by John Walters
Happy birthday from myself and the Funkhousers to Larry David, who turns 68 today. Pretty…pretty…pretty good!
Also, a happy birthday to a true legend at Sports Illustrated and the woman who hired me, Bambi Wulf. It’s a name built for literary introspection.
Starting Five
UM, what went wrong?
1. Unnecessary Gruffness
Harbaugh. Cowherd. Bye?. Buy. Bye-bye…
2. Spending Spree…Well
Knight, Bledsoe, Booker, Goodwin. Phoenix keeps pushing toward an all-Kentucky lineup.
On the first day of NBA free agency, fans got a bitter taste of just how out of proportion NBA revenues are to our own expectations of economic reality: Brandon Knight, Suns, five years, $70 million. Khris Middleton, Bucks (I’ll say!), the same. Sure, Kevin Love got more (5 years, $110 M), but at least he’s an All-Star.
In the next five years Knight is set to earn more $$ each year than another 6’3″ Suns guard, who only retired last season, Steve Nash, ever earned in any year of his career.
The Cavs, by the way, sewed up Love, Tristan Thompson and Iman Shumpert for a combined $230 million…in case you were wondering what the going rate of bringing a championship to a city that hasn’t seen one in more than five decades costs.
3. Ohh, England
You can only feel empathy for Bassett, no? That patch is rather ironic.
An own goal in stoppage time by Laura Bassett dooms the English in the Women’s World Cup semi final versus Japan. Blimey!
Gary Smith has already typed 7,000 words on this….
4. Lost…and Unfortunately, Found
When your double murder suspect gives the mug shot photographer the side eye
The Missing Maricopans, Mike and Tina Careccia, have been found. Well, their bodies have. Not far from where the car disappeared. And not far from a local watering hole. A suspect, Jose Valenzuela, is in custody. Go ahead, Donald Trump, take a bow.
5. Peas Be With You
Legume (let go of me), peas! Even POTUS weighed in. They do not belong in guacamole. As someone tweeted at the New York Times, who suggested as much, “Nobody likes you.” It’s true, by the way.
Forrest Gump: “We go together like peas and carrots.” Okay.
Grey Lady: “We go together like peas and avocados.” Not so fast, my friend.
Reserves
. Donald: Duck!
Finally, the Rape of the Sabines has been solved. It wasn’t the Romans; it was a team of prep cooks.
Donald Trump to Don Lemon: “Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don! I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”
I’m no expert on crime statistics, Donald, but I’d say, “Men, mostly.” Also, men who know their victims.
I was really rooting for England & damn! I’d actually gotten up from the sofa to go get a Diet Pepsi refill as I THOUGHT the game was about to go into “Extra Time” when WHAM! Could not believe it. And that poor girl. Sure, sure, “comedy is hard” but accidentally making an Own Goal in the last few seconds that prevents your women’s team from its 1st ever World Cup Final is BRUTAL!
Well, at least Abby & the other American women that were on the 2011 WC team now have a do-over. Sort of. A win may not wipe the 2011 loss from their memories, but it will sure help! GO USA!
The NBA players aren’t the ONLY ones with financial windfalls this week, nope, it’s now the law in D.C. that Minimum Wage is, hold on to your swim fins, $10.50 an hour! Whoo-hooo! So, let’s see, if a D.C. min wage worker works for only 450 YEARS, he’d make as much as a good but not great player such as Shump in ONE YEAR. Ain’t that America…
It just occurred to me that the MORE that pro-athletes make, the LESS chance they have of keeping it within 10 years of their “retirement”. That kind of “unreal” money for someone who’s possibly NEVER worked any other kind of job means they will have no experience of working for an AVERAGE payday & of how to budget/save/invest. Plus, the more money they have now, the more lowlife financial conmen will flock to their sides. It sounds a bit insane that a guy making $100 MILLION in his 9-12 year sporting career is being set up to fail financially in the long term, but I think the problem will only get worse with the ever-bigger paydays.
Tell me, which is worse – the Confederate flag on a bunch of Civil War tourist crap or Donald “that’s my real hair” Trump in the White House? Some people will VOTE for that guy!
BTW, didn’t YOU state (several times throughout the season) that Kevin Love was, ahem, OUTTA Cleveland? Seems I am NOT the only failure in ‘SIGN reading’ on this site. 😉
Anyhoo, I think the Cavs need to spend some of Gilbert’s moola on a GOOD 3pt-shooter under the age of 30!