STARTING FIVE

1. Bryce Petty Commits Metaphor of the Year

How does this happen? No. 4 Baylor quarterback Bryce Petty has an unimpeded path into the end zone and what would be a 6-0 first-quarter lead in Stillwater, a touchdown that will quell the frenzy. Instead, after a nifty 27-yard scamper he trips and falls just a foot shy of the goal. Two plays later Shock Linwood fumbles while trying to stretch out the football beyond the goal line.

The next thing you know No. 10 Oklahoma State is up 35-3 on the nation’s most prolific scoring offense en route to a 49-17 win. Undefeated teams, particularly outliers such as the Bears, stumble in November every season. It’s just odd when they paint the picture this clearly for you.

2. Stacy’s Meme Has Got It Going On

Cadillac has done more to promote Fountains of Wayne than FM radio ever did. The “beautifully practical, and practically beautiful” 2014 Cadillac SRX Crossover is the most ubiquitous ad on sports television, taking advantage of the 2003 pop hit by the New Jersey-bred rock foursome, all alums of prestigious Williams College (you’re welcome, Dick Quinn), and the magnificent mandible of French model Magali Amadei.

It should be noted that Amadei, who turns 39 later this week, is at least by her Wikipedia page’s information, not a mother. So maybe Stacy’s parents are divorced and she’s dating the dad and picking up Stacy from school? Also, this song has been used to move product before, so the dude at the ad agency who’s accepting all the praise for this concept is likely just a plagiarist.

And yes, the role of “Stacy’s Mom” in the original video was played by model Rachel Hunter, ex-wife of Rod Stewart.

3. Rose Woes

Is it too soon to declare the Curse of the Chicago Bulls point guards? Derrick Rose, the 2011 NBA MVP who missed all of last season while recovering from an ACL tear in his left knee, will now miss the remainder of this season after tearing the medial meniscus on his right knee. You’ll recall that a former high draft pick at point guard for the Bulls, Jason Williams, suffered a career-ending knee injury in a motorcycle accident after his rookie season.

Williams was the No. 2 overall pick in 2002. Rose was the No. 1 overall pick in 2008.

Rose, who played in 10 games this season before suffering the tear, is an incredibly easy dude to root for and you hope that he recovers fully. You also hope that Adidas stops running this ad. We’ll see.

In the meantime, the Bulls went out and lost by 39 yesterday in their first game without their leader yesterday versus the Clippers at the Staples Center. They draw the league’s worst team, Utah, in Salt Lake City tonight. Stay tuned.

4. The Will Muschamp Era in One Photo or Less

Mark Sanchez had the butt fumble (a year and a day earlier, in fact). Will Muschamp will have this play as all you need to describe his era in Gainesville. Two Gators block one another as a third runs around right end on a sweep. Hey, it worked: He picked up the first down.

Still, Florida lost to FCS Georgia Southern, the ebb for a program that earlier this millennium won two national championships.

And, yes, I don’t know who or what is happening at the 2 yard-line. One player down? Two? I cannot tell.

Finally, the University of Florida has produced no shortage of college football writers and sportswriters in general the past couple of decades: Andy Staples (who actually played on the 1997 national championship squad as a walk-on offensive lineman), Gregg Doyel, Greg Auman and Spencer Hall (Edsbs.com) to name just a few. I want to hear what they have to say about this.

The Gators are 22-15 in Muschamp’s three seasons. They’ve been rattled by injuries all season. Still, you don’t lose to an FCS school at home. One way to avoid that? Don’t schedule an FCS school.

5. It’s Justin Timberlake’s World. We Just Groove In It

Justin Timberlake. Ryan Gosling. You’ve gotta hand it to the talent scouts at the Mickey Mouse Club. They have a better track record than, say, the Portland Trail Blazers.

Timberlake won a slew of bling at the American Music Awards (and yes, this is a Miley Cyrus-free zone because we refuse to be manipulated). A highlight was comedian Sarah Silverman announcing that the award for Soul/R&B album and noting that it was between JT, “the son of the dad from ‘Growing Pains’, and Rihanna.”

After claiming the trophy, Timberlake noted that it was, as a son of Memphis, “the first time he’d ever been racially profiled by a white woman.”

Here he is performing “Drink You Away.” Lookee, a highly acclaimed musical performer who can play an instrument.

Also, I have nieces who occasionally read this blog, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t confess that I actually didn’t hate this performance by One Direction. Although, to be honest, it sounds as if they listened to Phillip Phillips’ “Home” once and then just retreated to their bedrooms and rewrote the lyrics.

Reserves

 

 

Kerfuffle Alert: The fearless Andy Staples does not rank 10-0 Fresno State in his latest AP ballot. You certainly can make the argument that 25 teams are better, sure, but could you also not make the argument that 8-3 Notre Dame (not on Andy’s ballot) might defeat, if they were to meet, hypothetically, 8-3 Southern California? I mean, if they were to play? The lesson here is that there are no air-tight defenses in anyone’s ballot (including mine) and that it’s important to remember that the AP poll has no actual effect on who meets in the BCS National Championship Game.

Actually, Jon Wilner ranking the Buckeyes (11-0) sixth should have garnered more Twitter attention.

Fresno State is 16th in the BCS Standings, but NIU is 14th. The higher-ranked non-AQ school will, unless one loses, be headed to a BCS bowl. The other one, not so much.

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Andre Williams, Boston College, has 897 yards rushing in his past three games. That’s 299 yards rushing per game. Overall this season Williams has galloped for 2,073 yards, or 188 yards per game, which is 33 yards per game better than Arizona’s Kadeem Carey. Williams, who ran for a pedestrian 584 yards last season as a junior, is having a Heisman-worthy season. If not the man to take home the bust, he should at least be seated in that row when the award is announced. If Williams keeps pace at Syracuse, it’ll be at least the best rushing season since 2007. I’ll have to go further back to see the last time someone eclipsed 188 yards per game in a season.

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New England 34, Denver 31 in overtime. So that was entertaining. Best AFC game that started out 24-0 in one team’s favor that I’ve seen since San Diego at Miami in 1982. The Chargers blew the lead in that one, but won in overtime. I can’t recall now whether or not Don Coryell took the wind.

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Howard Stern once again demonstrates why he belongs on the short list of all-time great Letterman guests (alongside Bill Murray, Martin Short and Tom Hanks).

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Enjoyed this skit on “Saturday Night Live.” This song will never die, nor should it.

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I didn’t make this up. Cannot find the video, but former firestorm epicenter Eddie Vanderdoes, a 5-star defensive tackle prospect who withdrew from Notre Dame last spring, caught a pass on 4th down in the 4th quarter that went  for 18 yards for UCLA on Saturday. Former Irish wideout Shaq Evans caught the next two passes on the TD drive that brought UCLA within 38-33, but there the scoring ended.