Starting Five

Randomly met a decent guy at the Dublin House last night who is a prop master. Told me he worked on “Almost Famous” and when I informed him what I call this site’s daily update, a huge shine came across his face. “I say that all the time,” he beamed. His first movie gig? “After Hours”, from Martin Scorcese. When I recalled the plaster-of-paris body cast, the dude, David Allen, lit up once more. It was like telling Michelangelo that you’d seen his earliest sculpture. There’s no place like New York City.

1. Upton Girl

Kate Upton makes her third Sports Illustrated cover in the past 20 months. Ruminations:

1. One of these players is out of uniform.

2. Who will be the first Detroit Tiger to tape this cover to Justin Verlander’s locker?

3. Upton is from Florida, but originally from Michigan, which explains why she is not pictured with any Rays or Tigers. Okay, I get it and it’s a clever idea… although something tells me the common surname has less to do with ancestry than slavery. But, hey, let’s not go there…

4. Since Upton first graced an SI cover in February of last year, only LeBron James (six times) has appeared on the cover as many times. Peyton Manning has two covers in that span, as does Jeremy Lin.

5. I’m anxious for the NBA Preview issue later this month that should feature Mike and Marisa Miller (or, as Twitter follower @ginjaninja78 suggests, Eric and Brooklyn Decker) while slightly disappointed that there are no famous athletes with the surname Agdal.

6. You might accuse me of exploiting females atop this site today to garner more page views, but where ever would I get that idea?

2. Heil Hitner!

San Francisco 49er safety Donte Whitner is legally changing his surnamee to “Hitner.” An aside: as a “W” myself, I thought of doing this until realizing that my last name would still be spelled exactly the same in Pig Latin (“Altersway”).

One by-product of Hitner’s decision is literally a buy-product. By NFL rules, a player who legally changes his name in season is required to purchase ALL of the remaining unsold merchandise that bears his name.

The moniker change aside, Hitner demonstrated that his comments are as blunt as his blows yesterday with a short speech that the NFL ought to adopt as its tagline:

“This is a tough game. This is a game for grown men. When we signed up for that, we all know that. If you don’t want to play football, you don’t want to be physical, you don’t want to be hit, don’t come around guys that like to hit. That’s the game of football, just do it the right way.”

 3. More Embarrassing Than a 25-0 Loss

“Odious” says Jason McIntyre of “The Big Lead” while USA Today’s Dan Wolken tweets “This is ugly.” Both tweets concerned an Ole Miss student production of “The Laramie Project”, a play based on the murder of openly gay University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard.

Of course, their tweets were not a review of the performance, but rather an opinion on what took place during it: heckling, including the use of homophobic slurs, by Ole Miss football players (and, to be fair, others) who were in the audience.

The first question you and I might ask: Why were Rebel gridders attending that play in the first place? I don’t know, but I wonder if it was mandatory for a class that some of them might be taking.

“I have been acting for seven or eight years…,” sophomore theater major Rachel Staton told The Daily Mississippian. “That was by far the worst audience I’ve ever performed in front of. It wasn’t all football players, but they seemed to be the leaders. If I can go support and respect the football team in their stadium, I feel like they should be able to support and respect me and my fellow cast members when we are doing a show.”

It’s ironic in a way,” the play’s director, Rory Ledbetter, told The DM. ” In (“The Laramie Project’) we address these topics of hate against homosexuals. What happened in the audience (Tuesday night) was the very thing we were trying to portray in the show. (The incident) suggests we have a long way to go.

“The unfortunate part of all of this is that I don’t think that the audience members that caused these problems really understood what they were doing,” he said. “Further education on all of this needs to be brought to light.”

Yup.

 From Foul Line to Feline

Tony LaRussa is a man of many cats, as this wonderful read on the former baseball manager by Wall Street Journal columnist Jason Gay attests. As Gay writes, “You can live with a cat for years, feed it, care for it, let it watch its favorite television shows, and it will still occasionally look at you like you moved into the house nine minutes ago.”

As someone typing this with three cats within 10 feet of me as I do so, I can endorse that statement. But, as LaRussa says, “Cats are so unique in the way they show affection, and because you have to work for it. Once you get it, man, they just curl up with you. But they retain their independence.”

As for Gay, who appears on “Crowd Goes Wild” but still finds a way to maintain his dignity, he is part of a diminishing breed of writer known as the sports humorist.

Growing up I feasted on the easy wit and charm of SI writers such as Roy Blount, Jr., John Underwood and the master, Dan Jenkins. Then Rick Reilly came along, and he could be hilarious back then. After that it was Steve Rushin, who is both insanely insightful and the Jason Mraz of sports writing, Franz Lidz and, when the mood struck him, Richard Hoffer.

Donald Katz, who is not a sportswriter per se, penned “The Last of the Ferret Leggers” for “Outside” long ago, which is nearly as funny as Gay’s “The Boy of Summer”, which he wrote for GQ in 2007, I believe. Or 2008.

Anyway, sports editors no longer seem to put a premium on genuinely funny sports prose. Or maybe they’re just all looking for Dane Cook when what the world needs more of is Louis C.K. Either way, Jason Gay is doing this brand of writing as well as anyone I know of these days. This is just one more example.

5. The Big 8 (because I havent’ done it yet this week)

This Saturday in ranked versus ranked,  a Bishop (Sankey) takes on a Cardinal (Stanford) while the Sun Devils meet God’s team (Notre Dame). Also, believe it or not, I am a Harris Poll voter and this Sunday will mark my first ballot of the season. Right now I’m going 1) Franco 2) Neil Patrick 3) Mel…. Anyway…

1. Alabama (4-0)

Shut down Ole Miss as if the Rebels were the federal government (I resisted urge to type “Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’s suspension is no laughing matter”). Next up: Georgia State.

2. Oregon (4-0)

I’d prefer to rank them 1-A. The Ducks lead the nation in rushing and that’s without former Duck Lache Seastrunk, who is averaging 11 yards per carry for Baylor. Next up: at Colorado.

3. Clemson (4-0)

It was an open-casket Wake Forest last Saturday, 56-7. The Tigers visit New York state, i.e. Syracuse, this weekend, for an orange crush clash. Next up: The Cuse.

4. Stanford (4-0)

The Cardinal take on U-Dub in the weekend’s most exciting matchup. Coach David Shaw, informed that he likely appears on USC’s coaching short list, quipped, “It may be a short list, but it’s one name too long.” Next up: No. 15 U-Dub.

5. Georgia (3-1)

Yes, the Dawgs have a loss, but they are the only program that has defeated two teams that were ranked in the top 10 when they met (South Carolina, LSU) and only defeat was at No. 3 Clemson by three. Next up: at Tennessee.

6. Ohio State (4-0)

Buckeyes passed Part 1 of their two-game midterm by taking down Wisconsin at the Horseshoe. Evanston will never feel like Ann Arbor or Madison, but Northwestern’s fans will be fired up this Saturday for Urban’s visit. Next up: at No. 16 Northwestern.

7. Florida State (4-0)

Seminoles hit the snooze button in Chestnut Hill last Saturday, but then went on a 35-3 run after trailing by two touchdowns. Next up: No. 25 Maryland.

8. Baylor (3-0)

Why? Yes, we could put UCLA or Oklahoma here. Or Texas A&M, whose only defeat was to Bama. But for now, the Bears lead the nation in scoring by more than 10 points over the next closest school (Oregon) and their 62-pointaverage margin of victory is more than anyone else in the FBS is even averaging scoring per game. For now, I’ll be wacko over Waco. Next up: West Virginia.

Remote Patrol

NLDS: Los Angeles Dodgers at Atlanta Braves, Game 1

TBS 8:37 p.m.

All any of us outside Fulton County or the 285 Loop yearn to see if Yasiel Puig it a towering blast and admire it, followed by the Braves’ taking umbrage. Kate Upton jumps into the fray, jerseys are torn, and c-c-c-c-c-c-catfight.