by John Walters

Aaaaaaaaaaand….

Starting Five

Marked Cuban

The early returns from last night in the First Four and the Last GOP Four: Florida Gulf Coast and Florida, Trump Coasts. We wrote a song about our favorite youthful, telegenic senator dropping out of the race.

To be sung to the melody of a certain Phil Collins song:

There’s a pol who cannot find his base,

And now he has to leave the race,

Marco Rubio, oh oh,

He may as well have sealed his fate.

When he failed to win the Sunshine State,

Marco Rubio, oh oh,

Oh, if there’s an election he’ll be there,

He’ll come running from anywhere,

It’s all he needs, he won’t be swayed,

From saying he’s the son of a bartender and maid,

Marco Rubio, just say the words,

Oh, Marco Rubio

2. The Gloves Come On

If you missed “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson” last night, lead prosecutor Marcia Clark attends a birthday party for one of Chris Darden’s friends. Then one of them spouts a theory about how Det. Mark Fuhrman planted the glove at O.J.’s house on Rockingham. What follows is the most brilliant reconstruction and dismantling of a crime theory since Jerry’s “Magic Loogie” scene on Seinfeld.

But of course, it won’t matter. Because even when you present the evidence that clearly to people, take them step by step through why something is completely illogical, they’ll still vote not with their heads but with their hearts and souls. Which is why The People Vs. O.J. is the perfect TV movie for the current elections season.

Also worth noting: Maybe if Darden hooks up with Marcia at the end of that night, he isn’t so eager to prove his manhood in court the following week and he doesn’t defy Clark’s orders about introducing the glove into evidence. Darden got played by the defense.

3. No B.S. From B.S.

As the relationship between Bill Simmons and ESPN began to get frosty (Sept., 2014-May, 2015), Simmons made a comment on The Herd (then an ESPN show) about how LeBron James did not look as formidable in Cleveland four games into his return there. “Anyone who thinks LeBron looks the same is fooling themselves,” Simmons said. “He doesn’t have the same impulsiveness. He looks 20 pounds lighter physically. Just his general force-of-natureness capacity — whatever you want to say — it’s not there.

The following day on Mike & Mike, ESPN’s morning, Isn’t-everything-wonderful? TV/radio simulcast, Mike Golic played the clip of Simmons talking to Cowherd and opined, ““I think it’s one of the most ridiculous statements I’ve heard four games into a season in my life in any sport. That’s what I’ll say about Bill Simmons. So, you know, he grabbed a headline, which is something I know he loves — and that’s one of the most ridiculous lines I’ve ever heard in any sport in my life. Four games into a season. I don’t even … that’s ridiculous.”

And with that—sorry, Chris Darden—the gloves were off. Yesterday morning, Louisville coach Rick Pitino (he has a lot of free time this week) was an M&M guest (how come they’ve never secured this product as a sponsor of the show?!?) and the pair conducted what Simmons considered to be a soft interview (so he still listens or watches them).

And so Simmons inveighed upon them, a rant of Twitter, by suggesting questions they might’ve asked:
“Hey Rick, your program used hookers to recruit teenagers and you’re saying you’re not accountable – so, um, who’s winning the tournament?”

“Hey Rick – you presided over an escort scandal that got your school banned from the tournament and you didn’t quit. Who are your sleepers?”

“Hey Rick, you’ve had two damaging scandals at Louisville and you refuse to step down – what’s it like to coach against your son?”

“Hey Rick – most schools give their recruits free dinners, your school gave them free orgasms. What do you think of the one-and-done rule?”

The sports world is a more intriguing and entertaining world when Bill Simmons is pissed off (same goes for Steve Rushin, by the way).

4. Mateen Angst

You’re Ernie, Johnson, Greg Gumbel, Clark Kellogg, Seth Davis, Doug Gottlieb, Wally Szczerbiak, and whoever else CBS/Turner was supposed to mic up in its studio for the NCAA tournament. So how do you handle, on-air, the absence of someone who was supposed to be joining you, who also happens to be a former Final Four Most Outstanding Player: Mateen Cleaves?

Yesterday authorities in Wayne County, Mich., charged Cleaves, who led the Spartans to the national championship in 2000, with “with unlawful imprisonment, assault with intent to commit criminal sexual penetration, second-degree criminal sexual conduct and two counts of third-degree criminal sexual conduct.”

Is that bad? It’s not good. If convicted, Cleaves could face up to 15 years in prison.

Meanwhile, because rarely does anyone covering college hoops pay any attention to what transpires west of the Rockies, Cal, a 5 seed, just fired an assistant basketball coach—Yann Hufnagel—for sexual harassment of a female reporter covering the team. Moreover, it appears head coach Cuonzo Martin knew about the situation for two months before the athletic department alerted university officials.

There are two sides to every story. In both situations there may be some context that needs to be considered. Still, it’s a bad look for Sparty and for Cal, and we’ll see how CBS/Turner deal with both.

5. Don’t Mess With the Bojan

The only thing that can save New York City professional hoops, apparently, is Eastern Europeans. The Knicks’ Kristaps Porzingis (14 ppg, 7.2 rpg), alias “Three Six Latvia,” will likely be the runner-up for NBA Rookie of the Year. Meanwhile in Brooklyn, the Nets’ Bojan Bogdanovic scored 44 points last night in a win against (okay, here’s the mitigating part of the news) the Sixers. The 6’8″ second-year player from Yugoslavia was only averaging 10.5 points per game entering last night’s contest. Maybe Philly (9 wins) really is that bad.

Chesapeake Baywatch (CHK)

I bombard folks on Twitter with stock tips/items far too much, so I’ll save it for here. Yesterday CHK dropped 10%, from $4.45 to $3.95. This morning it is up more than 10%, from $3.95 to $4.46 per share. It’s so easy! It’s so (bleeping’) easy!

Music 101

The Unicorn Song

One of the better singalongs you’ll hear if you happen into an Irish pub tomorrow. Worth noting: There is St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago, Boston, New York and Philadelphia, and there is St. Patrick’s Day everywhere else (thanks for the suggestion, Yonk!)

Remote Patrol

The Americans

10 p.m. FX

It’s the season premiere of a show that a lot of folks consider to be the best drama on TV (I’ve never seen it). So it’s basically the star of Felicity and a British actor named Matthew Rhys as a husband-and-wife Russian spy team posing as Americans? And in real life they have now become a couple and are expecting a baby, which is not part of the plot? I think.