Starting Five

1. Urban Renewal

“He was born in the summer of his 47th year/Coming home to a place he’d never been before”.…Ohio native Urban Meyer completes his magical quest, leading Ohio State to a national championship behind a freight train –quarterback Cardale Jones--disguised as a third-string quarterback.

Sophomore running back Ezekiel Elliott rushes for a championship game-record 246 yards. Meyer has now, like Nick Saban, won a trio of national championships in the past 10 years and has won championships at two different schools. Cue the Urban > St. Nick columns.

The game’s signature play, right chee-ah.

Also, Mean Tweets, a segment that never fails to deliver, gives us its College Football Edition (not appearing: Tom Rinaldi).

p.s. The photo editing staff of MH happened to pick the above shot only to see later that SI is using the same pic for its cover. Great mimes…

2. Boyyyyyyeee-hood

I didn’t dislike Boyhood. I just don’t think it was close to being the most compelling film of the year.

What’s amusing to me is that it’s almost like that science fair project that no one quite understands but that all the parents agree probably required the most effort. Last year, 12 Years a Slave won the Oscar for Best Picture. This year it might be “12 Years a Slave to Richard Linklater’s Process.”

But now it’s the favorite heading into the Oscars because the Hollywood Foreign Press (a bunch of dudes and dudettes named Kirpi, Yoko and Paz) named it Best Motion Picture, Drama. Kudos to them for having far more pull as a brand than their individual members could ever hope to have.

Oh, and I also thought that if you were going to give a Best Actor statuette to anyone in that film, Ethan Hawke deserved it. Ethan, you’re going to need to get uglier before you get the great bauble (ask Tom Cruise).

3. An Alcoholic Beverage Worse than Bud Light? Yes!

In Mozambique 71 people die after drinking a home brew known as Phombe. Everyone who died was involved in a funeral (hello, Irony) or involved in making the brew. Originally, “crocodile bile” was blamed as being the toxic ingredient but some experts are labeling that claim –do forgive me–a croc of shit.

Anyway, you have to hand it to Africa: no continent has uncovered as many creative ways for scores of people to perish on a weekly basis (Boko Haram, Ebola and now Craft Beer).

4. Charlie’s Angels

Because I was curious, and because I haven’t seen anyone in the media explain the etymology of the name (maybe you should stop watching Gilmore Girls reruns all day, JW) (Hey, don’t judge), here it is: “Charlie” is both after a monthly of the same title, which itself was inspired by Charlie Brown, as well as an inside joke related to former French president Charles de Gaulle. “Hebdo” is short for “Hebdomadaire,” which means “weekly.”

Anyway…the murders of 10 staffers did not prevent the remaining members of CH from not only printing this week’s issue but upping the run from its ordinary total of 60,000 to about 3 million (a true cynic would find a way to note that this is one way for print to save itself).

Meanwhile, reports that some Parisian Muslims are blaming Jews for orchestrating the attacks in order to make Muslims look bad and a religion in denial says what?

5. Kevin Hate

Yes, Kevin Garnett appears to call Dwight Howard a “bitch ass nigga” last night at the Barclay’s Center as the Rockets rolled over the Nets (nice work here, Jason McIntyre). Garnett is the NBA’s leader (all-time leader?) in “It’s business, it’s not personal” boorish behavior. You’re up, Adam Silver.

Remote Patrol

It may be time to sit down and read a book. Or exercise. Or go on a date. Or better yet, sleep. Really, you still want to watch television? Well, I will not endorse such an activity tonight.