STARTING FIVE

1. We Could Be Heroes

If you think Goodluck Jonathon is a sitcom on the Disney Channel…if you think Boko Haram is the group that performed “Whiter Shade of Pale”…. Well, no.

It took an extra week or so, but American TV news organizations –and the White House —have finally confronted the atrocity taking place in northern Nigeria. Sure, a plane going down somewhere with 240 passengers is a tragedy, but no one knows exactly how or why it happened, or where MH 370 is, and none of those questions may ever be answered.

Ukraine? Potentially far more casualties, but that is geopolitics (funny how tens of millions of victims of human rights violations reside in Russia and its satellite countries and most all of us have distilled the crisis to two words: “Pussy Riot.”)

What is taking place in Nigeria, however, is the Holocaust on training wheels. A group that is anti-women, anti-education is trafficking in human slavery with impunity. So here we are, the greatest civilization ever created, with the two notable exceptions being that whole slavery thing and The Magic Hour (which may or may not be related), with an opportunity to do these 276 Nigerian teen women a solid.

In the USA we go apeshit –understandably–when one little girl goes missing (especially when she’s white) and send out Amber Alerts. In California the freeways have signs posted so that when a girl is abducted they can instantly post that message to all commuters. So imagine what needs to be done in Nigeria, where nearly 300 Amber Alerts need to be sent out.

The U.S. military already has a major –albeit little-publicized– presence in Africa because it has gold and oil and Muslim fanatics. So it was good to hear Secretary of State John Kerry officially announce that the U.S. is sending intelligence officials to help the Nigerian government track down these girls. And I know just whom we should send…

2. Beadle Juice

The viewers weren’t the only ones channel-surfing last weekend. There was Josh Elliott, recently divorced from Mickey Mouse and the Magic Kingdom, doing features for NBC in its Kentucky Derby pre-race coverage. Over on ESPN and ABC, there was former Peacock-proud Michelle Beadle, returned to the fold in Bristol West, anchoring the network’s “NBA Countdown” show with Rolling Stone profile subject Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose and the Coach, Doug Collins (also, the Olympian and the All-Star).

By the way, ESPN’s diabolical plan to gentrify the “NBA Countdown” set is way ahead of schedule. Last year it was three African-Americans and one white dude, while last weekend it was three white folks and Jalen.

I’ll be curious to see how Josh and Bob Costas’ relationship develops.

As for Beadle, she hadn’t looked that comfortable and happy on-air since she was working with Colin Cowherd. Sage Steele (who apparently had a prior commitment) is professional but it’s a little stiff in class when she’s on the set. The boys appeared more relaxed around Beadle. Keep an eye on this.

3. The Maester

Allow me to go Stefon on the latest issue of Rolling Stone. It has everything: the profile on Simmons, interviews with John Slattery (Roger Sterling) and Kit Harington (Jon Snow). A piece on the Ukraine. And a fantastic, extended interview with George R.R. Martin, the creator of “A Song of Ice and Fire”, which those of us philistines who have not read the books refer to as “Game of Thrones.”

One of the more interesting things I learned: Martin applied for and received conscientious objector status from the Vietnam War. He prefers wars before guns –and napalm–were invented.

4. And What of the 40 Thieves?

Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba, in a move that finance people have been anticipating for the last couple of years, finally applied for an initial public offering (IPO) yesterday. Alibaba, founded by Jack Ma, a former English teacher (hooray!), is kind of like a mix of Amazon.com, eBay and Paypal (or, David Eggers’ “The Circle” writ large).

China has twice as many internet users as the U.S., and Alibaba has 24,000 employees, or more than Facebook and Yahoo combined. It earned $3.06 billion in just the final quarter of 2013, AAAAAAND Yahoo! owns 24% of the company.

So watch as Yahoo! stock (YHOO) surges today.

Twitter –down nearly 20% this week once shares were unlocked–is so yesterday…at least as a stock.

5. Nontroversy at SNL

It’s not so much the cast additions that are hurting SNL, it’s the departure of some massive writing talent over the years: Tina Fey left, followed by Seth Meyers and John Mulaney within the last year or so.

It’s not so much that the skits and “Weekend Update” aren’t funny –this is not intended as the 1,000th “SNL Sucks Now!” piece–it’s just that the humor has become so sanitized for our protection.

So it was refreshing late last Saturday night –when Barack Obama was the funniest person on television, on C-SPAN — when an unknown, a large African-American woman, was allowed a cameo on “Weekend Update.” Her name is Leslie Jones. She’s a new writer and, wow, did she make an unforgettable debut.

Jones basically congratulated Lupita N’yongo for being named People’s Most Beautiful people of 2014. Then she veered sharply, noting that if the two of them were still slaves, she’d be getting more action because, as a large-boned, tall African woman, the slave master would be breeding her with the largest bucks.

“Can a bitch get a beef bowl!?!”

And Jebediah Atkinson had to follow that.

Kinda funny that people were upset about the monologue as it related to N’yongo, as opposed to being upset about as it related to No. 1 on our story list today.

 Reserves

Kevin: Love

I haven’t watched all of Kevin Durant’s MVP acceptance speech, but here it is. As Rece Davis tweeted, “What superstar comes across as a better person than (Kevin Durant)? Nobody.”

True.

Not only because he calls his mom “the true MVP” but because he singled out every single teammate, finds something special about them. That’s a cool guy.

But let me be the troll who adds one disturbing note: KD is wonderful. His motives in life are wonderful. His desire to be a “rec league coach” as his highest aspiration “to help kids” is obviously admirable.

And it’s obviously okay to love basketball. But the chances of most little boys and girls who hear this speech ever growing to be 6-5, much less earning a living by playing sports, are miniscule. Miniscule. Hold on to your dreams? Sure. But there’s nothing more attainable and invaluable for kids than an education (even if Ivy League alums aren’t necessarily happier in life).

Kevin Durant is an outstanding person. An inspiring person. But he’s not a true underdog story. He’s a 6-11 freak of nature with silly athletic gifts. Play basketball. Imitate your heroes. Aspire to greatness. And…Do your homework.

 

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner 1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B 1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS 1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B 1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P 1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P 1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B; Lefty Grove, P

1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS 1969: Stan Musial, 1B/OF 1970: Ferris Fain, 1B; Earle Combs, CF 1971: Warren Spahn, P; Yogi Berra, C 1972 Satchel Paige, P; Sandy Koufax, P 1973: Robin Roberts, P; Whitey Ford, P 1974: Mickey Mantle, CF; Eddie Mathews, 3B 1975: Lefty Gomez, P; Hack Wilson, CF 1976: Jack Pfiester, P; Johnny Mize, 1B 1977: Ernie Banks, SS; Mickey Welch, P 1978: Roberto Clemente, RF; Chuck Klein, RF 1979: Willie Mays, CF; Luis Aparicio,  SS 1980: Al Kaline, RF; Enos Slaughter, RF 1981: Bob Gibson, P; Harmon Killebrew, 1B 1982: Hank Aaron, RF; Frank Robinson, OF 1983: Brooks Robinson, 3B, Juan Marichal, P 1984: Hoyt Wilhelm, P; Arky Vaughan, SS 1985: Lou Brock, LF; Pete Browning, OF 1986: Sidd Finch, P 1987: Willie McCovey, 1B, Roger Maris, RF 1988: Willie Stargell, 1B, Catfish Hunter, P 1989: Earl Averill, CF, Billy Williams, LF 1990: Johnny Bench, C, Carl Yastrzemski, LF 1991: Jim Palmer, P, Joe Morgan, 2B 1992: Rod Carew, 2B; Gaylord Perry, P 1993: Reggie Jackson, RF, Tom Seaver, P 1994: Phil Niekro, P, Rollie Fingers, P 1995: Pete Rose, INF, Mike Schmidt, 3B 1996: Steve Carlton, P, Denny McLain, P 1997: Jim Rice, LF, Don Sutton, P 1998: Dick Allen, 1B, Dave Parker, RF 1999: Nolan Ryan, P, George Brett, 3B 2000: Robin Yount, SS, Carlton Fisk, C 2001: Kirby Puckett, CF, Mark Fidrych, P 2002: Ozzie Smith, SS, Gary Carter, C 2003: Eddie Murray, 1B, Tommy John (Surgery) 2004: Paul Molitor, INF, Dennis Eckersley, P 2005: Wade Boggs, 3B, Ryne Sandberg, 2B 2006: Hughie Jennings, SS, Herman Long, SS 2007: Cal Ripken, Jr, SS, Tony Gwynn, RF 2008: Tanner Boyle, SS, Crash Davis, C 2009: Rickey Henderson, LF, Duke Snider, CF 2010: Lee Smith, P, Garry Maddox, CF

2011

Roberto Alomar, 2B; 1988-2004, Blue Jays, 7 others

Remember the Alomar! A 12-time All-Star (in 12 straight seasons) who also won 10 Gold Gloves, the most of anyone at that position, Alomar retired with a .300 batting average on the nose. Also stole 474 career bases and helped lead Toronto to a world championship in 1993.

Dave Winfield, LF; 1973-199, Padres, Yankees

Perhaps I’ve been too harsh to Mr. May. Winfield is one of the purest natural athletes to ever step to the plate –he could’ve played in the NBA and probably the NFL –but he only ever led the league once in any major offensive category (RBI, in 1979, with 118). Still, he collected 3,110 career hits (20th)while, like Alomar, being voted to 12 consecutive All-Star Games. Also in the top 30 in extra-base hits, intentional walks, runs, RBI and total bases. Alas, he did bat .136 in two World Series appearances, hence George Steinbrenner’s derogatory nickname for him.

Remote Patrol

Clippers at Thunder, Game 2

TNT 9:30 p.m.

After that speech from Kevin Durant, how fired up will the Thunder, down 1-0, be for Game 2? Oh, Thunder Road, oh, Thunder Road, lying out there like a killer in the sun….