by John Walters
Starting Five
1. They’re Not Booing, They’re Just Saying, “Caitlyn! Caitlyn!”
From decathlete to heptathlete. Okay, fine.
I don’t have the slightest problem with the 1976 Olympic gold medalist changing his gender. I think I have a slight problem with the Tolerance Nazis ordering me how I’m supposed to feel about it.
Dig: Just because something is medically possible does not make it natural. On the other hand, just because something is unnatural does not make it unethical or “outside God’s plan.” Then again, you are welcome to differ with me on this second point if you like.
Also, part of the disbelief factor, for those of us who are old enough to remember the Montreal Games, is that in the mid-Seventies Bruce Jenner was the apotheosis of masculinity. He was the world’s strongest, fastest male. Being shocked by what has transpired may simply be a matter of, for people of a certain age, being amazed by the fact that this man, of all men, made this transformation.
It has been 39 years since Bruce Jenner graced the cover of a Wheaties box. I never kept up with the Kardashians. He always seemed like a good guy and I’m sure she’s a great gal. For me, I leave it at that. Mostly, I don’t care how she is living her life these days as long as she treats others well. Isn’t that all anyone should ask of others, no matter how they happen to pee?
2. The Lion, The Tourist and the Rolled Down Window
Beast mode
As an unabashed fan of natural selection, and nature, I’m not happy that this female American tourist lost her life at a lion park in Johannesburg, South Africa. But I’m not at all blaming the lion, either.
I keep finding myself writing stories about, or being in awe of, people who in my opinion understand the danger that we as a species are placing ourselves in. That is, living lives that are outside nature. Bud Grant. Zita Cobb. And most recently, Dean Potter, who had this to say in 2006 after people were pissed that he’d climbed Delicate Arch in Utah.
“Mankind is totally separating himself from nature — drilling for oil in the wildest places, jack-hammering footsteps that lead to (Delicate) Arch, paving roads and parking lots so that people can just sit in their cars and view nature….The wilderness is infinite in what it offers.”
These people are my heroes. You may think I sound like a whack job, but these people get it: The Matrix is real. How ironic is it that if you look around you see an array of life and landscapes beyond anything that mankind could ever comprehend or build, and yet people wait overnight on lines for the newest iPhone upgrade or the latest X-Box game?
Reality is so far superior to virtual reality.
On Sunday I visited the Bronx Zoo. I went into the Congo exhibit, where apes are on display (it’s awesome, by the way). I wasn’t in there more than a minute when I heard a lady ask her friend, “Are you saying these monkeys are related to us?”
A few minutes later I came upon the mountain gorilla exhibit. I was happy to see how many people were enthralled by it. At one point a baby gorilla attempted to climb up on her mother’s back. Moments later — and I’m not making this up — a young father, Homo sapiens, squatted down so that his son could climb up on his back to better see the momma gorilla and her baby.
I just smiled.
As soon as we lose our love and appreciation for the natural world, we are doomed. Many of us have already lost it. Which is sad. Heaven is all around you. Just open your eyes.
3. Well, That Was Heavy, JW. Why Don’t We Just Use This Number To Cleanse Our Palates and Move On To No. 4? Okay.
Hey, who invited an Eighties song to the party?
4. Auto-Erotic Correct
If you take out the “B” it’s “Garage Time” and that would be a solid high-concept show
Comedy is not easy. I fail at it here every day.
Last Sunday on Garbage Time host Katie Nolan attempted a Schumer-ian skit on the National Spelling Bee done as a “30 For 30.” Good idea, uneven execution. The only part that actually made me laugh was the closing tag: “What if I told you some bees sting more than others?” Now that’s good.
5. WTF?
In rural Oklahoma, an assistant pastor, Nehemiah Fischer, and his brother, Brandon Fischer, go fishing on their father’s property (yes, they were Fischers who fished; I couldn’t help but point that out; it’s an affliction). Their truck is trapped by flood waters. When state troopers arrive at the scene –not sure if they were called or not — an argument ensues and Nehemiah Fischer is fatally shot.
Thus far, the story does not add up. It’s like a 21st century version of A River Runs Through It. Brandon Fischer has been charged with assaulting an officer and public intoxication.
Music 101
The Impression That I Get
Two things on Boston ska punk The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. First, lead singer Dicky Barrett wins the award for rocker who most resembles a Wall Street banker. Second, dancer Ben Carr has the best job in the world. This ’97 tune hit No. 23 on the Billboard charts and No. 1 on the Modern Rock charts. Turn it up!
Remote Patrol
Extreme Weight Loss
ABC 9 p.m.
I’m not going to watch this (I don’t presently have a TV; I’m not watching anything). I just wanted to point out the irony of a 2-hour program airing on a lovely late spring evening about weight loss. You could waste two hours of your life watching this or…you could exercise.
But I want extreme weight loss so I’m going to run on the treadmill and elliptical while watching this show.
You ever read John Eldredge before? Your bit about nature and that we’re in the Matrix reminds me of something he wrote in his book Waking the Dead.
2. If I had to produce evidence of heaven existing on earth, it would surely be the Maroon Bells outside Aspen. Ethereal, unspoiled and otherworldly.
4. I thought Katie’s Spellchick skit was very clever and creative, if not LOL funny. So I did a little research online, and learned that ‘Garbage Time’ has 14 writers on staff, and three editors behind the scenes.
I recently caught Charlie Rose’s interview with Conan O’Brien. Conan also admitted that he employs 12-14 writers (his sweet spot) because “A great hitter is a .300 hitter.”
That was the first time I ever considered that there’s an algorithm behind good-to-great comedy. When you have time, here are Conan’s sage thoughts on comedy and the current state of late night talk shows: http://www.charlierose.com/watch/60561765.
So, the “President of Everybody” on Friday is now the president of NObody? Man, THAT was fast! Did Sepp fly away on a helicopter or will that be saved for after the “special election”?
And all the women World Cuppers snort in unison – “Artificial turf for us but HIS ASS IS GRASS!” Bwahahahaha”.
As for ‘Extreme Weight Loss’ – I’ve only seen a few times, about the same as ‘Biggest Loser’ but IRONY has NOTHING to do with whether you watch this type of show. Why do people watch GAME SHOWS? Do they think THEY will win while sitting on their sofa? At least with the weight loss shows, people are changing & possibly SAVING their lives by their own efforts (with some assistance). Hmmm, lemme see – brutal rapes & killings every other episode (Game of Thrones) or SAVING a real life? Your right jdubs, the latter is such a “WASTE”.
Susie,
We could have a long discussion if that show is truly saving lives. Several studies have shown that what the Biggest Loser is doing isn’t healthy and many of the participants gain back the weight or suffer physically after the show.
Encouraged by the variety of commenters. Thanks. Now, Susie B., no one watches GoT as a self-help practice. It’s entertainment. It’s fiction. And if you don’t like it, there’s other options. Whereas putting on a show about Weight Loss well, I’m sorry, I can’t imagine why it would ever be entertaining. Unless….unless… you were watching either because 1) you’ll feel better about yourself because you’re not these people, which is a poor reason to watch or 2) you want to lose weight, in which case we return to my point about irony.
I’m sure someone will find a way to tell me these stories are inspiring. Kind of like when someone gets lost and drives 120 miles out of the way and then eventually finds their way back onto the road they were supposed to be on? Inspiring like that? Because I don’t find that inspiring.
Warriors in 4!
Have you ever watched ANY show about a person desperately trying to change their life? If you don’t find inspiration in watching HUMAN TRANSFORMATION, then I don’t know what to tell you. I suppose you believe that the morbidly obese reached that condition because they all just “stuffed their faces & sat on their asses all day, every day”? I don’t know the most recent medical & scientific info but have believed for a very long time that a certain % of the population do not have the same “satiation” feelings as the rest; i.e. they never feel full, the desire to eat is overwhelming, like a drug to an addict. Whether this is genetic or environmentally induced (possibly from food additives), I don’t know. To see these people trying to break out of their body, their lifestyle, their PRISON is inspiring. AND it is motivating! Someone could watch those shows & see people even heavier than themselves & maybe for the 1st time in their own life think if THAT person can do then so can I! And start on their own transformation journey.
As for GoT, never seen it as I don’t have HBO, but it does NOT MATTER if it is “fiction”. You wrote of TIME watching a show, so whether a show is fiction or “reality” does not matter to your ACTION (i.e. taking the time to watch). But since you mention how GoT is “entertainment”, is it really a GOOD thing to watch brutal rapes & killings week after week? For the past few years I was very grumpy that I couldn’t watch GoT because YOUR write-ups always made it sound so exciting. But after reading a few other critiques that discuss the brutality in more detail, I’m actually glad I didn’t, ahem, “waste my time”.
Two more things – on my previous comment – argh, it is spelled “you’re”. Good gawd, when I saw what I had typed, I wanted to hide under my desk. You see, one of absolute fave things is when some, ahem, idiotic tweeter or commenter snarks back “your a moron”. I laugh for hours. Well, Ms Smartypants here just got a comeuppance. (I’m blaming my shock & giddiness over the Sepp-aration from FIFA for my brain fart/typo). Won’t stop me from laughing at other “morons” though.
2nd – “Warriors in 4”? Now, that’s just mean! 🙂 Besides, how will you watch without a TV? If you’ve been going to a bar to watch or have squinted at your computer/ipad/iphone the past several weeks of the playoffs, it’s now clear why you still haven’t truly appreciated LeBron’s magnificence – too distracted &/or the “screen” is too tiny & non-HD.
Anyhoo, yes, I very much want Sweet Pea & the Cavs to win the championship. But honestly, when Love went out & then Kyrie went lame, well, they’ve already surpassed MY expectations. And 5 STRAIGHT FINALS for LeBron! Sure, I’d love if he ends up 3-3 by the end of June, but the fact that he is there AGAIN, well, that’s MAGNIFICENT!