Starting Five

1. Harvey. Danger.

He’s not sick, but he’s not well. New York Mess ace Matt Harvey, 24, who has only been in The Show for 13 months but has already started an All-Star Game, was diagnosed with a partial tear in his ulnar collateral ligament (Rex Ryan is not to blame; nor is Howard Jones, though that reference is a little bit more obscure). Harvey may need Tommy John surgery, which is not to be confused with Tommy Tune surgery (removal of one of your two left feet) or Tommy Rees surgery (implant of a 5-star quarterback, except that the implant fails to take and you are condemned to revert to the mean).

The recovery time on Tommy John surgery is approximately 12 months. Maybe someone needs to develop a procedure in which the rehab time is cut in half. Call it Adrian Peterson surgery.

Let’s point out that Harvey’s predecessor as Mess’ staff ace, R.A. Dickey, was born WITHOUT an ulnar collateral ligament. And he won the Cy Young Award last season.

2. Winner by KO

Keith Theodore Olbermann returned to ESPN television after a 16-year absence last night and began with, “As I was saying…” The 54 year-old anchor never mentioned Tim Tebow, LeBron James or Johnny Manziel, but he did mention his grade-school teacher who recently passed. He did not retract the Genoa story, either.

Let posterity note that the first guest was Jason Whitlock and that he stated, “That’s why I like, I hate to say it, Deadspin. We need someone to watch the watchers.” Sure, but who will watch the watchers’ watchers?

3. Darwin Man Becomes Darwin Award Candidate

A long time ago I visited the remote northern Australian outpost of Darwin, which is located on the Indian Ocean. On the ride from the airport to our hotel I asked the cabbie if I should be afraid of Great White sharks in the waters off the coast. “Nay, there aren’t any Great Whites in the waters here, mate,” he answered. “The saltwater crocs would eat them.”

Suffice it to say that I learned to develop a healthy fear of saltwater crocs and that I, like most Aussies, would never venture into a Northern Territory tributary for a swim (Linda Kozlowski was lucky to escape, and she was just squatting near the shore in Crocodile Dundee). Particularly not anywhere near Darwin, which has the world’s highest density of said prehistoric reptiles. Alas, a local Darwin man, Sean Cole, did just that at a 30th birthday party recently and was snatched by a 16-foot long croc. As my old friend James Parziale used to say, “He gone.”

4. Six Hours? Really?

According to Travis Haney of ESPN, the NCAA spent six hours with Johnny Manziel in College Station on Sunday, which can only mean one thing: he was smoking a brisket. You’ve really got to slow-cook to maximize flavor, after all. I’ve already mentioned two of Texas’ most sacred cows in this item, by the way.

NCAA: “Johnny, did you take money to sign autographs?”
JM: “No.”
NCAA: “But did you accept cash?”
JM: “No.”

NCAA: “If you did get paid, don’t say anythinnnnnng– NOW!”
JM: “I’m talking. See, I’m talking.”

NCAA: “Who is Keyser Soze?
JM: “Guys, can I go back to playing Madden?

ESPN has already purchased the rights to further Manziel inquisitions and will launch the Johnny Football Network in spring of 2014.

5. Flori-Duh!

Welcome back, friend. It has been too long. We have two for you…

The first, thanks to Deadspin, involves a wing-eating contest, a pantsing, and a punch to the face, all of which appears to have taken place in Jacksonville.

Meanwhile in Fort Walton Beach, a 37 year-old man was arrested for exposing himself and masturbating while rotating 36 degrees (oops, we meant 360; thanks, G.A.) outside of a convenience circles. In gay circles, we believe, this maneuver is known as an “Anderson Cooper 360.”

Reserves

Syria, Not Genoa

Aaron Sorkin creates a season-long story line on The Newsroom about the possibility that the U.S. dropped Sarin gas during a POW extraction in Afghanistan, and it’s compelling stuff. During the week when the plot comes to a head, reports out of Damascus appear to indicate that the government of Syria staged a chemical attack on its own citizens that may have left 1,300 dead.

Ebony and Ivory…Suits

For the record, Robin Thicke sang “Blurred Lines” at the VMAs while wearing a suit whose horizontal lines of black and white were clearly delineated. Our friend Jones (that’s three this week!) notes that The Hamburglar may be missing a suit from his wardrobe. Me, I’m going with Beetlejuice.