Starting Five
1. Half-Beatlemania!
“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you.”
The Pacers’ Paul George (who is not to be confused with teammate George Hill…who is not to be confused with Hill Street Blues, who is not to be confused with Blues Traveler…) is the breakout star of the conference finals. George was money in Game 1 not once but twice, hitting a reedonk three-pointer and then converting all three of three free throws when he absolutely had to do so. Okay, so yeah, there was the matador defense on LBJ (let’s stop crucifying Frank Vogel for the fact that George ignored the first rule of defense your dad teaches you in third grade, “Stay between your man and the basket”), but the Fresno State product elevated his stature when he elevated over Chris Andersen (“Birdman Birdman!”) last night. I don’t know who won and I don’t really care, but this was awesome. Somewhere there’s a GIF of it and somewhere else nerds are bickering over the proper pronunciation of GIF.
George’s dunk put Indiana up73-71 with 5.1 seconds remaining in the third quarter. And, yes, LeBron James answered with a 35-foot three pointer to close the quarter to put the Heat up by one. And the two men quickly slapped hands in a display of mutual respect, which was cool. Although I cannot imagine MJ ever doing that with Reggie Miller “back in the day”, but so what?
2. Germans Invade London…Again…
The UEFA Champions League Final between upstart B0russia Dortmund and the Yankees of Germany, Bayern Munich, kicks off from Wembley Stadium in a few hours. Neutral Germans will side with the former, says Philip Olterman in The Guardian. The Huffington Post provides this preview while I remind you that one side’s top player has an all-timer of a super-villain name, “Bastian Schweinsteiger!”
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3. “Game of Desks”
Rockefell…Westercoast…The Late Night’s Watch…House Falgarian and House Firecrotch. Damn fine parody by Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff, and a special salute to how deep Fallon plumbs his thespian talents. Is this the same dude who used to break character and giggle in the midst of most of his SNL skits?
4. Umair Haque
He doesn’t look all that fierce, but the London-based economist and Harvard Business Review contributor is as fierce as anyone on Twitter (@umairh). He is as angry –angrier, perhaps– at the steady dissolution of both our economy and justice itself as either Matt Taibbi or myself (and I only put myself in their class in terms of passion on the topic; they’re both far more educated and insightful on this than I am; I’m just the Irish dude in William Wallace’s band of crusaders who’s willing to do anything for him). Anyway, I recommend you follow his tweets from the past 48 hours and then recommend more vehemently that you read this article that Haque posted on his feed. In short, if you think it’s prudent to be able to buy a $500,000 home with less than $15,000 down, then you understand what big banks — at levels of tens of billions of dollars as opposed to half a million — have been getting away with. And when it all turns to chaos, guess who has to step in and save them?
5. (Tiny) Members Only
If you thought Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest was the only wiener show in Brooklyn this July, you’re wrong. The Kings County Bar in Brooklyn is staging a “Smallest Penis” contest on July 20. The Wet Tighty Whiteys” portion of the show should provide judges and audience members (insert Beavis and Butthead giggle and “Heh heh, you said, ‘Members'”) the best chance to evaluate talent in lieu of the fact that most New Yorkers don’t drive cars (think about it for a moment). Here’s hoping they invite Jason Whitlock to be a celebrity judge.