I’m still waiting for Jerry to discover under-40 comics Nick Kroll, John Mulaney and Mike Birbiglia (especially since two of the folks on this year’s roster have never, to my knowledge, done standup). Maybe next season.

Also, Seinfeld interviewing Bill Cosby in jail (“Comedians Incarcerated Getting Coffee”) would be Crackle’s highest-rated most-streamed show yet, no?

5. Kalamazoo Carnage

Here’s more on the senseless tragedy in Kalamazoo, in which five cyclists were killed by Charles Pickett, a 50 year-old Battle Creek resident. I really don’t care if Pickett was impaired or not (unless he was suffering a heart attack, which it does not appear that he was). It’s like waving around a loaded gun and firing it: Does it really matter if you are drunk or not? It’s manslaughter at least, second-degree murder at worst. Charges are expected to be filed today.

Music 101

Afternoon Delight

Because it’s just THAT beautiful a day in New York City. Thank you, Starland Vocal Band, a.k.a. “Poor Man’s ABBA.”