by John Walters

Starting Five

1. The Brady Bunch: Tom, John and Jim

Here’s the story

Of a man named Brady

Who was “generally aware” that two Patriots flunkies,

One of whom referred to himself as “the deflator” in a text message last May,

Were deflating footballs on his behalf…

If you read the Wells Report, which is actually quite captivating, it’s difficult to come away with any thoughts other than that these three had a classic criminal relationship: Brady was the buffer, John Jastremski was the go-between, and Jim McNally was the dirty work guy.

Will this “stain” Brady’s legacy? Well, it just shows that he’s a liar. Given the press conference he was made to undergo back in January, he had little choice. If he cops to it then, what does Roger Goodell do 9 or 10 days prior to the Super Bowl? Is it possible that Goodell suspends him for XLIX? If so, if the possibility even exists, then if you’re Brady you lie and you let due process give you time to win a Super Bowl and then you’ll pay the piper later. Which is what he did and is what he will be doing.

Ethical? No. Shrewd? Yes. Move over, Whitey Bulger, there’s a new boss in town.

One interesting aside: If you read the report, it sounds as if Brady lied to Belichick to his face. In retrospect, he probably did BB a favor: this way BB did not need to lie for him publicly. Still, I wonder how BB takes that.

A second interesting aside: There’s an entire section in the Wells Report under the headline, “Vigorous Rubbing.” So read at your own risk…

A third interesting aside: A 30-minute presser four days after the AFC Championship Game. You have to wait until the 6-minute mark until a female reporter asks the Columbo question.

2. Tornighto

A tornado touches down in Oklahoma after sundown, and in a fitting promo for the new Jurassic Park film, hits a tiger sanctuary. The wondrous beasts are then released into the night. Alas, all were captured without any bizarre “humans being devoured by rogue big cats in the Dust Bowl” stories. Listen, people in Oklahoma are going to die of oxycontin and meth overdoses, not to mention due to severe weather, anyway. Why not change it up a little?

3. Five Amigos

The Top Five Letterman guests, ranked:

1. Bill Murray

2. Tom Hanks

3. Martin Short

4. Jim Carrey

5. Steve Martin*

Last night Martin Short bid his final adieu, as we are now exactly one fortnight away from Dave’s retirement (writing this through tears). Of course, a song was involved.

*Billy Crystal just missed the top five.

4. Joc Of One Trade

His name is Joc Pederson, he’s a rookie centerfielder for the Los Angeles Dodgers, and his last seven hits have all left the ballpark. Peterson, whose dad Stu Pederson played for the Dodgers in 1985, grew up in Palo Alto. He’s about as California as it gets, and he may become the most popular Jewish Dodger –are Dodger Dogs kosher? — since Sandy Koufax.

Pederson, 23, is hitting in the leadoff but already has 9 home runs.

5. Messi, Messier, Messiest

Barcelona defeats Bayern 3-0 as Lionel Messi scores two goals, one of them a filthy break-your-ankles move on Jerome Boateng. Barca wins first leg of Champions League semifinal. If Bayern wants to play in the final, which will be played in Berlin, they’ll have to win by at least three goals next week and hold Barca to zero, or win by more than 3 goals no matter what Barca scores.

Tall order, considering Barca has outscored last six opponents 23-0.

Music 101

Turn! Turn! Turn!

And a time/For every purpose/Under Heaven

The quintessential Sixties song, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve posted The Seekers’ version, but as you know this song is from (but not for) The Byrds. The song was actually written by Pete Seeger in the late 1950s, although he basically plagiarized the Book of Ecclesiastes. I keep waiting for God to take Seeger to court.

p.s. The Seekers were the first Australian pop act to hit big on our shores. They’re from Melbourne.

 

Remote Patrol

NHL Sweeps Week

NBC Sports  7 p.m.

The Lightning, who host the Canadiens, are up 3-0. The Black Hawks, who are also up 3-0, visit Minnesota. One Original Six member down, one Original Six member up.