Starting Five

1. Welcome to Weinerville

 

Erstwhile U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner, a.k.a. “Carlos Danger” (apparently, unlike Austin Powers, “Danger” is his last name), is once again in hot water –as wieners often find themselves before being put between a bun. See, Weiner has decided that he has paid for his sexual misadventures enough and wants to resume a career in public service (also known as “Spitzering“). In fact, he wants to become the mayor of the greatest city in the world.

And then earlier this week the gossip site The Dirty (“Scottsdale! Representin’!”) posted details of on-line correspondence between Weiner and other females that occurred after his inglorious exodus from politics. So, there’s that. Weiner is defiantly forging ahead because, let’s face it, Michael Bloomberg cannot live forever –although he certainly could afford to– and David Wright does not want the job.

Speaking of Weiners/wieners, remember a month or so ago when we reported that a Brooklyn saloon, the Kings County Bar, was going to stage a contest to find Brooklyn’s smallest wiener. Well, that happened and Nick Gilronan, 27, who happens to work at a UPS store –yes, he handles small packages for a living — won.

And Gilronan has our vote for mayor. He’s already won one more election than Anthony Weiner will in the next year.

2. Sharknado-esque

If you’re thinking, There just have not been enough brutal videos of human carnage emanating from Brazil this summer, well, we have just the item for you. In what sounds like the cruelest “Baywatch” plot twist of all time, an 18 year-old female swimmer was fatally attacked by a bull shark as lifeguards were rescuing her from drowning. The woman, Bruna Gobbi, was struggling in rough waves on the beach in Recife when lifeguards, one riding a waverunner, came to her rescue. Just at that moment the shark took a bite out of one of her lower legs and the surrounding water turned red.

That’s the difference between bull sharks and humpbacked whales. The former don’t miss. And if you don’t think bull sharks mean business, watch this video.

3. Gainesville D.A. Pooch Punts Antonio Morrison Case

Florida linebacker Antonio Morrison will not be serving any time in the kennel following his arrest for barking at a police dog. State attorney Bill Cervone told the Associated Press that the “dismissal is based on the lack of evidence to warrant much less legally sustain those charges, and the complete inappropriateness of pursing court action against Morrison, or anyone else, under the circumstances involved.”

It’s only July and the Gators already have a leg up on the Dawgs.

To Morrison’s credit, he never appears violent or belligerent in the music video. At worst he seems bemused and surprised. Kind of like when my manager at the steakateria told me he was firing me for forgetting to wipe the steam arm of the cappuccino machine. Really?! Really!?! Really?

Things could have gone much worse for Morrison. After all, he could have come across a neighborhood watchman as opposed to Gainesville’s Finest. Or the RIPD. Either way, let’s take a moment to appreciate Morrison’s sartorial statement. He is wearing a T-shirt that reads “Hustle Trees”, which is slang for “sell marijuana.” I’m sure not a single NFL GM will take note of that (they will all take note of that).

4. “I Want To Break Free”

The chameleon-like Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G., Borat, The Dictator) has dropped out of portraying late Queen front man Freddie Mercury for an eponymous biopic due to creative differences with the band’s surviving members. That is SUCH a diva rock-star move.

SBC had actually enlisted writer Peter Morgan to work on the script and make it, in his opinion, less PG in terms of Mercury’s flamboyantly gay lifestyle. Morgan won an Oscar for his script for The Queen.

5. Lightning A-Rod

Two of the Big Apple’s more respected and veteran baseball writers took opposite stances on A-Rod in the past few days. It’s rare to see writers who have known each other, what, a quarter-century, do this. Joel Sherman penned a column for Sunday’s New York Post in which he visited the Yankee third baseman in the wilds of Triple A ball and came away with an “exclusive interview” about how Rodriguez continues to toil for the same reason Kevin Costner did, even though Kelly Preston had left him for John Travolta (wait, what?).

Maybe that’s why Sherman got the exclusive. Suuuuh-mooch!

Sherman’s column inspired Bob Klapisch of the Bergen Record, who has only been covering the MLB in NYC since Fernando Valenzuela’s rookie year, to not-in-so-many-words call, “Bullshit.” Klapisch was respectful to his peer, but he asked the question, “How does A-Rod’s passion (for playing baseball) square with using steroids?”

And does A-Rod love baseball enough to come clean about his steroid use?
Klapisch reminds us of another former Yankee slugger/former MVP/steroid cheat, Jason Giambi who, like A-Rod, once tendered an eight-figure deal from the Yankees. Giambi is now earning $750,000 as a 42 year-old benchwarmer for the Cleveland Indians. Would A-Rod ever go that far to prove his love for baseball, Klapisch wonders?

Reserves

“After a Thoreau Search Near Walden Pond…”

One of our favorite, and most reliable, news sources, The Onion, with breaking news on the Whitey Bulger trial in Boston.

Yet Another Gem From John Oliver

This first aired a week ago but it’s worth it. John Oliver, who has been a rock star as Jon Stewart’s summer replacement at The Daily Show, on both the George Zimmerman verdict and the state of Florida (“Just because you’re shaped like a combination of a gun and a #$%* doesn’t mean you have to act like one…”). Our favorite moment, and this is why shows such as The Daily Show –and certain snarky blogs –exist, is to point out ironies that our more respected news media should have noticed the first time, is when George Zimmerman’s brother expresses fear (start at 3:26) that his exonerated sibling may now be a target (“There are people who would want to take the law into their own hands as they perceive it or, you know, be vigilantes in some sense…”) to Piers Morgan.

 

Also worth noting: Later during that same telecast, Oliver interviews Aaron Sorkin, creator of “The Newsroom”. The show loses power just before the interview is to commence, so they must do the interview with handhelds. Yes, it’s a scene like something you’d see from Will MacAvoy and McKenzie McHale.

It gets better.

The two men are seated in director’s chairs and at one point Oliver drops his cheat sheet with questions and facts about Sorkin. But both men pretend not to notice. Then, later in the interview, just as Sorkin is make a point about how he did NOT create his series “to show the professionals like you how it’s done” (1:45), someone off-camera hands the slip of paper back to Oliver. Both men laugh at the irony while never directly mentioning it. For a seasoned screenwriter such as Sorkin, it must be humbling to be reminded that reality is always incredible than fiction.

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“Wikipedia is quite useful…”

The lovely and luminous Cate Blanchett, who apparently knocks it out of the park in Woody Allen’s new film, Blue Jasmine (Corbellini, get on it!), stopped by Late Show with David Letterman on Monday night. And I don’t know if you want to blame it on aging, or being flustered by Blanchett’s beauty and wit, but Dave seemed a little dense. After his fourth or fifth boiler-plate question about Australia, her home land, and that region of the planet (Former Penal colony? Tasmania? New Zealand? Marsupials?), a pleasantly frustrated Blanchett finally rebuked him (7:50 mark) with the above quote. That seemed to wake him up some.

 

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This video may be proof that we actually did not “hunt the dodo into extinction.” Stay classy, CNN. That’s CNN International anchor Jonathan Mann, who is now the best friend of every staffer at KTVU.