Starting Five
1. Beat The Clock
Memories — and legends — are created and/or burnished in the final moments. Magic Johnson’s game-winning baby sky hook in Game 4 of the 1987 NBA Finals at the Boston Garden (or Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s game-winning sky hook in double overtime of Game 6 of the 1974 NBA Finals, again at Boston Garden). Michael Jordan, Game 6, 1998 NBA Finals. And now, Tony Parker’s 24-second-shot-clock-whisking 16-foot jumper (did he call “bank?”) that evoked both Curly Neal and Kobe Bryant. And though it was not a game-winning shot that the Spurs guard buried with 5.2 seconds remaining, while being guarded by a man who is both six inches taller and has won four of the last five Most Valuable Player awards, it was the coup de grace on the most entertaining and memorable NBA Finals games in years.
Coup de grace? “Morticia, you spoke French!”
Well, of course I did, Gomez. After all, it was a Frenchman whose shot was the nail in the coffin on the 69th anniversary of D-Day.
Fanboys will remind us that 1) LeBron James did have a triple-double (18-10-10) and 2) that Michael Jordan occasionally lost, too (although his Bulls were 5-1 in Game 1’s and they never, in six visits to the Finals, once needed a Game 7), but when winning time came last night, it was Parker, Tim Duncan and the Spurs who stepped up.
The Heat committed four turnovers in the fourth quarter, whereas San Antonio committed four all game.
The Heat scored 16 points in the fourth quarter, their lowest output since the second quarter of Game 1 (15 points) versus the Indiana Pacers.
Chris Anderson (“Birdman! Birdman!”) made as many field goals (2) in the fourth quarter as James, whose first bucket of the period did not come until 3:10 remained.
Not a good week to be named Bosh — or Bosch — in South Florida
Afterward, ABC analyst Magic Johnson –yes, the same dude I referred to atop this item–, the Unfrozen Caveman Analyst of the NBA, said, “Look, LeBron played a great game–” at which point Bill Simmons, who is graying at a Waltersian rate, interrupted the erstwhile NBA Finals MVP and said, “He played a good game, not a great game.” Amen to Simmons, both for having the temerity to challenge an NBA legend on that assessment and to refute the narrative. A triple-double is a nice and manufactured benchmark –created by the Lakers’ P.R. guy back in the Magic era, by the way– but a “great game” does not require us to peruse the stat sheet.
Tony Parker made two amazing buckets in the fourth quarter and NEVER committed a turnover the entire contest. I don’t know how many points he scored (a game-high 21, you say?) but it was he who had the great game. And the legendary one.
P.S. The Spurs’ and Heat’s respective last men on the bench are Tracy McGrady and Rashard Lewis. Both men were All-Stars with the Orlando Magic and combined, these two men who may not see a minute of action this series have earned just over $300 million in their careers. Take that, Gloria Mackenzie.
2. Four Career Games, Three Curtain Calls
Only a matter of time before Dodger Stadium’s outfield bleachers become known as the “Bay of Puig’s.”
Fernandomania swept Chavez Ravine in 1981, when the Dodgers rookie pitcher won both the N.L. Rookie of the Year AND Cy Young awards. And, no, ABBA did not write a song in tribute to him. That came first.
Now we have, what? Puig Passion? Cuban defector Yasiel Puig made his Dodger debut on Monday night, but he has already hit three home runs that incited as many curtain calls. Last night Puig, who is 22 and has already signed a seven-year, $42 million contract with the Dodgers, hit a grand slam in his 16th Major League at-bat. Puig is batting .438 with three home runs and nine RBI –since Monday.
Vin Scully, 85, has only been calling Dodger games since Harry S. Truman was president.
Who is Yasiel Puig? If you ask me, he’s the baseball gods’ gift to Dodger announcer Vin Scully as he nears the end of arguably the most esteemed broadcasting career in baseball history.
3. The Good Old Days
I’m a simple man. I don’t ask for much. I just want to live in a world where I can buy Ring Dings, where the government does not tap my phones, and where my Miss World contestants compete in bikinis. Is that too much to ask? Lord, do I miss 2012.
Miss World pageant, Indonesia, this September. In case you ever wondered what a Super Bowl played without shoulder pads and helmets would be like.
By the way, the term “Patriot Act” is as tragicomically ironic as George Orwell’s “Ministry of Truth.” How long until “1984” moves from “Fiction” to “True Crime”, or have we already crossed that bridge? You may argue that the government has the right to abuse our rights in the name of protection; I’m going to side with a dude who’s been dead for nearly 200 years. Just a few of the things he said:
“The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground.”
“I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.”
“The two enemies of the people are criminals and government, so let us tie the second down with the chains of the Constitution so the second will not become the legalized version of the first.”
T.J. Max! The wisest American who ever lived?
The dude? Thomas Jefferson. Day-um, he was prophetic. And, if you were to ask him, probably not in favor of burkha-clad Miss World competitions.
4. Troll Ide
Granted, it appears on a Notre Dame fan site (“Her Loyal Sons” comes directly from the lyrics of the school’s world-renowned “Victory March”), but in this piece author NDTex eviscerates, on a line-by-line basis, CBSSports.com’s Gregg Doyel’s column from earlier this week on Brian Kelly and Eddie Vanderdoes. And, I’m willing to bet that he put more time, energy and thought into penning it.
5. “Life Coaches Commit Suicide.”
I love this! And I won’t even begin to apologize for it. Back when I was younger, they had another name for “life coaches.” We called them “parents.”
Oh, and the pair authored a book titled “The Pursuit of Happiness.” Which, I bet, did not involve placing a plastic bag over your head and filling the space with helium. (Granted, this may be the most “Get Off My Lawn” item I’ve ever posted, but I don’t care.)
Reserves
You May Want to Postpone that European Vacation
Word of advice: Don’t play ‘Marco Polo’ in an Italian-language country.
Germany, Austria, Hungary and northern Italy –and probably Montenegro, but I haven’t checked– are enduring perhaps the worst flooding in the continent’s history. If you’re headed to central Europe this week, bring floaties.
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“It’s Not About the Nail!”
Damnit, honey, why are you always trying to fix things? Why can’t you just listen?
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Heat Boobs. Kudos to The Big Lead for having this post up less than 10 minutes after these mammary glands made their network television debut. You are doing the Lord’s work, Stephen Douglas.
My first thought: Why can’t Brent Musburger call the NBA Finals (anymore; he used to, after all)?
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Do you want to watch a comedian bomb? I mean, really bomb? Here’s Andy Kindler on Letterman last night. (“I think we can all tell by now that I have not found a way to connect my material thematically.”) Kenny Bania weeps for you, Andy.
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GET OUT AND PLAY!
This weekend…
Sunday
Muir Woods (just north of San Francisco)
You start by climbing these steps. Have fun with that.
One of the coolest, oldest and most idiosyncratic foot races in the world. So iconic that Bruce Dern (the bad guy in the 1970s Gatsby film) starred in a movie centered around this race. Not very good as a spectator event, but the 7.4-mile course from Mill Valley to Stinson Beach should be traversed, even if you do it on foot at another time, at some point in your life.
MediumHappy.com tip jar is always open, accepting information and doughnations. PayPal at sameriver@hotmail.com (Or, you can email us there to let us know how much you loathe the site).
Did you see the reason why Paris Jackson alledgedly attempted suicide? She wasn’t going to be allowed to attend a Marilyn Manson concert… Oddly, I would have done the same if MADE to attend. (I was, er, ‘dying’ to write this yesterday but thought maybe too snarky. But your mention of the life coaches (unseemly?) demise set me free).
As for The Game – what happened?! I wasn’t able to watch the 1st 9 minutes of the 4th quarter (long story) but when I came back it was like the HEAT team had been replaced by slower-moving replicants! I’ll have to watch the full repeat on the NBAchannel tonight, but damn. I thought the Heat were definitely outplaying the Spurs (not trouncing but outplaying) thru 3 quarters. I even let myself breathe a little. Big mistake I guess. Well, one of the things I’ve noticed the past 2 years of my Heat-playoff viewing is that this team seems to NEED to have their backs against the wall to excel. For all the media to be shoveling the dirt over (their casket) & pontificating on how the Big 3 would be split up. (Last year – against Pacers, yep, against Celtics, yep & this year against the Pacers, yep again. Sooo, I’m telling myself this is a GOOD thing. A GREAT thing. (You are correct about Lebron’s play. However, for any OTHER player, that would have been GREAT play. For LBJ, it was just ‘good’.)
And I like Simmons on that show. He’s improved SO much since the beginning of the season & really contributes. Just wish he could still get a little more of his humour into the broadcast.
One more thing – if not for John freakin Paxson, MJ & the Bulls WOULD have gone to a Game 7 in 93. AND they would have lost. To my all-time-fave NBA player, Sir Charles. Oh & the rest of the Suns.
as unofficial fact-checker, “Happiness” is a radio show, and I know it only because I somehow thought they had penned the book from the Will Smith movie, which was “Happyness,” spelled incorrectly on purpose. (Which I despize).
Puig is outstanding. It’d be so much more fun if he came out of nowhere, instead of already being armed with a $43 million contract.
18-18-10