by John Walters
Exciting news. The publishing side of MH has come in from their $400 lunches at Del Frisco’s just long enough to pursue an exciting deal with Fuego Box, the primary sponsor of the Bill Simmons podcast. Fuego Box, they WANT to be your home-delivery hot sauce provider. We’ll have more in the coming weeks, but we can see this becoming at least a four-figure deal, that is if you include the two figures to the right of the decimal point.
Happy Birthday, Pippa! We miss you mocking your daughter on Letterman. (she turns 45)
Starting Five
I want them to name a hurricane “Tiger.” That way the band Survivor can appear on forecasts and warn us about “the eye of the Tigerrrrrr!”
1. Hurricane Rankings
1. Joaquin
Not Ranked: Miami
So you’ve got this dude named Joaquin entering the country without authorization and wreaking havoc on the economy? This is why we need to build a wall.
“Moore, Moore, Moore/How do you like it? How do you like it?”
Meanwhile, Golden Years at The U seem to be approaching an end, as Miami falls to Cincinnati and its backup quarterback, Hayden Moore, (the Bearcats are renowned for this, though: Tony Pike was lost to Zac Collaros, who may have been an upgrade) by a score of 34 to 23 (which is not a Chicago song; why would it be?). Nice unis, though, Miami. I like the “MIAMI” up the pant leg, but I’d go green or orange with it. Just some style advice.
2. “Somehow, This Has Become Routine”
— Disaffected single male, white, as the shooter? Check.
–Campus location? Check.
–Numerous dead? Check.
–“Thoughts and prayers?” Check.
Dig: I understand, as do most people, that guns themselves are not THE REASON so many of these shootings occur. And I think a serious discussion needs to take place as to the multiple factors that are playing into this epidemic. But the facile manner in which guns may be obtained by nut jobs IS part of the problem that is relatively easy to solve, no?
The man who sang “All You Need Is Love” was senselessly murdered by a gun 35 years ago. It’s not a new problem. But American culture’s toxic nature plus the easy access to guns means that these mass shootings will continue onward.
Last thing: Every news organization, particularly cable TV, that gives wall-to-wall coverage of these events as soon as they happen may not want to admit it, but they are helping to promote this scourge. A total loser wants to go out with, pardon the pun, a big bang? Might as well be famous on CNN. You won’t be around to hear it, but you do know that Wolf Blitzer will be saying your name. Yeah, it’s sick, but isn’t it part of their calculus?
Instead, I’d like more stories such as this one about Chris Mintz (oh, and he’s going to land a seven-figure book deal and a movie).
3. “Bear! Bear! Please Stop!”
If your answer is, “Things Mary Harmon Would Say” sorry, you’re wrong.
What I love about this video –and you may not agree — is how much I love the bear and how grating I find this woman’s voice. Her overall whiny nature. Also, that she goes all in with “gosh darn it!” Oh, and that she never stops filming.
Life lesson: Don’t pepper spray another creature in the face and then be upset when it exacts a little revenge.
Life Lesson #2: Learn your bear’s name. He probably didn’t appreciate being called “Bear” over and over again.
I do hope someone gives this woman a copy of the director’s cut of “Grizzly Man” as a Christmas present….
Finally: Remind me to never marry this woman. Remind everyone.
“It’s the end of September! Why are you here? You’re supposed to be asleep!”
Wondering if these were also the last words of Timothy Treadwell. I am guessing not.
This needs to become a NatGeo or Discovery reality show or at least a sitcom in which each week Bear ruins an item that our videographer deems inedible.
4. Rees’s Pieces
Remember how Austin Powers would boast that his middle name was “Danger?” Well, Taylor Rees’s middle name actually is “Freesolo.” Seriously. Her parents were climbers.
Rees is one of those annoying humans who is intelligent (Masters from Yale) and beautiful and doing fascinating things with her life like research projects in Greenland and Myanmar and making important documentary films with her fiancé about how to save the planet and I mean don’t you just hate her? Can’t she just watch “Real Housewives of Anchorage” or some other Alaska-based reality show (“Bear! Bear! Please Stop!”?) and be satisfied?
No, she has to be curious and passionate and oooooh! she just drives me crazy!!!!!
5. Where In The World?
Hey, JW, I’m beginning to suspect that this daily feature is just a means for you to have to write one less item each day and give yourself a break.
My feelings are hurt. Honestly, people….
Yesterday’s answer: The desert of Oman, the only nation named after a jive saying.
Music 101
American Pie
Is this the MOST American pop song ever written? The greatest American pop song ever written? If you want to make that argument, I won’t disagree. Don McLean, who turns 70 today, saw his hit go to No. 1 for four weeks in 1972.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Kg47g9WzA
Remote Patrol
Notre Dame at Clemson
ABC 8 p.m.
Jaylon Smith: Murder Train
As Notre Dame alum and Clemson associate A.D. Tim Bourret notes, 1,977 weeks have passed since the Irish visited Death Valley in 1977. Joe Montana, who was on the same field that day as Dwight Clark, led the Irish back from a 17-7 deficit in the fourth quarter to win 21-17. The Irish went on to win the national championship.
1st, I totally agree with AIR – you make this seem effortless when it’s absolutely not. But that’s what all the truly gifted do – make it look easy. You, jdubs, are the Fred Astaire of website writing/popular culture commentary. HOWEVER, this site is also like a drug – by day 3 of ‘The Sabbatical’, I was shaky, irritable & wild-eyed, needing my daily fix. I have already embarrassed myself (& probably you) multiple times by slobbering how much I enjoy this site (even when our opinions differ) so I won’t rhapsodize yet again, but you are much, MUCH appreciated.
The mass shootings in this country – I have NOT become numb, I am enraged that our “country” seems unwilling to DO anything. No gdamn flag (sorry for swearing) to distract the obvious in this incident, oh, who to blame, who to blame. Let’s start with the PATHETIC politicians in office who tweet “their hearts are with the families” or “thoughts & prayers”. NO, NO! They have no right to say ANYTHING unless they PERSONALLY work to stop this insanity. Yesterday I saw a tweet that stated the gun control debate had ceased in this country with Sandy Hook, if the mass killing of little children won’t force a change, then the “debate” is over. I was taken aback at 1st, but now I think the guy was devastatingly spot-on. What WILL it take for gun control in this country?
And on a happier topic : ND vs Clemson. Think the golden helmets can win? Man, I hope so, but they’ve lost so many starters & it’s at Death Valley, a sea of orange & the faint whisperings of Keith Jackson’s voice hanging in the air. Hmmm, my heart is with them. 🙂
Almost forgot! Bill Simmons return – I’d been counting down the days & am very glad to have his voice added to the cultural milieu once again but I REALLY want to read his writing far more than listen to a podcast. I did listen to the 1st 10 & last 5 minutes of his 1st podcast & then all of the 2nd. What I found particularly fascinating was that he did NOT go all scorched earth on ESPN, specifically the SUITS that forced him out. He barely mentioned them in passing. Instead, his main focus of spit was on ‘Mike & Mike’ & which I found completely unnecessary & actually made me think a bit less of Bill. I like them all & understand why Simmons & Golic (especially) would never be besties, but his trashing of that show & Golic was beneath him, or at least what I had thought of him. Disappointing. Plus, there are at LEAST 20 other TV ‘talent’ (so-called) on that network that are FAR more bile-inducing. Of course, one has already left the WWL & I think Bill is friends with him – Cowherd. Let’s talk about him for a minute – is he the POSTER BOY of “midlife crisis male” or what? Changes job, moves to CA, & DYES his hair a shade unseen in nature (on any mammal). Anybody know if he has bought a convertible Porsche or Corvette yet? You may like Cowherd & at times I think he’s entertaining but some of the stuff he STATES as if it’s actual FACT is HARMFUL because his idiotic listeners just believe whatever he says. And then there’s Skip & SAS. Unfortunately. If Simmons wanted to take a dump on ESPN’s ‘talent’, why not start with them? For pete’s sake, it’s like stepping on a mouse & letting the plague-spewing rat run free.
I agree with Susie B. on Simmons re: Mike and Mike. I understand the distaste towards the format to M&M’s show and how Simmons and others think it’s soft, not hard hitting, etc..Like, OK, you don’t like. Move on. There are a thousand shows out there. The thing is, Mike & Mike don’t pick bones with anyone. They bring guests on, those guests speak, and M&M give their opinions (non-abrasively).
“Disturbring” is not the right word, but there definitely (as Susie B. mentioned) was something off-putting by the way Simmons insulted Golic. He never offered a critical take on anything, but instead mocked Golic for the way he interviews others. The mocking, moreover, was a page straight out of elementary school.
Bill is a talented writer and, probably, personality. But it seems to me that something north of the neckline has become too inflated. It is not for me to criticize anyone, as he certainly is the epitome of working your way up a food chain, but c’mon.
According to Deitsch, it seems I spoke too soon – Simmons apparently waited till podcast#3 to don the ‘Sherman coat’. Guess I’ll have to give it a listen. Also, Simmons states that when he was suspended last September (for blowing kisses at Goodell), he was definitely outta there at the end of his contract. I had wondered about that. I also didn’t know he was so miserable the 2nd year at ‘NBA Countdown’. Since he was getting PAID to watch & talk about basketball (his 1st love) & was on-set with one of his best buds (Jalen), how BAD could it have been & why? If I listen to that podcast & he doesn’t explain why (& who), I’ll be ticked. BURN IT DOWN, BILL or let it go.
Wrong month for that suspension, it was December. (Dietsch again…)
“Her AGAIN?”
Sorry, sorry, should have listened to the podcast before commenting before & not just accepted Deitsch’s interpretation… Anyhoo, only the 1st 1o minutes or so of a 73 minute podcast was spent discussing ESPN & mostly about their lack of support for Grantland (specifically marketing, etc). There was NO ranting & NOT even any raving, just a quick discussion about Grantland & his last 2 fairly unhappy years at ESPN. He did say the suspension pretty much ended the idea of re-signing. And he mentioned NBA Countdown but did not even hint why it was so bad for him. Overall, except for the nasty swipes at M&M, I think he’s been surprisingly mild in his criticism of his former employer. Heck, Dan Patrick’s been gone 8 YEARS & he says nastier things on TV about ESPN on an almost weekly basis.
Do you know if/when/where he will write columns or at least his mailbag? Since I don’t get HBO, I won’t be able to see his TV show & don’t have the time to listen to too many podcasts. (Seriously, do people listen to these things all the time? WHEN?)