STARTING FIVE

1. From ‘The U’ to the ‘IOU’

I’ve been to a strip club in Manhattan once. Once. In 25 years.

Buuut, I made the mistake of giving someone my credit card as my friend, Scott (that’s not his fake name), availed himself of all the wonders to be had. And that was quite an expensive night. Like, $375.

So I have some empathy for Bryant McKinnie, who did the same thing, times like a thousand. The former University of Miami and recently cut NFL offensive lineman was being sued for $375,000 in unpaid lap dances, which works out to…a lot of pent-up excitement. Anyway, McKinnie settled for $150,000…which as frequent MH reader/collaborator Greg Auman suggested, should be paid in dolla bills.

If I were McKinnie, I’d use the “How did you expect me to pay you when you ordered me to keep my hands at my sides at all times?” defense.

2. Hey, Barney: Suit up!

Just two issues since putting a fifty-something former CBS sitcom star on its cover (Julia Louis Dreyfus), Rolling Stone puts a forty year-old former CBS sitcom star on its cover (@ActuallyNPH). I’m hoping that the stars of Mike & Molly are not contacted any time soon by Jann Wenner’s people.

3. A Colt Who’s a Packer

Colt Lyerla has the size, speed and power to be an All-Pro tight end. He was a rock stud in the limited time that he played at Oregon. Alas, Colt also has had a cocaine problem in the past and he’s not so sure that the Sandy Hook shootings weren’t a conspiracy. The Green Bay Packers signed him yesterday as an undrafted free agent. So while he’s not quite Aaron Hernandez, you have to hope that Green Bay did more than discount double-check his background.

4. Pits-burg

This is the football stadium at Austin Peay State University, which should be deemed “unplayable” after a 40-foot sinkhole materialized and gave new meaning to the term “coffin corner.”

And this is Allen High School’s $60 million, 18,000-seat football stadium, where cracks were discovered in the cement. The stadium will be closed for the coming season. That’s so Texas: We see your 40-foot college football sinkhole and raise you a $60 million high school football money pit.

5. Shaka Con-vict?

I don’t know how an attractive surfer who lives in Hawaii can be susceptible to road rage, but if she can be, who among us is immune?

The other day Jill Hansen, above, ran down a 73 year-old woman in what was initially thought to be road rage but is now believed to be an attempt to steal victim Elizabeth Conklin’s BMW. A Hawaiian septuagenarian with a B’mer? Tell me more…

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 

1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B 2006: Hughie Jennings, SS, Herman Long, SS 2007: Cal Ripken, Jr, SS, Tony Gwynn, RF 2008: Tanner Boyle, SS, Crash Davis, C 2009: Rickey Henderson, LF, Duke Snider, CF 2010: Lee Smith, P, Garry Maddox, CF 2011: Roberto Alomar, 2B, Dave Winfield, LF 2012: Barry Larkin, SS, Johnny Vander Meer, P 2013: Phil Rizzuto, SS, Ferguson Jenkins, P 2014: Greg Maddux, P, Craig Biggio  2B/C 2015: Mike Piazza, C, Randy Johnson, P 2016: Ken Griffey, Jr., CF, Pedro Martinez, P 2017: Frank Thomas, 1B/DH, Tom Glavine, P 2018: Manny Ramirez, LF; Ivan Rodriguez, C

2019

Mariano Rivera, P; 1995-2013, Yankees

Everyone knows Mo was outstanding; do they know just how outstanding he was? Besides being baseball’s all-times Saves leader (652) an Games Finished leader (952), Mo retired with a 2.21 ERA. That’s 13th-best of all-time, and Hoyt Wilhelm (47th on list) is the only other pitcher in the Top 50 who played after 1960. Cooperstown has never inducted anyone on a 100% ballot but if they don’t this time, that’s just a nod to obstreperousness.

John Smoltz, P; 1988-2009, Braves

Like Dennis Eckersley, Smoltz excelled in both roles as a pitcher. As a starter, the eight-time All-Star was 213-155 and in 1996 went 24-8. As a reliever he saved 154 games including 55 in 2002. That mid-Nineties Braves staff had a trio of Hall of Fame starters, and yet won only one World Series.

Remote Patrol

My Favorite Year

TCM 10:15 p.m.

A breezy, hilarious and well-penned film about a soused former matinee idol (the delightful Peter O’Toole, basically playing himself) and a young writer (the other guy from “Perfect Strangers”) who is charged with keeping him sober before he appears on a live variety show. It’s “Get Him To the Greek” without all the jet lag.