STARTING FIVE

Thank you, thank you, and thank you to @Okerland and @J_Anstey for the fabulous job they did last Thursday and Friday. They are definitely not the Colin Jost to my Seth Meyers. Rather, they are the Tina Feys to my Amy Poehler. Thanks, kids, and be careful, you may have induced me to take leave (of my senses?) more often.

 1. Oscar…

Quick Riffs:

Mr. Kotter: “Hey, Barbarino!”

Vinny (flips hair): “Heh, heh…what?”

Kotter: “Idina Menzel.”

Vinny: “Who?”

Kotter: “The Broadway starlet. It’s Idina Menzel, not Adele Dazim.”

Vinny: “When?”

Kotter: “Last night!”

Vinny: “Where?”

Kotter: “At the Oscars!”

Vinny: “Why?”

Kotter: “Cuz you mispronounced her name in front of a billion people, you idiot. She was about to sing the song from “Frozen” and next time she should dedicate it to your face.”

Freddy Washington: “Mr. Kah-TAIR, that was cold.”

******

Personally, I missed much of the telecast, but I do think that when Ellen DeGeneres shook down Brad Pitt for cash that he should’ve cast her a withering look and said, “Look at this face: Do I need to carry cash?” Of course, Kevin Spacey, being far brighter, simply handed Ellen another bill and said, “This is for you.” Why do I think he’d be better at improv than Brad?”

*****

I think if Oscar could’ve distinguished Leo DiCaprio in that role in which he played an obnoxious, misogynist and corrupt Wall Street bastard in 2014 from that role in which he played an obnoxious, misogynist and corrupt Wall Street bastard in 2014, that he might’ve won.

******

I love how they pair Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth, as if to say, let’s just put the gene pool on fast forward and skip 16 generations of evolution.

******

We all have a crush on Matthew McConaughey this morning, but I did wonder whether or not Rust Cohle might have found his “Who’s my hero?” bit a little “This is all for me….Me, me…I, I” By the way, did you notice that MM’s mom was the hottest sexagenarian in the room? And, yes, I just put the words “hottest” and “sexagenarian” in the same thought.

****

Bill Murray, ad-libbing, remembered his recently deceased pal and collaborator, Harold Ramis, because he is Bill Murray and no one is cooler.

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Don’t know if the director did this, but when they brought out Kim Novak I would have jump-cut between her and U2 (“Vertigo”).

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Did they bring out Will Smith to introduce Best Picture so that people would debate –prior to the announcement–that “12 Years a Slave” would win because he’s black or that “Gravity” would win because he played an astronaut or that “American Hustle” would win because he played a federal agent?

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They’re making a sequel to “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?” Did I hear that correctly? Dame Judi Dench is determined to win another Oscar if it kills her.

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“What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?” “I don’t know, what?” “A pilot, you racist bastard.” That joke, from “True Detective”, on this of all nights. Marty Hart, you rascal.

****

Can’t believe I saw like five movies all year and two of them were Oscar winners “Twenty Feet from Stardom” and “The Great Beauty.” Fifteen minutes into the latter film, I despised it; by the end I thought it was probably the best film I saw all year. Highly recommended.

 2. …Oscar…

Speaking of great performances and Oscar, a certain murder trial in South Africa commenced almost concurrently with last night’s Academy Awards telecast. The trial of Olympian double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius, who buried four bullets into a locked bathroom door because intruders prefer to hide in locked bathrooms and home-owners never ask people to identify themselves before blasting away, is now underway (solid aibi, but will it play in Pretoria?….Yes, yes, I know, the trail is in Jo-Burg).

Her name was Reeva Steenkamp, by the way, and she was Oscar’s girlfriend, and it was Valentine’s Day.

The trial is being televised in South Africa and cell phones are allowed in the court room. Apparently, it should take three weeks and there could be 107 witnesses called. The question is, Will he walk?

It seems to be going well for Oscar so far…

3. …Oscar (rearrange letters, add a “c” and an “a”)….Carcosa

If you have yet to watch last night’s penultimate episode of “True Detective”, I’ll give you the option of reading Alan Sepinwall’s typically insightful review or avoiding it. Here’s my one insight:

–We did not actually see what happened to Marie Fontenot, but we saw how her murder (?) or rape (?) or both was staged. Which looks an AWFUL LOT like that little staging that took place in Marty’s daughter’s room with the dolls 17 years earlier. And that on the night after the family had spent the day with Marty’s in-laws. That doesn’t just happen for no reason. Is Marty’s father-in-law also involved? Did the older daughter happen upon a photo or tape of the murder either at her granddad’s or via a friend? Is that why she is on medication as an adult?

Also, I hope Marty’s Match.com profile reads “religious but not spiritual.”

4. Colin Blow

 

Wow, was “Weekend Update” awful. Let’s get this out of the way:

— First of all, I haven’t really liked Cecily Strong in the role from the start. Like her in other stuff on SNL, but not here. Not yet.

–Lorne Michaels has a stable of first-year male cast members and he gives Jost the job vacated by Seth Meyers. Granted, Jost looks like a news anchor, but can you imagine Bill Murray or Norm MacDonald introducing himself to America by telling us it was his lifelong dream to be there? And, PLEASE, both you and Cecily, stop laughing off-camera at the guest’s jokes.

–Having taught at the neighboring high school, Loyola, myself, I’m very familiar with the Regis Prep/Harvard type. And, seriously, Jost, who is an alumnus of both schools, comes across more as a type than a fully-formed human being (he looks like every Goldman Sachs sales guy I’ve ever met). Maybe he will improve. I just don’t know why you don’t at least give Beck Bennett a shot at this gig.

–Jost, whose father is the Chief Medical Officer for the New York City Fire Dept. (now THAT is a cool job), has the Harvard Lampoon prez/co-head writer at SNL pedigree. Then again, I don’t think any previous WU anchor attended an Ivy League school so what does that have to do with anything? It’s early, and I’m probably being far too harsh, but here’s what I’d like to know: just a year (or two?) ago SNL had a writer named John Mulaney who has better stage presence than anyone in the current cast with the possible exception of Taran Killam. He would have been perfect for this gig. Wonder if it was ever offered to him.

5. Auto Pilot

Spent the weekend on the Baja peninsula in Mexico, watching and somewhat helping out at the San Felipe 250, an off-road race that requires stamina, courage and superior driving ability. I had the great good fortune of being part of the crew (easily the least important part, but still, a part) for Trevor Andersen’s team. Trevor’s dad, Mark, is a super guy who reminds you a little of Mike Holmgren and is a pilot for Federal Express (and he doesn’t even mind answering the obligatory “Castaway” questions).

That’s Trevor’s ride, the day after. Notice the hood.

Trevor is a precocious college senior at UCSD who drove the team’s (Gonzo Racing) 516 Series Baja bug all over the Baja Peninsula in inhospitable conditions. We had rain and what must have been 40 mph winds and at one point Trevor actually suffered a rollover, but Trevor is mature and composed beyond his years. He simply, with the help of a few locals, righted the bug and continued on with the race.

Thanks to my brother, Porge, for inviting me and to our other brother, Jones, for not murdering me for twice disregarding his border-crossing instructions (“Zip it”). Thanks to the Andersen family (Mark, Terrell and Trevor) for hosting us. If you ever have a chance to watch a race in the Mexican desert while purchasing 18 peso asada tacos from a roadside stand, by all means, do it.

 

 Reserves

I’m no fan of Jim Dolan. My piece in Newsweek.

The Hall

Charter Inductees: Ty Cobb, Walter Johnson, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner

1937:  Tris Speaker, CF; Cy Young, P ; 1938: Grover Cleveland Alexander, P; Eddie Collins, 2B;1939:Nap Lajoie, 2B; Joe Jackson, LF; 1940: Billy Hamilton, OF; Cap Anson, 1B; 1941: Wee Willie Keeler, RF; George Sisler, 1B; 1942: Rogers Hornsby, 2B; Pie Traynor, 3B; 1943: Mickey Cochrane, C; Frankie Frisch, 2B 1944: Ed Walsh, P; Old Hoss Radbourn, P 1945: Lou Gehrig, 1B; Kid Nichols, P 1946: Ed Delahanty, LF; Lefty O’Doul 1947: Pud Galvin, P; John McGraw, INF 1948: Carl Hubbell, P; Addie Joss, P 1949: Harry Heilman, OF/1B; Monte Ward, P/SS

1950: Cool Papa Bell, CF; Jimmie Foxx, 1B 1951: Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, P; Josh Gibson, C 1952: Paul Waner, RF; Charlie Gehringer, 2B 1953: Mel Ott, RF; Hank Greenberg, 1B1954: Eddie Plank, P; Dan Brouthers, 1B 1955: “Wahoo” Sam Crawford, OF; John Clarkson, P1956: Chief Bender, P; Bill Dickey, C 1957: Sam Rice, RF; Joe DiMaggio, CF 1958: Bill Terry, 1B; Heinie Manush, LF 1959: Dizzy Dean, P; Tim Keefe, P 1960: Gabby Hartnett, C; Mickey Welch, P1961: Bob Feller, P; Ducky Medwick, LF 1962: Luke Appling, SS; Jesse Burkett, LF 1963 Jackie Robinson, 2B; Zack Wheat, LF 1964: Jake Beckley, 1B; Rube Waddell, P 1965: Ralph Kiner, 1B, Lefty Grove, P 1966: Ted Williams, LF; Smoky Joe Wood, P/OF 1967: Roy Campanella, C; Max Carey, OF 1968: Goose Goslin, LF; Rabbit Maranville, SS

1969

Stan Musial, OF/1B; 1941-1963, St. Louis Cardinals

A true all-time great, Stan the Man collected 3,630 career hits (fourth, all-time) and retired with a .331 batting average and is as inextricably linked with the Cards as any player is with any franchise. Musial was a 24-time All-Star, a three-time National League MVP and a seven-time NL batting champion. He won three World Series and remarkably, had 1,815 career hits at home and 1,815 on the road.

In fact, we’re only doing one name today. No one else deserves to be on this page with Stan.

Remote Patrol

Sports Nation

ESPN2 3 p.m.

Cue The Spinners’ “Working My Way Back To You” as erstwhile ESPN personality and erstwhile NBC personality Michelle Beadle returns to the show that made her a basement-hold’s name. The shine is somewhat off this apple, and I’m sure Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley are just thrilled to be sharing the platform with her. Then again, she helped give birth to and nurtured this show, so they’ll just have to shut up and like it. Unless you’re stoned or skipping Philosophy 101, though, you really should have better things to be doing at this time of day, though.