Starting Five

1. As William Wallace Once Cried, “Religious Freedom!”

“Is pizza at gay weddings a thing in Indiana?”

That was my favorite quip related to the Hoosier state Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) that was passed last week. It was tweeted in response to Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Ind., which courageously declared that it would refuse to serve pizza at a gay wedding if asked to do so.

If, like me, you are heterosexual, you probably recall that day in junior high when you came home from school and wrote down a list of pros and cons for both homosexuality and heterosexuality (Pro: “Kim Auer is HOT!”) before prudently and painstakingly choosing to become a heterosexual. Unless, of course, you don’t remember that. Which I don’t remember.

Sexual orientation is not a choice. Any more than skin color is. You may find homosexuality foul or whatever, but if using personal experience, I were forced to choose between knowing gays versus straights on an asshole-per-capita scale (I know: poor visual), I would much rather know gay people. I’ll take Neil Patrick Harris; you can have Justin Bieber.

Anyway, before this kerfuffle gets any more….um….kerfufflier, read this piece in The Atlantic, which provides the pertinent facts and implications of Indiana’s RFRA act. One point I will piggyback on: some of the most heinous crimes known to man through history, from the stoning of adulterers in the time of Jesus to…the stoning of adulterers in present-day Middle Eastern nations, are a product of religious values.

If your God loathes people based on attributes that do not involve free will, your God is kind of an ass. Or your interpretation of what He wants may need some education. I’ve never for one moment thought it was a coincidence that not only did Jesus never marry, but that he hung out with 12 men all the time. Jesus’ primary message was acceptance of all. Your church’s mileage may vary.

Finally, here’s Hoosier native David Letterman’s thoughts on Late Show about it all…

2. Wisdom from Down Under

This isn’t exactly new (it’s from September, 2013), but I had not come across it before. It’s a commencement speech given at the University of Western Australia by UWA alum Tim Minchin, who is sort of the Australian Russell Brand. Anyway, that’s how I perceive him. There’s more wisdom in these 12 or so minutes than most undergrads will encounter in four years. It starts slowly, but then it really heats up once Minchin begins to enumerate his nine life lessons. Phenomenal stuff.

3. Pilot Error

–Lock the cabin at all times, even when one pilot excuses himself to use the men’s room (if you hadn’t read, this particular Germanwings disaster that claimed 150 lives might have been averted if the pilot had used the men’s room before takeoff. He told the co-pilot that he hadn’t time to do so before excusing himself, which set the disaster in motion). And you get Germanwings.

–Lock the cabin at all times, but make sure that another person is in the cockpit when the pilot or co-pilot leaves. All this does is create one more person who may have motive or opportunity to create mayhem.

–Never lock the cabin and give every passenger a chance to bring down a plane.

–Fly the plane solely like a drone…and when the inevitable mishap occurs, where is your Sully Sullenberger to save the day?

There’s no such thing as a fool-proof system, as long as human beings are involved.

Have a nice flight.

4. Phil or Kill*

Yes, every observant sports columnist should’ve pounced on Phil Jackson’s letter to Knicks’ season-ticket holders and churned it into satire. I’m not sure who else besides Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal did, though. Well executed.

*That’s a stock trader’s term turned into a pun. I’m sorry…

5. A Proper Bloke

I’ve watched a few episodes of James Corden’s The Late, Late Show, and here are a few observations:

–He’s innately likable, because the Brit has such a happy and winning spirit. He’s all positive. Not fake or phony, just positive. He’s not a comic per se, but he is funny. Kind of like Jimmy Kimmel in that way, but with more of a smiley face.

–Somewhere under all that black mane there is a band leader. He seems happy. Or high. Or both.

–I applaud the experiment of putting all the guests on the couch simultaneously and initiating a group conversation, but when it falls flat, it really falls flat. Let’s give it time. It helps to always have at least one comic in the group.

–The very best thing about the show, and something that is entirely new as a nightly routine (Letterman occasionally did this back in his NBC days, his best days), is the visits to each guest’s green room during the monologue. It provides each guest a 15- to 30-second opportunity to be playful or original.

Last night, for example, Aubrey Plaza was in a lotus position, meditating. As the show evolves, you can expect guests to come prepared with schtick for these moments. They may even have their agents or managers work on routines for this look-in. This is what Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Steve Martin and Martin Short were made for.

Music 101

Stone Cold Yesterday

In my first couple of years at Sports Illustrated, my two closest friends were a pair of Tar Heel alums, Jeff Bradley and Tim Crothers. And we were all in our early or mid-twenties, when it’s very important to find a band that you love that the whole world does not already know about. And that band for this pair was The Connells, who featured a few UNC alums (they were the North Carolina’s pre-emptive response to South Carolina’s Hootie…). Anyway, I’m not sure if this, from 1990, is their best song, but it’s their most earnest and energetic.

p.s. These are also two of the most talented writers I met at Sports Illustrated.

Remote Patrol

Cancer: The Emperor of all Maladies

9 p.m. PBS

I haven’t watched this all week long, but I’ve seen the listings for it each night. Tonight’s two-hour episode is the conclusion of the series. Not to make light of cancer, because it has also caused so much pain in so many lives. But, the more you understand cancer, the more you realize –or at least this is how I feel –that cancer is a by-product of life. It is no more a disease than death itself.

I know I’m going off-reservation here, but cancer is caused by a mutation of cells during cellular reproduction, which is taking place constantly in your life. That mutation sends those cells down an errant path which inevitably corrupts the functional part of your organism. It’s terrible. As is death.

We could all lead longer lives if they “found a cure for cancer.” Which on some levels, is great, especially for cancers that strike anyone under the age of 40. We could lead longer lives. Would we lead better lives? I just wish there were a cure for all the ways people waste their valuable time on earth. That, to me, is more of a malady.