Starting Five

Cookoutateria double today, so this will be concise (“THANK GOD, Dubs!”)

1. O Captain, My Captain

Derek Jeter, “The Captain”, is given the coup de grace to a forgettable and disjointed 2013 season. Officially, the Yankee shortstop made his first appearance on July 11, 2013 after battling back from last October’s broken ankle. Fittingly, No. 2 batted second and even more fittingly hit a dribbler down the 3rd-base line that went for a hit. I believe it was Stephen Douglas over at The Big Lead who sarcastically tweeted, “Clutch-esque.”

Of course, DJ soon went back on the DL. Let’s look at the timeline, shall we?

July 12: Yankees announce they’re shutting DJ down ’til after All-Star break. Later, retroactively put on DL.

July 28: DJ returns FROM the DL. (Swings at the first pitch, hits an opposite field run, cuz he’s THE CAPTAIN, damnit!)

August 5: DJ returns TO the DL.

August 26: DJ returns FROM the DL.

September 7: DJ plays his final game of the season, a loss –the Yanks’ third straight– to the Sawx.

DJ’s 2013 season: 17 games, 12 hits, a .190 batting average, and one home run. Although he did pass Eddie Collins to move into 10th place on the all-time hits list (3,316). You’re next, Paul Molitor (3,319).

May I remind you that it was only a year ago that Jeter, 39, led the American League in hits with 216. Does anyone really believe that Jeter will NOT return next season with a renewed desire to show the world that he’s not finished? And does anyone really believe that Jeter’s and Rivera’s last moment together on a baseball diamond –absent Old-Timer’s Day — was last Thursday, when Mo blew a two-outs, nobody on in the 9th save chance against the loathed Red Sox? Do you?

2. Doug and Carl

I’d like to point out two iconoclasts (one, you might say, is an Icahn-oclast) in this spot. The first is AP poll voter Doug Lesmerises, a writer for the Cleveland Plain Dealer whose AP ballot looks like this. If you didn’t hit the link, here are Doug’s top eight schools, in order:

1. Clemson 2. LSU 3. Alabama 4. Louisville 5. Oregon 6. Florida State 7. South Carolina 8. Washington

Doug’s ballot is definitely contrarian –three of those eight teams received their highest votes from him, while one of them, Bama, received its lowest vote. I applaud the original thinking, for the most part. Doug appears to be rewarding Clemson, LSU and Washington for having the highest quality wins (over preseason No. 5 Georgia,  No. 20 TCU, and No. 19 Boise State, espectively).

He appears to be rewarding Louisville and Oregon for having a pair of the most emphatic wins (so why is Wisconsin at No. 23?) and Florida State for looking so dominant at Pitt. And he is rewarding Alabama because, let’s face it, most of us believe that the Tide are the team to beat.

The vote I don’t understand? South Carolina at No. 7. Didn’t the Gamecocks just lost at Georgia last Saturday? And so why would Lesmerises put the Dawgs at No. 14, since they beat his No. 7 and only lost by three on the road to his No. 1 team? That one is indefensible.

Then again, our old friend Scott Wolf doesn’t even rank Wisconsin which, while patting around a pair of FCS bunnies in Madison for two weeks, has won by a combined score of 93-0.

You could argue that, if preseason polls are meaningless (as I do), then why reward teams for beating highly ranked preseason squads? Okay, good point. But that’s a bit of a Catch-22 (in related news, I’ve just dropped that book in the rankings down to Catch-24).

And then there’s billionaire investor Carl Icahn, whose cheerleading for Apple makes you wonder if his surname should be spelled i-C-a-h-n? Last month Icahn tweeted that he had a huge position in Apple stock after conversing with CEO Tim Cook, and the price fireworked up from $465 to $500 in about two days. After Apple’s disappointing unveiling of its new Bling-Bling Colors iPhone on Tuesday, the price plummeted back to about $465. So what does Carl do? He tells everyone tha he cannot wait to buy more.

Apple, by the way, has become the Nicholas Cage of stocks. Where once it could do no wrong (“Raising Arizona”, “Moonstruck”, “Leaving Las Vegas”), now it has become a caricature of itself.

Of course, the question you should be asking yourself is: Who does Carl Icahn have in his top five? Icahn, by the way, attended Princeton and then dropped out of NYU medical school after two years (“There’s hope for you yet, Russell”)

3. A’s(s) Kicking

The Oakland A’s posted a “0” in the top of the fourth inning last night in Minnesota. The only problem for the Twins is that the A’s posted a “1” in front of that “0”. Oakland scored 10 runs in the fourth as they walloped the Twins at Target Field, 18-3. Every A’s starter had at least one hit, one run and one RBI.

The funny part is that a line drive off the bat of Jed Lowrie during the fourth inning was initially ruled foul as umpire Bill Miller (who’s come a long way of his profile of Stillwater in Rolling Stone [“It’s a think piece”]…although Stillwater is a lovely riverside town not too far from the Twin Cities… but I digress) danced out of the way of it. That call was overturned, Lowrie was awarded a two-run double, and the monster frame was extended.

The following A’s batter, Brandon Moss, hit a foul ball also in Miller’s direction. When Miller signaled foul, the Twin fans gave a sarcastic cheer. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again here: Minnesotans are the best (“The BEST, Jerry!”)

4. Fast For His, Or Anyone’s, Age

This past weekend Martin Rees, 60, a retired steelworker from Port Talbot, Wales, completed the Cardiff 10K in 32:48. That’s a world record for the 60-plu crowd. When you consider that Rees ran 5:16 miles to achieve the feat, he’s that rare harrier who can run his age (only a handful of 40 year-olds, for example, have ever run a four-minute mile).

Rees now holds 37 world records in age-group categories ranging from the age of 45 and up at various distances. That number suits him, since Rees only began running at the age of 37.

I’d always thought that Gareth Bale or Reg Mellor was the most impressive Welsh athlete of all time. Rees gives both a run for their money. And you don’t want to run against Rees, now do you?

(The Mellor link is WELL worth it; if I ever teach a journalism class, that’s the first story we read).

5. “Faces”

My quasi-adopted son, A.J. (I showed you a painting of his a week or two ago) also dabbles in film production. Boiling Point Films, check it out. Anyway, he and a couple of friends recently decided to spend a day in a basement with a super expensive camera and a talented young director, Austin Kearns, who wrote and directed what you are about to see.(Great tune. Very Liverpool-ish, reminiscent of The La’s ).

No one contracted them to do this, no one paid them.

The video is for the song “Faces” by Foxygen, and they did the entire thing at their own expense. There’s a lot of talent –and ambition –going on here. And even the folks at Pitchfork.com noticed. (p.s. the referee is a former cookoutateria employee while the Asian man is a current one).

Reserves

Back in the WNBA, Elena Delle Donne takes her defender off the dribble in the final seconds to crush the game-winner. When has Chicago ever had a basketball player who could do that? It’s official: Delle Donne, who is 3rd in the WNBA in scoring, was the smart choice to be the top overall pick in last spring’s WNBA draft.

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Remote Patrol

New York Jets at New England Patriots

NFL Network 8 p.m.

It’s like this: If rookie quarterback Geno Smith leads the Jest to a win in his first visit to Foxboro, Adam Schefter’s head will explode, leaving filaments of thick black hair strewn across Interstate 84 and pieces of brain matter will be found as far away as Stars Hollow. He won’t –will he –but this is how legends are born. So tune in.