Starting Five

Written entirely, as always, without a shark cage, but we don’t go around puffing out our chests about it.

1. Debutiful!

Yesterday we mentioned Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, asking the rhetorical question, When has a dual-threat red-shirt freshman quarterback ever, I mean EVER, captured the country’s imagination? Last night the Seminole QB went full-blown Manziel, completing 25 of 27 passes (arguably 26) which, when you factor I that Winston was probably giving 110%, means that he completed more than 100% of his passes.

Anyway, the Noles pummeled Pitt (feel free to used “drubbed”), 41-13 as Winston threw for 356 yards and four touchdowns and looked just so smooooooove doing so. Could he be this decade’s FSU QB with a W-surname to win the Heisman Trophy (Charlie Ward, Chris Weinke). What might have been, Peter Tom Willis (QB for Wide Right I).

I do like that Winston told Sam-No-Longer-Steele afterward that “this was just easy money to me.” I hope Johnny Reb heard that one live. Also, gotta love that during the game it was revealed that the one school Winston wanted to garner an offer from, but never did, was Texas: “If I’d gotten offered, I’d be going to Texas right now.”

So, if you’re scoring at home, Mack Brown wanted Johnny Manziel to play DB and had no interest in Winston, while he did offer Connor Brewer (who played at the same Arizona high school as Taylor Lewan and Davonte Neal), who has already left the program and enrolled at Arizona (Neal will also play in Tucson next season).

For the sake of “embrace debate”:

Johnny Manziel’s debut: 23-30, 178 yards, 0 TDs, 60 yards rushing, in a loss to No. 24 Florida

Jameis Winston’s debut: 25-27, 356 yards, 4 TDs, 25 yards rushing in a win against unranked Pitt.

Obviously, Manziel faced much stiffer competition.

2. The Old Woman and The Sea

“She always thought of the sea as ‘la mar’ which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her. Sometimes those who love her say bad things of her but they are always said as though she were a woman. Some of the younger fishermen, those who used buoys as floats for their lines and had motorboats, bought when the shark livers had brought much money, spoke of her as ‘el mar’ which is masculine.They spoke of her as a contestant or a place or even an enemy. But the old woman always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favours, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them. The moon affects her as it does a woman, he thought.”  

Note: Ernest Hemingway wrote all of his stories without the use of spell-check or a shark cage.

My favorite Nyad nugget: She was expelled from Emory University after leaping from a fourth-floor dorm window with a parachute. I’m not sure I believe that one, Wikipedia.

3. The James Gang

Let’s not tarry. Jonah Hill, Andy Samberg and Bill Hader, as an old Jew in a red track suit representing “Hollywood”, killed. Best lines from last night’s Comedy Central Roast of James Franco:

Nick Kroll: “A lot of people don’t know that Seth Rogen has a writing partner, Evan Goldberg. My question to you, Seth, is, What must HE look like if you’re the face of his operation?”

Jonah Hill: “Bill Hader was brilliant on SNL and when he left the show every single person was like, What are you doing? You’re never ever going to work again. And what does my man Bill do? Boom, he books a T-Mobile commercial. Who’s laughing now, Lorne Michaels? My man Bill is. If that thing goes national, we could be talking like 10, 15 grand. This guy’s cashing checks from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation. I respect Bill because Sprint was coming after him hard, but he held out for that F-you T Mobile money.”

Jeffery Ross: “When Jonah’s agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, ‘You had me at spaghetti.'”

Hader, as “Hollywood”, to Ross: “I’m like Enterprise rental car on Christmas, which is to say I don’t have a vehicle for you.”

Ross, on Franco hosting the Oscars: “You were a worse host than the AIDS monkey.”

Hill, on Sarah Silverman: “She’s fulfilled every little girl’s dream of growing up to become a 58 year-old stand-up comic with no romantic prospects. I salute you, Sarah. People say Sarah is hot for a comic. I disagree. I think she’s hot for someone her age. People say she can’t become a movie star at her age, but I disagree. It’s not impossible. It’s not like someone is asking her to give birth.”

Ross, on Franco’s 91 year-old grandmother: “127 Hours is the amount of time she has left.”

Silverman, on Aziz Ansari: “I’ve been a huge supporter of Aziz’s for years now, and for only the price of a cup of coffee.”

Samberg: “James Franco, you’re so handsome. You remind me of the man who broke up my parents’ marriage.”

“Hollywood”, on Samberg’s new cop show, Brooklyn 9-9: “If I wanted to watch two Jews drive around and try to be funny, I’d watch Seinfeld’s webcast series.”

Natasha Leggero, to Samberg: “I’m looking forward to the sad, acoustic version of ‘Dick in a Box’, which will be played at Lorne Michaels’ open-casket funeral.” (Wow, that is cold).

Some others that did not make it to my keyboard.

4. Blonde Melon(s)

 

The periodical Vanity Fair, which is the only magazine on your newsstand named in honor of a 19th century British novel by William Makepeace Thackeray that even your high school English teacher did not require you to read unless you wanted to do so for extra credit, turns 100. And to celebrate it has glammed up another magazine’s cover girl to look like another era’s pin-up girl. Who’s going to be the first Detroit Tiger to place one of these in Justin Verlander’s locker?

5. Roger, Over and Out

Roger Federer, of whom for years there was no one bederer, falls in the Round of 16 at the U.S. Open. The Swiss master fails to make a Grand Slam final in 2013, the first time that has happened since 2002. Federer, owner of 17 Grand Slam titles, made 43 unforced errors in a straight set loss and there is talk that, at age 32, time has passed him by. On the other hand, he’s half the age of Diana Nyad.

Reserves

The OTHER Bridge Spanning San Francisco Bay

If you’ve never been to America’s most beautiful city, San Francisco, here’s the lowdown (and what is WRONG with you, by the way? Get there!). The Golden Gate Bridge connects the city to Marin County, the nation’s most prosperous county. The other bridge that never made the post cards likely receives more traffic, as it spans the bay between San Francisco and Oakland (there are other bridges farther south in the bay, but no one cares about them), is the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge (couldn’t they just have named it after a dead president or military hero?), which connects the two cities as well as a sparsely inhabited spit of land known as Treasure Island.

Anyway, yesterday the gleaming new $6.4 billion eastern span of the bridge opened to traffic, after a decade of construction delays. It’s still the second-prettiest bridge spanning San Francisco Bay, but it’s an improvement.

Remote Patrol

The Daily Show

Comedy Central 11 p.m.

After a three-month hiatus, Derek Jeter returns for the Yankees. Wait a minute, that’s the wrong press release. Yes, here it is. After a three-month hiatus, Jon Stewart returns to the anchor desk at The Daily Show. Stewart’s biggest problem is that John Oliver was a far superior substitute than Eduardo Nunez. Simply for the curiosity factor as to how Stewart pays homage to Oliver, it’s worth tuning in.